For Sale Free to good any home...




2 toddlers all accessories & diva necessities included. If you live out of state I'll throw in their father & 3 cats as extra incentive.



I didn't do any yoga yet today. I didn't go for a run early this morning. Yet I somehow managed to pull an ASS muscle. Shut up, it's not that funny.



Moments that have made me quite literally think, "What the fcuk?!" today...



Catching Bridget on all 4's, face down drinking from the cats water dish.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emmy hitting on not one but TWO guys in their early twenties. "Hi, I'm Em-A-Wee what's your name??"

Dude 1:"Hi Emily, I'm Brandon & this is Matt!"



Em:"Nice to meet ya is that your car?"



Dude 2: "Yep(laughing) it is Emily."



Em: "Ohhhhh, COOL! I like shinies!"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some bald, hot although short 25 year oldish guy that tried to pick me up...as I juggled all 3 kids this morning. "Hi, wow are your hands full! You don't look like you've had any kids at all you're so tiny...blah blah blah..."



As Em melted down over the M&M's I refused to buy 5 minutes earlier. I looked at this dude who was a good decade younger than me in complete disbelief. Like as if I woke from a deep sleep & found him snorting a line of coke off my stomach or something. Who are you & why aren't you running like hell in the other direction???? Don't you HEAR these kids??? Ack.



And another thing. My hair will be gone tonite.

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09:32 am

Fuck. This is indeed the dreaded, maniacial, homi-suicidal, hormonal week. One month of meds didn't balance it out & one week back on them isn't enough to prevent the utter abyss that I feel like I'm in.



All I want to do this morning is scream, yell & throw things. Perhaps it's the fact that it's going to be 90 & is already humid. Perhaps it's the migraine that I've had for 48 hours straight. Perhaps it's the kids that seem to do nothing but fight- at least this week. Perhaps its the mother in law that will be moving here, living 5 minutes away as of today. Perhaps itas the assclown husband that is as stressed as I am that is now only working until 5pm rather than 9. He "thought" he told me & "thought" I had the sitter so that we could have a night out. Nada to both & the sitter is now working tonite. Perhaps its that I truly feel like if I hear one more high pitched screech from a child under 3 feet tall I think (if I'm lucky) I'll turn into a heap of salt. Perhaps it's the dumptruck load of cooking that I have to do for the massive party this weekend.



Damn this stupid body that appears to be solid & fit yet feels like it is failing me constantly. Damn the "You don't look like you've had ANY kids" comments when I feel decrepit enough to be a great-grandmother half the time. Damn the cancer that has infested this shell of a body for the better part of this year, compromising every single thing that I need to do every minute of the day. Damn the ablation & the WAY EARLY Menopause that is catapulted me into, making me feel like LESS of...a woman, a wife, a girl & more of an old lady. Damn the hormones that are truly so much bigger than me because I feel fucking crazy. Damn my father in law who thinks nothing of having John run in circles for him & then bad mouthes him the minute he leaves the hospital. Damn my mother who has not bothered to see her grandkids in 10 months despite living 30 minutes away. Most of all I'm damning myself for not being better. Feeling better. juggling better. Losingmyself & allowing myself to be lost once again.



I need a break. A day off, completely off. Silence. Comfort. Something.

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03:09 pm - This rant brought to you by the letter B & the number 6


...In other words, it's not just a Calgon moment but a Calgon day.



One of those where you look at your kids and wonder how the hell they even got here. How common sense didn't rule after the first night of colic with the first kid.



Em is in more of a screaming phase than normal. The normal amount of screaming I'm quite sure has killed some nearby animals. She starts this bloodcurdling screech (As Aimee has heard) and the paint starts to fall from walls or something. It is just so god awful bad. The whole shitfit will be completely unintelligible because the screech is so bad it cancels out words. A tape of her would do wonders at Gitmo, I'm telling you.



So she is worse this week. In the time it took to type this so far there have been 3 screeches from her. Talking is useless. Yelling is useless. I'm trying not to respond & that seems useless. She's also shredding things. Paper. Magazines. She took the top off B's cup & handed it to her. I found B beneath the kitchen table splashing & rolling in milk. Yes. Milk. Truly making up for the twoness she never really embraced I guess.



