Every week Alicia posts a topic for the Group Blogging Experience & tons of us roll with it. This weeks' topic is Inner Peace.
Inner peace. Sometimes it feels as elusive as a white elephant. Chasing the impossible. You feel calm and like you can actually just be for awhile when BAM life drops another anvil on your head. It always happens and as long as we are all human, expect those anvils to keep falling from the sky. It's not supposed to be easy we just want it to be. I know I do. I want to coast on a rainbow and love every second of every day but damn the negative things that always seem to get in my way.
It took me until I was well into my 30's to really get that life is supposed to be filled with pot holes & that those would be more common than smooth patches. I also realized something amazing once I stopped being so fixated on the bad: There is ALWAYS good. Always. It is easy to be tangled in drama, crap, stress & bull shit. It is easy not to allow all the bits of good in every day to have equal importance. There's calm in the good. There is a sense of peace that accompanies the positivity. I just needed to be willing to see it. I then had to be open to continue seeing it.
I also went on a mission to cut out as much drama from my life as possible. I took control of what I could and made it a personal rule never to say anything behind someones back that I won't say to their face. I'm at peace knowing that my words won't really come back to bite me too badly & that my friends know that this is how I live.
Remember when you were 18 and you were pretty sure you'd know what your life would look like in 10 years? It's almost like we're conditioned to have built in expectations for what our lives will look like and very often they just don't. I've known a lot of women that had their marriage, first & second children mapped out years in advance only to not have those things in the designated time.
What happened to living in the present? Doing the very best that you can do, living the most productive and healthy life possible and seeing the good in that? Why does being healthy and having a good job and good friends amount to nothing if you aren't as married by 28 as you thought you'd be?
I ditched a lot of my silly expectations and started making a mental list of what I have instead accomplished. Seeing my life realistically has brought me peace even when the waters are choppy. There are always options to make things better. There are usually happy kids. Friends are always a phone call away. I should feel a sense of peace by now. It's a journey and one that I've been on for a long time. I should see enough good to be able to laugh in spite of the bad. I should live in and enjoy the present because it brings comfort at least part of the time. Comfort that I've earned. Peace that I need because even a small dose carries me far.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
The Thaw
About a year ago, almost to the day my mother & I pretty much stopped talking- again. I say again because it has been a theme throughout my entire adult life. She's around for a little while & then a cult church cult elder pulls her aside & lambastes her for associating with me. Like, 18 years into my NOT WANTING TO BE A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS they still tell her that if she shuns me, eventually I'll come running back & embrace the- teachings. So my adult life has seen her float in & out. She pulled an "I can't talk to you." on me 6 weeks before I had Emmy & that led to her not meeting Em until a week before her first birthday. She has missed a lot because of them.
Back to the point. A year ago we were at a back to school lunch for the kids & she was as always admonishing me to hurry back to a Kingdom Hall because "Things are REALLY bad now. The end is REALLY REALLY close now..." I told her that even if I ever set foot in the place again there were still things that I would never ever do because I think they are simply, morally wrong. She asked for an example & so I gave one. She pushed for it, so I picked one. I told her that I think it is very wrong to use children to peddle Watchtowers. To have a 3 year old ring the doorbell & to open a door & find an itty bitty kid on your porch holding an Awake is just wrong. It is manipulative as hell. These kids don't know what they're doing. People won't be rude to a child & thats why they do it. It's to "place" another magazine because believe me, they cOUNT every book and magazine they unload each month. They have to turn in their "time" at the end of the month which is a rundown of how many hours they spent preaching, what literature they unloaded & how many people they TALKED to. I told her that once the homeowner shuts the door their reaction is quite different. They are often pissed to see children so blatantly used to further the teachings of a religious group. My kids would never ever be allowed to do such a thing. Ever.
I stated my beliefs & because it didn't jive with hers, I was disrespectful.
No really. I disrespected her by believing something other than what she does. So much so that she was angry and waiting for an apology.
Back up, she wanted me to apologize for stating with logic & detail something I believe (or don't) in. Well that wasn't going to happen. In my mind apologizing means compromising my beliefs or saying that they somehow are LESS valid than hers.
Uh-huh. No. At first I didn't even realize this was going on. My sister told me she was mad and my reaction was confusion, I had no idea why!
So now fast forward to the end of last month because from last August up until the end of last month I don't think I spoke to her at all. Seriously. No wait- she came to the kids graduations in June! My mistake anyway...My parents anniversary was last month & so the kids made cards & stuff for them. She called to say thank you & we talked for awhile. A few days later she called on a whim to see if she could take the kids for a few hours. She lives 3 blocks away and rarely sees them at all. If she wants them my feeling is that I'm not rearranging scheduled plans but if they're available of course she can see them. She calls 20 minutes before arriving usually so its a crapshoot- for her. But I figure as long as they get that they don't see her a lot but that once in a while they can spend time, it's cool. She's not an every day grandma & they know that & jump at a chance to see her anyway.
Today she called again to see if she could take Emmy. We had nothing going on & I knew Em would be thrilled. Her plan is to take each of them alone before they go back to school in 16 days- yes I AM counting. Instead of waiting in the car she rang the doorbell & came in for the first time in a year. She met the dog, met the kitten, saw the renovations & acted like she's never been gone.
She came as close to apologizing to me as it would ever, ever get. She is never wrong so apologies are far & few between with her. She did not say the word sorry but then, she wouldn't. I did tell her that I was sorry for anything that I said that she took as disrespectful because it hadn't been my intent. That's the best I could do. My beliefs are my beliefs end of story. But it was just bizarre. What caused the thaw? I assume it is because she knows that my other sister will be watching B 4 days a week for me when school starts. Kiki is always here, my other sister will be here, she probably realized she is fast becoming out of the loop.
I've always said you look for the good in situations & just leave the bad fall to the side. Sounds so easy & yet it is one of the toughest things to do. It took me a long time to look past all the shit & judgement & criticism. It took me half an adult life to accept, like REALLY accept that I will NEVER be good enough by her standards as long as I'm not sitting in a Kingdom Hall. I could lead an exemplary life and it amounts to nothing because of her beliefs. It took trial & error...thinking, well, maybe this time-maybe now-maybe if I... scenarios galore before I finally made real peace with things. I am me & this is it. This is what you get, someone true to themself. Someone that won't change because a group of people think they should. Someone that most days is very comfortable in their own skin.
So today I really can just take the good. She wants to spend time with her grandkids. She's not in shun mode or she'd never have set foot in my house. She actually sort of apologized. Then I can leave all the rest of the shit fall to the side, for real.
Back to the point. A year ago we were at a back to school lunch for the kids & she was as always admonishing me to hurry back to a Kingdom Hall because "Things are REALLY bad now. The end is REALLY REALLY close now..." I told her that even if I ever set foot in the place again there were still things that I would never ever do because I think they are simply, morally wrong. She asked for an example & so I gave one. She pushed for it, so I picked one. I told her that I think it is very wrong to use children to peddle Watchtowers. To have a 3 year old ring the doorbell & to open a door & find an itty bitty kid on your porch holding an Awake is just wrong. It is manipulative as hell. These kids don't know what they're doing. People won't be rude to a child & thats why they do it. It's to "place" another magazine because believe me, they cOUNT every book and magazine they unload each month. They have to turn in their "time" at the end of the month which is a rundown of how many hours they spent preaching, what literature they unloaded & how many people they TALKED to. I told her that once the homeowner shuts the door their reaction is quite different. They are often pissed to see children so blatantly used to further the teachings of a religious group. My kids would never ever be allowed to do such a thing. Ever.
I stated my beliefs & because it didn't jive with hers, I was disrespectful.
No really. I disrespected her by believing something other than what she does. So much so that she was angry and waiting for an apology.
Back up, she wanted me to apologize for stating with logic & detail something I believe (or don't) in. Well that wasn't going to happen. In my mind apologizing means compromising my beliefs or saying that they somehow are LESS valid than hers.
Uh-huh. No. At first I didn't even realize this was going on. My sister told me she was mad and my reaction was confusion, I had no idea why!
So now fast forward to the end of last month because from last August up until the end of last month I don't think I spoke to her at all. Seriously. No wait- she came to the kids graduations in June! My mistake anyway...My parents anniversary was last month & so the kids made cards & stuff for them. She called to say thank you & we talked for awhile. A few days later she called on a whim to see if she could take the kids for a few hours. She lives 3 blocks away and rarely sees them at all. If she wants them my feeling is that I'm not rearranging scheduled plans but if they're available of course she can see them. She calls 20 minutes before arriving usually so its a crapshoot- for her. But I figure as long as they get that they don't see her a lot but that once in a while they can spend time, it's cool. She's not an every day grandma & they know that & jump at a chance to see her anyway.
