For Sale Free to good any home...




2 toddlers all accessories & diva necessities included. If you live out of state I'll throw in their father & 3 cats as extra incentive.



I didn't do any yoga yet today. I didn't go for a run early this morning. Yet I somehow managed to pull an ASS muscle. Shut up, it's not that funny.



Moments that have made me quite literally think, "What the fcuk?!" today...



Catching Bridget on all 4's, face down drinking from the cats water dish.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emmy hitting on not one but TWO guys in their early twenties. "Hi, I'm Em-A-Wee what's your name??"

Dude 1:"Hi Emily, I'm Brandon & this is Matt!"



Em:"Nice to meet ya is that your car?"



Dude 2: "Yep(laughing) it is Emily."



Em: "Ohhhhh, COOL! I like shinies!"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some bald, hot although short 25 year oldish guy that tried to pick me up...as I juggled all 3 kids this morning. "Hi, wow are your hands full! You don't look like you've had any kids at all you're so tiny...blah blah blah..."



As Em melted down over the M&M's I refused to buy 5 minutes earlier. I looked at this dude who was a good decade younger than me in complete disbelief. Like as if I woke from a deep sleep & found him snorting a line of coke off my stomach or something. Who are you & why aren't you running like hell in the other direction???? Don't you HEAR these kids??? Ack.



And another thing. My hair will be gone tonite.

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09:32 am

Fuck. This is indeed the dreaded, maniacial, homi-suicidal, hormonal week. One month of meds didn't balance it out & one week back on them isn't enough to prevent the utter abyss that I feel like I'm in.



All I want to do this morning is scream, yell & throw things. Perhaps it's the fact that it's going to be 90 & is already humid. Perhaps it's the migraine that I've had for 48 hours straight. Perhaps it's the kids that seem to do nothing but fight- at least this week. Perhaps its the mother in law that will be moving here, living 5 minutes away as of today. Perhaps itas the assclown husband that is as stressed as I am that is now only working until 5pm rather than 9. He "thought" he told me & "thought" I had the sitter so that we could have a night out. Nada to both & the sitter is now working tonite. Perhaps its that I truly feel like if I hear one more high pitched screech from a child under 3 feet tall I think (if I'm lucky) I'll turn into a heap of salt. Perhaps it's the dumptruck load of cooking that I have to do for the massive party this weekend.



Damn this stupid body that appears to be solid & fit yet feels like it is failing me constantly. Damn the "You don't look like you've had ANY kids" comments when I feel decrepit enough to be a great-grandmother half the time. Damn the cancer that has infested this shell of a body for the better part of this year, compromising every single thing that I need to do every minute of the day. Damn the ablation & the WAY EARLY Menopause that is catapulted me into, making me feel like LESS of...a woman, a wife, a girl & more of an old lady. Damn the hormones that are truly so much bigger than me because I feel fucking crazy. Damn my father in law who thinks nothing of having John run in circles for him & then bad mouthes him the minute he leaves the hospital. Damn my mother who has not bothered to see her grandkids in 10 months despite living 30 minutes away. Most of all I'm damning myself for not being better. Feeling better. juggling better. Losingmyself & allowing myself to be lost once again.



I need a break. A day off, completely off. Silence. Comfort. Something.

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03:09 pm - This rant brought to you by the letter B & the number 6


...In other words, it's not just a Calgon moment but a Calgon day.



One of those where you look at your kids and wonder how the hell they even got here. How common sense didn't rule after the first night of colic with the first kid.



Em is in more of a screaming phase than normal. The normal amount of screaming I'm quite sure has killed some nearby animals. She starts this bloodcurdling screech (As Aimee has heard) and the paint starts to fall from walls or something. It is just so god awful bad. The whole shitfit will be completely unintelligible because the screech is so bad it cancels out words. A tape of her would do wonders at Gitmo, I'm telling you.



So she is worse this week. In the time it took to type this so far there have been 3 screeches from her. Talking is useless. Yelling is useless. I'm trying not to respond & that seems useless. She's also shredding things. Paper. Magazines. She took the top off B's cup & handed it to her. I found B beneath the kitchen table splashing & rolling in milk. Yes. Milk. Truly making up for the twoness she never really embraced I guess.



Meanwhile B is two & well aware. She tidal waved the bathroom awhile ago by trying to flush not one but TWO entire roles of Charmin down the toilet. 1.5 of those roles went down. Maya ever so casually alerted me to this by saying, "Um mom, you have to see Bridget in the bathroom".



3 inches of water, flooded hallway carpet, etc...



Grocery store. i thought that's be okayish. They are always angelic in public. Or "fake" as we call it. Not today. Smackdown in the cracker aisle. Maya wanted cheese nips & Em wanted Teddy Grahams so I said compromise. Bam. Down on the floor slamming each other. I could not believe it. Could. Not. meanwhile B is trying to throw herself out of the cart while saying, "I'll help you Ah-Me!(Emmy)"



Gave them very early baths in the last hour. As Em was in the tub B was downstairs ripping 400 mother trucking kiddie books off the shelves. As Bridget was in the tub Maya drew a mother trucking mural on my kitchen table & tried to say Em did it. Wood table, white crayon, little girls with google eyes & pig tails.



I. Don't. Fucking. Think. So.



Emmy can barely draw a circle because "It's boring."



If my head ever stops spinning I'm going to need aspirin or something stronger to offset the whiplash pain I'm telling you.



I'm sitting here thinking not only should i have gone thru with the divorce last year, but I should have given John custody. Not that I think life would be better because in my sane(ish, calm(ish) moments it's very good- but hell i'd be much calmer.



And did I mention that it's 94 fucking humid degrees on this mid-September day? And that Ella keeps unplugging my a/c?

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09:30 am

This is where my week turns into complete chaos. There are 60 people coming on Sunday. Sixty. I don't know where I'm going to put everyone. Or how I'll feed everyone. John is grilling everything from chicken to steak to lobster tail. I'm in charge of salads & sides. And Maya's cake. And a load of Brownies because John never wants a birthday cake. I still need to grab some of Maya's gifts, decorations, etc.



Thursday the maggot permanently lands her broom here. Thursday we may venture into the city as well. Friday John has training all day in Philly. I canceled the sitter for Saturday because there is just no way we can go out & have everything done in time.



Make a list Tania & just breathe.



I had one of those dreaded moments this morning. It was before 7am & his cell rang. I was making coffee & the phone was on the kitchen counter. I looked at the caller id and didn't recognize the number. I never answer his cell & he never answers mine either. But my brain started running...Alyssa...Aomeone else...



Downward spiral.



All the while I KNEW there is nothing going on & no reason to be paranoid. Knew it. I know where he is & i know he is faithful. But still. It just doesn't go away. In a really twisted way this morning I realized that I'm glad that he has the same worries about me. I'm glad that he gets paranoid too. I'm glad I gave him those feelings because it's not just me at least. That sounds awful, I know but it feels better to have a very level playing field. It feels better to know that for every passing thought that i have about Alyssa, he has one about Andy.



Truly an evil wife moment. Also an honest one.

You know, I hate seeing the date 9-11. I just noticed it when I opened the entry box & it makes me feel sick.




Anyway, so far the weekend has been good here. Very good. Lots of work done. Lots of Yoga. Lots of good food. A new martini...french vanilla mocah coffee. It's Vanilla vodka, starbucks coffee liquer, Bailey's Irish Cream & chocolate syrup. Instant new favorite. I'm off to the art supply store later today to get stuff for the caricature. Now I'm excited & it has to be done by late tomorrow.



John's mother may be a huge help in dealing with his dad. Yes, I actually said that. She is proving to be excellent back up for him. His father is being sent to rehab for 6 weeks & the stubborn guy wants to skip it & go home to heal. He thought everyone will play visiting nurse again. Both John & his mother told him no way. We'll all help, run errands, make meals, etc. but he needs a NURSE. Period. I'm relieved to see them forming a united front there because it really is necessary.



So far today John is fine. I'm anticipating the 9-11 flashbacks at some point thought. It inevitably happens.



I haven't posted any of Maya's artwork in ages & shame on me because she just keeps getting better. This is her "Wizard of Oz" & don't you just LOVE the witch??





This one she did last night of our family. It's John, me, Bridget, Emmy, Maya & the three cats look like they're flying. I love the stripes on Pashie!

10:00 am


I realized I'm still "off". You know, the hormones from the ablation. One month of meds wasn't enough. I have no choice but to conclude that after watching my own head completely spin for the last 24 hours. Happy/Sad. Lovey-dovey/Ready to gauge out someones eye. Bad. Bad. Bad. My body still hasn't balanced out from all of the shit that it has gone thru. Within an hour I was fine then pissed as hell and I finally ended up somewhat okay. All because of the thoughts in my own head.



I can see good. I can see reasons to be upset. I feel guilty because last week I was the queen of gratitude for every little thing & truly nothing in my life has changed to shift that thinking. Well, not much anyway. It's just clear that I need stuff balanced out in order to cope. John's mother will be living minutes away in one week. His dad's prognosis...they aren't saying much but his sugar is worse & they are testing to see if a Malignancy caused his bones to be more brittle. The crowning moment of yesterday...John's sister is in the hospital too with a kidney infection. John picked up his dad's mail & checked voicemail while there & got her message. He deleted it halfway thru & doesn't even know what hospital she is in. MIL LOVED that this morning.



He's off for NYC in a few hours & next Friday (You know, his day off) he has training in Philly. Lots of MIA time coming up between work & his dad. The birthday bash is still on for next Sunday, minus his dad. Yeah. He's away Friday, works all day Saturday, party Sunday. I can't party shop with 3 kids in tow, especially the belated birthday girl.



