I watched this today for the first time in years. Still love it to pieces. Take 4 minutes & watch.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Just not feelin it
This morning was the school Halloween Parade. Let me restate, it was the school's last EVER Halloween Parade as our school will close its doors in June. Of course it was raining & of course that did not matter. We walked the 8 blocks anyway, police escort & all. I walked with B's class. That was interesting. Her teacher was out sick. The teachers aide was out sick. One of the other moms that was supposed to be there was out sick. None of us knew each other & in the end I was the only one that knew the kids! And the days planned agenda. And how the teacher normally does thinks. Totally not feeling it & I was the go to person for lots. I didn't forget my camera. I just was too busy to take pics. I got a few on my cell because I thought fast but other than that...zilcho.
Why am I not feeling it? No clue. I just know I went to bed last night with a feeling of dread & the running thought was that I just need to make it til noon today. Why noon? Don't know. I came home to eat, kids are at lunch & then dismissed at 1. I think I'm anxious to not have to be anywhere for a few days which is kind of a joke since there is Halloween stuff all weekend!
Don't know. Just not feelin it. I'll leave you with old Halloween Pics:
(Or maybe I won't. Blogger won't let me add pics right now...I'll do it later)
Why am I not feeling it? No clue. I just know I went to bed last night with a feeling of dread & the running thought was that I just need to make it til noon today. Why noon? Don't know. I came home to eat, kids are at lunch & then dismissed at 1. I think I'm anxious to not have to be anywhere for a few days which is kind of a joke since there is Halloween stuff all weekend!
Don't know. Just not feelin it. I'll leave you with old Halloween Pics:
(Or maybe I won't. Blogger won't let me add pics right now...I'll do it later)
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Things I Did Not Say
I could have turned people on each other so easily & really revealed the amount of back stabbing that goes on in that
Have you beat up your daughter lately?
Are you not talking to your mom because she called children & youth on you, again?
Did you buy those new boots rather than Halloween costumes for your kids, like last year?
Hold your babies hand as she crosses the street.
Has your hubby had enough of your shit & left you yet?
_______says you are the WORST mother she has ever met in her entire life. Do you still give her a ride to the school in the afternoon?
It's CHILLY out & I see the baby has socks on. What makes today different than yesterday???
Instead of all that, I simply said good morning & continued talking to my girls.
Bigger person, no?
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I Come First
Found this song late last night & loved it.
don't share,
I'm not that type
Your list and you,
Can walk on by
One of many,
Not worth my while
My one and only,
Now that's my style
(Chorus)
Yeahhh...
If you feel how I feel
Then sing "Yeahhh"
Look him in the eye and tell him,
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first or I don't come at all..."
I'm a priceless find
I'm supposed to be on a pedestal,
Not standing in line
Oh no no no
So make a choice,
Must decide
It's them tonight,
Or me for life
(Chorus)
Yeahhh...
If you feel how I feel
Then sing "Yeahhh"
Look him in the eye and tell him,
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first or I don't come at all..."
Hey (x16)
La La, La La, La La, La La (woahh)
La La, La La, La La, La La (ohh)
La La, La La, La La, La La (woahh)
La La, La La, La La, La La (ohh)
(Chorus)
Yeahhh...
If you feel how I feel
Then sing "Yeahhh"
Look him in the eye and tell him,
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first or I don't come at all..."
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first or I don't come at all..."
La La, La La, La La, La La (woahh)
La La, La La, La La, La La (ohh)
La La, La La, La La, La La (woahh)
La La, La La, La La, La La (ohh)
Or I don't come at all...
don't share,
I'm not that type
Your list and you,
Can walk on by
One of many,
Not worth my while
My one and only,
Now that's my style
(Chorus)
Yeahhh...
If you feel how I feel
Then sing "Yeahhh"
Look him in the eye and tell him,
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first or I don't come at all..."
I'm a priceless find
I'm supposed to be on a pedestal,
Not standing in line
Oh no no no
So make a choice,
Must decide
It's them tonight,
Or me for life
(Chorus)
Yeahhh...
If you feel how I feel
Then sing "Yeahhh"
Look him in the eye and tell him,
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first or I don't come at all..."
Hey (x16)
La La, La La, La La, La La (woahh)
La La, La La, La La, La La (ohh)
La La, La La, La La, La La (woahh)
La La, La La, La La, La La (ohh)
(Chorus)
Yeahhh...