Today she called again to see if she could take Emmy. We had nothing going on & I knew Em would be thrilled. Her plan is to take each of them alone before they go back to school in 16 days- yes I AM counting. Instead of waiting in the car she rang the doorbell & came in for the first time in a year. She met the dog, met the kitten, saw the renovations & acted like she's never been gone.
She came as close to apologizing to me as it would ever, ever get. She is never wrong so apologies are far & few between with her. She did not say the word sorry but then, she wouldn't. I did tell her that I was sorry for anything that I said that she took as disrespectful because it hadn't been my intent. That's the best I could do. My beliefs are my beliefs end of story. But it was just bizarre. What caused the thaw? I assume it is because she knows that my other sister will be watching B 4 days a week for me when school starts. Kiki is always here, my other sister will be here, she probably realized she is fast becoming out of the loop.
I've always said you look for the good in situations & just leave the bad fall to the side. Sounds so easy & yet it is one of the toughest things to do. It took me a long time to look past all the shit & judgement & criticism. It took me half an adult life to accept, like REALLY accept that I will NEVER be good enough by her standards as long as I'm not sitting in a Kingdom Hall. I could lead an exemplary life and it amounts to nothing because of her beliefs. It took trial & error...thinking, well, maybe this time-maybe now-maybe if I... scenarios galore before I finally made real peace with things. I am me & this is it. This is what you get, someone true to themself. Someone that won't change because a group of people think they should. Someone that most days is very comfortable in their own skin.
So today I really can just take the good. She wants to spend time with her grandkids. She's not in shun mode or she'd never have set foot in my house. She actually sort of apologized. Then I can leave all the rest of the shit fall to the side, for real.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Thinking of Ghosts
Half a lifetime ago I was a real mess. I'd spent like 12 years being raised in what amounts to a cult. One day in middle school my mother decided I shouldn't have "worldly" friends anymore, meaning if you didn't sit in a Kingdom Hall I'd ONLY see you at school. I HAD to spent 6 hours a week at church or meetings as they call them. I had to spend my Saturday mornings ringing doorbells praying all the while that no one would answer the door. I watched my mother have her ministers come to exorcise demons from our haunted home. I fought & snuck around for every inch of freedom that I had. I worked a lot for a teenager because it was an OUT. Plus I needed money because she kept throwing out my cassette's & clothes so I was forever replacing & rehiding my stuff. I like to have control by nature so by the time I was in my late teens an eating disorder popped up and I was THRILLED. I could piss her off & it was something mom could NOT control. I was too young to climb out from under her thumb and too insecure to take real control over my life so I became textbook. I controlled eating, or not.
My mother never ever got & to this day does not. She is so wrapped in her religion that she can't possibly entertain the bad side. She is programmed, 30 years now worth of programmed never to see any of it is bad. It was my problem period. I was screwed up period. So off to a therapist I went when I was 20. I don't think at the time I actually liked the guy but he was a comfort. He was my parents age, nonjudgemental, soft spoken & had kids slightly younger than me. He was kind of like proof that not all parents parented as fucked up as mine. I was relieved to see that & resented him for it as well. How dare other people not screw up their kids. How dare other parents be supportive.
He didn't help my issues but other ones were surfacing & I was having lots of nitemares. He had given me a hotline number to call for a women's center if I woke & was a total mess. Probably the best hands on thing that he did because they actually guided me towards getting better for real.
I've always been a numbers person. If you have a phone I'll find your number & that was back before Googling & the internet made it easy. My best friends mom changed their number & she was going to call me after school to give me the new one. I literally picked up the phone & dialed 2 random numbers, the second was her new phone number. I didn't know it yet & actually I had no idea what I'd even dialed, but I found her. I've done things like that a lot. So I had the therapists home number. Never used it, never ever would call it on purpose but it was ingrained in my brain.
I woke one night hyperventilating & picked up the phone. I misdialed & the lady on the other end said to me,
"Oh honey. I am so so sorry but you have the wrong number."
Total kindness with a tinge of angst in her voice. She wanted to help but I had misdialed.
In the middle of my next session I mentioned this scenario as, yet another thing I can't do right- I can't even call a helpline damn it! His expression was priceless. I told him about the lady on the other end & how truly kind she had seemed. I'd wished she had answered at the right number.
I walked out of that office & it clicked, I had called HIS HOUSE at midnite & I was talking to his wife. He knew it the minute I said it & tried to cover his reaction.
His wife was also a therapist. She was involved with so many organizations & worked for Visiting Nurses for a long time. If there was a cause or a way to help someone in pain, she was involved. I knew that much about her
In 18 years I've made a million other phone calls but that one has always stayed with me. Yesterday I was googling the local marathon that I intend to run in October. I was looking at results from previous years & there was her name from about 10 years ago. On a whim I googled her interested in her running & instead I pulled up her obituary from TWO WEEKS AGO. She died of lung cancer while on vacation at the beach the same week I was away. She was only 58, my mother's age now. It has eaten at me since yesterday. I've contemplated leaving a message in the guest book for the obit because at midnight 18 years ago she impacted me. She was a calm, kind lifeline. A ghost that has always stayed with me, impacted me & I've felt a great deal of gratitude to her for half of my life. If she had just hung up on me I might have done something really stupid. Instead her kindness set an example and proves to me how we can impact complete strangers without even knowing it.
My mother never ever got & to this day does not. She is so wrapped in her religion that she can't possibly entertain the bad side. She is programmed, 30 years now worth of programmed never to see any of it is bad. It was my problem period. I was screwed up period. So off to a therapist I went when I was 20. I don't think at the time I actually liked the guy but he was a comfort. He was my parents age, nonjudgemental, soft spoken & had kids slightly younger than me. He was kind of like proof that not all parents parented as fucked up as mine. I was relieved to see that & resented him for it as well. How dare other people not screw up their kids. How dare other parents be supportive.
He didn't help my issues but other ones were surfacing & I was having lots of nitemares. He had given me a hotline number to call for a women's center if I woke & was a total mess. Probably the best hands on thing that he did because they actually guided me towards getting better for real.
I've always been a numbers person. If you have a phone I'll find your number & that was back before Googling & the internet made it easy. My best friends mom changed their number & she was going to call me after school to give me the new one. I literally picked up the phone & dialed 2 random numbers, the second was her new phone number. I didn't know it yet & actually I had no idea what I'd even dialed, but I found her. I've done things like that a lot. So I had the therapists home number. Never used it, never ever would call it on purpose but it was ingrained in my brain.
I woke one night hyperventilating & picked up the phone. I misdialed & the lady on the other end said to me,
"Oh honey. I am so so sorry but you have the wrong number."
Total kindness with a tinge of angst in her voice. She wanted to help but I had misdialed.
In the middle of my next session I mentioned this scenario as, yet another thing I can't do right- I can't even call a helpline damn it! His expression was priceless. I told him about the lady on the other end & how truly kind she had seemed. I'd wished she had answered at the right number.
I walked out of that office & it clicked, I had called HIS HOUSE at midnite & I was talking to his wife. He knew it the minute I said it & tried to cover his reaction.
His wife was also a therapist. She was involved with so many organizations & worked for Visiting Nurses for a long time. If there was a cause or a way to help someone in pain, she was involved. I knew that much about her
In 18 years I've made a million other phone calls but that one has always stayed with me. Yesterday I was googling the local marathon that I intend to run in October. I was looking at results from previous years & there was her name from about 10 years ago. On a whim I googled her interested in her running & instead I pulled up her obituary from TWO WEEKS AGO. She died of lung cancer while on vacation at the beach the same week I was away. She was only 58, my mother's age now. It has eaten at me since yesterday. I've contemplated leaving a message in the guest book for the obit because at midnight 18 years ago she impacted me. She was a calm, kind lifeline. A ghost that has always stayed with me, impacted me & I've felt a great deal of gratitude to her for half of my life. If she had just hung up on me I might have done something really stupid. Instead her kindness set an example and proves to me how we can impact complete strangers without even knowing it.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Things I Hate
Fighting little girls because when fighting they are no longer little princesses but red-eyed, head spinning...