Stressed much? I'm refilling my meds today, quite obviously.

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12:43 am

I had somehow forgotten how funny The Daily Show is...until tonite's monologue.



John relayed a story tonite. When we were out last weekend we ran into a guy he works with, sort of. This guy works in the dealership's bodyshop. Anyway, John went over to the shop today & the head specialist cornered him. Mike (the guy we saw) told him that John was "robbing the cradle with some hot little redhead that looked about 20ish" and this guy wanted details. And did John's wife have any clue he was messing around. John said he was dumbstruck for a minute before gloating that the little redhead was in fact his wife and that I wish I looked 20ish. He told me because he figured it'd make my day, then chased the comment with a "Note to self...keep Tania away from the bodyshop..." kind of thing.



Miss Squeezy B fell asleep on the loveseat tonite clutching Maya's Kim Possible doll. I ended up putting her to bed with it because although snoring, she wouldn't let go.



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03:42 pm


Ahhh. the mental funk has lifted. I've gotten tons done so far today. Ran the errands. House is as close to spotless as possible. Took Maya to & from school & the babies to the park. Weeded the garden & diced up a bunch of stuff to use in homemade sauce for Brushetta tonite. The dreaded wavepool, tidalwave, Tsounami bathtime times 3 is already over. And my office...is clean.



I've written not a damn thing but I'll have all night to get that out & done. A workout is in sight & I just feel better. A few of you have asked about John's b-day caricature. I haven't even started the real thing yet. Still fleshing out ideas but it needs to be done by Monday. Completely done but I'll get it together. I need to hit the art supply store tomorrow for sure & yes, I'll scan it when it's finished.



I'm really on the fence with my hair. Help me out guys since most of you have seen pics of it long & shorter. It's near shoulder length now after hacking it last spring. One hand...I want to grow it...Other hand I know chin length would feel really good again. I'm leaning sort of towards just razoring it a' la Nicole Ritchie. It's still bright red and the kids keep fighting over which cartoon character I most resemble. Not sure how it started exactly but Maya told me today that I look just like Kim Possible. Bridget said, "No, daddy says mommy wook wike Lasta (Elasta) Girl (from the Incredibles)" Needless to say, the diva disagreed with both of them. Em screeched,"No mommy's a princess like Ariel!"



They agree on the color of my hair at least.

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08:49 am


My FIl was in surgery for 5 hours last night as they put pins in his leg in 5 different places. John left before he was even out so he went to the hospital a few minutes ago to check in. This is going to be another longterm situation. They've said traction & then onto the same rehab center that he was in when he lost his foot 2 years ago. That place is truly horrid. Dismal at best. To say that things here are tense would be the mother of all understatements. I feel sick, the kind that manifests itself in the pit of your stomach & just sits there. I'm loaded with apprehension & fear. John is snapping completely. His response to extreme stress is anger so he's been going off constantly.



I'm walking the line here. Be supportive yet...He cannot let everything fall apart. 2 years ago when his dad was in bad shape he forgot he had a family of his own. He'd make 3 trips a day to take care of his dad & wondered why the dealership found a reason to cut him. His father is a stubborn & selfish fucker. He REFUSED to hire an inhome healthcare. refused. As john says his dad will be the wealthiest man in the cemetary. He was sent home to live alone in a two story house, unable to walk, climb stairs, etc. So John felt obligated to be there 3 times a day. His father seemed to EXPECT this of him, in spite of the fact that we had a 3 month old, 15 month old & a 3 year old. I was basically a single mother & he truly did NOTHINg to help us.



I know...things are radically different. He has morphed into the husband & father that I needed him to be. But I am scared that he's going to blow it. Truly I am. We barely spoke last night because every sentence that dropped from my mouth was seen as an attack. He stated that he cannot repeat the caretaking of last time & I agreed. Instead of that being seen as supportive it was turned into me telling him how to handle things.



What. The. Fuck.



There was no way that anything would be recieved decently because he was clearly NEEDING to be angry.



I said little else & avoided him until he was apologetic & then I still said nothing. There's so much that I wanted to say, like don't fuck this up this time. Set boundries NOW. In another week his mother, step-dad & Peyton will be moved out here (God help me then) & she can help. His sister & her boyfriend seem to think they can raise a child with no income so let them help since work isn't a priority.



All I've said this morning is that he needs to calm down & just find the balance. Can he?



My reality. in another 6 weeks I am back on the medical merry-g-round & I might need his help.



He said something about fearing I'll "abandon" him. He doesn't get that he bailed on me first 2 years ago. The ship was sinking & he didn't care then so I had to bail. I'm just praying the same scenario doesn't play out again.



Totally conflicted. Part of me feels bad because I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt here. He has made a zillion changes since then and I'm automatically assuming/fearing that he'll stumble. Another part of me doesn't even want to think about what "might" go wrong. That part wishes I signed the divorce papers because I'd be 16 months removed from the pain & drama of his family.



Selfish? Yes & that's ok. I need to be somewhere so that I can now plaster the grin to my face while repeating the "It's going to be fine..." mantra

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10:48 am


Something occured to me last night...it's not really Maya's birthday unless there is a medical crisis of sorts. Seriously. John's uncle died the one year. My FIL's foot amputation. 2 years ago Em came running at me with a DVD case & poked me in the eye with the sharp corner. Completely forgot all of that. Since my sleep deprived head is up my ass more often than not, we let Maya open a few small gifts on Sunday. Why? Because I kept thinking her birthday actually was on Sunday rather than Monday. So, we did a few gifts then & had a little cake on Monday. I didn't want it to go unacknowledged even though she knows her party is in 2 weeks. So she scored some stuff like puzzles & her art supplies, holding back her bigger gifts til her party. The sitter came on Sunday night & brought her a Kim Possible doll so she was quite happy. Yesterday John brought the kids over to his dads for a little while. They brought his birthday gifts, drawings, etc. while I took Bridget to the park. We cruised into last night without a problem. They had cake & were getting ready for bed when I hear a loud crack in the living room followed by Maya yelling. "Oh Bridget are you okay???"



I knew her head hit a table. Just knew it. Truly I expected the cracked skull & was stunned to pick her up & find no blood. Maya & em have both cracked their heads so I knew the sound & was making the mental ER list. Instead B has a massive goose egg over her eye. Not an ER run but a ped visit today to make sure she's seeing okay. I thought we got really lucky. The kids went to bed and B crashed on the couch so that I could watch her for awhile. John was upstairs reading and the power goes out for the second time in a week. Within about 20 minutes it was pitch dark. The plan had been to watch movies & neither of us felt like even sitting outside. we retreated to bed instead, until the phone rang. I ended up running downstairs to get it because the cordless wouldn't work. It's 9pm & on the phone is a neighbor of my FIL's. He was being put into an ambulance because he fell and broke his leg. In 4 places. At least it was his already comprimised leg, the one with no foot. But still. So John was out the door & I sat in deafening silence for another 2 hours until I at least had power again.



Needless to say his father was admitted. I have no idea how much of a mess this will turn into, but i know that it will.



Backing up to Sunday night...we decided to get really bad for you, artery clogging bar food. The place is run by a man-hating, very out bulldyke. She's comparable to the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld, and is referred to as "The Wing Nazi". Her food is fantastic, but the wait is insane. If I'm with John, the food comes a bit quicker because she likes me, but not much. So, food was taking forever as anticipated & I was starving so I had a brainstorm. I went over to the jukebox because ohmygod, there actually is one...and started purposely picking really bad music out. 12 songs and every other one was Kenny Rogers "Lady". The goal? To irritate her so that she'd get our food done just to get us out. John was in tears he was laughing so hard. The playlist was like...Lady...Ring My Bell...Lady...Baby Come Back...Lady...Fame...Lady...



Food. Came. Fast. Then.



Today, I'm buried beneath stuff as usual. Work deadlines. Errands. The pediatrician. I'm trying to bribe the babies with the promise of M&M's later.



One more thing...do any of you have an extra or unused VHS tapes to donate to the Burn Center unit of a hospital (You KNOW you have at least ONE!)? Seriously think about it. Fairly immobilized kids in considerable pain that really NEED distractions. Email me or leave me a note for more info on how to donate.

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08:27 am

Yesterday Miss MayaBelle turned 6. Wasn't it just yesterday that these were taken??







More like 5 plus years ago...









Time really does fly...



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Yesterday I went off on John. Bigtime. He was being pissy and finally I just snapped at him. okay more like I turned into a screaming, railing, shut-the-fuck-up-you-ingrate kind of nut. Not only did he apologize and shut up, but damn did it feel good. I realized how completely shut off from my feelings I've been for the last month. If I stayed like that I think I'd quickly become afraid of my own emotions. I'd be overwhelmed by them. I don't like feeling so lifeless so for that reason alone, halting the Prozac was a good move. Nothing ever phasing or moving me is no more "real" then being as completely hormonal as I was before. So, fingers crossed that I've leveled out by now.




John's not working today. Instead he dragged the smoker to work & is cooking for the masses. Yeah, they are paying him to cook, something he loves to do anyway. I gave him his new chef's jacket last night in case he wanted it for today. He told me he has always wanted a black one & was thrilled. I'll have to get pics of him in it.



I grabbed some stuff for Maya's birthday & already got it wrapped. I still need to pick up stuff for a small cake though.



I'm really on the fence with what to do tomorrow night. There's an Italian Festival going on near my parents which we usually go to. Then again, a normal night out at normal haunts has a lot of appeal. I haven't actually set foot in Barnes & Noble in nearly a month and that just isn't cool.

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September 2nd, 2005





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

01:28 pm

I'm really really glad Bush is conceeding that the tiny bit of help that the south has recieved is unacceptable. We were better equipped to help Tsounami relief half a world away.