If you feel how I feel
Then sing "Yeahhh"
Look him in the eye and tell him,
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first or I don't come at all..."
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first, won't come second"
"I come first or I don't come at all..."
La La, La La, La La, La La (woahh)
La La, La La, La La, La La (ohh)
La La, La La, La La, La La (woahh)
La La, La La, La La, La La (ohh)
Or I don't come at all...
“It's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes -- that's why you sometimes need really special shoes!”
But Sex In The City commentary is ALWAYS appreciated & well understoof when single so here are a few that I stumbled onto this morning...
“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”
“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”
“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”
“You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'.”
“Are there some women put in the world just to make you feel bad about yourself?”
“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”
“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”
“You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'.”“Are there some women put in the world just to make you feel bad about yourself?”
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Ain't It Funny?
Life is just funny. You know, the way IT goes? The way you always end up wanting what isn't yours exactly and what could be yours...just doesn't quite fit the bill.
The crush & I are still circling. Get close for a week. Several calls a day etc. eventually hook up & then take a week off. Not an ideal for most people although for me, this has kind of worked. I don't think I can stomach any man every day of my life. I feel like I just don't have that to give. Small doses are good, then go away and give me some space. That's even better. In truth, I WOULD like to see more of him, but I fear that if I do, I'll realize he's an asshole & that'll be it. I can keep my rose colored glasses on if we aren't connected at the head. But the gut level connection is there as is the chemistry. More than I've ever had with any other man.
At the same time there is the ex BF. We do spend time together still but its strictly a friend situation. There is NO chemistry whatsoever. What remains is a genuine love as friends. But sparks...where there ever any??? That is precisely why he would be around daily if I wanted it. He would truly do ANYTHING for the girls & I. But I have to keep him at a distance because its just never gonna happen which is pretty damn ironic.
This is precisely why I like my nights alone the best. That's about the only time when I know I'm exactly where I belong.
The crush & I are still circling. Get close for a week. Several calls a day etc. eventually hook up & then take a week off. Not an ideal for most people although for me, this has kind of worked. I don't think I can stomach any man every day of my life. I feel like I just don't have that to give. Small doses are good, then go away and give me some space. That's even better. In truth, I WOULD like to see more of him, but I fear that if I do, I'll realize he's an asshole & that'll be it. I can keep my rose colored glasses on if we aren't connected at the head. But the gut level connection is there as is the chemistry. More than I've ever had with any other man.
At the same time there is the ex BF. We do spend time together still but its strictly a friend situation. There is NO chemistry whatsoever. What remains is a genuine love as friends. But sparks...where there ever any??? That is precisely why he would be around daily if I wanted it. He would truly do ANYTHING for the girls & I. But I have to keep him at a distance because its just never gonna happen which is pretty damn ironic.
This is precisely why I like my nights alone the best. That's about the only time when I know I'm exactly where I belong.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Verizon Wireless & I Are Not Friends This Week.
Most days I love Verizon Wireless. I've had other services & I do believe they are the best. Any week but this week, anyway.
I have a prepay account & I have a texting bundle attatched. It is def the cheapest for me because I text a lot & talk little. I make a payment the other day thru my handset using my Visa debit card. The money is not applied to my account so I call. Actually before I called I looked at my online statement which shows it as a completed transaction. Then I call. I'm told to take a copy of that statement into a Verizon store & they can see it & credit it.
Except they can't. Stores can only NOTATE accounts. Then you need to call customer service and pray the store rep notated the account so that the phone clown can actually credit you. So, after dealing with Zach in store I called & got "Ethan" on the phone. I explained that there should be a notation & of course, there wasn't. So Ethan decides to call the store & I'm all sorts of "YAYYY talk to Zach!". 15 minutes I'm on hold while Ethan & Zach talk. Ethan finally comes back and says to me, "I'm sorry but Zach says that you did NOT go in & make a payment in the store today. In fact you haven't made one in that store since 2008!" with a har- I got you liar kind of sound to his voice.
I sit there dumbfounded before taking a deep breath & telling him he is absolutely right, I made no payment in store, I SHOWED PROOF OF A PAYMENT ALREADY MADE. Ethan asked the wrong damn question, which he conceded. When I suggested he call the store again he refused & hung up on me.