- Momma cats that think they should take their 2 week old babies on a field trip overnite, from their crate to the back of my upstairs closet.
- The fukctarded Dope De Dope puppy that is actually much, much better than before. I mean she can lay on my flipflop without eating it! That is huge. Unfortunately she is now crapping in one spot on the new carpet. She's not ALL dumb because she drops it in the small spot where it BLENDS IN!
- Dudes that wear "shorts" that stop 2 inches above their ankles that are covered by crew socks. WTF is the point?
- Men that are ALL talk. Men who talk the talk usually can never follow thru.
- Old ladies with piss colored teased up hair & coral lipstick that actually believe it is their right to comment on my parenting. It was too cold to have my kids out without coats today. What was I thinking, it was only 76 sunny degrees??
- Loser, criminal family members related ONLY thru marriage that opted to give MY PHONE NUMBER to their creditors as a contact for them! I've met these idiots once and somehow they've obtained my unlisted home phone & used it. What. The. Hell.
- Being hit on by every dirtbag in my path but not bumping into thecrush(tm) even for a sec.
- Waiting in line for 15 minutes at Starbucks only to get the RARE coffee from there that tastes like dirt.
- My Mexican neighbor that must have found love recently. He usually saves his live Spanish guitar backporch concert for Saturday afternoons. Now once the sun goes down there he is, dude friend sitting opposite him:
Plink plink plink. PLINK PLINK PLINK. Plink plink plink." Insert a Spanish yodel in between the plinks.
- How I can walk fine in sneakers but am limping like a total gimp in flip flops.
- Myspazzles totally jacked blog & comment mess this week!
Don't worry, I'm sure I have more coming. In the meantime, what are you hating today??
- Momma cats that think they should take their 2 week old babies on a field trip overnite, from their crate to the back of my upstairs closet.
- The fukctarded Dope De Dope puppy that is actually much, much better than before. I mean she can lay on my flipflop without eating it! That is huge. Unfortunately she is now crapping in one spot on the new carpet. She's not ALL dumb because she drops it in the small spot where it BLENDS IN!
- Dudes that wear "shorts" that stop 2 inches above their ankles that are covered by crew socks. WTF is the point?
- Men that are ALL talk. Men who talk the talk usually can never follow thru.
- Old ladies with piss colored teased up hair & coral lipstick that actually believe it is their right to comment on my parenting. It was too cold to have my kids out without coats today. What was I thinking, it was only 76 sunny degrees??
- Loser, criminal family members related ONLY thru marriage that opted to give MY PHONE NUMBER to their creditors as a contact for them! I've met these idiots once and somehow they've obtained my unlisted home phone & used it. What. The. Hell.
- Being hit on by every dirtbag in my path but not bumping into thecrush(tm) even for a sec.
- Waiting in line for 15 minutes at Starbucks only to get the RARE coffee from there that tastes like dirt.
- My Mexican neighbor that must have found love recently. He usually saves his live Spanish guitar backporch concert for Saturday afternoons. Now once the sun goes down there he is, dude friend sitting opposite him:
Plink plink plink. PLINK PLINK PLINK. Plink plink plink." Insert a Spanish yodel in between the plinks.
- How I can walk fine in sneakers but am limping like a total gimp in flip flops.
- Myspazzles totally jacked blog & comment mess this week!
Don't worry, I'm sure I have more coming. In the meantime, what are you hating today??
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Elmo Left But Spongebob Remains
Bridget & I were having a conversation yesterday while walking down the street. We went to cross at an intersection & I reminded her to be careful. She mentioned that we don't want to be "crushed" by a car. I think it's kind of ingenius that while the rest of us avoid being "hit" by cars my 5 year old actually grasps the weight of a car and sees it as something that can crush us. Anyway, the question of the day from my non-Elmo-loving baby:
"If a car crushes us does that mean we'll be flat?
Me: "Flat??"
Bridget- "You know, will it make us flat like Spongebob??"
Good to know we haven't gone cold turkey on the kid stuff.
"If a car crushes us does that mean we'll be flat?
Me: "Flat??"
Bridget- "You know, will it make us flat like Spongebob??"
Good to know we haven't gone cold turkey on the kid stuff.
Another Brick Chipped from the Wall
I've discussed my semi-whacked family here on a few occassions. My mom converted into a full blown bible pummeling Jehovah's Witness when I was 9 and her religion pretty much wrecked any & all chance for me to have a "normal" upbringing. That sounded bitter didn't it? Actually, I'm not at all. It totally shaped who I am as an adult & more importantly it helped me to see exactly what I did not want to become. I try HARD not to judge. I don't ridicule. I'm very tolerant and you can live however you please as long as it doesn't directly affect mine or my childrens lives in a negative way. I'm sarcastic as hell but those who know me, know that I'm usually joking. I will say what I think & I'll often say that thing that you're also thinking but dare not say, but I do it tactfully. People walk away & 5 minutes later realize the actual content of my statement. I don't hide & I don't hide behind supposed ideas of what my family thinks I should believe. I am who I am & you can take it or toss it. You know what you're going to get from me is honest & it is real. I'll never say anything behind your back that I wouldn't say to your face. These things have served me very well. According to my mother this approach to life is BAAADDD. Mainly because I don't sit in a Kingdom Hall 6 hours a week & because you won't find me ringing your doorbell, Watchtower in hand at 10am on a Saturday morning. Whatever. I've made real peace with this situation. My family lives 3 blocks away and I'm kind of a "bad influence" so we rarely speak with the exception of the infamous Kiki. You guys know she is the sister that jumped religious ship a year ago and now shares a brain with me. If she's not here she's on the other end of my phone.
We have a younger sister that seemed until recently to be wrapped around moms finger. It was scary for awhile, she was saying things at 20 that my mom would say at 50+. Direct statements out of their religious literature. And then, something happened. No idea what but suddenly, she seems to be waking up. The true test kind of came today. Up until now she has been in my mother's boat, thinking I'm something to mostly avoid. Is that hurtful? No, not really. She's young & wanted to please mom. I get it. It's ok. Today I was looking at the kids school schedule & it is a clusterfuck. 8:20am school starts. B is out at 11am, the other two are out at 2:25. B gets miserable if she is run around too much. She is little still & I'm seeing the 2:25 pick up as a nitemare, especially on bus days. The school won't bus them because I REQUESTED a biundary exception. I CHOSE to send them to a school further than necessary. Fair enough. My other sister is home during the day & I wondered if she'd be willing to watch B in the afternoons for me. If she was feeling religious it would be a no, plus my mom will so NOT be happy. In her mind it is bad enough that Kiki spends so much time with "that one down the street" (that'd be me), having my other sister at my house...oh god no.
Kiki ran the scenario by our other sister today and she actually readily agreed to watch B. My life just got considerably easier & B is excited to get time with her other aunt.
Maybe more importantly, she is climbing out from beneath the strongarm of what amounts to a cult. There is hope. While mom is a lost cause there is a good chance that the three of us can eventually pull together a mostly sane family. 3 sisters...their kids...their kids significant others...their grandkids...
There's hope.
We have a younger sister that seemed until recently to be wrapped around moms finger. It was scary for awhile, she was saying things at 20 that my mom would say at 50+. Direct statements out of their religious literature. And then, something happened. No idea what but suddenly, she seems to be waking up. The true test kind of came today. Up until now she has been in my mother's boat, thinking I'm something to mostly avoid. Is that hurtful? No, not really. She's young & wanted to please mom. I get it. It's ok. Today I was looking at the kids school schedule & it is a clusterfuck. 8:20am school starts. B is out at 11am, the other two are out at 2:25. B gets miserable if she is run around too much. She is little still & I'm seeing the 2:25 pick up as a nitemare, especially on bus days. The school won't bus them because I REQUESTED a biundary exception. I CHOSE to send them to a school further than necessary. Fair enough. My other sister is home during the day & I wondered if she'd be willing to watch B in the afternoons for me. If she was feeling religious it would be a no, plus my mom will so NOT be happy. In her mind it is bad enough that Kiki spends so much time with "that one down the street" (that'd be me), having my other sister at my house...oh god no.
Kiki ran the scenario by our other sister today and she actually readily agreed to watch B. My life just got considerably easier & B is excited to get time with her other aunt.
Maybe more importantly, she is climbing out from beneath the strongarm of what amounts to a cult. There is hope. While mom is a lost cause there is a good chance that the three of us can eventually pull together a mostly sane family. 3 sisters...their kids...their kids significant others...their grandkids...