Why is that?



On a selfish note...my cable is fixed and I'm off to pick up a few b-day prezzies for Maya. Date night has been flipped to Sunday night & we're having a just our immediate family party for Maya at some point over the weekend. Simple. Confetti cake. Small gifts. Balloons. Her party is in 2 weeks but I can't let the day go without acknowledging it.

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09:36 am


I'm really stunned at the footage coming from the Gulf coast. The only large scale tragedy that has affected me more was 9-11 & that was like a direct hit. It affected my family directly, we lost friends, my husband saw the towers come down before his eyes.



This is a close second. I cannot even begin to slightly comprehend what I'm seeing. I just cannot process it, cannot fathom it. The 10 year old that lost his entire family. The guy who listened to his wife tell him to take care of the kids before letting go. The woman whose husband of 50 years died at her feet on a stretch of highway. She sat interviewed with him covered in a blanket beside her. The police told her when the smell gets to bad she'll have to move, and leave him behind. The clearly dehydrated infants. Forget that these people have lost every material thing they've ever worked for, but they're losing each other right in front of their eyes.



And it's going to get worse because it's inevitable. People are going to get really sick & how do you contain that. It looks like the worst of the bad third world countries, yet it's right here.



No amount of help seems like nearly enough & yet every teeny tiny bit is golden.



I feel ridiculously selfish. How can you not? Anything that is a minor grievance just need not even be said. It feels horribly WRONG to me to complain about anything. It rained for 3.5 days straight here, my kids were literally beating the crap out of each other & all I could think was, thank god they are inside.

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03:29 pm


2 of my kids love Snow White & both call her something different.



maya refers to her as "Snow Wipe" while Bridget prefers, "Snope White".

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09:12 am

It's raining, it's pouring & oh, no one is lucky enough to be snoring.



The kids are multitasking, watching the Wizard of Oz while having a tea party. I have to plot out a mini party for Maya on Sunday. You know, a hey Monday is your birthday & you'll be in school & your real party isn't for another week & a half sort of mini party. Cake & a few little prezzies.



I'm realizing something. Even just a month of the prozac left me emotionally stiffled. Is everything lovely? No, but I haven't felt capable of getting very upset. Not that I want to get upset, but I'm someone that embraces my emotions- all of them. Cutting myself off from them is really not healthy at all. I don't want to be nutsy. I'm just hoping for balance here.



My hair...cut it...grow it...I don't know. It's about at my shoulders, just touching. The in-between stage that I hate so much. I love it chin length or else long. This point sucks. Short feels so free & good but I love having a huge mane of flaming red hair.

11:17 am


Yeah, I've been fairly MIA this week. Not a whole lot to say, lots to get done & I've been really busy with work.



My week did get better until this morning. Well, no it's all in how you look at it. I could say shit the motor blew in my washing machine...or I could say, THANK GOD I discovered it smoking & burning when I did so that there wasn't a full blown fire.



Just making lemonade here :D



That aside I'm in a good mood. John's chef's jacket arrived the other day & is already wrapped & put away. The sitter comes at 5pm and I have a very simple plan. I want to get Maya something special for the first day of school & I want to go to Barnes & Noble. If I can't do those two things children free then I'm truly useless, right?



Oh. My mother called yesterday. It's been a full month since her last call. She wanted to be sure that I was okay because, in her words, "I wanted to check because if you aren't ok I'm not sure that you'd call me..."



Bingo. She's getting it. I will not call her, period. It occured to me she hasn't seen any of us since before Christmas. How does a grandmother justify living 30 minutes away & NOT seeing her grandkids once in nearly 9 months? Unreal.



The good thing though, I have really distanced myself emotionally because I truly felt nothing while on the phone. That may sound sad but the reality is that it's a relief.

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This week is fast becoming a real joke. No. I have hope, faith & whatever else that today will get better. 2 lovely bits of fun from yesterday. Bridget taught Emmy the fine art of jamming blueberries up her nose. That was after the bead in the nose incident so I had 2 toddlers with stuff stuck in their noses near dinnertime.




My new comforter...put it on our bed & it is cozy but by this morning I'm not feeling so good. Labored breathing & then it hits me without even checking the tag. They sent the wrong one. The one on my bed is lined with feathers which I am allergic to. I'm surprised I made it thru the night actually. Already called the doctor this morning & already ran to pick up a steroid pack. A week of Prednisone thanks to fucking feathers thank you very much.



So things have to get better from this point on. Good things, good things. We have the sitter for Friday. That's a good thing. John's chef's jacket should come today (I'm praying to God, Elmo & UPS that it isn't lost too).



Lots to get done also. My fingers are crossed the kids cooperate at least a bit.

07:08 pm


Different variations on the same theme today- that theme being how to stress & piss me off. My bedding came, sort of. The 12 pound package was clearly opened & weighed maybe 2 pounds. I have a lovely cream comforter but am missing the bedskirt, shams & 2 sheetsets. I called customer service who then informed me both sheet sets are now out of stock so they refunded everything but the amount of the comforter & then recharged me for the shams & skirt.



Except. No refund is showing but the new charge went thru. Blew my flippin lid on poor "Irene" who then cancelled the shams & skirt & refunded everything but the cost of the comforter. As of right now I'm in the hole $250 for a mother truckin comforter because all of the charges are still showing against my Visa.



And I still need matching shams & a bedskirt not to mention sheets.

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02:18 pm

This is turning into the kind of day where I'd rather be a 2 dollar hooker than a mother.



No, I'm serious.



So far today I spent an hour removing a shiny necklace bead from Bridget's nose, I'm scrubbed squished blueberries off my kitchen floor & I've steam cleaned 2 carpets because of apple juice spills- purposeful ones.



While doing those things I've listened to Maya & or Emmy continually get in trouble, make messes, whatever while repeatedly blaming each other. Apparently the old "Not Me" ghost from Family Circus now resides with us.

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10:01 am

My brain is swirling in a zillion directions this morning. Maya starts school next week. It occured to me that in another year I'm going to be living in my car. 3 kids two different schools, 4 trips every day. I'll soon be morphing into the mom that is always running as opposed to the mom juggling toddlers. I'm really excited to get Maya out the door all day every day. That probably sounds horrible but it's really what she needs too. She needs to be with bigger kids & she needs to come into her own a bit more. It just feels like such a good transition time for all of us. I'm anxious for alone time with the babies. We noticed over the weekend just how toddlerish they become when Maya isn't home. The rest of the time they are trying to act like big girls but when it's just them, they are just silly. It'll be good for them to interact alone more.



I've been busy the last few days plotting & planning a bunch of stuff. We decided to push Maya's party back til the 18th. That date is a done deal. Plus she'll be in school & maybe want a few kids there which would be good too.



Prozac...is it helping? I haven't a clue. I didn't bottom out in the last few days & I likely would have so I guess it stopped that. I have 4 left & I'm wondering if I do another month or if I'm leveled out enough. Otherwise the only change in anything is appetite or complete lack of one. I just don't know.



Otherwise I've been writing a bit more than usual. Working on a few projects at once. It feels good to be somewhat productive at least.

08:44 pm


Getting one little girl ready for school is tiring. I cannot even imagine this time next year when there are 3 little girls needing stuff. Maya & I shopped today. She came home & immediately Em started tearing thru the bags, fashionista that she is. She picked out of pair of Maya's new jeans, put them on herself & spent an hour wearing them, holding them up the entire time. Maya loves her clothes but seems much happier with the new 96 pack of crayons she scored. And her Braatz backpack. That was a must have in her mind.



Me. I figured since I'm really skinny at this point I might as well work the cool mom angle & picked up a green shrug. Never after having three kids did I ever think I'd feel confident enough to wear half the shit I'm able to pull off nowadays. Even with the yoga. So I guess I should high five the cancer for making me have to take really good care of myself, right?



Calm night. My house is clean. reading material awaits. Take out is soon to be picked up. Can't complain about much, truly. Life is good.

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05:39 pm


I've had the priviledge of just watching the babies this afternoon. Take a 5 year old out of the equation & they get along well, usually. I was really struck by the spontonaity of their actions while talking to Aimee. B & Em were side by side bopping to Zoom when Em reached over and smacked B across the face without even glancing from the tv. The fighting snowballed downhill for what seemed like a very long time. 5 minutes after hanging up the phone I was on the floor trying to pry little bodies apart while they attempted to beat the piss out of each other for absolutely no reason at all. And this...this is as close to a break as I get this week because I have 2 kids instead of 3 for the night.



John's chef jacket shipped yesterday & will be here a good 10 days BEFORE his birthday. Speaking of him & his chef-ing skills. He was stressed last night & decided to make a cheesecake that finished baking at 12:30am. This morning the poor guy pulled it from the fridge & went to put fresh fruit on it but hit an invisible slick spot on the kitchen floor. Can you see it coming, you know you can...I got out of the shower to find him with half of a mangled cheesecake that was salvadgeable. That is the kind of crap that usually happens to me. I felt bad for him but I also know for him the catharsis is in MAKING the food not eating it.



The maggot pulled a fast one of course. John managed to blow her off for 2 full days before she landed on our doorstep this morning. He had work at noon & told her he would visit HER at his dads. This got all twisted of course & she called me last night to say John told her to come over to our house at 7am this morning! I didn't know she twisted things until late last night so she was here pathetically early this morning. But. But. I hid my wine for nothing because she drank Pepsi & nothing but that. Didn't ask for any booze thank god.



