It's Finally THAT Time of Year!

Worlds start this week :)  Frankly, I mostly care about ice dance and while mostly caring about ice dance I mostly care about Pechelat & Bourzat.  They had their first practice over the weekend.

It's supposedly a potentially big year for the American team. They have an excellent shot at winning & there is all kinds of hype with them and... I could care less. Personally, not a fan.  Have never been able to warm to them. Frenchies all the way.

One More Oldie from 2005

For Sale Free to good any home...

2 toddlers all accessories & diva necessities included. If you live out of state I'll throw in their father & 3 cats as extra incentive.

I didn't do any yoga yet today. I didn't go for a run early this morning. Yet I somehow managed to pull an ASS muscle. Shut up, it's not that funny.

Moments that have made me quite literally think, "What the fcuk?!" today...

Catching Bridget on all 4's, face down drinking from the cats water dish.
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Emmy hitting on not one but TWO guys in their early twenties. "Hi, I'm Em-A-Wee what's your name??"
Dude 1:"Hi Emily, I'm Brandon & this is Matt!"

Em:"Nice to meet ya is that your car?"

Dude 2: "Yep(laughing) it is Emily."

Em: "Ohhhhh, COOL! I like shinies!"

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Some bald, hot although short 25 year oldish guy that tried to pick me up...as I juggled all 3 kids this morning. "Hi, wow are your hands full! You don't look like you've had any kids at all you're so tiny...blah blah blah..."

As Em melted down over the M&M's I refused to buy 5 minutes earlier. I looked at this dude who was a good decade younger than me in complete disbelief. Like as if I woke from a deep sleep & found him snorting a line of coke off my stomach or something. Who are you & why aren't you running like hell in the other direction???? Don't you HEAR these kids??? Ack.

It Is Hilarious, 5 Years Later!!

Sometimes old blog posts are better than anything I could conjur up now!  Enjoy...


This rant brought to you by the letter B and the number 6

 

September 13th, 2005

Custom Friends Groups:

 

...In other words, it's not just a Calgon moment but a Calgon day.

One of those where you look at your kids and wonder how the hell they even got here. How common sense didn't rule after the first night of colic with the first kid.

Em is in more of a screaming phase than normal. The normal amount of screaming I'm quite sure has killed some nearby animals. She starts this bloodcurdling screech (As Aimee has heard) and the paint starts to fall from walls or something. It is just so god awful bad. The whole shitfit will be completely unintelligible because the screech is so bad it cancels out words. A tape of her would do wonders at Gitmo, I'm telling you.

So she is worse this week. In the time it took to type this so far there have been 3 screeches from her. Talking is useless. Yelling is useless. I'm trying not to respond & that seems useless. She's also shredding things. Paper. Magazines. She took the top off B's cup & handed it to her. I found B beneath the kitchen table splashing & rolling in milk. Yes. Milk. Truly making up for the twoness she never really embraced I guess.

Meanwhile B is two & well aware. She tidal waved the bathroom awhile ago by trying to flush not one but TWO entire roles of Charmin down the toilet. 1.5 of those roles went down. Maya ever so casually alerted me to this by saying, "Um mom, you have to see Bridget in the bathroom".

3 inches of water, flooded hallway carpet, etc...

Grocery store. i thought that'd be okayish. They are always angelic in public. Or "fake" as we call it. Not today. Smackdown in the cracker aisle. Maya wanted cheese nips & Em wanted Teddy Grahams so I said compromise. Bam. Down on the floor slamming each other. I could not believe it. Could. Not. meanwhile B is trying to throw herself out of the cart while saying, "I'll help you Ah-Me!(Emmy)"

Gave them very early baths in the last hour. As Em was in the tub B was downstairs ripping 400 mother trucking kiddie books off the shelves. As Bridget was in the tub Maya drew a mother trucking mural on my kitchen table & tried to say Em did it. Wood table, white crayon, little girls with google eyes & pig tails.