There's hope.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Elmo Doesn't Live Here Anymore
My baby is so not a baby anymore. I mean, I've known this for a long time obviously. I've spent the last year listening to B "want to be a big girl" and playing like one but here's the thing, she'd always revert back just a bit. She'd go to school like a big girl but then come home & curl up under her Elmo blanket, to watch Elmo. There is no greater love than that shared between B & Elmo. Or there was no greater love. Elmo no longer matters.
Yesterday while looking at backpacks she was campaigning HEAVILY for a High School Musical bag. I refused not because I've banned all things HSM related, but because she's the baby. My baby can't possibly walk out the door with "Troyd" strapped to her back.
Can she?
B is going into kindergarten, the grade Emmy has just graduated so I thought hard. I thought about how big Emmy looked to me all last year & how big all of her friends seemed to. I thought about how it really was a world of HSM, Hannah Montana & Barbie. Disney Princesses seem reserved for PreK girls now.
Kindergarten. Home to slumber parties, birthday parties, movie dates, etc.
This is where my baby is now going. She is officially a big girl.
We comprimised & she left the store with a Hannah Montana backpack. I can't stand Hannah but B loves her solely based on the singing aspect. Singing Hannah has replaced singing Elmo in B's heart.
At least Hannah is a better example than that Miley chick, right?
Yesterday while looking at backpacks she was campaigning HEAVILY for a High School Musical bag. I refused not because I've banned all things HSM related, but because she's the baby. My baby can't possibly walk out the door with "Troyd" strapped to her back.
Can she?
B is going into kindergarten, the grade Emmy has just graduated so I thought hard. I thought about how big Emmy looked to me all last year & how big all of her friends seemed to. I thought about how it really was a world of HSM, Hannah Montana & Barbie. Disney Princesses seem reserved for PreK girls now.
Kindergarten. Home to slumber parties, birthday parties, movie dates, etc.
This is where my baby is now going. She is officially a big girl.
We comprimised & she left the store with a Hannah Montana backpack. I can't stand Hannah but B loves her solely based on the singing aspect. Singing Hannah has replaced singing Elmo in B's heart.
At least Hannah is a better example than that Miley chick, right?
Monday, August 11, 2008
What Has Been Lost?
Every week Alicia posts a topic & myriad's of people take & blog it. You can find more HERE.
This week's topic:
WHAT HAS BEEN LOST?
I could go ridiculously deep with this one but quite honestly, I have no desire. I've done it to death already. The topic really does fit exactly how I'm feeling today though, just in a bit of a different way.
I'm generally all for structure & schedules when it comes to the kids. Always have been a real stickler since babyhood because smart moms know, schedules WORK. Conditioning kids helps them to find a groove, not just you. Coming off of the overscheduled school year I decided to just let the kids sort of "be" this summer. I debated & made calls about a few different activities & sort of just let it all float to the side. Let them play. Let them rest. Let them set there own pace. Let them stay up late. Let them sleep late. Let them be. It is only for two months & then we'll return to 3 trips a day to drop off/pick up at school & dance lessons & god knows what else.
This plan has ultimately worked, I think. I can say for certain that they have had a really good summer & I know with equal certainty that if asked, they'd readily agree. Mission accomplished & I'm happy about that. But, we are all dead from it. The kids are OVER it & need structure desperately. This week I really see it as they are fighting nonstop. Usually they are the kids that if I take them out with me alone in public, they're angels. Not now. I took them this morning to look for (as in NOT find) shoes & backpacks. Found the backpacks but it was a full session in hell for me, maybe even them. Constant bickering, a few shoving matches & two out of three actually got smacked by a sister. Whose kids are these?
It proves me general belief in structure & scheduling has been right on the money.
So they're ready to go back to school. I realized this morning that I'm feeling like somewhere in the last two months I've really kind of lost myself, again. I say again because any mother will tell you that if you don't make yourself a priority there comes a point when you don't recognize yourself. It's a recurring theme after having kids & the best thing you can do is to take good care of yourself & be self aware on a daily basis.
But here I am, a bit lost. We were out this morning & the time frame followed my normal morning school schedule. I grabbed coffee at the same Starbucks as always, at my normal time. Ran into a bunch of familiar faces & thought, I MISS THIS. I need my normalcy back again. I need those 5 minute conversations here & there in between the school hustle in the morning. I need to begin to rebuild my days, around theirs again. I'm lonely. How insane is that? Rarely alone, but lonely. I've traded in daily face to face adult interactions for nonstop chats with kids under the age of 8 & after 2 months my brain feels like mush. I miss Miss Maribeth Emmy's former & B's now teacher that I talked to daily. I miss the other school moms even though I talk to a few still. I miss the regular coffee barista & I miss various other people that for 10 months will pop up daily & make my life feel normal & routine. Routines bring me comfort. I think I'm really noticing it because after 3 back to back babies I spent years having to focus on babies while out. Now I have finally flipped the page & CAN interact with adults while watching big girls.
I feel panicky this morning because I realize how much I NEED to go back to normal.In 3 short weeks everythin g resumes, they'll strap on their Mary Janes & uniforms and head back, I'll be starting school myself & I'll be cramming my marathon training into early, EARLY mornings whenever possible.
All will be right in my little world then but for now, I feel LOST.
This week's topic:
WHAT HAS BEEN LOST?
I could go ridiculously deep with this one but quite honestly, I have no desire. I've done it to death already. The topic really does fit exactly how I'm feeling today though, just in a bit of a different way.
I'm generally all for structure & schedules when it comes to the kids. Always have been a real stickler since babyhood because smart moms know, schedules WORK. Conditioning kids helps them to find a groove, not just you. Coming off of the overscheduled school year I decided to just let the kids sort of "be" this summer. I debated & made calls about a few different activities & sort of just let it all float to the side. Let them play. Let them rest. Let them set there own pace. Let them stay up late. Let them sleep late. Let them be. It is only for two months & then we'll return to 3 trips a day to drop off/pick up at school & dance lessons & god knows what else.
This plan has ultimately worked, I think. I can say for certain that they have had a really good summer & I know with equal certainty that if asked, they'd readily agree. Mission accomplished & I'm happy about that. But, we are all dead from it. The kids are OVER it & need structure desperately. This week I really see it as they are fighting nonstop. Usually they are the kids that if I take them out with me alone in public, they're angels. Not now. I took them this morning to look for (as in NOT find) shoes & backpacks. Found the backpacks but it was a full session in hell for me, maybe even them. Constant bickering, a few shoving matches & two out of three actually got smacked by a sister. Whose kids are these?
It proves me general belief in structure & scheduling has been right on the money.
So they're ready to go back to school. I realized this morning that I'm feeling like somewhere in the last two months I've really kind of lost myself, again. I say again because any mother will tell you that if you don't make yourself a priority there comes a point when you don't recognize yourself. It's a recurring theme after having kids & the best thing you can do is to take good care of yourself & be self aware on a daily basis.
But here I am, a bit lost. We were out this morning & the time frame followed my normal morning school schedule. I grabbed coffee at the same Starbucks as always, at my normal time. Ran into a bunch of familiar faces & thought, I MISS THIS. I need my normalcy back again. I need those 5 minute conversations here & there in between the school hustle in the morning. I need to begin to rebuild my days, around theirs again. I'm lonely. How insane is that? Rarely alone, but lonely. I've traded in daily face to face adult interactions for nonstop chats with kids under the age of 8 & after 2 months my brain feels like mush. I miss Miss Maribeth Emmy's former & B's now teacher that I talked to daily. I miss the other school moms even though I talk to a few still. I miss the regular coffee barista & I miss various other people that for 10 months will pop up daily & make my life feel normal & routine. Routines bring me comfort. I think I'm really noticing it because after 3 back to back babies I spent years having to focus on babies while out. Now I have finally flipped the page & CAN interact with adults while watching big girls.
I feel panicky this morning because I realize how much I NEED to go back to normal.In 3 short weeks everythin g resumes, they'll strap on their Mary Janes & uniforms and head back, I'll be starting school myself & I'll be cramming my marathon training into early, EARLY mornings whenever possible.
