January Stars

In January I:

<3 Figured out school, applied, was accepted, & funding is now in place for April.

<3 Wrote something every single day. It's about time.

<3 Started running again after taking a month off.

<3 Lost a Dee Dee Dee & reconnected with crushdriver.

I accomplished a few good things. I should feel MUCH better than I do.

Song of the Day: George Winston January Stars..skated by Torvill and Dean

Scared Sh*tless

Creeping up on day 8 of sick kids. Em came home Thursday after throwing up & I kept her home Friday to be safe. Her teacher TOLD ME to do so. It was an early dismissal anyway & we figured give her the weekend & she'll be good for Monday. Last night she spiked a fever & coughed like mad. Today she seemed a bit better but pretty much refused to eat. Still I thought I was seeing improvement. She has been washed out for days (think Edward in Twilight minus the glitter, no wait she always has glitter somewhere...) which scares me. A year ago my Emmy was very sick. We went thru months of testing & being passed around from specialist to specialist before finally they determined it is early Gall Bladder disease. She has since been stabilized & while surgery will be inevitable, holding it off for as long as possible is the goal. She has gained 8 pounds since last spring & went from washed out & fevers daily to full of the energy that a 7 year old should have. Tonite she was sprawled on the couch & my heart just stopped for a second I swear it did. I was looking at the Emmy from last year. Her fever spiked again tonite and she is coughing in her sleep as I type. I know it's probably Bronchitis at this point so we're heading to the doctor's in the morning. Thankfully she can be seen on a Sunday. I know it's the same thing that B had and exactly what Maya (who started coughing finally today) is getting. But relapse with her GB scares the hell out of me. We went thru months of her spiking fevers daily. High ones. A couple times a week the school would call because Em was over 103. I fear anything that could trigger her body & send us back to that.

Just Let Me Clear My Throat

Okay. This is probably not going to sit well with some people but I really could care less. I'm not attempting to insult or criticize anyone, simply would like people to actually think.

Haiti is a disaster. We all know this. I suspect even if you lived under the proverbial rock you would somehow still know it. They need help. They need everything. Some have lost everything that is irreplaceable- loved ones. It is terrible & the media has made sure that everyone knows just how horrid it is. The media has made sure that people know exactly how to donate. Call... text... click here...send...buy the new We Are the World single...

Help is needed & it is great that the US is a country so ready & willing to help. That is one of our stronger points as a nation. We don't just sit back and let others fix things, we...do what we can when we can.

Here's the thing. If you have given to help Haiti are you as quick to help others in our country in need? If you are on the East coast it is a BITTER cold winter. I'm in a city with about 80,000 and there are shelters for the homeless. They don't have enough blankets. They need gloves. The pantries in some of these are filled on a voluntary basis & are empty. Our local news has had several stories about the needs right here. Years ago when you thought homeless you'd picture an old, disheveled guy that reeked of booze. Now it is a thirtysomething that lost his great job & subsequently lost his home & is scrambling to find work without a contact phone number. Now it's a small family that is living on one income due to sickness of the other adult. Banks, landlords, etc. only care so much when you can't pay.

If you've given to Haiti have you also helped your local women's shelter? Several times a week they have women coming into shelter, emergency situations where she has left an abuser for good. We all say women NEED to do this but have you ever actually done anything to help a woman transition? They never leave with more than the clothes on their backs & on their children's backs. They need EVERYTHING & if they don't see that there's help it makes it that much easier to go back to an abuser because he now has all the necessities. Next time you walk into your kids closets, sort out their clothes. Many schools now run on uniform policies. Chances are your kids have stuff that doesn't quite fit right there. Bag it up & drop it off. Women that are displaced have children that NEED to go to school. They NEED uniforms & they need the normal routine while she figures out her next steps. Next time you're in a dollar store, grab a couple extra toothbrushes or toiletries & drop them off. The little things matter so much when you've got nothing.

If you've given to Haiti have you checked on the woman across the street? You know, the one whose husband ditched out & left her holding everything? Of course you do, everyone is talking about it! But have you actually talked to her? Have you offered to watch her baby for an hour while she walks into custody court scared shitless, for the very first time? What she doesn't need is to be carrying a small child to stress her even more.

If you've given to Haiti have you taken a minute to visit the old woman two houses down that has Meals-On-Wheels (food) delivered to her at the same time every day? You know she has food but it's winter, does she have heat?

If you've given to Haiti have you seen someone around you in need and extended a bit of help because you could?

The little things to us are absolutely monumental to someone in need.

Sick Muppets

I have seen a LOT of this over the past week. Day 7 of sick kids here :(

Song of the Day is Edison Gem's Time Stands Still.



LOVE it, they are so soothing. You can find it & more of them right HERE.

I'm Not A Stalker, I'm Just Curious. (By the Way, You're Out of Milk)

My friend M met a guy 2 weeks ago. They have seen each other twice. Nice guy. Cute guy. Decent guy. But no sparks. She just wasn't feeling it at all. Liked him as a friend but knew it was going to stay that way. She is very independent, has a son & is just really busy. She plays no games & was in touch but not leading him on at all. She didn't think she had to spell it out because she thought the friend factor was obvious. He suggested a third date and she hedged, truthfully holding the spot open for her high school sweetheart that has just remerged after 20 years of hiding. She told the dude she wasn't sure what her plan was or if she could get a sitter. His response, "Oh, I see how this relationship is going to go. You'll always be moody, right?"

Relationship?

Um, yeah. No. Just no.

Realizing he was looking at them as an item she really backed off & basically became very unavailable to him while verbally reminding him that they were friends. With two dates. And no chemistry.

So he has started text bombing her, commenting on every FB status she posts. Can't get rid of him. I listened to her whining about the dude & it reminded me of a guy that I saw for about 15 minutes.

Ben described himself as Mr. Wonderful (don't they all?). Smart, good looking, athletic, energetic, loves kids especially his daughters, he's an EMT, doesn't drink (remember that part), looking for someone to love... blah blah blah insert the rainbows, chirping birds & hearts falling from the sky. The first time I really talked to him the positive description didn't jive with the voice. He sounded depressed. After a few conversations I figured he was nice, maybe just not a phone person. First date went ok. Second date Mr. I-Don't-Drink showed up trashed. So trashed that it felt irresponsible to have him drive his ass home. When he campaigned for a third date I refused. That's when Mr. Depressed turned into Mr. Batshit Crazy. We talked at 8pm & I stopped responding to him FOREVER at around 9pm. I was inundated with texts, emails, voicemails in rapid succession. I mean as I read one email 2 more appeared. And those voicemails, each one a bit drunker than the previous. "Ruuuuubbbbbyyyyy. I neez zu. How canu dodis to (long pause) me..." In 24 hours I recieved 43 texts, 50 emails, 4 FB messages, 9 voicemails & a total of 42 phone calls.

I remember at some point doing what I always do when things are reaching new pathetic lows, I started laughing my head off. It became hilarious. I laughed while replaying messages for friends who listened in disbelief. I laughed extra hard while starting a "Ben file" on my computer because, a girl never knows when she might need a restraining order.

Seriously.

Song of the day:



3 days of crazy & then he was gone. Maybe sober & embarassed. Maybe face down in a puddle. Maybe in rehab. My bet is that he latched onto some new poor sucker woman that very quickly ran like the wind.

It's amazing that I can look at any man & even contemplate dating ever.

Signs from Above- or Something or Other

Ever have a situation where you are on the fence about how to handle it & then BAM! The choice is made for you. Just like that.

I decided I was NOT going to be accessible to crushdriver but visual... that might not be a bad idea, right? I contemplated timing my morning run to coincide with his morning- run. Then a bit later when he would hope for a chat I'd be damn sure that I was NOWHERE in sight. At this point he HAS to come to me or nothing will happen because I do NOT chase people in general. Men? Forget it. So I tossed the idea around, got out of bed to find the coolest snow ever! Heh. Ok maybe not coolest ever but it was that wet, big flaked, super slippery stuff that you can't walk on without risking broken bones. I took the kids to school and just in case I was a total Dee Dee Dee and thinking about running, my phone rang. Back up, the kids have to be to school for 8:20 okay? My phone rings at 9:12, "Hi, this is Melissa...the nurse from...(insert school) is this Emmy's mom? Okay well Emmy just THREW UP IN CLASS can you come get her?"