I call right back livid & got a rep who just refunded everything & then some for my troubles.
I have a third party block on my phone & in spite of it I have gotten 15 text messages in two days that amount to spam. I call in & get a girl who flat out calls me a liar because those messages come in under a different code & that special code isn't on my account. I'm looking at my account online agreeing that code isn't there but I also have the messages still. Hung up on her rude ass, called back & spent god knows how long going thru each number with a rep & unsubscribing then being given a text credit to cover the messages I sent.
Seriously? Spend 10 cents to be given 10 cents. OMG
I have a prepay account & I have a texting bundle attatched. It is def the cheapest for me because I text a lot & talk little. I make a payment the other day thru my handset using my Visa debit card. The money is not applied to my account so I call. Actually before I called I looked at my online statement which shows it as a completed transaction. Then I call. I'm told to take a copy of that statement into a Verizon store & they can see it & credit it.
Except they can't. Stores can only NOTATE accounts. Then you need to call customer service and pray the store rep notated the account so that the phone clown can actually credit you. So, after dealing with Zach in store I called & got "Ethan" on the phone. I explained that there should be a notation & of course, there wasn't. So Ethan decides to call the store & I'm all sorts of "YAYYY talk to Zach!". 15 minutes I'm on hold while Ethan & Zach talk. Ethan finally comes back and says to me, "I'm sorry but Zach says that you did NOT go in & make a payment in the store today. In fact you haven't made one in that store since 2008!" with a har- I got you liar kind of sound to his voice.
I sit there dumbfounded before taking a deep breath & telling him he is absolutely right, I made no payment in store, I SHOWED PROOF OF A PAYMENT ALREADY MADE. Ethan asked the wrong damn question, which he conceded. When I suggested he call the store again he refused & hung up on me.
I call right back livid & got a rep who just refunded everything & then some for my troubles.
I have a third party block on my phone & in spite of it I have gotten 15 text messages in two days that amount to spam. I call in & get a girl who flat out calls me a liar because those messages come in under a different code & that special code isn't on my account. I'm looking at my account online agreeing that code isn't there but I also have the messages still. Hung up on her rude ass, called back & spent god knows how long going thru each number with a rep & unsubscribing then being given a text credit to cover the messages I sent.
Seriously? Spend 10 cents to be given 10 cents. OMG
Monday, October 18, 2010
Things You Don't Know
~ I bought three cups of coffee today & each one tasted awful. Problem could be me.
~ I carry my sleeping 7 year old to bed every single night after she falls asleep cuddling. That often includes up a flight of stairs.
~ The cat is always on my computer chair & I always sit on the very edge of it so that he can keep sleeping comfortably. Like right now.
~ I'm dreading teacher confrences because 3rd grade math is KILLING Gracie.
~ I have to plan a second grade Halloween party for school. First I need to write a note for parents asking for snacks. I've not given either a moments thought.
~ Most nights I'll pick a home cooked meal over eating out.
~ I've realized most people don't share my sense of right & wrong.
~ I often fall asleep propped up in bed reading except that I've never cracked the binding on the book.
~ I grab headphones & youtube clips from SYTYCD and old skating shows on my itouch every single night.
~ I carry my sleeping 7 year old to bed every single night after she falls asleep cuddling. That often includes up a flight of stairs.
~ The cat is always on my computer chair & I always sit on the very edge of it so that he can keep sleeping comfortably. Like right now.
~ I'm dreading teacher confrences because 3rd grade math is KILLING Gracie.
~ I have to plan a second grade Halloween party for school. First I need to write a note for parents asking for snacks. I've not given either a moments thought.
~ Most nights I'll pick a home cooked meal over eating out.
~ I've realized most people don't share my sense of right & wrong.
~ I often fall asleep propped up in bed reading except that I've never cracked the binding on the book.
~ I grab headphones & youtube clips from SYTYCD and old skating shows on my itouch every single night.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
I Think My Weekend Is Shot
I think this is one of the worst sicks I've had in a long time. I feel like my chest & back are in a vice & I can't breathe properly. I had hoped I'd fall asleep last night & wake feeling better. Instead I woke an hour later with my throat and ears itching and my knees throbbing. (Yeah, I don't get the knee thing either...)