She attempted to start about Angie & I think she quickly realized no one wanted to hear it. She kept saying the new boyfriend is very naieve though. I must agree there. She quickly changed the subject to John's dad's birthday. it's in 2 weeks & she wanted to know what we're getting him. John won't tell her & simply said it's a surprise. She heard that, looked at us funny and then I swear to god says, "Are you having another baby???Maybe it'll be a boy."



Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.



I calmly looked at her & assured her that Angie will likely have a son.



That emotional rollercoaster aside, I'm ok.

11:25 am


I'm worried about Bridget. She has been acting really quiet the last 2 days & this morning she keeps saying her tummy hurts & then bursting into tears. No other symptoms, no fever, no one else is sick. She is barely moving around at all & can't stand straight.



This is the part of mothering I hate. Trying to figure out what is wrong. Trying to guess whether it's a tummy bug or something serious. I hate not knowing what to do. Wait it out...call the ped...Crap.

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09:54 am

Someone said something the other day that really made me think. The relationship with Andy will always be different from any other because of how it ended. It wasn't that things turned to utter shit or that there was no communication or connection. It wasn't unraveled by lies or deception. Everything was very good when it ended. There was nothing between he & I personally to end it. Nothing in our actions or interactions it was completely situational. Simply a wonderful situation at the wrong time.



How often does that really happen in life? That you walk away because you have to for outside reasons. Not very. Because of that it will always feel like it had the potential to be better than it really could have been. It'll always be different.



Not in a great mood this morning. Everything just feels heavy. Going thru the motions feels heavy. The weight of the kids needs feels like it is crushing me. Breathing just feels like a necessary, energy blowing effort. I don't want to leave the house & yet I know staying in will be no good for any of us.

04:24 pm


I'm not really upset & in a depressive funk BTW. Yes, there's heavy stuff but I'm okay.



Good highlites of today...



Maya is FINALLY writing her full name.



Em volunteered to wear her panties all afternoon & had NO accidents.



I thought the sitter is away this week & today I found out I was wrong so John & I have a date night Friday.



I scheduled an appointment with Tom (AKA marriage counselor extraordinaire) on Friday morning.



It's 4pm & somehow my house is clean, laundry is put away, kids had early baths & a huge Italian homemade dinner is simmering.



I figured out John's birthday prezzie...a chef's jacket.



Decided Maya's birthday party will be Sept. 4.



And...I get to shop this week.

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Not a whole bunch to say this morning. Little things to look forward to...




Criminal Intent is on tonite & it's one of my favorite albeit fuckered episodes. Emotional Vincent D'Onofrio always puts me in a good mood.



John's actually only working til 5 so I'll have help for what seems like the first time in days.



I'm actually hungry for something, anything. Bruschetta & salad. I haven't felt hungry in over a week.



John earned a surprise bonus in next week's commission. He actually made me promise to spend it on me. Not the kids, the house, bills, whatever. I've been ordered to shop for myself.



Otherwise...a few bits...



Dear Bridget,



My dear, it is virtually impossible to pee on the little potty when you insist on taking it apart. I know, I know. It does look like a "silly hat" when you put it on your head, but please. You have other silly hats, let's let Emmy actually use her potty.



Love,

Mom



Dear Mr. Hot Gardener,



Yes, I've seen you the last 2 days, turning off the main street and driving 6 houses down mine only to have it put you back out onto the Main street all over again. I've seen you NOT stop at the neighbor's but instead staring at my house as you slowly drive by.



Yours truly,

The "Pretty Gardener"



Dear John,



Honey, I loathe cheesecake. It's not personal, it's a texture thing. Feeding me your gourmet cheesecake at midnite is not going to go over well. I'm not a good judge of taste, richness, etc. It tastes like an overpriced sponge to me.



Love the chef's jacket though,

"Punkin"



Dear Slowest Grcoery Cashier on The Planet Earth,



If I don't want my gallon of milk in a bag there's a really good chance that I won't want my 4 gallons of juice, laundry detergent, bleach, CASE of pepsi(How does that fit in a bag???) or anything else bulky in one either. You don't need to ask on EVERY SINGLE ITEM. If I didn't want the first apple juice in a bag you can bet your tired ass I don't want the other apple juice in one either.



P.S. You look like Suzanne Vega circa. Luca...



Never picking your line again,

The Bitchy, eye-rolling redhead

09:22 am


The maggot called yesterday & informed me that she'll be out "in a week or so". Now, I know that she never gives notice & in all actuality she could be halfway across the state heading in our direction as I type. She went off about John needing to think only of his kids, etc. I agreed & told her that in order to do that he intends to set down groundrules. That concept zoomed right over her head. Didn't even occur to her that those might apply to her. Tom (marriage counselor extraordinaire) sensed the next visit would be a battle of "Gettysburg proportions". Sadly, John & I both agree. I dread even thinking about it. I wish I could be completely left out of the impending disaster but that just isn't realistic. John is being very strong & stern in what he will deal with though, thank God. In his words, he needs to be even more solid because we won't be part of her Springer show antics.



My energy really is slowly returning- as evidenced by my 6am yoga session. The physical helps the mental a lot. I don't feel so friggin defeated when I feel at least a bit like my normal physical self. Still zero appetite though. I mean, zilch.



This just pisses me off. WTFuck. If they couldn't launch the damn thing safely scrap the mission. If you've watched since last week there are like THREE completely different problems that could cause Discovery to disintegrate upon rentry. Honestly I'll be shocked if that thing makes it back onto the ground in one piece. I feel bad for the crew. I mean, they know the risks & choose to take them but...they likely believed they were more safe than ever after the last NASA shuttle clusterfuck.



Rant over.

Long relaxing day yesterday. I went absolutely nowhere at all. We didn't budge. John grilled a ton of food, the kids played in their pool & that was about it, with a bunch of lazyness in between.




We decided, we want to send the babies to Montessori NEXT Sept. I'm going to call this week for info to be sure that we can get them both in since it's early. I'm not sure about full or half days yet. I'm on the fence. Bridget will only be 3 & I'm thinking maybe half is better. Tuition is steep considering they are babies 4 grand (for both kids combined) for half days, 6 grand for full but there is a discount if you enroll more than one child. It's the only sure way to send them to school together & if they are still at the same level the following year then B's age will be irrelevant. She'll be allowed in anywhere.



John mentioned Maya's birthday yesterday. It's about 5 weeks away which means I have a party to plan. I asked her yesterday what theme she wants & she said either Disney Princesses or Braatz. I still think she is too young for Braatz but have budged with Braatz shirts & puzzles. Maybe I'll find her a doll that is okay for her age & the princess theme it'll be. But I get to plan a cool party for a cool big girl.



Day 4 of Prozac with no side effects other than one...I have NO appetite whatsoever. I mean, none. No matter how sick I've been in the last few months, I've been hungry. I've needed to eat. Now I feel like my stomach doesn't exist. i realized this last night when John asked what I ate yesterday. Salad at lunch & um...um...um...nothing.He went & reheated chicken for me & I swear I FORCED 3 bites before pushing it away. I felt like I'd eaten a ton & would get sick if I ate anymore. I expected to be hungry all the time or at least to have no problem eating. I actually told John this morning to keep tabs on me a bit when he is around. I get busy & if I'm not hungry I don't think to eat.



We talked the other night about the situation with his mother & sister for the first time in 2 weeks. I mean, he dumped his thoughts quite a bit.He wants nothing to do with Angie still, or the new baby. He feels he needs to focus any of that extra energy on Peyton, or at least that's where his loyalty needs to lie. The rest of the family will flip flop & Peyton will feel bad & all sorts of other negative things. She needs to see someone only in her corner. He hates his sister for creating this "abomination" (NOT the baby, but the situation is just that), knowing she & likely her boyfriend will not live long enough to raise this kid. When the maggot told Angie she won't raise another of her kids Angie laughed it off & said, "Oh, okay,." in a way that indicated she believes the family WILL take over again. I told John my honest to god feeling, that we are going to need to move completely away from here if we want peace. He cut me off & said this was part of his total meltdown a few weeks back. He agrees. We're going to have to completely uproot ourselves to get the hell away. Because of other people basically. I'm glad, very relieved that we are in agreement already. The line of thinking is identical thank god.



Bathing Divas...



(Thru the looking glass, literally)

John cheering on Emmy who just went underwater willingly...



All lifeguards hope to see naked chicks, just not THIS kind

Things I will do today...




Get the kids out to do some shopping. Emmy wants new shiny's, Maya wants a puzzle & B will love pretty much anything with a puppy plastered on it.



Go & get the groceries that I should have gotten at the beginning of the week.



Clean up the house.



Drink vanilla coffee because I've barely even done that!!



Tie up my falling over Lisianthus so that it doesn't die.



Run to Barnes & Noble ALONE later.



Give John the priviledge of making dinner. He wants to grill & despite my not wanting grilled food, it's a break.



See Tom this afternoon. He actually called me yesterday to check in & to tell me he left a space for me. His vacation is next week so I guess venting would be good.



Fill the Prozac script so that I can be fat & on a zooming caffeine-like high for the next 30 days all in the name of sanity.



Take pictures of something. Anything.



Yoga. Period.



In other word, force things until they feel good again.

09:24 am - Tagged


Three nicknames - Tan, punkin, Daphne (as in "Ditzy Daphne")

Three things I like about myself - my long legs, my 2 different colored eyes, my moral compass(usually)

Three things I don't like about myself - my temper, sometimes I see all sides of a situation too much & I end up getting walked on, my ex-dancer feet

Three things that scare me - spiders, planes, losing a child

Three everyday essentials - coffee, vanilla lotion, something to read

Three things I'm wearing right now - a gray polo shirt of John's, Old Navy slippers with cats all over them, my librarian glasses

Three fave bands growing up - Duran Duran, Whitesnake, Def Lep

2 truths and a lie - I worked as a hair stylist for years,I hate cats, I love candles

Three things I can certainly live without - stress, John's family, seafood

Three places I want to go on vacation - Paris, Banff, Ireland

Three things I want to do before I die - build that dreamhouse, raise good kids, relax

Tag three people - No pressure!