Can I come get her? Like, they were giving me an option???? What if I said no?!

I zoom to get her, find her flat out in the medical room. In the hour since I'd left her she had transformed into a very sick kid. OMG she looked like hell. I talked to her teacher this afternoon when getting B & her teacher said they were having a Spelling Bee. Usually Em is bubbly & loves them. Today her teacher called on her, Em stared blindly before putting her head on her desk! Then she picked her head up & asked to go to put a cold cloth on her face. Em said the room was spinning while she got sick right at her desk. Poor kid. She spent her day cuddled up on the couch with the remote & library books. She reads chapter books now, a few a week. My sister called me tonite from Target & I was thrilled because she grabbed more Junie B books for Emmy.


So yeah, I went nowhere aside from my 3 trips to school and back. As of now, tomorrow isn't looking much more promising.

I'm stressed. Really, really stressed. A week straight of sick kids, less earned income, I feel kinda crappy & on the verge of sick. Really stressed.

Song of the day? One from the mid-80's that I loved :)

Time Tested Beauty Tips ~~(Sam Levenson )

For attractive lips,
Speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise,
Walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things,
have to be restored, renewed,
revived, reclaimed, and redeemed;
Never throw out anybody.

Remember,
If you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older,
you will discover
that you have two hands,
one for helping yourself,
the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman
is not in the clothes she wears,

The figure that she carries,
or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman
must be seen from in her eyes,
because that is the doorway to her heart,
the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman
is not in a facial mole,
but true beauty in a woman
is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
the passion that she shows,
And the beauty of a woman
with passing years-only grows!

Song of the Day

Alice...By Sephora

Alice In Wonderland Book of Shadows. Thank Sephora :)

CrushDriver Chronicles

Saw him today, briefly. This after a voice mail message asking me to catch up with him today, if I could. So I did. I only had a few minutes so I figured I'd grab the usually empty bus for a few blocks & see what he had to say. Me? I'm fine. We feel similar. If it goes somewhere ok & if not then its still not the time. That is truly how I feel. Together or not this man will weave in and out of my everyday life until the timing is right. I suspect. Anyway, I hop on the bus to see a lady was there. Fifty something but looked older, chumy with him. She had brought him lunch, whatever. I know they get friendly with regulars so its not a shock. He & I spoke in code for the first few minutes. Are you thinking about IT (meaning last week)? Hell yes, nonstop, are you? Yep so now what?... The woman, looked at me, at him, at me and just watched. We stopped at the Community house/park as he is supposed to wait for a few. She informs us she needs a smoke & asks if he cares if she goes outside for one. "By all means! Go have a cigarette! (To me) You, get back here." as he motions to the back of the bus. He carts his lunch as I follow. We both sit in the very backm he leans over & gives me a brief kiss & points out that SHE can't see in the windows. He cracks open his food, a pile of chicken, mashed potatos, gravy mush and tells me the ball is in MY court! Um, no. I informed him that he needs to decide where his brain is & then he needs to be brave & a bit aggressive. THEN it's in my court. Until then it's still in it's wrapper. Bottom line, he is scared still. I told him that I know & I also know that he is afraid because the more time he spends with me the more he would want to & THAT is what really scares him. He thought about it & searched for a response. Like, he searched on the roof of the bus, on the floor, looked everywhere before telling me that I'm too damn smart. At this point smoking lady gets on the bus & we both come to the front of the bus. As I go to sit down she says to me (while motioning frantically at him) "We're just friends! He & I! We're just friends. If he's having lunch sometimes & I see him I join him but there's nothing more than that going on you need to know!" I look at her in utter shock and smiled in amusement. "Oh, okay! Lunch smelled great!" She thought we were a couple! She picked up on the change in him I'm sure because she knows him as a friend of sorts. He was louder with her, kind as ever to me. I'm guessing the chemistry must have really hung in the air for her to assume things because I have NEVER seen her before. As we drove a few minutes to where I'd get off the conversation went like this:

Him: Where are the girls, school?

Me: Yes.

Him: How long?

Me: 2:30. Do you have overtime today?

Him: Nope.

SHE INTERJECTS!: They called him when I first got on & he turned it down!

Me laughing: Ok. My night is pretty boring. Kids, homework, they're in bed by 7:30.

Him: Cool. Thanks for telling me about the kids today.

Hmmmm. Will he get his nerve?

Thoughts???

Rainbows

Being a total booknerd makes me a huge fan of rainbow bookshelves :)

For Casey: It's Ice Dance :)

Happy Is...

...Waking up to an absolute downpour and realizing that you don't actually have to leave the house.

...Starting a new book and realizing early on that it is as good as you hoped it would be.

...The smell of fresh coffee brewing and blueberry muffins baking.

...3 little girls playing together for hours and hearing happy voices & squeals rather than fighting.

...Beginning a run feeling half dead & sore, then after a bit realizing nothing hurts and I feel like I can keep going forever.

...getting that perfect shot with my camera.

...Watching new ice dancing routines and finding one that I immediately need to You Tube because I love it so much.

...A fresh snowfall late at night beneath a pink sky.

...The sound, smell and heat of any beach.

...Thinking back to being a teenager and how I loved going to my library & sitting on the floor at the end of a basement aisle. I'd sit there reading (as many others do) and if I looked up I saw a wall three floors deep of just books surrounding me. Happy is knowing that I could go recreate the comfort of that memory any day of the week.

...Shoes. Especially red ones. Or comfy boots.

...A hot drink after braving the cold.

...Remembering the Blueberries & Creme Frappaccinos that Starbucks made for one brief summer!

...Making a huge family dinner and then listening to the kids banter on.

...Vanilla anything and vanilla everything.

...Facebook because it has reconnected me with truly everyone I had lost track of over the years.

...All the little things that many people, myself included, take for granted.

...Having three healthy girls.

...Knowing the value of true connections and friendships.

...Knowing my own worth and refusing to settle.

...Returning to school :)

...Crawling into my bed alone at the end of the day and feeling at peace with myself and my decisions.

~ Every Friday Spriteskeeper posts a topic to "spin". This week it's about happiness.

Fleeting Thoughts

My kids are sick with the same creeping crud that every other kid in B's first grade class seems to have. Cough, sore throat, sinus headache. The weather isn't helping here at all. 20 degrees one day, 52 degrees today. It might be rain it might be black ice, who knows?! But they felt like crap today & I suspect they'll be home tomorrow. I figure its better to give them tomorrow rather than send them to school only to be called halfway thru about fevers. They missed my best friends' sons' (got that?) birthday pool party today. I was bummed for them & bummed for myself because I wanted to go.

That's another thing, the birthday parties! There have been SIX in the last 2.5 weeks of January!! WTH?? I told the girls we had to pick & choose. 6 is a bit much don't you think?

Another BFF has reconnected with her firstlove. I mean, they dated at 15 and haven't seen each other in 20 years. Until last night when he was at her house to reconnect & yes, there were sparks! Thank Facebook.

I am trying to stop replaying the crushdriver stuff in my head. Trying. I'm supposed to see him Tuesday so... we'll see what happens.

I have to play Homeroom mom twice in the next 2 weeks. On the hundreth day of school there is always a big celebration. B needs a 100 of something project done & then I'm in her class half the day to help out. Also in there on the 5th because it's Miss Ruby day. I need to come up with a Valentine's Day craft to do with them. I'm thinking I'm going to do cupcakes for them. A tower of cupcakes but all decorated differently for Happy Heart Day. The project has me stumped though. I guess I need to go wander around Michael's until it clicks.

B's artwork today:

The Story

Whelp. After the last post I got tons of emails wanting details of crushdriver. How did I meet him, etc. So let's just go back a few years...