Needless to say it has been a bad day. My kids know, if I lay down its bad. At one point I was on the couch mumbling something about us needing to go to the store. The little one looks at me serious as a heart attack & says, "We can go for you mom. You just stay here. I can read a list, Kate can carry the basket & Gracie is good with money." Sweetest kid ever. Even later on whjen she said, "First you got sick, then today you're sicker maybe tomorrow you'll be dead." Then she gave me a hug and went back to looking at her Kids Bop magazine.
So yeah, I'm going nowhere fast here. I did somehow make it to the grocery store. I have gotten really tired of coughing til I puke up my chicken broth & water. Also I'm tasting acid nonstop I think partly from the broth. It took about an hour but I got down an apple cider donught & pepsi tonite. At least thats worth heaving.
Needless to say it has been a bad day. My kids know, if I lay down its bad. At one point I was on the couch mumbling something about us needing to go to the store. The little one looks at me serious as a heart attack & says, "We can go for you mom. You just stay here. I can read a list, Kate can carry the basket & Gracie is good with money." Sweetest kid ever. Even later on whjen she said, "First you got sick, then today you're sicker maybe tomorrow you'll be dead." Then she gave me a hug and went back to looking at her Kids Bop magazine.
So yeah, I'm going nowhere fast here. I did somehow make it to the grocery store. I have gotten really tired of coughing til I puke up my chicken broth & water. Also I'm tasting acid nonstop I think partly from the broth. It took about an hour but I got down an apple cider donught & pepsi tonite. At least thats worth heaving.
Swiped This.
I saw this posted by Staci this morning & it REALLY hit home so I'm sharing.
The Thing Is
by Ellen Bass
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.
"The Thing Is" by Ellen Bass, from Mules of Love. © BOA Editions, Ltd., 2002.
The Thing Is
by Ellen Bass
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.
"The Thing Is" by Ellen Bass, from Mules of Love. © BOA Editions, Ltd., 2002.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Made It. Almost Anyway.
I can almost say I made it thru today. It's almost over. I went from feeling eeewww to fullblown shiteous. Head, throat, ears, migraine, dizzy, etc. The little one was helping me to walk at one point. She wrapped her arms around my legs and said, "I'll hold you up mom, just don't fall on Gracie." Of course holding my legs makes it harder to walk but...the thought was so sweet.
No pumpkin patch tonite. No way.
I'm going to dig deep (REAL DEEP folks) and think of some good stuff. Like this:
Anya, Pasha & Whatshername
Sweetest Group Dance Ever Maybe
No pumpkin patch tonite. No way.
I'm going to dig deep (REAL DEEP folks) and think of some good stuff. Like this:
Anya, Pasha & Whatshername
Sweetest Group Dance Ever Maybe
I need to thank the little people...
...as in the kids. I went from virus to throat and sinus infection sick. I reek of vicks. At least I assume so but I can't smell it.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Abyss.
I'm sitting at the very bottom of it. I haven't felt this flattened in years. Husband betrayal a few times over, yeah. That was bad. Really truly bad. A few years later & a whole lot wiser...
ex husband & ex BFF combo platter betrayal. SO much worse. It has just dragged up... everything.
"He's a nice guy."
Really? Cause see, I have gone from whathefuckever indifference to blinding rage again.
Bullet points people.
* Nice guys do not stalk, harass & threaten YEARS after a relationship ends.
* Nice guys are not cowards that run from their mistakes & by mistakes, I mean children.
* Nice guys suck it up & begin the snails pace process of repairing the damage done- for their kids sake.
* Nice guys do not NOT even ask to see their children in YEARS.
* Nice guys do not owe 16 grand in child support but think its A OK to live with & support another womans kids
* Police don't issue numerouse bench warrants for nice guys.
She needs to be punched in the face with a brick.
I've been told not to isolate myself. Keep talking. Guess what? I don't want to talk. To anyone. So I'm pretty much not.
For what? To be backstabbed. I know we woman are horrid nasty self-serving creatures. Got that. Still didn't see the sucker punch headed my way.
Then there is that voice coming from the pit of my soul. The one I usually ignore because it's truly in my best interest. The rage that accompanies that voice makes homicide entirely possible. That voice that would scream all the hard questions if it could. At him.
I just wonder how some parents get the opportuinity to completely walk away & have it encouraged. How does that happen?