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09:20 am

So I'm much better. Perhaps it's the Prozac Placebo Effect? No seriously, I'm joking on that. Last month I sank like a rock and after about a week I slowly felt better. Not good, but hella good compared to how bad that was. So that's where I am. Not good, but better than that.



Follow?



Yesterday felt better but I wasn't fooled. I know that this is an imbalance so I filled the prozac. This time next month I'll bottom out again & by then the meds should be working to level everything out. I'll revaluate in a month but if this works then I'll probably do a second month to be safe. I know it'll take 2-3 weeks to feel any changes & in 3 weeks I'll be heading into the craptastic zone again.



Lots of stuff bouncing around my head. I looked into a Montessori school like 5 minutes away. If all goes as hoped & CAN start Em & B together there next year. They both need to be 3 by Sept. 1 & they will be.



We're definetly not renewing our vows in late September. There is just no way. A Christmas renewal is being kicked around though. Something just for John & I basically. We actually both agree, no kids, no family. It's about us. Selfish yes. But at this point that is okay We both want to resolidify things & have that memory to help cancel out the bad shit. It has nothing to do with anyone else. It'll definetly be out of state, in NY where we married anyway. Right now it's a toss up between Lake Placid where we originally married or NYC. December in the Adirondaks or Christmas in NYC. Both are gorgeous in completely different ways. Both are magical in their own right. Lake Placid is just amazing 7 I can't gush enough about it in any season. We've pooled lots of possibilities there. Something a bit traditional to hell, renew vows on the lake during a sleigh ride. NYC it would definetly be at the Algonquin. So...Tania needs another type of dress. Damn, I'll need to shop.



John was cooking obsessively last night. I was watching him & realized that I really was watching a chef at work. I mean, I know this. But last night, I really saw it. Right down to presentation. The man took pictures with his cell of his grilled salmon.



Insane.



He mentioned Gordon Ramsey & I asked him, if the producers of Hell's Kitchen happened to be at a restaurant that you worked at & offered you a spot on the next season, would you do it. His response, "Definetly. In a minute." I thought about it while he babbled about work. He was a sous chef in an upscale Italian restaurant, he was pastry chef & ran an Italian bakery, he has cooked in a bunch of other places. He can truly do it all. He is anal about his cooking. It HAS to be perfect or he is pissed at himself.



After 5 minutes of kicking it around I decided, I'm applying for Hell's Kitchen 2 on his behalf. I'm guessing they'll have info about it after the season finale on Monday. It seems like a real longshot but after thinking about it, given a chane I think he would do really well.



Have I mentioned how tired of the sound of screaming little girls I am?

09:25 am


I looked back & realized it was this time last month that I turned into a hormonal basketcase. This week I've been slipping, seemingly nothing can stop the slide. Yesterday was beyond hard & today I was near tears again upon waking. This basically tells me there is a definete imbalance at work thanks to the ablation in June. I climbed out of it a bit, not entirely, but a bit, for a few weeks & now here I am again. That said, I'll start the meds tomorrow, looking at it as a temporary thing to balance me out. I can't live like this that much I'm sure of. The things that normally are my escapes & loves I could care less about. How many NEW pics have I taken in the last month? I've painted nothing. I am FORCING myself to work out today. The garden, who cares is my thinking. You get the idea.



Totally not myself.



I haven't said much at all to John about how bad I feel again. He is scrambling at work & under typical last week of the month stress. I told him this morning that I feel really bad again but didn't elaborate. If I did I would have fallen apart & he didn't need to start his day that way. Maybe later I'll spill.

I'm the nutjob that calls this blog home. I'm a journalist by profession & a writer by nature. Words just flow & when I'm really hormonal emotional then they really flow. Seriously, I need to write. it's part of who I am.




Who I am also includes 35 year old mom to 3 diva princesses & wifey of 8 years to John. I'm forever trying to climb out of the role of "everybody's favorite maid" but my compulsive need to clean freeze pops off the front porch immediately keeps me stuck.



My interests are all over the place. I'm a fitness goof that loves Yoga, Pilates, running & dance in all of its incarnations. I also drink more coffee on any given day then Juan Valdez & could hide out happily in a bookstore for hours on end. Music...I love some of everything EXCEPT country. I don't care how redneck funny that Larry The Cable Guy is, his choice of music sucks in my opinion. I'm an artist in many respects.It runs in my families blood I think. I paint, draw, love pastels, charcoal & am especially fond of B&W or sepia photography.



Much of last winter was spent planted on the couch watching old Law & Order episodes & I've come away from that needing a 12 Step Program for my rampant crushes. Criminal Intent's Vincent D'Onofrio & SVU's Chris Meleoni. I always prefer the hulky kind of offbeat guy.



The past year has been heaven & hell combined. We came thisclose, no closer to divorcing & somehow turned the mess back into a stronger marriage. Add to that lots of other speedbumps & it has been interesting to say the least.



John~







35 year old hubby & daddy to the divas. He is a workaholic & lives at a car dealership 5.5 days a week. No really, he pretty much does. However his days off are pretty much devoted to family time (that wasn't always the case). He is even more of a bookworm & music fiend than I am. He also loves cooking in any way, shape or form. His idea of a perfect Saturday night at home includes cooking & talking while Garrison Keillor plays in the background.



He comes from a family possibly more fuckered than mine. My mother is a bible thumping Jehovah's Witness while his mom starts drinking the minute one eyeball pops open & she keeps the party going until she passes out. Religion is to my family what Jerry Springeresque chair throwing is to his.



Somehow we meet in the middle & try to avoid them all like the plague.



Maya~





Maya will be 6 in September. She is the queen diva, the oldest of the bunch. Stubborn from day one, when she wants something she sinks her heels in & waits. John says she gets this from me. She also gets the artistic vibe from me. Everything is visual. She draws, paints, does crafts, has to make something everyday. In between that she does puzzles- 300 piece ones. She loves Disney Princess' & Barbies but if forced to choose, art always comes first. She is also a nurturer. She treats Bridget like a little mommy. It astounds me the connection that they share.



Emmy~







Emmy was the sweet angel baby. I knew that the whole time I was pregnant. I didn't know she'd have a head full of red curls & big blue marble eyes. She is a future heartbreaker & she already knows it. She is truly the diva of the bunch. Girlie girl all the way. Her day is like Groundhog Day only it involves dressing, getting her hair done, shiny jelwery, lotions-potions-etc. She is only 3 but already says hi to every single boy she sees. This is the kid that you look at & just KNOW she is out-thinking you.



Bridget~









Bridget (AKA B or Beezy) is the oh-my-gawd-we-can't-be-pregnant baby. She was born 50 weeks AFTER Em, making them IrishTwins. 10 days out of every year they are the same age. While B was a shock she is the best gift in the world. Always happy, always sweet. She lives to entertain, seriously. If something makes us laugh we see it a whole lot. If things are quiet B is singing to herself while dancing. All of that & she is a cuddler. She loves cozy time with me & a pile of book. Animals are another huge thing. She loves puppies best but her birthday kitty is a best friend. Ella actually sits willingly on B's lap & sleeps next to her at night! She might be the smartest of the bunch. Everything Emmy does B can do just as well & sometimes better.



The Cats~

09:21 am


Sometimes you're better off dead

There's gun in your hand and it's pointing at your head

You think you're mad, too unstable

Kicking in chairs and knocking down tables

In a restaurant in a West End town

Call the police, there's a madman around

Running down underground to a dive bar

In a West End town

~ Pet Shop Boys ~



Sometimes my dreams really do speak volumes. This morning I woke simply disturbed. I dreamt I had been walking in a marshy, open kind of area. Think of what it's like behind a stripmall minus the pavement. On each side of me was trees & behind the trees on both sides was a line of brush fire. In the area where I was walking was what looked like a huge abandoned building. I was paniced exactly, just anxious to find my way out of there.



According to the dream dictionary...



Fire

Spirit. Energy. Unpolluted and cleansing. Need to be inspired or renewed.



Flame

Inspiration.I ntensity of emotion. Need to release a feeling.



Burning

Consuming energy. Fiery release. Being passionate towards something.



Walking

Freedom. Movement. Ask yourself where do you want to go



Warehouse

Storage of resources. Ready to put away some feelings.



Weed Useless.

Unwanted. Feelings of being undesired .



Moving

Change. New start. Ready to leave something behind.



Mud

Slanderous charges. Messy feelings. Family disturbances.



Anxiety

Overcoming enemies. Happiness. Good health.



Smoking or Smoke

Restricted vision. Cloud. Screen .Looking to hide certain feelings.



Yeah, I'll just leave it at that.



I woke this morning, looked at the clock & felt a really sinking sense of dread. Why? Because it's morning & I have to get up. It hit me hard this morning, I am really depressed. Somehow I have to shove myself into gear & I have to do something with the kids today. It has been hot as hell, 90's with the heat index well over 100 this week. Today should be a tiny bit better. They are beating the hell out of each other out of sheer boredom this morning.



It's also John's swamped week at work so his presence has & will be minimal until Friday.



I should call Tom & make an appointment. I know this but what is there to say, really? I'm fucked up hormonally, miserable, depressed...blah, blah, blah.



Get over it already Tania.

Gretchen said something earlier that really hit home. She also has 3 girls & she said something to the effect of feeling like she has lost a son. I'm not sure the exact context that it was meant in, but it just made me think. And feel. And realize an awful lot.