J & I were trying to work out a truly shitty marriage & it was just not gonna happen. He had just switched jobs & bounced to yet another car dealership. Car guys don't stay in one spot very long, something I always hated. Anyway, he had switched jobs & didn't have his demo cat (freebie) yet.He was using mine to drive 45 minutes to work. This went on for a week & I had kids to get to school. I had chosen to send them to a school about a mile & a half from our house. There were 3 schools closer but this one was the best in the city so I had requested & been granted the boundary exception in. He could drop the kids before work in the morning & a friend was getting our oldest at 2:30. That left me to figure out the 11am pick up. I had a prek & kindergartner at that point & both went half days. It was winter of course so walking them was not an option at all. Especially on this particularly frigid week. I have a real thing about not liking to ask for help so I looked at the bus schedule. As luck would have it, if I got one a block from my house at 10:30 I could transfer to another at 10:45 & be dropped AT the school for 10:55. Then if I ran the kids 3 blocks we could grab that bus again at 11:15 back into town, get another at 11:25 and be home by 11:35. One fucking CRAZY hour for me but I was thrilled because it WORKED. It was doable! With no serious waiting in the cold. First day went easily. I got the second bus, was greeted by a smiley guy and was dropped at the school. Grabbed my kids, booked it down the hill and made it with a few minutes to spare. Bus comes, smiley driver opens door then gets out of his seat & reaches out a hand to Bri to help her up onto the bus. "Oh my goodness look at the cool tights!" says he. I think, he has kids. "Your not paying." he tells me & tells me to sit. Second day, repeat the scenario, I go to get off by the school but as I'm walking up the aisle I realize he hasn't opened the door, "Is it easier if I just wait at the end of the next block for you?" I thanked him but of course said no. I appreciated the offer a ton but I knew we'd make it & I didn't want anyone else waiting because of me. Down the hill the kids & I go, he again grabs B's hand & refuses to let me pay. Looking back I realize B was itty bitty & I think her backpack looked bigger than her. We sit & he starts to talk, to my girls- about me. "Mommy loves the color red, doesn't she? (I had a red coat on & red shoes)" Emmy chimes in, "Yeah! And hearts and blueberry muffins!" All the way into town THEY had a discussion with HIM about what an amazing mommy I am. Day three was weather hell. Freezing rain with every parent bitching because school should have been cancelled. I got on in town & handed him a coffee, he wouldn't let me pay. The girls & I SLID all the way back to the bus. It was so bad the three of us finally started laughing. Em slid sideways, fell & took B & I out as well. It was so bad it was hilarious. On this day he literally picked B up with one arm, Em with the other & sat them down. I think this was the day that I remember walking off the bus & seriously thinking, "There he is. That's HIM."

Ridiculous given that neither of us was available & I couldn't imagine him NOT being happily married.

After that week I actually rain into him once in awhile. When June rolled around I saw him enough to feel comfortable inviting his girls (the same ages as mine which is why he knew how to talk to mine) to my kids birthday party. He was by then known as "Crushdriver" & my sister referred to him as my future boyfriend. J & I split a few weeks after the kids party & I just stayed busy. I went months without seeing crushdriver, close to a year actually & then one day he popped up. I was trying to figure out a household project & I KNEW he would have advice because he is really into home repairs. He volunteered to finish it for me which was exactly what I wanted to hear. I wasn't positive of his status & figured he was just being nice. We had obvious blaring chemistry but I also believed if this guy had a wife, he was loyal. We scheduled a time that ended up being cancelled because his marriage did crash right before it. It was bad, ugly and I felt bad for him. I met him for coffee a few times & he just looked sad. He was done with her but wanted it to work because of the kids. He was really fighting to keep it together & I really, really respected him. He is a good person that at that point was trying to do things for the right reasons. I saw him one morning & as I always do, asked how his girls are. He looked down & told me that he would have to be there to know. He was now living at his brothers. I felt so bad for him. My standard, everything falls apart & nothing lasts was silenced because I wanted it to work, for his sake. I felt bad for opening Pandora's Box & gave him my number again. He already had it because of the home repair thing, but I figured since I opened a can of worms the least I could do was listen if he needed it. And he did. I got the late night,m before bed calls. I gave him real advice, not the advice of a woman that is interested & sees THIS as an OPPORTUNITY. I told him, if she needs space give it, she might miss you then. If you feel like it's not fully over then don't give up yet. I also told him to pull his balls from her purse & if she wanted him gone great but DO NOT spend time with the kids, make dinner, clean the house and THEN leave. Let her learn NOT to be able to depend on your help if she wants to be alone.

Man did I ever walk the line. I saw the good in him, heard what went wrong & watched him fight to fix it without intruding though I really could have. I was his friend when it made me jealous. When I didn't want to hear it anymore. When I wanted to be selfish. Above it all I really wanted him to be happy. We had a strong emotional connection by this time. I told him about my ex. He knew my horror story top to bottom. I could tell him anything & it was ok & vice versa. I could curl up next to him on my couch beneath a blanket & we were connected in feeling like everything around us was shitty and at least we had each other. Nothing had to happen. No one knew how much I saw him. I downplayed it completely, once or twice. No one needed to know at all. We were & still are gut level connected. You rarely find that in life & when you do it doesn't go away. At one point he told me that he was torn because he wanted the family to work but then he had this beautiful, amazing person in front of him... and I went, oh no. I was in the way. He wasn't clear yet and now I was a complication. It was a short time later that I strongly suggested he really give it another try with wifey. Do everything you can so that if you fail you KNOW you did everything & will not regret not trying harder. That was about a week before Xmas in 2008. He went back to her & worked at it I guess. I steered clear for probably 2 months. He knew Emmy had been sick but at the start of the year things got really bad. I saw him one day in Feb & we both stopped dead in front of each other. We had made it a rule never to be too close when in public out of respect for his wife. A lot of his work friends had wives that were friends with her & neither of us wanted a passing observation at a dinner table to cause upset. As it was, complete strangers on more than one occasion commented on our chemistry. It's palpable & hard to hide even when trying. But on this day there was a big hug in front of his coworkers. I told him about Em & her upcoming surgery. He told me his remission for cancer had ended & he was back in treatment. It was a comforting, OMG I needed to see you kind of thing & them it was over. I called him the night before Em's 2nd surgery because I just needed to talk. He returned my call, from his house with her at home. It wasn't working very well between them & I apologized for even picking up the phone & bothering him. He reassured me that it was no bother & that we were going to talk in spite of his wife being pissed. In spite of her picking up the phone 3 times. And he didn't hold back from telling me how much he adored me & how amazing I was. That I would be ok & so would Emmy. A month later his doctor was kicking around the idea of a liver transplant. My response was to quietly, privately contact the donor contact at his hospital to get info on what being a donor would entail. To this day it is in his file that when & if he is added to the transplant wait list the initial round of blood work lab slips gets sent to me to determine if I'm a match. I've never told him this nor do I see any reason to. My thinking was & still is that his girls need their father. They have an excellent one & if he needs a bit of help in remaining in their lives I would gladly do it provided my family is stable & steady.

He has been my true example of chemistry & connection. I figured if his marriage was fixable then at the very least he gave me the gift of knowing what I'm capable of feeling. That really is a gift because ultimately it'll help me not to settle ever again. At least not for very long. I was stuck though & we talked one day in early May & I told him. I dumped my feelings out there & told him that I was having a hard time moving past my feelings for him so I kind of felt like I had to give them back to him. So I told him everything I felt and basically put it in my lap. He was living with her so of course I was not open to anything or entertaining possibilities I just needed not to carry it around. That worked. I was able to really move beyond it all & things with Patrick from that point on went well because I wasn't stuck any more. I ran into him again in early August & we made a coffee date. I figured it was safe. I thought he was with her, Patrick & I were solid so it'd be ok. We were friends. He stood me up. Friends don't do that & I wrote him off that day. 2 weeks later my doorbell rang & it was him. Apologizing for standing me up. He claimed he put one of his dogs down that day, a claim I believed because I could see the sadness in his eyes as he told me. He then was afraid to make contact because he felt like an ass for blowing me off. I guess it took a lot of balls to come to my door & I forgave him. He came back the next night unannounced & I had to launch him because Patrick was inside. He returned a few days later catching me as I was heading to work. I later found out that he was finally single & was trying to figure out if I was without disrupting anything good I might have going on. My reactions to him were that of a good friend. One that is no longer available though.