I. Don't. Fucking. Think. So.

Emmy can barely draw a circle because "It's boring."

If my head ever stops spinning I'm going to need aspirin or something stronger to offset the whiplash pain I'm telling you.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” - George Bernard Shaw

And just like that, I'm much better. CD & I hashed everything out yesterday. We are where we are & I'm not sure exactly what that means but I do know in the end, we're always ok. Finding that kind of relationship anywhere is rare so I'm grateful.

I THINK we got the house. Waiting for owner to do their end of a contract so that it can be submitted. That SHOULD happen today.  Do I have any real reason to think it won't? No not really. I'm just afraid to get to excited just yet because then I'll be crushed. So I'm cautiously optomistic.

GroundHogDay?

Let's hope not.  I felt terrible for feeling terrible yesterday. Ironically, it wasn't just me. I had 3 other women volunteer to me that they felt like crying for absolutely no reason. Maybe there was something in the air? By last nite I felt like an ass for being so miserable. By 6am I was near tears because I had to get out of bed. Seriously, this funk needs to go.

Maybe it's that I turn 40 in a few weeks & I'm not exactly where I envisioned myself. I could counter that with the fact that I'm doing MUCH better than most single mothers that I know and if this is what 40 looks like then I should be pretty happy. I'm not one to be affected by my age either. I LOVED turning 30. Was so happy to be out of my 20's.  I wouldn't go back even if I could. As for my age, I still look much younger anyway.  I spent 4 months training for Tough Mudder so I'm in really good shape too. Nothing about me screams 40's so I don't think that's really playing on me.

There was a funny moment about a week ago though. B washed her face with my facewash & Emmy freaked out.

"Bridgetttt!!! Don't use mom's soap! If it makes her crinkles go away it will probably give the crinkles to youuuuu!"

That's my Em. Beauty expert in training. My almost 9 year old has more nail polish and lip gloss than I do.

Even when playing softball, the nails are DONE.

Speaking of softball, I'm waiting for a call from the coaches. In a few weeks I'll be seeing a lot of this:

It Is, What It Is- My Mood, That Is

Shitty.

That is how I feel. Emotionally just shitty.  And before anyone starts with the list of good things I'll beat you to the punch & do it myself:

-  M had her eye surgery & it went EXTREMELY well. Her doc was able to anchor the back wall of her eye so it didn't crumble like the other eye. Start to finish it was easier on him and especially on her. She breezed thru, had a big plate of hospital chicken fingers & by 7pm was curled up with Emmy looking at a Justice clothing catalog- albeit patched eye- but still... it went well. Her pressure is up but we expect things to go much better & with less recovery time.

-  Em & B are fine. No one is sick. Grades are good. Friends are great.

-  Work is as good & as busy as I want it to be. My mood is affecting it for sure but it's fine. 

-  2nd bid is in on a great house.   It would be damn near perfect & that's all I'm saying for now for fear I jinx it.

-  CD & i have reconnected in the last month. Had some SERIOUS conversations & he has explained the hot & cold BS. I went from writing him off to respecting him more than I had before. He backed away from me in order to take care of a serious situation. He had done the right thing.

-  Mr. Vodka is still in the loop. Serious talk there too. To quote him, we are good for each other & can help each other. Very true.

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Good things, right?

I should be happy about the good & the potential extra good. I know this.

I know it.

I know it.

Instead, somewhere in the last week my normal independent, strong, self-sufficient, I'm-fine-ness went out the window.

I am still alone.

I get a kiss (or ambushed) and an "I love you." from CD every time I see him now. But nothing more.  He still isn't stepping outside that safe little box for very long.  And we have talked. Because we can really communicate. The connection is years worth of deep. He gets me. Sees thru the tough, capable front. Told me the other day that he sees the fragile little one that needs so much more than she ever admits too.

Bingo.

So now what?

I'm still alone.