When I was pregnant with Maya we were repeatedly told she was a boy. Proof that sono's can be wrong. Even an hour before delivery the doc took a look & still thought, boy. We spent 4 months preparing for our son. The baby was referred to as "Ian"(pronounced E-N) until I actually delivered a Maya instead. We were shocked & surprised & more than anything just thrown for a loop.



Ian had become so real in those few months that at first it was hard to connect all of the inutero stuff to Maya & not some little boy. I think after time John & I both really felt that he would eventually be here because he became too real not to ever exist. Whereas now the reality is that he will not ever exist.



I never really saw it before today but I've spent the last 6 weeks grieving a son I felt like I'd already, in some fucked up sense, carried. Even though that son never really truly existed, all of the things that go with expecting a boy, I experienced those things. Minus ever having the son.



I don't think I mentioned Suz emailing me last week some pathetically sugar laced pile of shit about the baby. All is happy-happy to hear her tell it. I'm not buying it for a second but the fact that she keeps trying to sell it makes me iller.



If she were a good person I'd still have conflicting feelings about the situation. I want Andy to be happy & I know he wanted a baby so I'd be happy yet resentful. Pure selfishness on my part, I fully own that. Yes I decided to work things out with John & I decided things WERE working so it's unfair to hope that he spends the rest of his life missing me. But the human side thinks it would be kind of...nice? Nice to know I was that loved even after the fact.



Yep. Pure selfish Tania right there.



But to know what I do. To know that she has used 2 pregnancies in one year to keep him there. To know that if I'd opened my mouth she would not have had a chance to quick get pregnant again. To know that he isn't happy because if he was she wouldn't work so hard to convince me. She forgets I know him as well as she does. She tries to forget that he & I are alike in our needs & so I know by her words what is missing. And to know that a month from today she'll be having their son...could leave me heaving and hyperventilating for a good long time.



Timing is fucking everything is it not?



Am I bitter much?



So with those thought whirling I did what I do when I'm supposed to be resting. I power cleaned today. Keep busy, don't think. I also went a little overboard in the kitchen. Dinner is homemade pasta, homemade sauce, homemade meatballs & homemade apple pie.



On a saner note because there actually is one. John has been back on track and the reconnecting has happened. We are really okay again. I sort of retreated into my head & the goings on here & just held on until we passed the speed bumps.



I haven't shot anything in days so here is an old Bridget...

Feb. 2003



And an old Emmy & B



Maya & B

09:46 am - All The Little Pieces...








I just want to stay in bed, if for no other reason then because I just don't know what comes next. As of right now I am cancer free. It was all cut out yesterday. I'm likely to spend the next few weeks with a sick, freaking out body and then I'll be good for awhile. I won't know until November if this is truly done. If it grows back again then I'll have a full hysterectomy and it will be definetly done then. What I'm sure of is that I cannot spend the next few months with this eating away at the back of my brain. I have to figure out how to once again shelve it for awhile so that I'm living and not just passing time. The transfusion that I so didn't want last week boosted me up to nearly an 11. Anything over a 12 is a good hemoglobin reading so I'm nowhere near anemic now. That's good overall. Although I kind of preferred to blame my dragging ass on that rather than the underlying condition. I need to gain some weight back but I've managed to keep myself really fit in spite of everything. Doc said that I'm tiny but actually look very strong, "Good thing Tania, you don't appear sick. Pale, but not sick. You're already strong your body just hasn't been able to feel it."



I got myself thru yesterday and watched Hell's Kitchen with John last night. I'm hoping Ralph wins at this point. We went up to bed after that & I told him about the doctor's. Not the medical, but the emotional stuff. I didn't need to say much for him to get it. I mentioned the little boy in the stroller & John's grip on me tightened.



He knew exactly what I was thinking without me needing to really elaborate.



I hope that this sadness passes soon. It just occured to me Suz's boy is due in a month & I'd put money on John's sister having a boy. Count. On. It. I feel crazy sitting here with 3 kids & still being upset over this. It's one of those things I can't say outloud because it is just thankless & hormonal. All of the logic in the world doesn't make me feel less...like I am less. Less of a woman. Less of a youngish woman anyway. Officially old at 35. I jumped straight to the head of the insanity line a few weeks ago by actually apologizing to John for not giving him a son.



Fucking crazy chick.



I know this. I know the realities of gender selection. I know I had no say in it. I know. I know. Yet I felt bad enough to be sorry. Bawling my eyes out sorry. That was the point where John pretty much KNEW he was dealing with a hormonal, sometimes irrational nutbag.



Forced menopauce & cervical cancer don't mix well.



The prozac...I don't want to take it & am reading up. I'm thinking I'll just look at it as another area that needs to be balanced out right now. Everything is out of whack so maybe a month on it isn't a bad idea at all. I like that he suggested a nontraditional approach. Take it for a month & then see how I am as opposed to here's a 6 month script...



That makes it feel better. Temporary, like everything else is.

07:09 pm - Just A Little Pin Prick...


Pain lies on the riverside

So put your feet in the water

Put your head in the water

Put your soul in the water

And join me for a swim tonight

I have forever, always tried

To stay clean and constantly baptized

I am aware now that the river's banks are dry

And to wait for a flood

Is to wait for life

I've got to learn to live until no end

But first I must learn to swim

All over again~ Live



It is the kind of day where I sit crunched up in this chair listening to "Monster Ballads" (think Cinderella, Warrant, Kix) and eating peanut butter ripple ice cream for a nice brunch/dinner combo.



Has it been rough enough to warrant nearly 20 year old hair band tunes and ice cold comfort? Yeah, though not in the ways that I saw coming. The surgery...well. After last months uterus burning, this was nothing. Seriously, nothing. I felt a bit crampy just like cryo does and it was over as fast. Cancer is gone at least we think, for now. What was removed will be biopsied and even if part of it ended up being stage II it won't matter because it is already out. That, I was really prepared for. Physically as ready as I can be. Mentally prepared for the uncertainty and waiting that lies ahead.



Somehow, it hadn't occured to me exactly where I was going. I was so focused on getting in there, getting thru it and then discussing the menopausal shizzle that I forgot. He is an OB/GYN. Mondays are bigtime preggo days. I used to be a Monday appointment with both Em & B.



Somehow while mentally preparing I forgot about emotionally readying myself. I walked in & there sat 3 very pregnant women. Deep breath, sit down. Today he was backed up too. So for the first time in YEARS, I really waited. 45 minutes before being called. That has only happened one other time in 6 years. Today was a waiting room of very pregnant women & not one, but two women with baby boys in strollers. One beside me was named "Ben" & 7 months old. Looked like a china doll but with dark hair & eyes. The cutest baby & for whatever reason he kept going out of his way to get my attention.



By the time Ann Marie(nurse) called me back I was on the very edge of tears. Thankfully half of my ablation pathology report was MIA & that provided a distraction. She called & had it faxed over while I was there & at least everything doc removed last month...the several polyps were all nothing.



Have you ever tried to tell your doctor that you are basically a hormonal, emotional basketcase? Ever tried to figure out exactly what to say to get some help without getting yourself locked away for awhile. Ever tried to do that while still be very upset by pretty much the entire waiting room you knew you'd have to face just to get yourself out the door?



Bad. Bad. Lousy. Humbling. Just awful.



He suggested waiting on any hormone replacement type stuff & trying an antidepressant for a month or 2. He said try it then go against the norm & stop it after a month & see how I feel. It might be that I just need something to balance me out and 30 days might be enough.



So hello Prozac.



John is back to being ridiculously supportive. I got out of that office & got home before a few tears fell. He realized & went into "It's going to be fine..." mode & I thought how friggin ironic. I'm not crying about cancer or the concept of being sick. It's the thought of that bitty boy making me so upset.



I shoved him out the door for a few hours to work. I needed to gather myself a bit. He has called 3 times in 5 hours. Last night we were talking & for the first time I really saw it- just how worn out he is from worrying. Worrying about me. It has taken a big toll on both of us.



Tonite the plan is to go to bed early. He wants to just curl up together & I'm heading there anyway. There's nothing I want to do other than to stretch out and try to cope.



I feel like that's where I'm at. I need to figure out how to cope.

11:00 pm


My mother called tonite.



Yes, you read that right. My mother called me.



She remembered I have surgery on Monday & since it's a family situation & all, she & my dad would be very willing to help out since the cult says family situations are A-OK. She wanted to know if I needed help, babysitting, anything at all.



I turned down all offers.



A first. Truly it is. Before I've thought, be grateful for whatever she can give. Not tonite though.



Tonite I was gracious in the moment while being simply insulted. She hasn't seen me since December. she lives 30 minutes away & now that her fellow cultists elders say its ok, now she wants to see me under the guise of being helpful.



No move is ever just genuine & in the moment. It's all carefully plotted.



Maybe, if we help she'll be impressed & start studying her bible. Maybe she'll come to a meeting. Maybe she'll see how we have verbally beat Cassie into zoned out submission & become curious.



Or maybe I can be offended that it took your cults permission to offer a moment of kindness to your firstborn.



I've never stopped her from seeing my kids before. I've never blown her off on the rare occassions that she would show interest. Tonite was different. Tonite I told her we're fine. I feel fine, John will have the kids & all is well. She was shellshocked & had no idea how to even react. It obviously never occured to her that I'd say no thank you.



No thanks, I'd rather spend the afternoon alone with the kids then allow your superficial help. I've weaned them off of all of you & it is better that way.



In the moment, my end of the call was a no brainer. It was exactly as it needed to be & it felt good to be strong enough to do it. I felt good when I hung up.



Now it's just really pathetic.

06:43 pm - Vocabulary, Bridget Style


Two things...