Then came last month. He appeared as Patrick & I came to a disastrous halt. Do I have a plan? No. Am I angling for anything? No. I am very content by myself. I have learned to love my space & in the last several weeks I've been able to reclaim that love. I'm in no rush to have any man invading my life. But crushdriver... maybe we are inching towards a time when, the timing would no longer be bad.

Take This Sinking Boat And Point It Home

Jersey Fish

B got fish that she named Sparkle & Spockle. We've decided they are Jersey fish. You know, "My new shirt has spockles all ova it."

That Chemistry Lesson I Promised

Once upon a time ago I met a guy. About 2 years ago to be exact. We were both tangled in crappy marriages, with daughters the same age and so a fast friendship was formed. He's not at all my "type" if I have one. It was all about chemistry. It was just there by the dumptruck load. We could discuss something serious & veer off into a weird playful banter then hop back to the serious without skipping a beat. I became single. He split with his wife awhile later. I had no idea that they had problems at the time but I suspected because he just wasn't happy. He'd light up while talking to me, light up while talking about his kids but the light didn't stay lit. Something was missing or at least way off. So when he split with her we began talking a lot. It has always been very easy, the conversation. We can tell each other anything & it's ok. You don't get that with many people. We were tight. We hooked up a bit but I saw something unresolved in him & basically sent him packing back to her. Or at least to work out the hurt & get over the hump of divorce. I didn't want to be a distraction & I felt like I was. We kept in touch a bit. When my Emmy got sick last year & needed surgery, I called him. I can remember being on the phone with him the night before she went in just bawling. And that was ok. He was the only one that was going to get that from me. Everyone else, I felt like they needed me to say, "Oh she'll be fine. Her doctor is amazing & we need to get to the bottom of things." so that's what I said. But with him it was different. He understood me, understood the fear & panic and was just amazing. Him saying it would be ok & that even if it wasn't the advances in medicine would make it ok, I believed it a bit more. He was failing at working things out for the sake of the kids as I met Patrick. Kind, steady, solid Patrick. So good to the girls & I. He had my back, I thought. He was good to me & offered me what I needed at the time. Were there sparks? Looking back I'd say no. Not like there should be. We were sweet & in sync but sparks? No. I was bored. I realize it now & friends have reminded me of things I was saying around Thanksgiving. I was getting antsy & a split would have happened anyway even if he hadn't morphed into an incompetent, clueless, couch dweller. No chemistry = no relationship eventually. As Patrick & I died I actually started running into HIM again, purely by chance. Coincidence? I don't know. There were a few conversations heading into the holidays. The first time he saw me he stopped dead, deer in headlites. Now everytime it's the same reaction. Deer in headlites, voice drips with emotion as he says, "Hi!, How are you???" and then the banter begins as if it never stopped. Serious stuff. I'm single. He is single. Our kids are all good. No, I never CALLED you stupid, I asked YOU how stupid you are & no that is not the same thing as calling you stupid. It is the same thing and you still need a spanking I see. Banter. Banter. Cross the line. Walk on the line. Interrupt it with something serious.

Then came yesterday. He almost hit me. With his bus because yes, he drives one for like a million hours a week. (County jobs pay well here) Truth be told, I was very sneaky. A conversation had to happen, I felt & I saw him an hour earlier driving. I came home & LOOKED at that runs schedule. It's only a block from my house so it seemed as good a time as any for a run, right? Right. Timed it perfect. Perfect.

I'm approaching a corner as he is making the turn. He stops dead & door flies open. "Hi! wanna go for a ride?" I jump on to see that he is completely alone. I sit as he is still in the middle of the road not moving just staring at me.

Sparks.

Flying.

OMG I forgot what the sparks were like. I told you spending time with a dee dee dee has killed brain cells.

We hit the usual, I'm fine, he is fine kids are all fine, he's learning to cook I'm going back to school.

Sparks.

He parks in front of a playground/community center as they always do for a few minutes before turning around & heading back into town. He turns around & says, "You drive me fucking crazy you know that? I didn't want to make any mistakes. I needed to figure out things with (wifey) I needed to know I tried everything there. I needed to not jump to anyone else until my head was on straight. I need to be a good person. I want to be a good person and so I've done nothing but work & play with kids & bide my time to get over everything. You & I have...something very real & I didn't want to mess either of us up before and I didn't want to ruin anything that could be great because I was too...stupid or something. But you have been in my head constantly. I do nothing because I'm afraid of screwing it up."

HOLD UP. He did do something. On three occassions within the same week last August he was at my door. He did try & I was with Patrick

Okay back to him..."I see you & it all goes out the window. I just am so afraid of disappointing you that it's made me sit on my hands. I don't know what I'm doing but I keep bidding on (work) runs near your house & I'm always watching for you, hoping."

Sparks.

At this point he stands up and motions for me to get up. I'm combination of relieved, happy, dumbfounded and whateverelse. I go to hug him, grab him & he just lets out a deep, relieved sigh. I heard & felt his as I did the same.

Sparks.

Major sparks.

He kisses me. Power sparks. My ass was literally PICKED UP & CARRIED to the back of the bus where I was plopped on his lap. Major sparks ensued.

Get your mind out of the gutter people I'm not a bus slut. Kind of.

But it was pretty damn hot and my apologies to the poor little old ladies waiting for him in town. He was running about 15 minutes late.

True story.

Hotness

I'm too tired to write tonite but tomorrow we'll have a lesson in chemistry because today was very...hot.

Fist Pump

Am I the only one that can't stand Sammi Sweetheart??

It's The Itty Bitty things

That have made my day an itty bitty bit better than ok. Like the run in 35 degree weather that did NOT kill me or cause me to catch pneumonia on the spot. The Burpee catalog that landed in my mailbox. The Lemon Lush cupcakes that I baked. The cuddle time with B where she curled up beside me big eyed, crunching her popcorn explaining a not so new episode of iCarly to me. In detail. This guy never gets old:



Gotta go, it's Ugly Betty time.

The Grass Is Never Greener

A friend wrote a post tonite that made me think, we are rarely ever where we think we want to be. Things always seem like they'd be better if only we were... over there somewhere, doing something different. Me? I'd like to be here training:


Or I'd like to be on that beach in Cabo. I'd like to spend a weekend in a castle in Banff. I'd like to open that little coffeehouse/bookstore a decade ago when I had a chance. Anywhere but here. Here symbolizes stuck even though I'm constantly moving, growing, changing. I look around me and no one is doing much better. I spent an hour on the phone tonite with a friend that I've known since we were 12. She is independent, makes good money and has had a parade of men land in her lap recently. The childhood sweetheart came back. The hot guy from high school too. She has so much good and is heading for the bridge because her 5 year old is having serious problems at school. Another friend is struggling thru the end of medical school while raising two sons alone. She is almost there and is depleted of everything- money, energy, everything. My best friend has everything she could hope for. everything. She has the perfect kids, the beyond amazing hubby, the gorgeous house, the pile of friends. Everybody loves her and some days she is just flattened. She lost both of her parents and misses them gut level bad on a daily basis. Patrick has landed a good paying job, has a monthly government pension coming in, can do as he pleases/come and go as he pleases and is so friggin tight fisted that he makes himself sick with stress. I actually just listened to him say things like "Do you think cataract removal surgery is worth the expense?" I was dumbfounded. Then when I found words I was seriously yelling at him for putting a fucking pricetag on VISION. How can seeing cost too much? Fucking moron I swear at this point I think little good. He then went on to complain about his electric bill with the PUC (??) rate on it...I interrupted him to tell him he is the only one I know of that bitches and thinks they shouldn't have baked that one lasagna because it increased their bill! The cheapskate that has everything current & paid on time with money to spare actually thinks he has it rough.

One of the many reasons why I am single.

So here I sit tonite. My house is quiet aside from Southland playing in the background. My kids are healthy & asleep. I have never once been called by the school for a behavioral issue. No one is sick or needing to see the specialists that last year demanded. I spoke with my mother yesterday. I can still do that, if I so choose. I know what matters and the value of things like vision. I also know that every single one of us has the same expenses in order to actually live a somewhat functional life & that bitching about it is a waste of energy.