Yeah, you're a shitty husband & an abomination as a father. How bout this, you just forget these people exist and try again with this stray cat & her babies. How does that kind of do-over happen?
ex husband & ex BFF combo platter betrayal. SO much worse. It has just dragged up... everything.
"He's a nice guy."
Really? Cause see, I have gone from whathefuckever indifference to blinding rage again.
Bullet points people.
* Nice guys do not stalk, harass & threaten YEARS after a relationship ends.
* Nice guys are not cowards that run from their mistakes & by mistakes, I mean children.
* Nice guys suck it up & begin the snails pace process of repairing the damage done- for their kids sake.
* Nice guys do not NOT even ask to see their children in YEARS.
* Nice guys do not owe 16 grand in child support but think its A OK to live with & support another womans kids
* Police don't issue numerouse bench warrants for nice guys.
She needs to be punched in the face with a brick.
I've been told not to isolate myself. Keep talking. Guess what? I don't want to talk. To anyone. So I'm pretty much not.
For what? To be backstabbed. I know we woman are horrid nasty self-serving creatures. Got that. Still didn't see the sucker punch headed my way.
Then there is that voice coming from the pit of my soul. The one I usually ignore because it's truly in my best interest. The rage that accompanies that voice makes homicide entirely possible. That voice that would scream all the hard questions if it could. At him.
I just wonder how some parents get the opportuinity to completely walk away & have it encouraged. How does that happen?
Yeah, you're a shitty husband & an abomination as a father. How bout this, you just forget these people exist and try again with this stray cat & her babies. How does that kind of do-over happen?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
All I Really Need Is A Lil Bit...
"...A lil bit a this an a lil bit of that..." ~ 50 Cent
Dying tonite. I think I'm on the verge of a stomach *thing*. B woke this morning saying her tummy hurt & I thought she was just hungry. Didn't give it another thought until Kate (who I might add is literally seeing eye to eye with me now) came and told me she had just thrown up- in the kitchen garbage can. She got sick once more & then fell asleep. Sleep during daylight in this house means the kid is SICK. So about 2 hours ago I swear some invisible something came and lodged an invisible butter knife between my ribs and it has stayed there. Nonstop pain and my stomach is really loud & rumbly.
Why might I have a house full of sickies, why <b>now</b>? Because the day after tomorrow is our nightime trip to the pumpkin patch complete with a reserved fire pit, cornmaze in the dark, and a pile of good friends from school. That would be why.
I learned today that every now and then when you decide to be an ex husband theiving cumrag, karma bites your ass FAST. Some of the official/investigator type people looking for the ex are now wanting to speak with her (if they haven't all ready). One of the supervisors of Probation was on her today.
(Pssssst!!! ANSWER your door. Don't let the bounty hunter kick it in.)
Anyhoo...
My bubble is pretty tight here now & I kinda like it. Very few have the new phone number. I like that ir rarely rings compared to constantly like before. There's peace in the silence.
Dying tonite. I think I'm on the verge of a stomach *thing*. B woke this morning saying her tummy hurt & I thought she was just hungry. Didn't give it another thought until Kate (who I might add is literally seeing eye to eye with me now) came and told me she had just thrown up- in the kitchen garbage can. She got sick once more & then fell asleep. Sleep during daylight in this house means the kid is SICK. So about 2 hours ago I swear some invisible something came and lodged an invisible butter knife between my ribs and it has stayed there. Nonstop pain and my stomach is really loud & rumbly.
Why might I have a house full of sickies, why <b>now</b>? Because the day after tomorrow is our nightime trip to the pumpkin patch complete with a reserved fire pit, cornmaze in the dark, and a pile of good friends from school. That would be why.
I learned today that every now and then when you decide to be an ex husband theiving cumrag, karma bites your ass FAST. Some of the official/investigator type people looking for the ex are now wanting to speak with her (if they haven't all ready). One of the supervisors of Probation was on her today.
(Pssssst!!! ANSWER your door. Don't let the bounty hunter kick it in.)
Anyhoo...