Bridget has been playing with mini Strawberry shortcake dolls this evening & can't quite say "Orange Blossom". Instead she keeps calling her, "orgasm".



Never saw that word butchering coming!



Also, why the hell has it taken NYC THIS long to start doing random subway searches??? Why didn't that start after 9-11 & I don't mean nearly 4 years after!

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09:08 am

I needed for yesterday to be better, simply a normal day. No inner turmoil, no conflict, no overthinking. We woke up and I decided the last thing that I needed was to talk more about the past week. I told John I wasn't going to see Tom and offered him the time before canceling all together. He and I both needed the same thing. Calm, normal family time so that's exactly what we had. I went in for my gross before surgery re-fueling and then we spent a few hours out with the kids. They were happy to come home with happy meals and I cleaned up while John took a nap.



We ended up going out last night and it was nice. We both agreed it was the first day we had both felt remotely relaxed in a week. John's mother had called earlier in the day. I'm not sure where she is but before that he told me "no one gets in this weekend unless we invite them" and on the phone with her he stated, "We are busy all weekend long". He wants to see her as much as I do.



We went to Barnes & Noble and in between finding Elmo & Princess books we ran into old friends & spent an hour catching up. They may come over on Sunday for dinner. Instead of looking for books last night I grabbed several magazines- Yoga, gardening & trashy. Seemed more comforting in the moment. Dinner was comfort food, white pizza with garlic & sundried tomatoes.



Comfort things were the theme of the entire day & night. It worked. By last night we both felt reconnected.



Part of me is so flippin drained. i just want to sleep. Another part just wants to do. Create stuff. Write more, photograph more, paint more. My garden is a mess. I have to get that cleaned up this weekend. I think tomorrow morning that'll be my priority & John can watch the kids.

02:33 pm


So everyone's cat sleeps like this, right?



???????



I'm just saying, she is bizarre.



I'm debating about canceling my session with Tom tomorrow. I feel like I have little left to say & like words falling from my mouth won't help much now. Maybe I'm wrong but I think i just have a lot to figure out on my own.



John. I don't know what I'm thinking really. Either I'm with him & supportive or else I'm not. I'm supporting him, but am I with him really at this point? I'm not sure. He has done a complete turn around over the last year & really stuck to his word. When he says he'll never repeat last weekend because it scared the hell out of him, I have very little reason not to believe him. When he says he'll do whatever necessary to keep himself in line, I believe he will. I do believe that he wants & intends to do everything necessary to hold onto us. I think he was far enough removed from his former self that he forgot he could slip, badly. I believe he will put his foot down with his mother & close her out if need be. I have seen him do nothing but cater to OUR family even while she has been around. It was me the last few months saying, let's meet her later...tell her she can stay tonite...it was me trying to help pull people together. Not him. His list of unforgivables regarding her behavior is actually longer than mine is.



It isn't about what he will do & what I really trust. I mean, I fear, yes. But I do trust he wants things as they were. But the reality is that he is in recovery & slips can & do happen. Can I deal with that? Can I accept that he might slip smallscale & learn something in the process, or is that not good enough. If I can't accept that he may slip & need some extra help then I can't be here. If I can't support him thru the rough spots, truly just support him & trust that it'll work because nothing else is an option, then he deserves better. Or someone different. I'm not perfect & I can't expect him to be the perfect man that I need him to be all of the time. If what he has turned into isn't good enough, then I can't stay.



What he has turned into is the man that cooks for me, caters to me, is constantly entertwined with me either lumping on the couch or sitting outside on the swing, he calls twice a day from work just to say hi, he comes home for lunch because he misses us, he does anything at all that I ask him to when it comes to the kids- be it putting B back to bed for the 5th time in 30 minutes or playing ball with Maya, he has embraced his familytime and goes out alone maybe once a month as opposed to 3 hours a night, the kids cry if he walks out the door without kissing them goodbye, he is a great provider and works his ass off for the extras, after he wrapped his head around the word cancer he has been an enormous support, walking the line of nurturing NOT caretaking, he communicates everything & has become my best friend.



If I can't look at all of the good & accept a royal fuck up here & there then this won't work.



I don't know if it is all enough. That is the problem. Maybe I'm coming off of last weekend still. Maybe it's my hormones being completely fuckered. Maybe it's the fact that I'm sick a bit more than I ever let on & after 6 months I'm just tired & drained from having something eating away at me.



The "I don't knows" are very calmly stated in my head. I'm not crying, it's matter of fact. I have no plan of tossing him so that tells me I'm more inclined to see how this plays out. Maybe watching him do all that he promised & watching him verbally pummel his mother will help. Maybe the meds that I'm most definetly asking for next week will help as well. I intended to talk to Dr. Tsous about the hormonal whackedness & ask for a script...just in case. Now I can't imagine coming home without a filled script. I'm waving a white flag here. I concede. I need more help.

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11:02 am



Blue - Rational and sympathetic. You are the best

friend anyone can ask for. You tend to put

others ahead of yourself.





What Color Glow Stick Are You?

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09:17 am - Tomorrow Looks Lovely

Don't give in, without a fight~ Pink Floyd



I'm supposed to get the sitter for tomorrow night. I truly could care less. Will it matter? will it make things better? What if it makes it all simply worse?



I'm questioning or simply overthinking everything. You know...What if this was wrong...what if I should have divorced him...what if I chose WRONG, dead WRONG...



In the pit of my stomach & in my heart am I really questioning these things? I don't know. Maybe it is a protective surface-level thing. There's just too much right now.



I am so tired. It occured to me that my body has been fighting off this shit for 6 months now that I'm sure of. 6 months is nothing yet it is a long time all at once. I just want to be alone somewhere, a little bungalow on a beach or something. Leave me the fuck alone already. In reality, I agreed to a transfusion tomorrow. One stupid bag to lift my hemmoglobin. I could barf thinking about it, but I know the difference it can & hopefully will make. I'm still below a 10 (12+ is normal) & the surgery Monday will knock me down a bit more. I need anything that will boost me so that I can get back up to speed faster. I pretty much know my body will react for a few weeks after cutting out the cancer & I'll be sick. So logic says, Tania needs to fuel up.



But damn.

What the hell is wrong with me today. i don't even know. i mean there are so many possibilities it's silly. So I've been crying.




And crying.



Crying while realizing just how trashed my flowers are (6 plants dead & counting).



Crying while fighting with John this morning.



Crying while he kisses ass & apologizes.



Crying while doing every damn thing that I've needed to do today.



Crying while playing outside with the kids.



Crying while dealing with breakthru bleeding due to extreme stress according to Dr. tsouso-greek-dude.



Crying while deciding to have the LEEP done on Monday after all because cold knife conization would require anesthesia after all.



Crying while finding myself wondering, "What if I did make a huge mistake here."



Crying while looking at Suz's baby registry online & seeing a load of obvious boy stuff has been added.



Crying while typing now.

09:17 am


Hello?

Is there anybody in there?

Just nod if you can hear me.

Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.

I hear you're feeling down.

Well I can ease your pain,

Get you on your feet again.





Yesterday was just lousy. I had such a hard time holding my temper, I don't know how I actually did it. Today I don't feel nearly as angry but I have chest pains instead.



John is ok. Almost too mellow now. The emotionally spent kind of mellow. I wasn't sure what to even say to him yesterday. I mean, there is so much that went on that he didn't even know about. So much his mother said, the way Peyton found out...so many things directly linked to my rage. Things he needs to know to understand but I wasn't sure how strong he is.What can I tell him & what will push him back over the edge. I just didn't know. Plus, she, her hubby & Peyton are supposedly coming back this weekend so time is a real issue. I will not have my house in an uproar & then have surgery Monday morning on top of that.



No fucking way.



So last night I told him some of the stuff.He didn't react much at all & I found myself getting pissed. He reacted to everything else in the last few days...but I know it was better he stay calm. I know he'll deal with his mother & thats good because I really don't want to. I explained how she systematically poisoned everything in the house. Good moods were gone, drama was front & center, she kept literally barging in, wouldn't respect the fact that she was a GUEST...she refuses to get her own drink but thinks nothing of storming my bedroom while I sleep...The disrespect was insane & just completely unacceptable. It won't happen again. She's toxic, kills everything on contact including 2 of my lisianthus plants.



I know that he has been weakened but by the end of this week I need him to keep her the fuck away from me.



I don't feel strong enough to handle more. Nothing feels like much of a comfort unless I'm buried way in my own thoughts to the point of spacing out.

09:01 am


So much I left out. Like how MIL kept campaigning to take Maya back to Pittsburgh with her for 10 days. As she did nothing but drink booze every second I saw here, she thought she could persuade me. As if the booze didn't clinch it- & believe me it did- she says, "Well, she doesn't miss you or John when she stays at his dads overnite with Peyton. She only cries for Emmy & Bridget."



Ok, she cries for her sisters just going overnite. Sure let's add 9 nites onto that.



I also neglecting to even touch how Peyton was on the cordless phone when MIL called her hubby on Friday & confirmed Angie's pregnancy. You know it was a "how can she throw away her daughter & have another baby" conversation 7 when Jules hung up he found Peyton in the bathroom with the cordless. She then put herself to bed. He ended up attempting to do major damage control.



This morning John has left for work & I'm finally alone in some semi-normal state with the kids. I slept 2 hours because B decided that last night was a good one to be up demanding attention from midnite til 4am. I was exhausted before that & now I'm much worse but she never gets up like that so I feel bad even complaining. I can't remember the last time she stayed up during the night.



Rage is still the most dominant emotion right now. I feel like I could destroy half of this house in under 5 minutes. Not good to be juggling that type of rage when there are 3 little kids running around. I hear a screech & I want to smash something. Bad. Bad.