Today, my biggest gripe is a missed opportunity for a conversation that needs to happen. I realize that the other person has been needing reassurance from me before tipping their hand & I didn't realize it until walking away from them a few weeks back. It's one of those people that you have a real, instant connection with so when things need to be said, they really need to be said. I'm not sure exactly how to reach him but as of now part of me won't rest until it happens. I think there might be an opportunity on Thursday. I hope.

I'm also not sleeping well. Series of nitemares about a little girl last night. I woke from the first one knowing she was supposed to be me. She reappeared twice more last night and it wasn't just one dragged out dream. I woke from the first on the couch & went to bed. Woke from the second & got up to shake it off. My alarm went off this morning & I fell back to sleep only to wake from another dream with her in it.

So those are my real things tonite. I envy anyone that can sleep & that can simply pick up the phone & call & talk to a loved one.

Brain Dump

So much is bouncing in my head I feel like my brain is scrambled eggs. We have somehow surrived a three day weekend with not too many fights. Shocked? Me too. I think the biggest smackdown came last night shortly after Emmy lost her front tooth. She went to show Maya the lovely gap & screaming ensued. She says I look like a hillbilly now!! In other words Maya got Emmy for every nasty comment she made over the last three days, with spades.

I was impressed though. The Tooth Fairy stole the tooth, glittered Em's pillow, left the cash and was out well before midnite. In other words, the dumbass didn't fall asleep on the couch, wake & stagger up to bed completely forgetting to do her job.

Yay me.



Ralphie the Elf has returned. If you were anywhere near my house over the holidays you know that my kids 100% believed in the power of The Elf on The Shelf ("Ralphie"). He moved and they went into hysterics every time. (So I had a LOT of fun screwing with their little heads) A month later, B still misses Ralphie so much that I told her we'd text Santa and ask about borrowing him. Of course he has no magic now, but maybe she could have a visit. That chat went down three days ago & today she was crying over the Elf so I dug him out of the box in the basement & put him on her bed. She wandered upstairs about an hour later & OMG she was bonkers, jumping up & down laughing. It just occured to me that she hid him because right now, I have no idea where he is.

C is doing ok. We had an infection scare last night & she still is running a fever but her doc says she is ok. No vision, but holding her own & beginning to heal. I talked to my mother & told her about deciding to return to school. I was kind of surprised because she is not a fan of returning to school yet she thought it was a good idea.

Wait, hold up. I might have made a good decision by her standards? No way.

I'm shocked & quite frankly I'm not sure how to wrap my head around her half assed support...BUT...it's more than I usually get, so I'll take it.

Various things:

~ Why are there FIVE birthday parties within the next two weeks?? And why do the girls actually think we'll attend each one?

~ I'm thinking my migraine has now simply become very permanent.

~ I really want to spend a week in Cabo probably alone. Okay, maybe just a weekend.

~ I had a single mother piss me the hell off today. She was complaining because her ex barely pays child support, meaning the amount he had been ordered is too little by her standards. Then it's always late (blame his employer not him for that)... She was whining about being a single mom and how hard it is. First of all, I rarely play the single mother card because I believe I should be able to handle my responsibilities myself. That said, I have not SEEN or had ANY hope of a child support payment in a year & a half. It isn't going to magically appear any time soon. I am a single mother in EVERY sense of the word. It is just me. To watch the kids. To do school runs, afterschool activies, playdates. To help with homework times three. To work two jobs because if I don't THEY are not going to have... everything. Single to me means you are the only one, period. That's me. It's just me.

Bridgetisms

...Bridget explaining how her pants slide down a bit too much while running..."It's a good thing there was no paparazzis' around! They would have got a real good picture of my butt & then EVERYONE would have seen it!"

Hello, Cupcake

Hello Cupcake is probably the best cupcake book I have ever seen. Coolest stuff ever. So why is it that there are no recipes for Lemon Lush cupcakes? Wait, I take that back, of course the cupcake reciepes exist but the decorating ideas are nonexistent.

Now I Just Need A Snooki Pouf!

I spent the last two weeks debating whether or not to cut my hair. I like it long & I like it chin length. I hate everything in between. Round faces & basketball heads are not made for medium length hair. I want it long but it takes forever it seems so I debated cutting it to make my life easier. I hacked about 8 inches off of it last summer & have been growing it ever since. Today it was in my way a lot. Today it's static on top of rainy day hair. I realized the actual problem in not really a problem at all. It has grown & it is now just past my shoulders. It's in the way because it is long enough to be past the crappy lengths. It hasn't been in my way in about 8 months so I kind of forgot about that.

No cutting it now. For now.

Into The Pink

Flight Attendants used to wear pink <3







Don't try THIS the next time you fly either!

Shaki

Love this song.

Woke Up In The Morning Feeling Like P Shitty

Kiki called earlier this morning. C was seen by her surgeon and can come home today. Kiki suspected C was getting frusterated last night (before taking her meds which knocked her out) and thought ahead. C hasn't had a shower since Thursday and can't for a few more days so while in the mall Kiki grabbed her new PINK VS sweats so that she had something soft & comfy. C woke this morning to reality. She can't see to match clothes, can't do her hair, make up nothing & it'll be this way for a long time. Kiki reassured her that she would help and somehow made her laugh but reality is, this is going to be beyond bad for her. It's her first real test in life. First shot to prove to herself her own strength. In the meantime we need to figure out how the hell to help her from becoming extremely depressed. And bored nonstop.

I'm just restless. No idea how to help except that reality is, she will need help with everything. So there will be a lot of extra stuff to do here for awhile.

And The Phone Rang Again...

...And C is finally out of surgery after a few hours. They said it was a huge tear, but they managed to reattatch it. They also put some sort of band around her eye to prevent it from tearing again while healing. They warned her it's going to really hurt because of the band. Prognosis is yet unknown. Hoping for the best still. She will not be able to see at all for 4-6 weeks, that much we know for sure. I cannot even begin to imagine it. Also her doc has been in touch with my mom. He treated C & operated on her as a baby. He has been her only Opthamologist for 20 years. He feels terrible that he didn't do the surgery & that he isn't with the family in Philly. So bad that he asked my mom where everyone is staying (what hotel etc.) then went ahead and got them the "most comfortable accomodations" his secretary could find today, on him. No one has slept since crawling out of bed yesterday thinking it'd be a normal day. Kiki went to work yesterday only to be called home & then SHE drove my parents & C to Philly. She has really been on duty and the big cheerleader. She was taking my parents to the hotel & then escaping for awhile. She made a comment about Franklin Mills Mall because she has been in the same sweats sice going to work at the gym yesterday. I hope to god she is walking those huge hallways of that mall right now. Kiki needs therapy of some kind. I in the meantime need to think really hard because Kiki & I will have to figure out how to keep C entertained. I'm open to suggestions.

Dress Down Day 4 Pretzels 4 Haiti

One day a month our school has a dress down day. The kids can wear whatever they want if they pay $1. A buck to wear their own clothes? I know but it goes directly into the school's funding so it benefits the kids directly. Yesterday a note came home saying today would be dress down day & to send $2 because this time the whole district was doing it to benefit Haiti. On the way to school this morning I was explaining Haiti in general to Emmy & B. I told them about how they had no homes, food, water, etc & how people from all over were helping. So B says, "But how can we send them food if we have no oven?". I told her about how they were recieving food that can be consummed without cooking. Em chimes in, "Like pretzels?!". I was like, "Yeah kind of, like pretzels!" Lots of pretzels for Haiti.