Meanwhile B is two & well aware. She tidal waved the bathroom awhile ago by trying to flush not one but TWO entire roles of Charmin down the toilet. 1.5 of those roles went down. Maya ever so casually alerted me to this by saying, "Um mom, you have to see Bridget in the bathroom".



3 inches of water, flooded hallway carpet, etc...



Grocery store. i thought that's be okayish. They are always angelic in public. Or "fake" as we call it. Not today. Smackdown in the cracker aisle. Maya wanted cheese nips & Em wanted Teddy Grahams so I said compromise. Bam. Down on the floor slamming each other. I could not believe it. Could. Not. meanwhile B is trying to throw herself out of the cart while saying, "I'll help you Ah-Me!(Emmy)"



Gave them very early baths in the last hour. As Em was in the tub B was downstairs ripping 400 mother trucking kiddie books off the shelves. As Bridget was in the tub Maya drew a mother trucking mural on my kitchen table & tried to say Em did it. Wood table, white crayon, little girls with google eyes & pig tails.



I. Don't. Fucking. Think. So.



Emmy can barely draw a circle because "It's boring."



If my head ever stops spinning I'm going to need aspirin or something stronger to offset the whiplash pain I'm telling you.



I'm sitting here thinking not only should i have gone thru with the divorce last year, but I should have given John custody. Not that I think life would be better because in my sane(ish, calm(ish) moments it's very good- but hell i'd be much calmer.



And did I mention that it's 94 fucking humid degrees on this mid-September day? And that Ella keeps unplugging my a/c?

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09:30 am

This is where my week turns into complete chaos. There are 60 people coming on Sunday. Sixty. I don't know where I'm going to put everyone. Or how I'll feed everyone. John is grilling everything from chicken to steak to lobster tail. I'm in charge of salads & sides. And Maya's cake. And a load of Brownies because John never wants a birthday cake. I still need to grab some of Maya's gifts, decorations, etc.



Thursday the maggot permanently lands her broom here. Thursday we may venture into the city as well. Friday John has training all day in Philly. I canceled the sitter for Saturday because there is just no way we can go out & have everything done in time.



Make a list Tania & just breathe.



I had one of those dreaded moments this morning. It was before 7am & his cell rang. I was making coffee & the phone was on the kitchen counter. I looked at the caller id and didn't recognize the number. I never answer his cell & he never answers mine either. But my brain started running...Alyssa...Aomeone else...



Downward spiral.



All the while I KNEW there is nothing going on & no reason to be paranoid. Knew it. I know where he is & i know he is faithful. But still. It just doesn't go away. In a really twisted way this morning I realized that I'm glad that he has the same worries about me. I'm glad that he gets paranoid too. I'm glad I gave him those feelings because it's not just me at least. That sounds awful, I know but it feels better to have a very level playing field. It feels better to know that for every passing thought that i have about Alyssa, he has one about Andy.



Truly an evil wife moment. Also an honest one.

You know, I hate seeing the date 9-11. I just noticed it when I opened the entry box & it makes me feel sick.




Anyway, so far the weekend has been good here. Very good. Lots of work done. Lots of Yoga. Lots of good food. A new martini...french vanilla mocah coffee. It's Vanilla vodka, starbucks coffee liquer, Bailey's Irish Cream & chocolate syrup. Instant new favorite. I'm off to the art supply store later today to get stuff for the caricature. Now I'm excited & it has to be done by late tomorrow.



John's mother may be a huge help in dealing with his dad. Yes, I actually said that. She is proving to be excellent back up for him. His father is being sent to rehab for 6 weeks & the stubborn guy wants to skip it & go home to heal. He thought everyone will play visiting nurse again. Both John & his mother told him no way. We'll all help, run errands, make meals, etc. but he needs a NURSE. Period. I'm relieved to see them forming a united front there because it really is necessary.



So far today John is fine. I'm anticipating the 9-11 flashbacks at some point thought. It inevitably happens.



I haven't posted any of Maya's artwork in ages & shame on me because she just keeps getting better. This is her "Wizard of Oz" & don't you just LOVE the witch??





This one she did last night of our family. It's John, me, Bridget, Emmy, Maya & the three cats look like they're flying. I love the stripes on Pashie!