All will be right in my little world then but for now, I feel LOST.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Passing Thoughts While Painting
Hi there. I love coffee. I hate mushrooms and beans. I am better at arguing than you. You are better at cleaning out the fridge than me. I think LL Cool J videos are the perverbial bomb. I sing, badly. I am a sarcastic fuck. Fat girls asses in bikinis look like a hundred pounds of chewed bubble gum. I'd rather try to get smoke inside of a glass bottle using a baseball bat than listen to someone complain. I wish I was a pole dancer just so I could say "I'm a stripper" when asked what I do for a living, then step back and watch the inevitable bad reaction. I believe in treating people how you want to be treated. I brush my teeth with hot water. I am a sucker for reality tv. Going to church doesn't make you any more a Christian than going to the garage makes you a car. I am busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. Materialistic people crack me up, because they actually think they are happy. Thinking that we are the only ones in the universe makes you nuttier than a squirrel terd. American Psycho and Silence of the Lambs should be in the comedy section of Blockbuster right next to Starship Troopers & all The Mummy movies. . I have to watch TV with the remote in my hand, or else I feel like I'm swimming with one flipper on. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. Pop Up Video should NOT have been canceled. Saying "thank you" and "please" is extremely important. I pretty much live for music and humor. Those dating phone service commercials on late at night always feature fugly chicks from 1987. If you let your friends drive drunk, you have no soul. I think shit-talking on the internet is about as useful as trying to kill an elephant by throwing a tic tac at it. I love people watching at bars. People look funny when they're mad. I WILL beat you at your own game. The fact that Bill Paxton was killed by an Alien, the Predator, AND the Terminator should AUTOMATICALLY qualify him for an academy award. Holidays are over-rated. Dave Chappelle is a viable GENIUS. I love the beach. I'd like to watch Gary Busey and Rosie O'donnell grind each other on a dance floor to a Billy Ocean tribute band. I love Vanilla everything. Laughter can cure more than you think. Fast food is so bad for you, but sooooo good. Spell check is one of the best inventions next to the wheel. . Paul Walker is about as good of an actor as Keanu Reeves. I wish I could use the Jedi mind trick on people. I think humans should fling poo at each other like monkeys do when they get angry. The "25 year old balding/comb over jacuzzi mcdougal", and the "Drunk white girl who can't dance" are the best people to stare at while at a club. Money doesn't impress me. When I say I'm home alone I usually mean that it's just me...with the 3 kids, 5 cats & dog.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
I'll Give You Something Different
Because if you know me at all obvious answers are easy.
Nine ways to win my heart...
- Be nice to me, it's really that simple.
- Make me think. Challenge the things that I think I already am sure I believe.
- If I am wrong about something clue me in without making me feel like a total dumbass.
- Cater to my love of coffee.
- Understand that you'll likely never come first but that doesn't mean that you won't be well cared for.
- Let me watch you & realize that you treat everyone as kindly as you do me.
- Venting is allowed, chronic negativity is not.
- Act like a grown up that is comfortable in their skin & knows exactly what they want.
- If you can make me laugh when things are REALLY bad, well then you're worth your weight in gold.
Eight things I want to do before I die...
- Raise three kids that graduate school & begin good adult lives before making me a grandmother.
- Um yeah, the grandmother thing.
- Run that friggin marathon.
- Spend more than a week straight lounging on a beach. Maybe rent a house for a summer. Maybe move closer to the beach.
- Travel. London, the south of France, Ireland here I come.
- Grow old with the love of my life.
- To do enough good that leaves me actually feeling like I HAVE done good & been a good person.
- Dance! Ding da ding ding ding.
Seven ways to annoy me...
- Be two-faced
- Talk to me as if you're dealing with a child
- Lie to me, get caught & still try & make excuses
- Treat others with complete disrespect right in front of me.
- Constantly see your glass as only an inch full
- Incessant bitching. Really, no matter how bad you think it is, it's NOT THAT BAD.
- Self Absorption is just so damn annoying. Get over yourself.
Six things I believe in...
- Karma.
- The power of kindness.
- Karma.
- A good cup of coffee can make most anything a little better.
- Karma.
- Pay It Forward.
Five things I am afraid of...
- Spiders
- Outliving my kids
- Not setting a good enough example
- Finding one centipede because I know they travel in twos
- Standing in my own way
Four of my favorite things...
- B blowing me kisses
- Kittens on my lap
- Bunny slippers
- peanut butter ice cream
Three things I do everyday...
- Listen to my ipod
- Log in to Myspace
- Read- something, anything.
Two things I want to do right now..
- Work out
- Click my heels and have a clean house
One person I want to see right now...
- CrushCrushCrush
Nine ways to win my heart...
- Be nice to me, it's really that simple.
- Make me think. Challenge the things that I think I already am sure I believe.
- If I am wrong about something clue me in without making me feel like a total dumbass.
- Cater to my love of coffee.
- Understand that you'll likely never come first but that doesn't mean that you won't be well cared for.
- Let me watch you & realize that you treat everyone as kindly as you do me.
- Venting is allowed, chronic negativity is not.
- Act like a grown up that is comfortable in their skin & knows exactly what they want.
- If you can make me laugh when things are REALLY bad, well then you're worth your weight in gold.
Eight things I want to do before I die...
- Raise three kids that graduate school & begin good adult lives before making me a grandmother.
- Um yeah, the grandmother thing.
- Run that friggin marathon.
- Spend more than a week straight lounging on a beach. Maybe rent a house for a summer. Maybe move closer to the beach.
- Travel. London, the south of France, Ireland here I come.
- Grow old with the love of my life.
- To do enough good that leaves me actually feeling like I HAVE done good & been a good person.
- Dance! Ding da ding ding ding.
Seven ways to annoy me...
- Be two-faced
- Talk to me as if you're dealing with a child
- Lie to me, get caught & still try & make excuses
- Treat others with complete disrespect right in front of me.
- Constantly see your glass as only an inch full
- Incessant bitching. Really, no matter how bad you think it is, it's NOT THAT BAD.
- Self Absorption is just so damn annoying. Get over yourself.
Six things I believe in...
- Karma.
- The power of kindness.
- Karma.
- A good cup of coffee can make most anything a little better.
- Karma.
- Pay It Forward.
Five things I am afraid of...
- Spiders
- Outliving my kids
- Not setting a good enough example
- Finding one centipede because I know they travel in twos
- Standing in my own way
Four of my favorite things...
- B blowing me kisses
- Kittens on my lap
- Bunny slippers
- peanut butter ice cream
Three things I do everyday...
- Listen to my ipod
- Log in to Myspace
- Read- something, anything.
Two things I want to do right now..
- Work out
- Click my heels and have a clean house
One person I want to see right now...
- CrushCrushCrush
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Random Acts
Every week Alicia posts a new topic for the Group Blogging Experience and bunches of people take the topic and run with it. This week it's about Random Acts of Kindness.
I think when you are generally a kind person, doing the little things that make a difference come naturally. Is it memorable when being aware of the needs of others is a way of life? Do you remember every nice thing you've done, every way that you've extended yourself to a complete stranger? I know that I do things all the time and I never think anything of it because it is simply, what I do.
On the flip side, I'm always very surprised when someone goes out of their way for me or surprises me with a bit of kindness. This past year or so I've been more aware of little gestures and kindnesses directed towards me or the kids. Just this morning I was out for my run & had stopped to catch my breath. I was the typical puffing runner regrouping to begin again and a little old lady was walking down the street towards me. She asked if I was ok. Of course I was fine, but that she thought to check was sweet.
Last winter while doing school runs there were a few really BAD days where I had to toss the kids onto the bus to get them home. Not a big deal to me at all. It's a 5 minute wait 2 blocks from the school, we'd wait 5 minutes to change buses in town and then get dropped nearly at our doorstep. It is not a big deal to me. Some would look at it and think OMG, it's snowy, it's cold. I just kept thinking thank god there was no waiting time & it was a really fast transition. What I found was that bus drivers are ridiculously kind to women juggling three bubbly yet respectful girls. I rarely had to pay, ended up with extra transfers just in case and bonded with a few dads with girls my kids ages. In this scenario the one day I was not taking that bus home but the driver later told me that he pulled over and "waited, just in case" we were late. Simple, simple gesture but it meant a lot. When the kids were going thru their various graduation ceremonies in June my sister, the girls & I were walking to the car. It was B's graduation, everyone was dressed, along came the bus with it's usual driver. He actually stopped, opened the door & congratulated B.
Silly little things, but they are memorable. They can change the entire course of your day. It shows that you really do exist. You're here, people notice and in that moment for whatever reason, you matter.