Gotta Live Like We're Dyin'

Emmy is in the living room flipping thru music channels & that song is on. It is extremely true right now. My youngest sister is a visual artist, has been since she was itty bitty. She also works as a music critic for a few indie websites. Her free time is spent reading everything she can get her hands on. She works at a video store and fully utilizes the perk of getting new releases the week before we can rent them. Everything is visual. It's always been kind of ironic because as a baby C had a cataract removed and was left with Glaucoma in one eye. Basically they keep her eye pressure down in the bad eye & focus everything on bolstering her good eye. I relate to this because my right eye is crap & they've always focused on my great left one. So much so that my right lense is not a script. I don't need a contact for that eye because there's not much point. Do I see well? Of course. This is all I've ever known & I'm sure if you gave me great vision in both eyes I would be in shock. But I know day to day, I see fine. So does C. At least up until yesterday. She went to work with her GOOD eye hurting a bit, starting seeing floaters & spots. By 5pm she was at the doctors (the one who has treated her since babyhood) being diagnosed with a severe retinal tear. They wouldn't touch it & sent her immediately to Will's Eye Institute in Philly for emergency surgery. She got there late last night, went thru various testing & labs & was scheduled for early surgery. That was bumped because they need to keep the pressure in both of her eyes down so that was/is the first task. I'm being kept in the loop by my sister Kiki who is checking in every few hours. We know nothing. She was taken back but we don't know if they have finally done the surgery. There is no prognosis at all. It's severe and as of now she can't see out of that eye, her GOOD one. Both eyes combined she needs help just getting around because she can't see. If they can repair it she may regain some of her vision, if they can't then she won't. We've sat in 24 hours of OMG limbo here & there's nothing we can do. I cannot even imagine how scared C is. She is a wreck & playing tough. She is dreading recovery alone because even in the best case she is looking at needing her eye patched for weeks. That means precious little vision. I can't even imagine. 2 days ago she was in her own happy 20 year old world. Now it has all radically changed without warning.

I'm A Sad Panda, According to ColorGenics

Much of the time you are preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature. You need stimulation and variation with all matters pertaining to your life. You want to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality being able to charm and influence others. You use powerful strategies with predictable outcomes so as to avoid endangering your chances of success or undermining other people's confidence in you.

You are in need of rest, some peace and quiet. You feel the need to be close to that someone special, that someone who can give you that special consideration and unquestioning affection that you seek. If you don't find that 'special someone' and resolve your problems very soon, you are liable to become extremely introverted and cut yourself off from society.

You feel truly deprived - not getting your fair share, but you have accepted the fact that that is the way things are at this time and that it is prudent to let matters slide and not hit your head against the wall -so conform and agree for a while. Accept the situation - nothing can last forever.

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.

Whatever you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong and you are now quite convinced that there is little point of formulating new objectives and it is this belief that has resulted in the stress and anxiety. You would like to be able to communicate with other people who think as you do. At this time there seems to be no-one on the horizon nor is there any prospect of meeting anyone in the immediate future. But it must be said that you are really a 'trier' and indications are that you will, as indeed you have in the past, 'bounce back'.

My Cat Hates Me.

How do I know this? Because at MIDNITE he scrunched himself into the entertainment center & then onto my digital cable box (got that visual??). He then proceeded to PISS directly ON the box killing it completely. Peed right on the motor & everything else inside of it because with all the little holes I could SEE it was saturated on the inside! The thing died on the spot. I then spent 45 minutes trying to get Comcast on the phone. No, back up, I had them on the phone, I was on hold. Every time I was kicked to a real person that real person would pick up & immediately hang up! At the 45 minute mark I had a real guy on the other end. He CLAIMS Comcast will be out by noon with a new reciever for me. I don't have much hope in that though. The last time I had a service call the guy showed up 3 hours late and made an excuse as to why he couldn't do his job. The real reason was that he was CLEARLY DRUNK & didn't want to climb the pole in the DARK while intoxicated. And yes I suggested to him that if he had been on time he'd be less drunk & working in daylight. I then reported him to Comcast and was given (WOOPDEEDOOOO) 3 free On Demand movies & a 20 dollar credit for my aggravation.

So cat piss & Comcast. Seems to make sense actually. Maybe Coco was sharing his opinion of Comcast with me.

Thank You FAFSA

Paperwork has been processed & I'm eligible for a hefty Pell Grant :) Haven't even touched on what else is available in funding but I do know that as of right now I can do two semesters this year for FREE.

FREE.

And So It's Done

My day was in large amounts devoted to school choices. It looks like I'll be starting in APRIL :) My FAFSA should actually pay most of it. I *should* be able to successfully test out of several courses & if I do that then I can have my BS in Criminal Justice in under THREE years. I don't know exactly how I'm going to pull it off but I will. The curriculum, half of it is stuff that I'd read out of pure interest so I can not wait to get started. Here's a glimpse.