10:00 am


I realized I'm still "off". You know, the hormones from the ablation. One month of meds wasn't enough. I have no choice but to conclude that after watching my own head completely spin for the last 24 hours. Happy/Sad. Lovey-dovey/Ready to gauge out someones eye. Bad. Bad. Bad. My body still hasn't balanced out from all of the shit that it has gone thru. Within an hour I was fine then pissed as hell and I finally ended up somewhat okay. All because of the thoughts in my own head.



I can see good. I can see reasons to be upset. I feel guilty because last week I was the queen of gratitude for every little thing & truly nothing in my life has changed to shift that thinking. Well, not much anyway. It's just clear that I need stuff balanced out in order to cope. John's mother will be living minutes away in one week. His dad's prognosis...they aren't saying much but his sugar is worse & they are testing to see if a Malignancy caused his bones to be more brittle. The crowning moment of yesterday...John's sister is in the hospital too with a kidney infection. John picked up his dad's mail & checked voicemail while there & got her message. He deleted it halfway thru & doesn't even know what hospital she is in. MIL LOVED that this morning.



He's off for NYC in a few hours & next Friday (You know, his day off) he has training in Philly. Lots of MIA time coming up between work & his dad. The birthday bash is still on for next Sunday, minus his dad. Yeah. He's away Friday, works all day Saturday, party Sunday. I can't party shop with 3 kids in tow, especially the belated birthday girl.



Stressed much? I'm refilling my meds today, quite obviously.

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12:43 am

I had somehow forgotten how funny The Daily Show is...until tonite's monologue.



John relayed a story tonite. When we were out last weekend we ran into a guy he works with, sort of. This guy works in the dealership's bodyshop. Anyway, John went over to the shop today & the head specialist cornered him. Mike (the guy we saw) told him that John was "robbing the cradle with some hot little redhead that looked about 20ish" and this guy wanted details. And did John's wife have any clue he was messing around. John said he was dumbstruck for a minute before gloating that the little redhead was in fact his wife and that I wish I looked 20ish. He told me because he figured it'd make my day, then chased the comment with a "Note to self...keep Tania away from the bodyshop..." kind of thing.



Miss Squeezy B fell asleep on the loveseat tonite clutching Maya's Kim Possible doll. I ended up putting her to bed with it because although snoring, she wouldn't let go.



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03:42 pm


Ahhh. the mental funk has lifted. I've gotten tons done so far today. Ran the errands. House is as close to spotless as possible. Took Maya to & from school & the babies to the park. Weeded the garden & diced up a bunch of stuff to use in homemade sauce for Brushetta tonite. The dreaded wavepool, tidalwave, Tsounami bathtime times 3 is already over. And my office...is clean.



I've written not a damn thing but I'll have all night to get that out & done. A workout is in sight & I just feel better. A few of you have asked about John's b-day caricature. I haven't even started the real thing yet. Still fleshing out ideas but it needs to be done by Monday. Completely done but I'll get it together. I need to hit the art supply store tomorrow for sure & yes, I'll scan it when it's finished.



I'm really on the fence with my hair. Help me out guys since most of you have seen pics of it long & shorter. It's near shoulder length now after hacking it last spring. One hand...I want to grow it...Other hand I know chin length would feel really good again. I'm leaning sort of towards just razoring it a' la Nicole Ritchie. It's still bright red and the kids keep fighting over which cartoon character I most resemble. Not sure how it started exactly but Maya told me today that I look just like Kim Possible. Bridget said, "No, daddy says mommy wook wike Lasta (Elasta) Girl (from the Incredibles)" Needless to say, the diva disagreed with both of them. Em screeched,"No mommy's a princess like Ariel!"



They agree on the color of my hair at least.

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08:49 am


My FIl was in surgery for 5 hours last night as they put pins in his leg in 5 different places. John left before he was even out so he went to the hospital a few minutes ago to check in. This is going to be another longterm situation. They've said traction & then onto the same rehab center that he was in when he lost his foot 2 years ago. That place is truly horrid. Dismal at best. To say that things here are tense would be the mother of all understatements. I feel sick, the kind that manifests itself in the pit of your stomach & just sits there. I'm loaded with apprehension & fear. John is snapping completely. His response to extreme stress is anger so he's been going off constantly.