Do I believe that he loves me? Yes. I've seen it, heard it, felt it long before he said it. Is he capable of giving me anything that I need?  We always end up in the same exact place & I swore I would not do this again. I swore it & yet, here I am.  He throws me nuggets with real feelings attached & so I hang on & he freezes.  CarrieAnn & I have talked about this a lot. I swear there is something wrong with me. I know better than to be tangled & yet here I am, again. Yesterday was not pretty. I ended up yelling at him, "Just once can you please follow thru on something & give me what I need? Just once can you think about someone other than yourself."

You know what I realized?  I am absolutely, positively sure that at that very moment I became his exwife. Wonder how many times he heard that from her.

And, continuing my truly out of character behavior I wanted to go back & somehow fix it! (<--moron)  Like I could somehow talk it into being ok & different. I didn't. He needs to sit with it himself. There was a lot of truth in my words & he knew it.

But here I am, still by myself. I am loved & cared for & understood & connected with.  But not fully.

So out of character for me. I don't want a man here all the time. I don't want to see anyone every day. I like having my bed to myself without getting elbowed, bounced around or snored onto the couch. I love calling the shots & I love my privacy. I love that it's just the girls & I.

But I need something. Damnit.

I have 3 weddings coming up. Friends that divorced after me that are remarrying seemingly good guys.  I'm happy for them. Then I think, what the fukc?  When is it my turn?  Why do I get the part-timers? The ones who have too much on their plate or loyalty is elsewhere or the lying married guy.

Mr. Vodka is great. Head to toe, inside & out everything I'd be looking for- but he is married to his job. I get fit in somewhere.

Is there not one single, available good guy left for me- only me?

Pathetic, no?  I am and I know it.  It is what it is.

Where Oh Where Have I Been?

Not here that's for sure.  I needed a break from many internet things & so for the month of Feb.- I took it.  It was kinda nice to drop off the radar & decompress a bit.  Playing catch up is a chore so I'll just do bullet points.

- Kids are great. Feb. meant two students of the month & one art award.

- Work is my current happy place.

-  Mr. DJ & I have become very good friends in RL. That's it, friends & I'm glad to call him that.

-  Mr. Vodka & I are... doing quite well & I'll leave it at that for now ;)

-  I'm back & this place needs to be dusted off & cleaned up! It's Parade Week for god sakes.

-  I still haven't decided if I'm a warlock or a winner yet.

IceMageddon

How are you guys? We have had lots of snow & then our sleet & ice started last night. This translates into snow day number deux!  It looks pretty, until you try and take two steps!

Perhaps the best frozen moment ever?

Think it's a good day for Titanic :)

{Images via We Love It}

Bon Jour

So last week I rediscovered the French team of Nathalie Pechalat & fabian Bourzat. I vaguely remember them from the Olympics last year, though I kinda liked them but I think I only saw half their performance. Stumbled onto them last week & fell in love. This past weekend they won the European Championships which is skaterese is huge. One step below World Championships which are about 6 weeks away. I wanted an interview but had no idea where to reach them. They train in MOSCOW. I found Nathalie last nite on FB & sent her a message. Within three hours she responded very favorably. Interview today.

Clincher. Patinage wants it. A frenchie mag that is TRILINGUAL. You are paid per page which amounts to a decent amount once you translate things in French, English & German.

Balance

Funny morning. In one work related email my integrity was questioned. In the next work related email my integrity was praised and a promotion was offered.  Life is funny like that.  Good & bad always go hand in hand, always cancel each other out.  There was a quote somewhere recently that went something like,

If things are going badly, don't worry they'll change.  If things are going great, don't worry they'll change.

Very true. It all keeps changing. January has been very good to me overall.  Kids have been good, work has been great, I'm bouncing back from pneumonia & the holidays & on track for that crazy Tough Mudder thing if I so choose to torture myself.  I've gained a new BGF (best guy friend) that makes me laugh like a kid & Mr. Vodka & I are definetly heating up.

I'm more content than I've been in years & for that I'm grateful.