BUS1010 Business Law
This course combines the understanding of legal theory with an acquaintance of the various forms of contracts. Students are taught the essentials of the legal environment of business, tort law, contracts, commercial transactions, government regulations, and property.
4
BUS1050 Business Math
This course provides students with a basic understanding of mathematics concepts and methods applied to business situations. Topics covered include banking, markups and markdowns, trade and cash discounts, payroll, simple and compound interest, and promissory notes, and the discount process. The course also covers annuities, installment buying and charge credit cards, home ownership expenses, interpreting financial reports, and depreciation.
Prerequisite: Passing score on entrance assessment or MAT0950.
4
CJ1000 Introduction to Criminal Justice
The goal of this introductory course is to explore the past, present and future operations of the criminal justice system. This course will examine the myths as well as current information about the criminal justice system. The course is designed to assist students in determining whether to pursue a career within the field of criminal justice.
4
CJ1100 Introduction to Corrections
This course focuses on historical and contemporary views of offender management and treatment, and includes a comprehensive examination of the U.S. correctional system. Special focus is placed on theories of punishment and rehabilitation, and community-based corrections. The course examines the operation and administration of correctional facilities, prison life, and contemporary debates concerning the role of corrections in society.
4
CJ1210 Juvenile Justice
This course provides an introduction to juvenile justice theory and practice. This includes an examination of programs and institutions including the juvenile court process, intake services, rehabilitation and preventative programs.
Prerequisite: CJ1000.
4
CJ1300 Criminology
The course provides an overview of the nature, cause, extent and theories of crime. This course will review and describe the various theories and implications of criminal acts in relation to behavior discipline, causative and scientific aspects.
Prerequisite: CJ1000.
4
CJ1500 Introduction to Law Enforcement
This course provides an overview of policing and its evolution throughout modern history. Students will explore organizational and managerial concepts used to organize and operate police departments as well as the latest techniques being used by police departments to combat crime.
Prerequisite: CJ1000.
4
CJ2050 Legal Research and Writing
This course is designed to present the components of legal research and writing techniques covering case citations, use of indices, case law, interpretation of statutes, and the various forms of legal composition.
Prerequisites: CJ1000, CJ1300, BUS1010.
4
CJ2220 Criminal Investigations
This course covers basic investigative techniques, the taking of witness statements and interviews, and report writing. The role of advancing technologies used for investigation is explored, with emphasis on the use of forensic science in reconstructing an event. A review of police procedure is also covered.
Prerequisite: CJ1000.
4
CJ2250 Criminal Justice Ethics
This course introduces students to ethical decision making in the criminal justice system. Students will apply philosophical principles and theories to various segments of the criminal justice system including police, courts and corrections.
Prerequisite: CJ1000.
4
CJ2350 Introduction to Criminal Courts
This course examines the development, functions and controversies in the American court system. Students will gain perspectives on various aspects of the judicial process including bail, plea bargaining, punishment and the appeals process.
Prerequisite: CJ1000.
4
CJ2400 Criminal Law and Procedure
This course explores substantive criminal law, including crime and its elements, developments, and trends in this area. Procedural aspects of criminal law, including court jurisdiction, tactics, and methods used in investigation and pertinent ethical considerations are discussed. Emphasis is placed on the constitutional aspects of criminal law.
Prerequisite: CJ1000.
4
CJ2450 Cybercrime
This course introduces students to computer crime and the techniques used to investigate and prevent computer crimes. Students will learn the extent of computer crimes and study the problems, trends and future issues facing those who investigate cybercrimes.
Prerequisite: CJ1000.
4
CJ2500 Criminal Justice Forensics
This course addresses procedures, techniques and applications of forensics that are being used by criminal investigators. Students will learn how to identify, collect, preserve and analyze evidence through the use of forensic techniques.
Prerequisites: CJ1000, CJ2220, BUS1050.
4
CJ3000 Criminal Justice Policy Research Methods
This course is designed to introduce the student to the methods of criminal justice research. Topics include research designs, issues of survey and interview research, validity and reliability, and the use of secondary data.
Prerequisites: CJ1000, CJ1300, MAT3010.
4
CJ3100 History of Criminal Justice
This course is designed to present the major social, economic, legal and political events which have created the American criminal justice system with emphasis on the development of policing, courts, and corrections.
Prerequisites: CJ1000, CJ1300.
4
CJ3300 Interview and Interrogation Techniques
This course is designed to familiarize the student with the kinesics technique of obtaining verbal statements and reducing those verbal statements to the proper style to be submitted as evidence in a court of law. The course focuses on the interaction involved in the face to face interview, knowledge of behavior reactions; development of an awareness of likely responses to the behavior of the interviewer.
Prerequisites: CJ1000, CJ1300.
4
CJ3400 Criminal Justice Applied Statistics
This course is designed to present criminal justice statistics, hypotheses and theories, research and related problems, and ways and means of evaluating the effectiveness of criminal justice activities.
Prerequisite: MAT3010.
4
CJ3500 Drugs, Alcohol and Crime
This course is designed to present the history, pharmacology, health consequences, and crime-related aspects of mind-affecting drugs and alcohol with emphasis on the effects on criminal behavior, the legal response to the problem, and on treatment and prevention of abuse.
Prerequisites: CJ1000, CJ1300.
4
CJ4010 Homeland Security and Terrorism
This course is designed to present the causes and controversy of terrorism, including definitions and terms, the evolution of terrorism, and the types of terrorism from domestic to international. The course also presents issues in Homeland Security, focusing on the development of the concept, the protection of civil liberties, the bureaucracy of managing Homeland Security, and the role of the media.
Prerequisites: CJ1000, CJ1300.
4
CJ4100 Community Policing
This course focuses on community policing in regard to police responsibility and working relationships with the community, churches, schools, civic organizations, youth and juvenile population, and community minority groups.
Prerequisites: CJ1000, CJ1300.
4
CJ4200 Probation and Parole
This course is designed to present the history and purposes of probation and parole. The impact of probation and parole on crime and crime control are discussed. The various forms and mechanisms of probation and parole are presented.
Prerequisites: CJ1000, CJ1100, CJ1300.
4
CJ4300 Courts and Social Policy
This course is designed to present the role the courts pursue in determining social policy as it relates to criminology. Emphasis is directed toward the political and social inputs that influence judicial decision making and the role of democracy and punishment in the courts.
Prerequisites: CJ1000, CJ1300, CJ2350.
4
CJ4500 Advanced Criminal Justice Forensics
This course presents the process of analysis of forensic evidence and developments in crime scene techniques. This course is designed to train and prepare participants to become skilled in the recognition, discovery, processing, preservation, collection, and transmission of physical evidence found at the scene of the crime. Course includes photography, sketching, fingerprinting, marking, chain of custody, collection methods, sources of physical evidence, transmission to the laboratory, and testifying in court.
Prerequisites: CHM3050, CJ1000, CJ1300, MAT3010.
4
INT4100 Criminal Justice Internship
This course is designed to give students nearing graduation actual criminal justice experience. The student will be placed with an agency for a quarter, working a minimum of 160 hours. The experience can be used for job experience in the hiring process and there is a strong chance that the internship can lead to employment with the placement agency.
Prerequisite: To be taken during the final quarter of instruction.
4
or
CJ4900 Comparative Criminal Justice Systems
This course is designed to present an overview of selected world criminal justice systems including police, courts, and corrections. Cross-national and cross-cultural criminality from several perspectives will be examined.
Prerequisites: CJ1000, CJ1300.
4
MGT2000 Management
This course provides valuable information for students who will be entering business as employees and who eventually may have the opportunity to manage a business for others. Also, students who may eventually own and operate their own business will benefit greatly from this course. The material is presented to aid students in learning the appropriate terminology used in business and the many activities involved in the successful operation of a business.
4
MGT2150 Group Dynamics
This course introduces students to the psychology of groups, normal and developmental growth, development of leadership styles, and assessment of group change. Preparing for group meetings is essential in all organizations today, while participating in group meetings establishes employees as team players.
4
General Education Courses
What are general education courses? Gen Ed courses fall outside the program's core curriculum but provide valuable, applicable skills and knowledge.
CHM1150 Chemistry
This course presents the basic concepts of general chemistry including atomic and molecular structure, chemical reactions, and stoichiometry. Students will learn from lectures and laboratory experiences.
4
COM1050 Composition I
This course focuses on helping students develop writing, researching, and critical thinking skills through writing paragraphs and essays using different rhetorical styles. Students also gain experience with peer reviewing. Students are required to earn a grade of C or higher to satisfy the requirements of this course.
Prerequisite: Passing score on entrance assessment or COM0900.
4
COM2060 Composition II
This course builds on skills learned in Composition I and further develops writing, researching, and critical thinking skills with a focus on writing and reading academic essays. The course culminates in a well-reasoned research paper.
Prerequisites: COM1050 and KEY1010 or passing score of TEAS and acceptance into the Associate Degree in Nursing program.
4
COM3150 Advanced Composition
This is a writing course designed to engage the student in a more advanced exploration of the writing process. Students will continue to develop their writing skills through the reading of a variety of rhetoric selections and the writing of more complex essays. Emphasis is placed on expanding the knowledge of the research process and improving the ability to evaluate and integrate various kinds of research in the writing of an APA Style research paper.
Prerequisite: COM1050.
4
HUM3050 Introduction to Humanities
This interdisciplinary course examines the many ways that human creativity manifests itself in the areas of the visual arts, literature, philosophy, history, music, architecture and technology. In this course, students will gain a broad understanding of Western cultural history.
Prerequisite: COM1050.
4
MAT2950 Introductory Algebra
This course is the study of real numbers and variables. Topics studied include operations involving real numbers and algebraic expressions, solving linear equations and inequalities, the Cartesian coordinate system, graphs of linear equations and inequalities, simplifying rational expressions and exponents, factoring and radicals.
Prerequisite: BUS1050 or PHM1100.
4
MAT3010 College Algebra
This course is an in-depth study of the traditional topics of college algebra. These topics include solving linear and quadratic equations and inequalities, graphs of equations and inequalities, operations involving polynomials and rational expressions, exponents, radicals, and an introduction to exponential and logarithmic functions.
Prerequisite: Passing score on placement assessment or MAT2950.
4
POL3100 American Government
This course is an introduction to the structure of the American government at the national level. It emphasizes the institutions of American government and the actions of politicians as they try to control public policies that affect our lives.
4
PSY1060 Psychology
This course provides students with a basic understanding of what psychology is, its relationship to the life sciences, and how behaviors affect our everyday lives. Emphasis is placed on developmental psychology and the problems that face us in regard to the relationships and mental and physical dilemmas they may pose. Topics such as stress, altered states of consciousness, aging, conflict, and types of therapies will be presented.
4
PSY3000 Critical Thinking & Problem Solving
This course is designed to develop students’ basic skills of logical reasoning relative to problem solving and related argument analysis. Learning to provide evidence and well-reasoned support for asserted solutions and/or positions within frameworks of clarity, depth, precision, relevance, and fairness are central to the course.
Prerequisites: COM1000, COM1050 or COM1040.
4
SCI3050 Environmental Science
This course is an introduction to environmental science that includes energy principles, relationships of organisms in ecosystems, and human impacts.
4
SOC1010 Introduction to Sociology
This course examines the basic concepts and terminology, research, theories, and facts associated with the understanding of human interrelations within various cultures, individual organizations, and distinct social groups. Through the scientific study of human behavior focused around the major sociological paradigms, human interactions within social institutions will be explored, including family, religion, economics, politics, government, medicine, as well as additional social groupings. Utilizing the sociological perspective, analysis will include stratification and institutional inequality, deviance, and other environmental dynamics. Numerous contemporary social issues will be discussed such as sexism, racism, class bias, and general inequality.
4
SOC3250 Introduction to Ethnic Studies
This course is designed to survey the field and problems of Ethnic Studies as an area of knowledge and investigation. The instruction is to be interdisciplinary in nature and focus on the communications aspect of ethnic relations. Major considerations of the entire Ethnic Studies field will be defined and analyzed.
4
SPC1010 Presentation Skills
This course provides students with the basic skills necessary to organize their thoughts and communicate effectively through public speaking. Students learn to research, organize, and properly convey oral messages. Through practical classroom application, students gain sound experience in the art of oral presentation. Students are required to earn a grade of C or higher to satisfy the requirements of this course. Students earning a grade of C- or below will be required to repeat the course.
4
Foundation Courses
What are foundation courses? These courses provide a foundation to your program and are often required by the field in which you’ll work.
CD2600 Career Development
This course provides information and resources important for anyone’s career development. It uses guest presenters and mock interviews, in addition to individual consultations, to provide career guidance. The class starts by having the students perform a self-assessment of their interests and values while at the same time, focusing on their professional goals. It emphasizes the importance of understanding how to create a successful resume no matter where a person is in their career path. In addition, it highlights how to apply a variety of other job search documents and execute follow-up. Instructors illustrate traditional and nontraditional methods of job searching to include some of the latest online resources. A significant element of this course is training students to have great interviewing skills. Additional time is spent researching employers, exploring employment opportunities available in the area, and setting up interviews with prospective employers. Toward the end of this course, students also learn value of teamwork and being successful in their career. By applying these techniques and suggestions in this course, students are able to approach their career exploration and job search with a more confident and winning attitude. This course is scheduled during the final or next to last quarter of the program.
2
CPU1000 Computers and Office Automation
This course provides students with a basic understanding of computing fundamentals including hardware, software, Internet concepts, and file management. This course also provides hands-on experience with basic word processing, spreadsheet and presentation applications. This course provides students with the necessary foundation for further study in desktop applications, and to apply these skills in advanced courses requiring electronic processing.
Prerequisite/Co-Requisite: KEY1010.
4
CPU2120 Word Processing
This course prepares students for an in-depth study of word processing techniques. Students completing this course are able to perform word processing functions ranging from document editing and formatting to graphics and web design. The class is structured to provide students with hands-on opportunities to practice and apply their skills.
Prerequisite: CPU1000 or ITS1000.
4
KEY1010 Keyboarding I
This course teaches students the fundamentals of keyboarding, including correct finger positions, machine operation, and correct posture. An introduction is made to the word processing program.
2
PSY1050 Strategies for Success
This course is designed to enhance the college learning experience and prepare students for personal and professional success. Concepts presented include managing change, setting and achieving goals, and thinking in ways to create success. This course also incorporates assessments that will increase one’s self-awareness, and improve the student’s interpersonal and intrapersonal skills.
4
Total Credit Hours 180