I'm walking the line here. Be supportive yet...He cannot let everything fall apart. 2 years ago when his dad was in bad shape he forgot he had a family of his own. He'd make 3 trips a day to take care of his dad & wondered why the dealership found a reason to cut him. His father is a stubborn & selfish fucker. He REFUSED to hire an inhome healthcare. refused. As john says his dad will be the wealthiest man in the cemetary. He was sent home to live alone in a two story house, unable to walk, climb stairs, etc. So John felt obligated to be there 3 times a day. His father seemed to EXPECT this of him, in spite of the fact that we had a 3 month old, 15 month old & a 3 year old. I was basically a single mother & he truly did NOTHINg to help us.



I know...things are radically different. He has morphed into the husband & father that I needed him to be. But I am scared that he's going to blow it. Truly I am. We barely spoke last night because every sentence that dropped from my mouth was seen as an attack. He stated that he cannot repeat the caretaking of last time & I agreed. Instead of that being seen as supportive it was turned into me telling him how to handle things.



What. The. Fuck.



There was no way that anything would be recieved decently because he was clearly NEEDING to be angry.



I said little else & avoided him until he was apologetic & then I still said nothing. There's so much that I wanted to say, like don't fuck this up this time. Set boundries NOW. In another week his mother, step-dad & Peyton will be moved out here (God help me then) & she can help. His sister & her boyfriend seem to think they can raise a child with no income so let them help since work isn't a priority.



All I've said this morning is that he needs to calm down & just find the balance. Can he?



My reality. in another 6 weeks I am back on the medical merry-g-round & I might need his help.



He said something about fearing I'll "abandon" him. He doesn't get that he bailed on me first 2 years ago. The ship was sinking & he didn't care then so I had to bail. I'm just praying the same scenario doesn't play out again.



Totally conflicted. Part of me feels bad because I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt here. He has made a zillion changes since then and I'm automatically assuming/fearing that he'll stumble. Another part of me doesn't even want to think about what "might" go wrong. That part wishes I signed the divorce papers because I'd be 16 months removed from the pain & drama of his family.



Selfish? Yes & that's ok. I need to be somewhere so that I can now plaster the grin to my face while repeating the "It's going to be fine..." mantra

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10:48 am


Something occured to me last night...it's not really Maya's birthday unless there is a medical crisis of sorts. Seriously. John's uncle died the one year. My FIL's foot amputation. 2 years ago Em came running at me with a DVD case & poked me in the eye with the sharp corner. Completely forgot all of that. Since my sleep deprived head is up my ass more often than not, we let Maya open a few small gifts on Sunday. Why? Because I kept thinking her birthday actually was on Sunday rather than Monday. So, we did a few gifts then & had a little cake on Monday. I didn't want it to go unacknowledged even though she knows her party is in 2 weeks. So she scored some stuff like puzzles & her art supplies, holding back her bigger gifts til her party. The sitter came on Sunday night & brought her a Kim Possible doll so she was quite happy. Yesterday John brought the kids over to his dads for a little while. They brought his birthday gifts, drawings, etc. while I took Bridget to the park. We cruised into last night without a problem. They had cake & were getting ready for bed when I hear a loud crack in the living room followed by Maya yelling. "Oh Bridget are you okay???"



I knew her head hit a table. Just knew it. Truly I expected the cracked skull & was stunned to pick her up & find no blood. Maya & em have both cracked their heads so I knew the sound & was making the mental ER list. Instead B has a massive goose egg over her eye. Not an ER run but a ped visit today to make sure she's seeing okay. I thought we got really lucky. The kids went to bed and B crashed on the couch so that I could watch her for awhile. John was upstairs reading and the power goes out for the second time in a week. Within about 20 minutes it was pitch dark. The plan had been to watch movies & neither of us felt like even sitting outside. we retreated to bed instead, until the phone rang. I ended up running downstairs to get it because the cordless wouldn't work. It's 9pm & on the phone is a neighbor of my FIL's. He was being put into an ambulance because he fell and broke his leg. In 4 places. At least it was his already comprimised leg, the one with no foot. But still. So John was out the door & I sat in deafening silence for another 2 hours until I at least had power again.



Needless to say his father was admitted. I have no idea how much of a mess this will turn into, but i know that it will.