My bubble is pretty tight here now & I kinda like it. Very few have the new phone number. I like that ir rarely rings compared to constantly like before. There's peace in the silence.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Chloe
About a week ago I watched this movie & loved it. Very dark & dirty. Amanda Seyfried plays Chloe, a high end call girl paid to set up the husband. Not your typical hooker by any means. There is a heart there but not in that cliched hooker with a heart of gold way either. At one point she says that she tries to find one thing good about everyone that she's with. One thing that makes them special or worthwhile. I think at that instant I identified a lot with Chloe. I look for the good too. If I can find something good or if I can understand on some level why you do bad things, then that is a lot. I try not to rip people apart and disect even though it is so easy to do. I also tell people what I feel. If I love you, you know it. I think sharing the good is as important as the negative stuff. People just need to know what they do right & what matters. We need to know these things & I think we hear them far less then we should.
Why is that? Why is it so hard to share the good when the shit piles come tumbling out like nothing?
Anyway. Chloe. She totally has that lost little girl thing going on. You get the feeling that she gives to others exactly what she herself needs.
I feel like I walk around all day wearing the strong-woman-shera princess of power-hat when really I just feel like a Chloe & I wonder how many people realize exactly that. Small & insignificant but forever trying to get it all right so that no one around me feels as lousy as me.
Yes I know I'm in a serious funk & I have had the emotional shit kicked out of me to the point that even days later I can taste vomit if I think about things for too long. Food has not been my friend this past month and I just feel deflated. Everything is an effort right now. Feel like that untrusting little lost girl & I hate it.
How Netflix Ruined My Night
I rejoined Netflix the other night. We were a member for years & by we I mean my ex & I. Not sure exactly why I let me membership go especially with the kids. It occured to me the other day that it would be easier to just have their stuff come to my house or right to our tv rather than have to actually THINK about renting stuff. So I rejoined & I set about to build my Queque. I dumped some stuff in that the girls are clamoring for & then I started looking at adult stuff. I ended up in the television section pondering a few shows I've seen not a single moment of but am curious about. Then it happened. I hit Law & Order.
Rewind five years with me. Ex & I are curled up NIGHTLY watching those great Law & Order marathons that ran on TNT & USA. Baby Bella would fall asleep on my lap and seriously would remove her drink from her mouth to hum the theme song.
Criminal Intent is my long standing favorite. As I dumped a season into my Queque I remembered our shared nights with Goren & Eames. Remembered those stupid red envelopes in my mailbox & telling him in one of our many daily conversations... "A new X-Files is here..." Whatever. That red envelope was part of our comfort zone at that point in time. Coffee, comfy blankets, late dinners & red envelopes. Back when we had "fixed things".
Back when I knew we were unbreakable and everything would always end up just fine.
Because we had fixed it all.
Therapy. X-Files. Ugly counseling sessions & Law & Order. Cuddly babies & lies. Red envelopes all alone.
Rewind five years with me. Ex & I are curled up NIGHTLY watching those great Law & Order marathons that ran on TNT & USA. Baby Bella would fall asleep on my lap and seriously would remove her drink from her mouth to hum the theme song.
Criminal Intent is my long standing favorite. As I dumped a season into my Queque I remembered our shared nights with Goren & Eames. Remembered those stupid red envelopes in my mailbox & telling him in one of our many daily conversations... "A new X-Files is here..." Whatever. That red envelope was part of our comfort zone at that point in time. Coffee, comfy blankets, late dinners & red envelopes. Back when we had "fixed things".
Back when I knew we were unbreakable and everything would always end up just fine.
Because we had fixed it all.
Therapy. X-Files. Ugly counseling sessions & Law & Order. Cuddly babies & lies. Red envelopes all alone.
When A Friend Is Not A Friend
I had this friend that I've known for 25 years. More than half a lifetime. Way more. We went to middle school together. Forged each others excuses to get out of swimming class with the perverted swim teacher. We got dragged to my mothers god awful church together & gladly watched younger siblings together rather than actually sit & pretend to listen. We cruised the mall on Saturday nights with cans of aqua net in our purses just in case the spray-and fluff-and- spray and fluff headbanger hair atop our heads needed a readjustment. We went to beauty school together & braved the vocational technical school bus daily. In other words we sat in the back & somehow might of been the only ones exiting the bus NOT high as kites. We worked in our very first salon as shampoo girls- together. We snuck around & covered each others asses like good teenage girls do. Then overnite we grew up & lost touch. We reconnected a year ago & it was instant. Me now divorced with three kids. Her divorced with a son. So much catching up was done. So much big girl life had been lived. So many painful lessons learned. We were so similar once again & very much on the same life page. At least it seemed that way.