Brace for Impact

I'm more than a little interested when it comes to airline safety. Always have been. A plane goes down and I can be glued to MSNBC for hours. Tonite TLC is premiering Brace for Impact a special covering last years' emergency landing on the Hudson River. Guess what I'll be doing at 9pm.

I Love How Facebook Feeds My Inner Green-Eyed Monster

I stumbled onto someone this morning on FB that I haven't seen in years. Haven't had a conversation in years. Back when I knew her it was a love/hate thing. She was so bubbly you couldn't help but like her and she was THAT mom. You know, the one with the great hubby, a great house, a few kids. Always happy to the point of making me sick. Now was some of it fake? I'm sure. But as I juggled my ONE (at that point) baby I wanted to be like that. Like HER. What did she have going for her, to get to that point that I didn't have? What was IT? She's demanding as hell & settles for nothing...less than. Was that the key? I was never sure but she pushed my buttons for sure.

Years later I stumbled onto her and she looks much the same. Everything looks still near perfect only better because now she has the great job & bigger kids that are actually (it seems) doing well & coming into their own.

For more than a moment I sat here wondering, why isn't that my life? What did I do SO VERY wrong? How did I choose so badly at times & not see it? She's a couple years older than me, 3 or 4 I think. Not by much. How did I end up here?

As I type that it clicks in my head, because I'm always in fix-it mode, that in 4 years I could be OUT of school and sitting in a totally different career earning more. Life changes so quickly that I can't even begin to imagine who or what life will bring me this year let alone in a few more. I need to be HER or what she represents. I have suffered & struggled & scrambled enough here. I need to really focus this year on rebuilding financially & setting out some solid goals for the next few years. That much I can control. I can do something about it. I can pick my much needed path & commit to it once and for all. Last year was about stabilizing the kids and getting everyone healthy. This year I need to work on providing more and securing all of our futures.

As for HER. I know I have a lot of what she does personality-wise. I'm the bubbly one that is always surrounded. My phone rings constantly (it was kinda nice when I first changed my number because I gave the new one out gradually so for a week or so it was SILENT!), I make friends quickly & with most everyone. Always a bunch of invites to pick & choose from. I'm as busy as I want to be quite honestly. If I'm being honest with myself then it's not as bad as it feels when I think back to those days when I felt like I was less. I've learned so much since then. I think SHE has had it all come easily & has had stuff handed to her, that's how she has become demanding. I on the other hand have had to work for everything, have had to learn how to put on the cheerful face when my world was collapsing, have HAD to support four people on my own. At least I know everything that I have in my favor has been earned and my personal worth has been hard won.

But still...

Easier would have been nicer.

Just once.

How Many Times Over How Many Hours Can I Reheat The Same Cup of Coffee Before The Milk In It Goes Bad?

I Know What You're Thinking. I loved the other layout too but it took FOREVER to load for me. I'm guessing everyone had that problem & well, I don't like problems. But I do like this layout too :)

I'd almost be happy if Myspace would let me export my entire blog over to here. It would be nice to have everything together. Seems for now I have to "export" myself.

I'm tired. This week has completely kicked my ass and I'm not sure why. I got up yesterday morning swearing that I'd be going to bed early. How bad is that?? And I did go to bed early. I slept from 9 until 6 and woke to the ringing phone. We got a bit of snow so the kids are on a 90 minute delay. I feel better, but still beat. Or is it lazy? Don't know.

I'm having issues here. Patrick pushed to have dinner yesterday so I agreed. Truth be told I needed assistance with some stuff & I figured I'd pick his brain & see if it is still filled with dee dee dees rather than common sense. It is, still full of dee dee dees. I came to the crashing conclusion that if he magically corrected every thing he has single handedly fucked up it wouldn't make a bit of a difference. My feelings are not coming back. I had this absolute, definite ephiphany while driving to dinner when stopped at a light in a different vehicle was a man that I have true, real gut level chemistry & a connection with. My reaction? I wanted to switch cars & felt miserable because I couldn't. I was with the wrong person, period. Couldn't be any more clear. And the other guy? He is not actually the issue in my head, the issue in my head is MY reaction to seeing him. My need for a conversation that keeps me amused & entertained. My need for sparks & to be caught off guard. All of these things have been lacking in a huge way. Patrick was very, very kind and at that point very good to me, so good that I'd have been stupid to cut the cord. Once he settled in & got too comfy it became VERY apparent that the conversation left me bored. Bored is not good. I'll entertain you but I need to be entertained in return. I need to be kept on my toes. I said to my friend that I feel like my brain cells have died in the last several months. And I do.

Spam. Such A Lovely Gift!

Sometimes I think I should draft a doozy of a letter & send it out randomly just to see who actually would respond & what they'd say. This was in my inbox from...probably a 39 year old dude that never leaves his house.

hello
I am Gift by name a quiet and sincer girl. ideals and my love. I love honesty and truth. I trust people very much. I love music especially classical. I love various cultures theri traditions , music and food: especially oriental cultures. I like nature quiet walks in the parks holding hands listening to the whispering breeze and the songs of the birds; admiring the smiling eyes of my lover. I hope to meet my true love: I will give him all myself completely,please conatct me dirrectly to my email.(gift24samba@yahoo.com).
i am looking forward to hear from you then i will send my pictures to you.
Gift

Wow. Just, wow.