The Story

Whelp. After the last post I got tons of emails wanting details of crushdriver. How did I meet him, etc. So let's just go back a few years...

J & I were trying to work out a truly shitty marriage & it was just not gonna happen. He had just switched jobs & bounced to yet another car dealership. Car guys don't stay in one spot very long, something I always hated. Anyway, he had switched jobs & didn't have his demo cat (freebie) yet.He was using mine to drive 45 minutes to work. This went on for a week & I had kids to get to school. I had chosen to send them to a school about a mile & a half from our house. There were 3 schools closer but this one was the best in the city so I had requested & been granted the boundary exception in. He could drop the kids before work in the morning & a friend was getting our oldest at 2:30. That left me to figure out the 11am pick up. I had a prek & kindergartner at that point & both went half days. It was winter of course so walking them was not an option at all. Especially on this particularly frigid week. I have a real thing about not liking to ask for help so I looked at the bus schedule. As luck would have it, if I got one a block from my house at 10:30 I could transfer to another at 10:45 & be dropped AT the school for 10:55. Then if I ran the kids 3 blocks we could grab that bus again at 11:15 back into town, get another at 11:25 and be home by 11:35. One fucking CRAZY hour for me but I was thrilled because it WORKED. It was doable! With no serious waiting in the cold. First day went easily. I got the second bus, was greeted by a smiley guy and was dropped at the school. Grabbed my kids, booked it down the hill and made it with a few minutes to spare. Bus comes, smiley driver opens door then gets out of his seat & reaches out a hand to Bri to help her up onto the bus. "Oh my goodness look at the cool tights!" says he. I think, he has kids. "Your not paying." he tells me & tells me to sit. Second day, repeat the scenario, I go to get off by the school but as I'm walking up the aisle I realize he hasn't opened the door, "Is it easier if I just wait at the end of the next block for you?" I thanked him but of course said no. I appreciated the offer a ton but I knew we'd make it & I didn't want anyone else waiting because of me. Down the hill the kids & I go, he again grabs B's hand & refuses to let me pay. Looking back I realize B was itty bitty & I think her backpack looked bigger than her. We sit & he starts to talk, to my girls- about me. "Mommy loves the color red, doesn't she? (I had a red coat on & red shoes)" Emmy chimes in, "Yeah! And hearts and blueberry muffins!" All the way into town THEY had a discussion with HIM about what an amazing mommy I am. Day three was weather hell. Freezing rain with every parent bitching because school should have been cancelled. I got on in town & handed him a coffee, he wouldn't let me pay. The girls & I SLID all the way back to the bus. It was so bad the three of us finally started laughing. Em slid sideways, fell & took B & I out as well. It was so bad it was hilarious. On this day he literally picked B up with one arm, Em with the other & sat them down. I think this was the day that I remember walking off the bus & seriously thinking, "There he is. That's HIM."

Ridiculous given that neither of us was available & I couldn't imagine him NOT being happily married.

After that week I actually rain into him once in awhile. When June rolled around I saw him enough to feel comfortable inviting his girls (the same ages as mine which is why he knew how to talk to mine) to my kids birthday party. He was by then known as "Crushdriver" & my sister referred to him as my future boyfriend. J & I split a few weeks after the kids party & I just stayed busy. I went months without seeing crushdriver, close to a year actually & then one day he popped up. I was trying to figure out a household project & I KNEW he would have advice because he is really into home repairs. He volunteered to finish it for me which was exactly what I wanted to hear. I wasn't positive of his status & figured he was just being nice. We had obvious blaring chemistry but I also believed if this guy had a wife, he was loyal. We scheduled a time that ended up being cancelled because his marriage did crash right before it. It was bad, ugly and I felt bad for him. I met him for coffee a few times & he just looked sad. He was done with her but wanted it to work because of the kids. He was really fighting to keep it together & I really, really respected him. He is a good person that at that point was trying to do things for the right reasons. I saw him one morning & as I always do, asked how his girls are. He looked down & told me that he would have to be there to know. He was now living at his brothers. I felt so bad for him. My standard, everything falls apart & nothing lasts was silenced because I wanted it to work, for his sake. I felt bad for opening Pandora's Box & gave him my number again. He already had it because of the home repair thing, but I figured since I opened a can of worms the least I could do was listen if he needed it. And he did. I got the late night,m before bed calls. I gave him real advice, not the advice of a woman that is interested & sees THIS as an OPPORTUNITY. I told him, if she needs space give it, she might miss you then. If you feel like it's not fully over then don't give up yet. I also told him to pull his balls from her purse & if she wanted him gone great but DO NOT spend time with the kids, make dinner, clean the house and THEN leave. Let her learn NOT to be able to depend on your help if she wants to be alone.