Last spring her close friendships imploded & I took her under my wing a bit more. I felt bad. She has no one. Her sister has sons the same age as hers yet they never get together. Never a sleepover nothing. I was happy. She was happy. My girls took her son in like a brother. It was good. The slightly, ever so slightly younger sister. She belonged here with us. Nothing would change that. Evening coffee playdates. Sunday dinner. Those lined our weeks for months on end. If you know me you know the ex has been inching closer in all the wrong ways. Hasn't seen his kids in 2 years but stalks & harasses. Owes 16 grand in child support but stalks & harasses instead. It's messy & very old. This friend was of course one of very few totally in the loop. Like, knows where my security system is & knows the disarm code kinda close. Knows my routine. Knows EVERY worry I have about MY girls. Knows me. As well as anyone ever could.
Complete trust. Complete faith. My home is yours. I have your back. Anyway I can help, I will.
A month ago she crossed the worst line imaginable & I am the very last person to find out. She called my ex. Why? To feel out the situation and "get a read on him". She sat down to Sunday dinner with my family & then called him. She had coffee with me & talked to him. Kids to the park, they are talking. Somewhere in there she decided she likes him because after all, when he wants to be or needs something (like my phone number, security code number, work hours etc.) he is the nicest man on earth. Maybe nicer.
She had the power to hand this man everything and to this day I do not have any idea what she has given him.
25 years. Let's go to the pumpkin patch with the kids (Why so my ex can be there?) 25 years. I'll watch the girls for you. (Why so he can see them?) 25 years. I can't imagine us ever not being best friends. (You mean like compromising the safety & security of my children???)
25 years. I should have trusted a stranger first.
I have had to change everything possible. Phone numbers. Emails. security codes. Blog sites. Everything.
I had to explain to my girls that they will not see their faux brother because his mom betrayed me with their father. They are furious. I don't lie to them. I tell them only as little as they need but I wasn't handing them some bogus reason. They well know that safety is first & they are furious with her for betraying all of us.
Why did she do this? I don't know. I do believe she'll take one lousy man over 5 good girlfriends any day though. I guess this month he is that man.
Last spring her close friendships imploded & I took her under my wing a bit more. I felt bad. She has no one. Her sister has sons the same age as hers yet they never get together. Never a sleepover nothing. I was happy. She was happy. My girls took her son in like a brother. It was good. The slightly, ever so slightly younger sister. She belonged here with us. Nothing would change that. Evening coffee playdates. Sunday dinner. Those lined our weeks for months on end. If you know me you know the ex has been inching closer in all the wrong ways. Hasn't seen his kids in 2 years but stalks & harasses. Owes 16 grand in child support but stalks & harasses instead. It's messy & very old. This friend was of course one of very few totally in the loop. Like, knows where my security system is & knows the disarm code kinda close. Knows my routine. Knows EVERY worry I have about MY girls. Knows me. As well as anyone ever could.
Complete trust. Complete faith. My home is yours. I have your back. Anyway I can help, I will.
A month ago she crossed the worst line imaginable & I am the very last person to find out. She called my ex. Why? To feel out the situation and "get a read on him". She sat down to Sunday dinner with my family & then called him. She had coffee with me & talked to him. Kids to the park, they are talking. Somewhere in there she decided she likes him because after all, when he wants to be or needs something (like my phone number, security code number, work hours etc.) he is the nicest man on earth. Maybe nicer.
She had the power to hand this man everything and to this day I do not have any idea what she has given him.
25 years. Let's go to the pumpkin patch with the kids (Why so my ex can be there?) 25 years. I'll watch the girls for you. (Why so he can see them?) 25 years. I can't imagine us ever not being best friends. (You mean like compromising the safety & security of my children???)
25 years. I should have trusted a stranger first.
I have had to change everything possible. Phone numbers. Emails. security codes. Blog sites. Everything.
I had to explain to my girls that they will not see their faux brother because his mom betrayed me with their father. They are furious. I don't lie to them. I tell them only as little as they need but I wasn't handing them some bogus reason. They well know that safety is first & they are furious with her for betraying all of us.