I'll bet everyone has some simple things stored that they've carried with them forever. What is the nicest thing someone has done for you?
I think when you are generally a kind person, doing the little things that make a difference come naturally. Is it memorable when being aware of the needs of others is a way of life? Do you remember every nice thing you've done, every way that you've extended yourself to a complete stranger? I know that I do things all the time and I never think anything of it because it is simply, what I do.
On the flip side, I'm always very surprised when someone goes out of their way for me or surprises me with a bit of kindness. This past year or so I've been more aware of little gestures and kindnesses directed towards me or the kids. Just this morning I was out for my run & had stopped to catch my breath. I was the typical puffing runner regrouping to begin again and a little old lady was walking down the street towards me. She asked if I was ok. Of course I was fine, but that she thought to check was sweet.
Last winter while doing school runs there were a few really BAD days where I had to toss the kids onto the bus to get them home. Not a big deal to me at all. It's a 5 minute wait 2 blocks from the school, we'd wait 5 minutes to change buses in town and then get dropped nearly at our doorstep. It is not a big deal to me. Some would look at it and think OMG, it's snowy, it's cold. I just kept thinking thank god there was no waiting time & it was a really fast transition. What I found was that bus drivers are ridiculously kind to women juggling three bubbly yet respectful girls. I rarely had to pay, ended up with extra transfers just in case and bonded with a few dads with girls my kids ages. In this scenario the one day I was not taking that bus home but the driver later told me that he pulled over and "waited, just in case" we were late. Simple, simple gesture but it meant a lot. When the kids were going thru their various graduation ceremonies in June my sister, the girls & I were walking to the car. It was B's graduation, everyone was dressed, along came the bus with it's usual driver. He actually stopped, opened the door & congratulated B.
Silly little things, but they are memorable. They can change the entire course of your day. It shows that you really do exist. You're here, people notice and in that moment for whatever reason, you matter.
I'll bet everyone has some simple things stored that they've carried with them forever. What is the nicest thing someone has done for you?
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I Want To Believe: Subtitled What The Hell Is THIS Mess??
Here I am. I am going to actually sit here & write something. Really. Maybe I shoul;d start with now & go backwards. I saw The X-Files movie last night with J. If you didn't see it and intend to I cannot vent without spoilers so be warned.
Oh my hell. What an absolutely shiteous film. I am a fan of the show. I started watching arou nd season three and saw it right to the end, then last winter we revisted X-Files & rented every single season on DVD for the warm & fuzzy feeling the show gives. The writing was consistently excellent. The stories & concepts were unreal and everything always tied together. You might have to wait two seasons but every loose end was always revisited in a satisfying way. Loved it. Love it still.
I perfect6ed reading reviews of the movie without getting any storyline. I wanted to walk in clueless and form my own opinion. I wanted to not know what would happen next. I knew the reviews were not great & it has tanked financially but I figured I'd love it anyway. Same cast, same creators, same writers & producers. These people KNOW the backstory & they KNOW the characters.
Holy fuck. Holy fucking hell. TV episodes that I thought were "eh" were better than that shit I saw. It made me very sad after I finished being pissed off because after all, we waited 8 years for this. For THIS? this was the best lame plot & script that these previous geniuses could come up with? They should have left well enough alone then.
I admit I was worried because by the end of the series nearly every character was killed off. Every bad guy, every extra agent, poof- bang- dead. We were left with Scully, Molder & their awesome boss, Skinner.
Skinner made an appearance for all of 5 minutes! He was vital to the series & 5 minutes of screentime was an insult to the character & the actor, Mitch Peleggi. Instead there was this revolving roster of agents and other people that I could careless about. Agent whatsherface played badly by Amanda Peet bit it & my only regret was that they let her partner continue running bad lines for the rest of the movie. Why the hell they cast Xhibit in that part is way far beyond me. Perhaps they were taking a cue from SVU but shit man, Ice-T and Ludacris can actually act.
X-Files, it's all about the paranormal. Doesn't everyone know that even if they've never seen a minute? Sure, right? This story had NOTHING to do with the paranormal. Instead it was a pediphile priest having "visions" of where dead bodies might be. Just one alien. Please, can we unbury just one beneath the snow?? Please? What the hell? sex crimes, Frankensteins lab Vs. stem Cell research was what we got instead.
Not one single possibility of an abduction. Zilch.
When I think of all the directions they could have gone in with government conspiracy theories I could cry. The show folded BEFORE 9-11. Possibilities for plot advancement were EVERYWHERE. I thought J was liking it and then the final credits popped up. I looked over & he was making the face that is usually saved for tasting sour milk. We both were bitching before even opening the theatre door to get out into the hallway.
So disappointing.
The beach in a nutshell was a great break in spite of bizarre weather. Riptide consitions were present & for the first time ever the ocean really felt like a massive force to me. It was stronger & faster than usual leaving me a bit paranoid about the kids. I logged lots of boardwalk miles and spent major time on the balcony breathing in the air. I kind of liked to see it dark & moody looking. Figures huh? It was just different & we all know how much I like different.
We took the kids to the Rainforest Cafe which they loved as usual. That was my first encounter with a Jersey guy that shocked me. Our waiter heavily favored me, okay he pretty much only addressed me. But he kept standing to the left of my chair, he'd put his hand on the back of my chair & by the time we hit dessert I was getting a mini massage every few minutes. There J sat across from me, seemingly unaware.
The second instance was at eden Gourmet in the mall on the boardwalk. We all walked in & the place is awesome, fresh brewed coffee, gelato, organic stuff, Italian products, bakery...We get in the door & the manager looks at me and says we all need smoothies, meaning the girls I thought. So he starts mixing up mini strawberry smoothies for them and eventually me. He starts chatting & is a runner. He saw me looking at sports drinks, etc. J was like, ten feet away engrossed in pesto in jars. The guy actually told me what time he'd be off work and told me to come back if I'd be "available". He was actually very cute, around my age & the kind of guy I'd go for if single. I was joking with Kiki that I'd see how my day went and decide later.
My last night there I went back to the mall intending to get pictures from the upper deck over the water. I'm on the phone with Kiki when I hear an alarm, one exactly like the alarm from last years trip.
A fire emergency has been reported in the building. Find the nearest exit while we investigate.
Mass exodus on the run, LOL
Definite pattern forming here!
Okay, more catch up in a bit.
Oh my hell. What an absolutely shiteous film. I am a fan of the show. I started watching arou nd season three and saw it right to the end, then last winter we revisted X-Files & rented every single season on DVD for the warm & fuzzy feeling the show gives. The writing was consistently excellent. The stories & concepts were unreal and everything always tied together. You might have to wait two seasons but every loose end was always revisited in a satisfying way. Loved it. Love it still.
I perfect6ed reading reviews of the movie without getting any storyline. I wanted to walk in clueless and form my own opinion. I wanted to not know what would happen next. I knew the reviews were not great & it has tanked financially but I figured I'd love it anyway. Same cast, same creators, same writers & producers. These people KNOW the backstory & they KNOW the characters.
Holy fuck. Holy fucking hell. TV episodes that I thought were "eh" were better than that shit I saw. It made me very sad after I finished being pissed off because after all, we waited 8 years for this. For THIS? this was the best lame plot & script that these previous geniuses could come up with? They should have left well enough alone then.
I admit I was worried because by the end of the series nearly every character was killed off. Every bad guy, every extra agent, poof- bang- dead. We were left with Scully, Molder & their awesome boss, Skinner.
Skinner made an appearance for all of 5 minutes! He was vital to the series & 5 minutes of screentime was an insult to the character & the actor, Mitch Peleggi. Instead there was this revolving roster of agents and other people that I could careless about. Agent whatsherface played badly by Amanda Peet bit it & my only regret was that they let her partner continue running bad lines for the rest of the movie. Why the hell they cast Xhibit in that part is way far beyond me. Perhaps they were taking a cue from SVU but shit man, Ice-T and Ludacris can actually act.
X-Files, it's all about the paranormal. Doesn't everyone know that even if they've never seen a minute? Sure, right? This story had NOTHING to do with the paranormal. Instead it was a pediphile priest having "visions" of where dead bodies might be. Just one alien. Please, can we unbury just one beneath the snow?? Please? What the hell? sex crimes, Frankensteins lab Vs. stem Cell research was what we got instead.
Not one single possibility of an abduction. Zilch.