Backing up to Sunday night...we decided to get really bad for you, artery clogging bar food. The place is run by a man-hating, very out bulldyke. She's comparable to the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld, and is referred to as "The Wing Nazi". Her food is fantastic, but the wait is insane. If I'm with John, the food comes a bit quicker because she likes me, but not much. So, food was taking forever as anticipated & I was starving so I had a brainstorm. I went over to the jukebox because ohmygod, there actually is one...and started purposely picking really bad music out. 12 songs and every other one was Kenny Rogers "Lady". The goal? To irritate her so that she'd get our food done just to get us out. John was in tears he was laughing so hard. The playlist was like...Lady...Ring My Bell...Lady...Baby Come Back...Lady...Fame...Lady...



Food. Came. Fast. Then.



Today, I'm buried beneath stuff as usual. Work deadlines. Errands. The pediatrician. I'm trying to bribe the babies with the promise of M&M's later.



One more thing...do any of you have an extra or unused VHS tapes to donate to the Burn Center unit of a hospital (You KNOW you have at least ONE!)? Seriously think about it. Fairly immobilized kids in considerable pain that really NEED distractions. Email me or leave me a note for more info on how to donate.

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08:27 am

Yesterday Miss MayaBelle turned 6. Wasn't it just yesterday that these were taken??







More like 5 plus years ago...









Time really does fly...



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Yesterday I went off on John. Bigtime. He was being pissy and finally I just snapped at him. okay more like I turned into a screaming, railing, shut-the-fuck-up-you-ingrate kind of nut. Not only did he apologize and shut up, but damn did it feel good. I realized how completely shut off from my feelings I've been for the last month. If I stayed like that I think I'd quickly become afraid of my own emotions. I'd be overwhelmed by them. I don't like feeling so lifeless so for that reason alone, halting the Prozac was a good move. Nothing ever phasing or moving me is no more "real" then being as completely hormonal as I was before. So, fingers crossed that I've leveled out by now.




John's not working today. Instead he dragged the smoker to work & is cooking for the masses. Yeah, they are paying him to cook, something he loves to do anyway. I gave him his new chef's jacket last night in case he wanted it for today. He told me he has always wanted a black one & was thrilled. I'll have to get pics of him in it.



I grabbed some stuff for Maya's birthday & already got it wrapped. I still need to pick up stuff for a small cake though.



I'm really on the fence with what to do tomorrow night. There's an Italian Festival going on near my parents which we usually go to. Then again, a normal night out at normal haunts has a lot of appeal. I haven't actually set foot in Barnes & Noble in nearly a month and that just isn't cool.

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September 2nd, 2005





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

01:28 pm

I'm really really glad Bush is conceeding that the tiny bit of help that the south has recieved is unacceptable. We were better equipped to help Tsounami relief half a world away.



Why is that?



On a selfish note...my cable is fixed and I'm off to pick up a few b-day prezzies for Maya. Date night has been flipped to Sunday night & we're having a just our immediate family party for Maya at some point over the weekend. Simple. Confetti cake. Small gifts. Balloons. Her party is in 2 weeks but I can't let the day go without acknowledging it.

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09:36 am


I'm really stunned at the footage coming from the Gulf coast. The only large scale tragedy that has affected me more was 9-11 & that was like a direct hit. It affected my family directly, we lost friends, my husband saw the towers come down before his eyes.



This is a close second. I cannot even begin to slightly comprehend what I'm seeing. I just cannot process it, cannot fathom it. The 10 year old that lost his entire family. The guy who listened to his wife tell him to take care of the kids before letting go. The woman whose husband of 50 years died at her feet on a stretch of highway. She sat interviewed with him covered in a blanket beside her. The police told her when the smell gets to bad she'll have to move, and leave him behind. The clearly dehydrated infants. Forget that these people have lost every material thing they've ever worked for, but they're losing each other right in front of their eyes.



And it's going to get worse because it's inevitable. People are going to get really sick & how do you contain that. It looks like the worst of the bad third world countries, yet it's right here.



No amount of help seems like nearly enough & yet every teeny tiny bit is golden.



I feel ridiculously selfish. How can you not? Anything that is a minor grievance just need not even be said. It feels horribly WRONG to me to complain about anything. It rained for 3.5 days straight here, my kids were literally beating the crap out of each other & all I could think was, thank god they are inside.

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