Why did she do this? I don't know. I do believe she'll take one lousy man over 5 good girlfriends any day though. I guess this month he is that man.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Nightime
Remember those nights as a kid that were truly awesome? The ones that you look back on & as an adult seem like no big deal but somehow they ARE a big deal? They are imprinted forever in your mind in a good way, those rare nights. I suspect my kids had one of those last night. 7 little girls zooming up & down the block on scooters and skateboards, paths lit only by Halloween lights. Only thing that stopped them was a hot cocoa break. They were outside until 10pm & even then, I hated pulling them inside. By 10:30 they were all out cold on the sectional.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Great Job Mom
Whenever I hear those words I bust out laughing. Why? Because it always inevitably means that I totally blew it- which is funny to me. Why? Because when I make those dingbat mother mistakes they are ridiculous.
I always pick up "Gracie' at her door first after school. So for like, the 3 whole minutes that it takes us to walk around to her younger sisters door I get the day in a minute. First thing I hear as she walks towards me is, "Great job mom." I'm chuckling immediately. Conversation went something like this.
Her- "Do you know what you packed me for lunch?"
Me- "You were buying lunch."
Her- "No, I thought only "Bella" was getting lunch."
Me- "Noooo you said..."
Her- "So, I had a fruit rollup, a bag of pretzels, Gatorade and a FORK!"
Me- "A fork?!"
Followed by laughter on my end. A fork for...?? Was I randomly holding it & put it in the wrong place...I guess??
I think technically forks are potential weapons & banned too.
So I'm still laughing as we get to Bella's door & Gracie recounts the fork story as the little one says, while skipping right out of her backpack. No really! She skipped a few steps & it fell to the ground. Anyway, she says...
"Oh yeah. Why did you MAKE me get lunch today? It was soft tacos (As Grace is mumbling about LOVING tacos) which you know I hate. I had no choice but to eat my snack for my lunch."
Her snack was a fruit rollup & pretzels but you figured as much right?
I always pick up "Gracie' at her door first after school. So for like, the 3 whole minutes that it takes us to walk around to her younger sisters door I get the day in a minute. First thing I hear as she walks towards me is, "Great job mom." I'm chuckling immediately. Conversation went something like this.
Her- "Do you know what you packed me for lunch?"
Me- "You were buying lunch."
Her- "No, I thought only "Bella" was getting lunch."
Me- "Noooo you said..."
Her- "So, I had a fruit rollup, a bag of pretzels, Gatorade and a FORK!"
Me- "A fork?!"
Followed by laughter on my end. A fork for...?? Was I randomly holding it & put it in the wrong place...I guess??
I think technically forks are potential weapons & banned too.
So I'm still laughing as we get to Bella's door & Gracie recounts the fork story as the little one says, while skipping right out of her backpack. No really! She skipped a few steps & it fell to the ground. Anyway, she says...
"Oh yeah. Why did you MAKE me get lunch today? It was soft tacos (As Grace is mumbling about LOVING tacos) which you know I hate. I had no choice but to eat my snack for my lunch."
Her snack was a fruit rollup & pretzels but you figured as much right?
What's My Name Again???
In more ways than one.
Did you hear that deep sigh? It's the sound right after I realize I have the freedom to write <i>REALLY</i> write for the first time in months. And boy do I have a whole lot to talk about.
School drama.
A certain driver that we need to rename.
School and grades (Subtitle: WTH??? Whose marks are these because these sure as hell don't look <i>anything</i> like what I was looking at last year!
Work. And more work.
Friends in general. Just because you have been friends for 25 years, don't think for one single second that person wouldn't roll over you like a garbage truck does a rock.
I should not be sitting here now. My house is trashed, laundry is piled, errands need to be run & company is coming tomorrow morning. Forgot, the school bake sale. Somewhere in today we need to make a gazillion cookies for that.
Back later I hope.
Did you hear that deep sigh? It's the sound right after I realize I have the freedom to write <i>REALLY</i> write for the first time in months. And boy do I have a whole lot to talk about.
School drama.
A certain driver that we need to rename.
School and grades (Subtitle: WTH??? Whose marks are these because these sure as hell don't look <i>anything</i> like what I was looking at last year!
Work. And more work.
Friends in general. Just because you have been friends for 25 years, don't think for one single second that person wouldn't roll over you like a garbage truck does a rock.
I should not be sitting here now. My house is trashed, laundry is piled, errands need to be run & company is coming tomorrow morning. Forgot, the school bake sale. Somewhere in today we need to make a gazillion cookies for that.
Back later I hope.
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