When I think of all the directions they could have gone in with government conspiracy theories I could cry. The show folded BEFORE 9-11. Possibilities for plot advancement were EVERYWHERE. I thought J was liking it and then the final credits popped up. I looked over & he was making the face that is usually saved for tasting sour milk. We both were bitching before even opening the theatre door to get out into the hallway.
So disappointing.
The beach in a nutshell was a great break in spite of bizarre weather. Riptide consitions were present & for the first time ever the ocean really felt like a massive force to me. It was stronger & faster than usual leaving me a bit paranoid about the kids. I logged lots of boardwalk miles and spent major time on the balcony breathing in the air. I kind of liked to see it dark & moody looking. Figures huh? It was just different & we all know how much I like different.
We took the kids to the Rainforest Cafe which they loved as usual. That was my first encounter with a Jersey guy that shocked me. Our waiter heavily favored me, okay he pretty much only addressed me. But he kept standing to the left of my chair, he'd put his hand on the back of my chair & by the time we hit dessert I was getting a mini massage every few minutes. There J sat across from me, seemingly unaware.
The second instance was at eden Gourmet in the mall on the boardwalk. We all walked in & the place is awesome, fresh brewed coffee, gelato, organic stuff, Italian products, bakery...We get in the door & the manager looks at me and says we all need smoothies, meaning the girls I thought. So he starts mixing up mini strawberry smoothies for them and eventually me. He starts chatting & is a runner. He saw me looking at sports drinks, etc. J was like, ten feet away engrossed in pesto in jars. The guy actually told me what time he'd be off work and told me to come back if I'd be "available". He was actually very cute, around my age & the kind of guy I'd go for if single. I was joking with Kiki that I'd see how my day went and decide later.
My last night there I went back to the mall intending to get pictures from the upper deck over the water. I'm on the phone with Kiki when I hear an alarm, one exactly like the alarm from last years trip.
A fire emergency has been reported in the building. Find the nearest exit while we investigate.
Mass exodus on the run, LOL
Definite pattern forming here!
Okay, more catch up in a bit.
Monday, August 4, 2008
If You're On The Boardwalk, It's Best You WALK
See that blob of gray up there? No, it's not a missed shot. I was standing outside my hotel room at 6am about to go for a run. THAT was my non-view. If it was clear you'd be seeing the boardwalk below me. Once I got down to the boardwalk I found that I could see maybe 10 feet in front of my face and lack of visibility doesn't stop early risers from running or biking. I also discovered that a wet boardwalk coated in mist & fog is FUKCING slippery to run on. I'm not sure what I actually was in because I didn't feel wet until I went to rub my eye & realized my eyes & eyelashes were saturated.
I also realized that a boardwalk run is WAY worse on your legs that my normal routine. I'm normally going uphill which is hard to breathe, downhill which is way harder on the legs & muscles. Boardwalk equals no spring & running on wood after the fact- hurts. I got up our second morning there my feet hit the floor & my calves caved from pain.
Seriously.
Days later I'm still waddling around. I'm thinking it's maybe good that I don't live in Jersey. I wouldn't be nearly as healthy.
More vaca tion stuff is coming. If I owe you an email it's coming too :)
I also realized that a boardwalk run is WAY worse on your legs that my normal routine. I'm normally going uphill which is hard to breathe, downhill which is way harder on the legs & muscles. Boardwalk equals no spring & running on wood after the fact- hurts. I got up our second morning there my feet hit the floor & my calves caved from pain.
Seriously.
Days later I'm still waddling around. I'm thinking it's maybe good that I don't live in Jersey. I wouldn't be nearly as healthy.
More vaca tion stuff is coming. If I owe you an email it's coming too :)
Monday, July 28, 2008
Awesomely Bad Songs On My Ipod
A few weeks ago Kiki called me & said that she & our other sister were making each other CD's full of the worst songs ever as a joke. She needed suggestions & then asked what's on my ipod! To her most of my 80's stuff would be awesomely bad. Any hairband would be awesomely bad too. This morning while running I was flipping thru shuffle & realized just how many TRULY awful songs I own that NO ONE should admit to liking a single beat of let alone actually downloading & syncing. Here's some of my very worst.
I'll be brave...
Ring My Bell- you know that disco song from the 70's by the chick that can't sing?
Dance Hall Days by wang Chung. Why do I have this, I hate it!
Easy Lover by Phil Collins & Phillip Bailey. You know, back when Phil Collins looked like a greasy little rodent before he married the younger chick that helped him find soap, a stylist & a good haircut?
He Said, She Said by Ashley Tisdale. I like the chorus too much. Not enough to justify the three versions of it that I own though.
Hey Nineteen by Steeley Dan because it reminds me of the Solid Gold Dancers.
Come Clean by Hilary Duff. I think I saw the video so many times on the Disney Channel a few years ago that they actually convinced me that it was a real song.
I Hate U by Prince- the extended extra dirty mix.
I Wanna Be Bad by Willa Ford who dated the Backstreet Boy that beat Paris Hilton's face in. Yeah, her.
Michael McDonald's Ya Mo Be There because, well, I'm not sure.
We Don't Need Another Hero by Tina Turner. I'm not sure where this came from.
Then there's the batch of 80's girl groups that made club tunes. Expose, Sweet Sensation & The Cover Girls. I think I have every song ever made by all of them.
My sister would add Cutting Crews I Just Died In Your Arms Tonite to this list. I'll add that song, but the version by Jay-Z.
**Shudders**
Okay, I was brave, now it's your turn. Tell me some of the embarrassing stuff on your ipod!
I'll be brave...
Ring My Bell- you know that disco song from the 70's by the chick that can't sing?
Dance Hall Days by wang Chung. Why do I have this, I hate it!
Easy Lover by Phil Collins & Phillip Bailey. You know, back when Phil Collins looked like a greasy little rodent before he married the younger chick that helped him find soap, a stylist & a good haircut?
He Said, She Said by Ashley Tisdale. I like the chorus too much. Not enough to justify the three versions of it that I own though.
Hey Nineteen by Steeley Dan because it reminds me of the Solid Gold Dancers.
Come Clean by Hilary Duff. I think I saw the video so many times on the Disney Channel a few years ago that they actually convinced me that it was a real song.
I Hate U by Prince- the extended extra dirty mix.
I Wanna Be Bad by Willa Ford who dated the Backstreet Boy that beat Paris Hilton's face in. Yeah, her.
Michael McDonald's Ya Mo Be There because, well, I'm not sure.
We Don't Need Another Hero by Tina Turner. I'm not sure where this came from.
Then there's the batch of 80's girl groups that made club tunes. Expose, Sweet Sensation & The Cover Girls. I think I have every song ever made by all of them.
My sister would add Cutting Crews I Just Died In Your Arms Tonite to this list. I'll add that song, but the version by Jay-Z.
**Shudders**
Okay, I was brave, now it's your turn. Tell me some of the embarrassing stuff on your ipod!
Friday, July 25, 2008
In Three Days
Every week Alicia posts a new blogging topic and this weeks' just so happens to be...Vacations.
Could the timing be better considering we leave in three days for the beach? This year I'm feeling extra grateful that we're even going. Jobs have changed, the downstairs of my house was just completely redone from floor to ceiling & well gas prices are insane. Not to mention the cost of raising three divas that KNOW they are princesses.
Vacations were all but impossible during the back-to-back baby years. Even if offered I don't think I would have wanted to drive 4 hours with two babies born 11 months apart AND a toddler just to sit in sweltering heat & push a double stroller on the boardwalk. I think that might have been a bit hellish. In those days breaks were essential to everyday life & everyday bits of normalcy were essential to sanity. I'd stash myself away in the bathroom to read a book. I'd put the kids to bed & drag myself out onto the porch apple martini in hand to just breathe in the night air. I'd stay up extra late because it was the only time when I could hear myself think. Silence was golden and alone time was far more valuable than sleep.
Fastforward a few years and here we are. I still have three little girls but excursions and vacations are more than a head trip again! The beach is my favorite place on earth. Nothing feels TOO bad as long as sand is between my toes
I love taking the kids out early and letting them be the first ones to make footprints, trace sand hearts and attempt to build castles.
The fact that the water bubbles and gets all "fizzy" never gets old either.
My favorite part? Running alone on the boardwalk at 6am. Crazy huh? Seriously though, I love being OUT at such an early hour and being surrounded by other work out nuts. I love that with the sun still rising there is a weird blue cast over the water that only shows in photos at this time of day.