My game plan is to just power clean. Get any sign of the bitch out of my house. Reclaim my turf because its bad enough that I feel like I need to do that. Get the kids out for a long walk. I hate feeling this way. I can feel myself expending a crazy amount of energy just trying to keep my temper in check while knowing that I have every reason to be this furious.



The nightmare...


Me saying the last 28 hours are some of the worst ever kind of makes a statement in itself. Some of it is already a bad blur, with details fading behind others that seem more important. Yesterday, no matter how bad it felt I thought I'd seen the worst of it. I thought John would be ok that day. A simple slip easily corrected. He kept saying he cracked & while I completely agreed, I had NO idea how bad. He was guilty, apologetic, devestated, sickened by his own behavior. All things indicating a slip. I thought, sober up, talk to Tom (our counselor) & make a solid plan. Solid way of dealing with his mom. He kept saying, "No, I lost it. If you kick me out I don't blame you, if you hate me I don't blame you." I asked what he did & realized pretty quickly that he did something. First he drank a few glasses of gin. As soon as I heard that I knew he did something really awful. One gin makes him awful, extremely angry I can't imagine more than one glass. It didn't take much for him to spill his guts while crying hysterically.



"Since I don't know where Angie & her boyfriend live I drove over to___(gives me Andy's apartment address) during the night-"



I cut him off while just sinking in my chair, asking repeatedly what he did.



"No one got hurt. But whatever car was in his driveway I TORCHED IT. The drivers side door was open so I poured gasoline on the front seat & tossed in a match."



I couldn't even get words out. While I know Andy lives with Suz now he does keep the apartment because he is still that boro council prez. The car was likely his second rarely used one.



I was hyperventilating right along with him. That is fuckin . It is a crime & if he is caught I will have to deal with Andy. I can not believe he would do anything to risk bringing him back into our lives. Can not believe it.



The things I couldn't say. Oh my god. Like I cannot be anywhere near Andy for either good or bad reasons because I still, miss him & grieve losing him. I can't bear the thought of seeing him. I could simply not handle it. I say that about next to nothing, I can & will handle whatever is thrown my way but I definetly can not handle that.



So many things that until now I haven't even allowed myself to think about.



John spent the day begging me to turn him in. He feels so guilty he may turn himself in. He believes he is basically a demon at least this weekend. He said it was like watching someone else torch the car until he got hit with flames. And yes he is burnt in case I had any questioning of his story. 4 fingers on his right hand are just nasty & his right eyelid has to hurt.



I actually did not give him hell yesterday because I didn't feel I had to. He was already tortured by his own actions. I felt bad for him because he has done fantastic for a year. He has to really be hurting to fall so fast. I flipped between thinking he should be picked up & hoping this one just might slide. Finally thinking whatever should happen will.



By about 6pm he was sobered up & was trying to stabilize himself. I thought, ok he is seriously sorry, he has learned something here...then the maggot calls. She tells me she fought with everyone she had contact with all day. My FIL was bad mouthing me which she felt the need to use as a conversation starter & it was downhill from there. She thought she'd end with, "Well, I'm going to sleep on your couch tonite so that I can see the girls before I leave tomorrow." Before that she ran down a list of things to rail John about. I cut her off & was simply feeling very protective of him. He has cracked on a weekend. He debated signing himself in somewhere just to get meds in his system before Monday. I told her she could NOT come here to start shit, he needed to be left alone. I felt like a protective mother, "You will not mess him up more today..."



I got off the phone & just wanted to go to bed. I felt like I'd spent 36 hours playing crisis counselor & couldn't take any more. I had nothing to give & I just felt sick. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally sick. I hate what he did but I understand that he lost control & I really understand all the heavy things that led to it. At that point I just wanted to help him & myself. We decided to invite his friend Bill over. Bill is calm, stable & honest. I was going to bed, he is good for John & if the maggot showed up he'd be here.



I got a shower & climbed into bed at 8:30ish with trashy magazines & 2 cats. I turned out the light at about 9 once Bill arrived. Next thing I know I'm awakened to the maggot flinging open my bedroom door, throwing on the big overhead light & blubbering some shit about John calling her a whore.



No fucking respect for me in my own house. They were all outside so she had to come in & upstairs to find me. I asked her to leave & she sat down on my bed so I told her to get the hell out. That failed to so I got up knowing she'd follow me. I took her back outside to John & said, "You called her a whore?" Bill interrupts & says, "No, SHE keeps SAYING he called her that" Bill looks irritated as hell & John is downing the Jack Daniels she brought. I just looked at Bill after noting the bottle & he says, "Go ahead, I'm staying." so I went back inside & up to my bed. I wanted no part of this fucking family shit. Sad that she'd come & find me anyway, but I wasn't dealing with a second night thanks to her. I lay back down trying to relax. I heard nothing thanks to the a/c until a horn is blaring. I get up to look & see her car half in the driveway with my husband standing on the roof of it. Of course I bolt back down the stairs thinking I'm really ready to kill someone. Bill & I are both trying to calm John down as she preaches about her wonderful daughter & how maybe THIS baby will be good for her. Mother fucking button pushing 101. Purposeful too. What I didn't know until hours later was that when I came out she had just pulled into the driveway after driving 6 fucking city blocks with him on the hood or roof of her car. I guess he asked for Angie's addy after she goaded him & she went to leave so he figured hopping on the hood would stop her. Instead she took off trying to knock him off her car. Into oncoming traffic? When Bill finally told me he said all he thought was "OMG she is going to throw him off & he'll get hit. I hope Tania isn't watching this."



And it is a really good thing that I didn't see that whole thing. He wasn't getting off the car so he wouldn't get hit. Had I seen her take off with him I probably would have truly clubbed her with her own booze bottle. I am so serious.



I got him into the house & he is hysterical, just hysterical asking me to promise I'll have him cremated. Wonderful. Now I'm stuck doing serious damage control. I got him to sit & calmed him a bit before making an excuse to get him something from outside where Bill was. I was ready to 302 him & I wondered if Bill agreed. I get outside & tell both of them he is threatening to hurt himself & the maggot says she just doesn't know what the hell his problem is.



Is stopped dead & went off momentarily about the long stressful work hours, 3 kids, sick wife...pressure to take Peyton...And the bitch says:

"I've never asked you to take Peyton."



I reminded her of less than a month ago you know, "Will you two promise me you'll adopt Peyton when I can't handle her..." and she snaps, "Yes & you said no & that you would never even take in your own sister."



What. The. Fuck.



Never said that. Said even if my sister had a child I wouldn't take it right now because I can't. Can't handle another child I have 3 in 5 years & hello, I have cancer so I'm not 100% here. Bill is totally nodding in agreement because he has 3 kids with 5 years too, then I say the word "cancer" and he looks at me & says, "OMG, you do???" So much for no one knowing. All of that took probably 2 minutes to actually say & then Bill & I were circling about John. Sorting options while his mother kept interrupting..."And another thing Tania, do you remember when..."



We'd talk over her. Another interruption, talk around her all the while watching to make sure that John is still seated where I left him. She interrupted a third or fifth time for all I know & finally I just told her point blank to shut the hell up. "Did you NOT hear me say that your son wants to HURT himself?"



Stupid fucking herecomesthatwordIneveruse CUNT.



We all go inside & Bill starts talking to John about me, how lucky he is to have me because it is very clear that I just want to help him. Bill's wife is really awful. Cold hearted bitch. He reminded John of how last night could be going down.



He went back outside with Bill and I searched everywhere including the maggots stuff for booze, dumping any hint of it. Bill stayed until 1am & John slept on the loveseat while his mom slept on the couch.



I go to bed thinking he needs help but it really is simple. No booze, we know Effexor works for him, more time with Tom, he'll be ok. Clear his head & simply make rules regarding his mom. I do see it as that simple. We know what to do because it is what has worked for a year so getting him ok is actually not going to take long. I woke to him crawling into bed at 6am & the next time I opened my eyes it was 7:30. The maggot was up for hours & I found new obviously used & faded shit everywhere. Faded Scooby Doo blankets. Cracked bowls from god knows where in my cupboards. She had gone thru the little envelope thing in the kitchen looking at our just paid bills. I was irritated by trying not to let it show. Keep things calm for John's sake, get her the fuck out once & for all never to repeat this again. It is lucky for her I found the flower mess AFTER she left. She had said she left a few birdhouses outside. I thought, ok, whatever. Then I saw it. 20 fucking stakes. The one by my tomatoes she wrote "tomatoes" on with a black sharpie. So motherfucking tacky & she killed roots of some plants. While yanking them out & flinging them across the yard & realized how fucking furious I really am.



I have never felt that NOT in control of my own home before. This is my house god damnit & how dare she think that any of this shit is acceptable let alone welcome. I have been keeping my own blatant rage in check all day for the greater good but fuck, I'm going to need to vent it soon.



John saw the flower mess & really got pissed. He kids me about the flowers but god forbid anyone else mess them up. "I swear to god if she killed your flowers that is just IT".



He is sober. Talked to an AA hotline counselor for an hour today & is at a meeting now. He sees Tom in the morning & the meds will follow. Drying out was the biggie. Once his head is clear & thoughts can form he isn't stuck in the pain. She threw him off a cliff & the booze kept him stuck in the pain. We both agreed this feels so much worse now than it would have a year ago. We've worked too hard to let anyone or anything topple our family. I know Tom thought this was coming & really will push John to set solid boundries on contact with his mother. John actually is more honest with Tom than I when it comes to his irritation with her. He cannot stand her, period.



I just have every emotion running thru me tonite & I've felt like I had to make sure he'd be ok first...before I could feel anything.