Man did I ever walk the line. I saw the good in him, heard what went wrong & watched him fight to fix it without intruding though I really could have. I was his friend when it made me jealous. When I didn't want to hear it anymore. When I wanted to be selfish. Above it all I really wanted him to be happy. We had a strong emotional connection by this time. I told him about my ex. He knew my horror story top to bottom. I could tell him anything & it was ok & vice versa. I could curl up next to him on my couch beneath a blanket & we were connected in feeling like everything around us was shitty and at least we had each other. Nothing had to happen. No one knew how much I saw him. I downplayed it completely, once or twice. No one needed to know at all. We were & still are gut level connected. You rarely find that in life & when you do it doesn't go away. At one point he told me that he was torn because he wanted the family to work but then he had this beautiful, amazing person in front of him... and I went, oh no. I was in the way. He wasn't clear yet and now I was a complication. It was a short time later that I strongly suggested he really give it another try with wifey. Do everything you can so that if you fail you KNOW you did everything & will not regret not trying harder. That was about a week before Xmas in 2008. He went back to her & worked at it I guess. I steered clear for probably 2 months. He knew Emmy had been sick but at the start of the year things got really bad. I saw him one day in Feb & we both stopped dead in front of each other. We had made it a rule never to be too close when in public out of respect for his wife. A lot of his work friends had wives that were friends with her & neither of us wanted a passing observation at a dinner table to cause upset. As it was, complete strangers on more than one occasion commented on our chemistry. It's palpable & hard to hide even when trying. But on this day there was a big hug in front of his coworkers. I told him about Em & her upcoming surgery. He told me his remission for cancer had ended & he was back in treatment. It was a comforting, OMG I needed to see you kind of thing & them it was over. I called him the night before Em's 2nd surgery because I just needed to talk. He returned my call, from his house with her at home. It wasn't working very well between them & I apologized for even picking up the phone & bothering him. He reassured me that it was no bother & that we were going to talk in spite of his wife being pissed. In spite of her picking up the phone 3 times. And he didn't hold back from telling me how much he adored me & how amazing I was. That I would be ok & so would Emmy. A month later his doctor was kicking around the idea of a liver transplant. My response was to quietly, privately contact the donor contact at his hospital to get info on what being a donor would entail. To this day it is in his file that when & if he is added to the transplant wait list the initial round of blood work lab slips gets sent to me to determine if I'm a match. I've never told him this nor do I see any reason to. My thinking was & still is that his girls need their father. They have an excellent one & if he needs a bit of help in remaining in their lives I would gladly do it provided my family is stable & steady.

He has been my true example of chemistry & connection. I figured if his marriage was fixable then at the very least he gave me the gift of knowing what I'm capable of feeling. That really is a gift because ultimately it'll help me not to settle ever again. At least not for very long. I was stuck though & we talked one day in early May & I told him. I dumped my feelings out there & told him that I was having a hard time moving past my feelings for him so I kind of felt like I had to give them back to him. So I told him everything I felt and basically put it in my lap. He was living with her so of course I was not open to anything or entertaining possibilities I just needed not to carry it around. That worked. I was able to really move beyond it all & things with Patrick from that point on went well because I wasn't stuck any more. I ran into him again in early August & we made a coffee date. I figured it was safe. I thought he was with her, Patrick & I were solid so it'd be ok. We were friends. He stood me up. Friends don't do that & I wrote him off that day. 2 weeks later my doorbell rang & it was him. Apologizing for standing me up. He claimed he put one of his dogs down that day, a claim I believed because I could see the sadness in his eyes as he told me. He then was afraid to make contact because he felt like an ass for blowing me off. I guess it took a lot of balls to come to my door & I forgave him. He came back the next night unannounced & I had to launch him because Patrick was inside. He returned a few days later catching me as I was heading to work. I later found out that he was finally single & was trying to figure out if I was without disrupting anything good I might have going on. My reactions to him were that of a good friend. One that is no longer available though.

Then came last month. He appeared as Patrick & I came to a disastrous halt. Do I have a plan? No. Am I angling for anything? No. I am very content by myself. I have learned to love my space & in the last several weeks I've been able to reclaim that love. I'm in no rush to have any man invading my life. But crushdriver... maybe we are inching towards a time when, the timing would no longer be bad.