So in three days we'll be packing everyone up, anticipating making more memories like this one from last year:
Could the timing be better considering we leave in three days for the beach? This year I'm feeling extra grateful that we're even going. Jobs have changed, the downstairs of my house was just completely redone from floor to ceiling & well gas prices are insane. Not to mention the cost of raising three divas that KNOW they are princesses.
Vacations were all but impossible during the back-to-back baby years. Even if offered I don't think I would have wanted to drive 4 hours with two babies born 11 months apart AND a toddler just to sit in sweltering heat & push a double stroller on the boardwalk. I think that might have been a bit hellish. In those days breaks were essential to everyday life & everyday bits of normalcy were essential to sanity. I'd stash myself away in the bathroom to read a book. I'd put the kids to bed & drag myself out onto the porch apple martini in hand to just breathe in the night air. I'd stay up extra late because it was the only time when I could hear myself think. Silence was golden and alone time was far more valuable than sleep.
Fastforward a few years and here we are. I still have three little girls but excursions and vacations are more than a head trip again! The beach is my favorite place on earth. Nothing feels TOO bad as long as sand is between my toes
I love taking the kids out early and letting them be the first ones to make footprints, trace sand hearts and attempt to build castles.
The fact that the water bubbles and gets all "fizzy" never gets old either.
My favorite part? Running alone on the boardwalk at 6am. Crazy huh? Seriously though, I love being OUT at such an early hour and being surrounded by other work out nuts. I love that with the sun still rising there is a weird blue cast over the water that only shows in photos at this time of day.
So in three days we'll be packing everyone up, anticipating making more memories like this one from last year:
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Dumbest Thing I've Ever Done?
So I'm in hell. No really, 2 day migraine with no end in sight. The dining room is up to THREE coats of paint & still not covered enough. The kids fought so bad at 8am yesterday that I actually unplugged tvs & told them the power was out! They were brawling over Spongebob vs. Miley! It was a nice no tv, use your imagination day actually. Anyway, we decided to shorten the beach trip cause 6 days is too godamn many to be stuck together in a hotel room & I went to call to change our reservation. This is where the Tania-is-a-dumbass part starts. Ya ready?
I have the confirmation number. Have the rates. Have the room details. DO NOT HAVE THE HOTEL PHONE NUMBER and I cannot find it online. They've not charged my creditcard a hold fee yet so it wasn't there. I call J and don't want to admit I'm this dumb so the conversation goes..
Me: remember that link to our hotel that I sent you? Wanna bounce it back to me I need the correct hotel number to change the reservation.
Him: I think I have it but just call the main hotel number & they'll connect you to the correct one.
Sure. Except I DON'T KNOW WHAT FREAKIN HOTEL IT IS!
See? Total assclown dumbass!
40 minutes later I was pouring thru phone records, my cell call history until, VOILA', there was the Jersey 609 area code! I shortened our stay and more importantly, I wrote it ALL down.
Now anyway.
I have the confirmation number. Have the rates. Have the room details. DO NOT HAVE THE HOTEL PHONE NUMBER and I cannot find it online. They've not charged my creditcard a hold fee yet so it wasn't there. I call J and don't want to admit I'm this dumb so the conversation goes..
Me: remember that link to our hotel that I sent you? Wanna bounce it back to me I need the correct hotel number to change the reservation.
Him: I think I have it but just call the main hotel number & they'll connect you to the correct one.
Sure. Except I DON'T KNOW WHAT FREAKIN HOTEL IT IS!
See? Total assclown dumbass!
40 minutes later I was pouring thru phone records, my cell call history until, VOILA', there was the Jersey 609 area code! I shortened our stay and more importantly, I wrote it ALL down.
Now anyway.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
I Could Write Every Day About Emmy
Seriously. I could make a children's book out of living with her. She's like a cartoon character/teenager stuck in the body of a small girl. She's like a watchdog lately kicking her sisters out of the living room if they have food, telling everyone how to be nice, watching over B like a little mommy. The new thing is that if anyone says any remotely bad words they are informed by Em that they've all but committed a felony. Very matter of factly. The other day something happened & I started to say, "Oh F-F-F" and stopped myself. Emmy says outloud, "We do not say fuck that is a very bad word mom"
Kiki & I were both stunned, amused and then informed Em not to say it either. Like, ever.
This is the frequent Emmy:
Nutsy, happy but with a freakin bizarre sense of sytle. She is following Bridget logic. It's 95 degrees so she wore a hat & gloves all day! B wears her kitty boots when it's dry & sunglasses in the rain. See what I'm contending with here?
Anyway, the other day we were driving & Emmy got mad about something so she decided to piss Maya off. She told Maya that she has a big butt & Maya started to actually cry. I expected her to smack her but the meltdown was shocking. We were on our way to Wendy's & Kiki informed the kids that Maya & B were getting a Frosty but Em was not because she upset Maya.
Well, the drama. She got her kids meal, but no Frosty. She asked where hers was & was reminded that she was not getting one. She refused to eat for a good 5 minutes until I was getting up to "give back" her food. Then I got the glare down for the rest of our time there.
See?
She was furious & I was too far gone to really care much. Instead I was amused & took pictures :)
Kiki & I were both stunned, amused and then informed Em not to say it either. Like, ever.
This is the frequent Emmy:
Nutsy, happy but with a freakin bizarre sense of sytle. She is following Bridget logic. It's 95 degrees so she wore a hat & gloves all day! B wears her kitty boots when it's dry & sunglasses in the rain. See what I'm contending with here?
Anyway, the other day we were driving & Emmy got mad about something so she decided to piss Maya off. She told Maya that she has a big butt & Maya started to actually cry. I expected her to smack her but the meltdown was shocking. We were on our way to Wendy's & Kiki informed the kids that Maya & B were getting a Frosty but Em was not because she upset Maya.
Well, the drama. She got her kids meal, but no Frosty. She asked where hers was & was reminded that she was not getting one. She refused to eat for a good 5 minutes until I was getting up to "give back" her food. Then I got the glare down for the rest of our time there.
See?
She was furious & I was too far gone to really care much. Instead I was amused & took pictures :)
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Old World Practices VS. Emmy
So there was a moment the other day between Emmy & J. He said something to her and her response was to stick her tongue out as a joke. He immediately snapped into super serious mode and chastised her for sticking her tongue out. His family is very old world and the old world culture was ingrained in all of them. Apparently sticking your tongue out is thought of as extremely rude. I had no idea but, whatever. I'll roll with that because if a chunk of the population takes serious offense at something then it's better they don't do it. Especially something as silly ultimately as that.
Yesterday we stopped in Walgreens & Em wanted the $3.20 (no lie) 4 pack of pudding. I said no flippin way but DID buy the pudding mix right above it for 40 cents. You get more & it's nearly 3 bucks cheaper. Well she was pissed off and had her arms crossed in front of her and was pouting when not staring holes thru me. Of course stomping was involved. I was highly amused by the over-diva-reaction which only made her madder. B walked out the door of Walgreens and somehow got her foot stuck thru the handle of an empty store back that just so happened to be on the ground. She's walking with the bag attatched to her leg flipping out over the situation and it was hilarious. Maya & I were laughing our heads off. Not Emmy. Nope. Hands folded, eyes rolling, still trying out for STOMP!
We get home & Em is doodling something furiously in her notebook. She rips it out and hands it to me with a smirk.
Yesterday we stopped in Walgreens & Em wanted the $3.20 (no lie) 4 pack of pudding. I said no flippin way but DID buy the pudding mix right above it for 40 cents. You get more & it's nearly 3 bucks cheaper. Well she was pissed off and had her arms crossed in front of her and was pouting when not staring holes thru me. Of course stomping was involved. I was highly amused by the over-diva-reaction which only made her madder. B walked out the door of Walgreens and somehow got her foot stuck thru the handle of an empty store back that just so happened to be on the ground. She's walking with the bag attatched to her leg flipping out over the situation and it was hilarious. Maya & I were laughing our heads off. Not Emmy. Nope. Hands folded, eyes rolling, still trying out for STOMP!
We get home & Em is doodling something furiously in her notebook. She rips it out and hands it to me with a smirk.
Monday, July 7, 2008
And One Time, When I Was Redoing My Living Room...
Oh boy.
You know how timing really is EVERYTHING?
Right, it is.
So today at approximately 3pm J & I drag the couch out the front door & heave it off the front porch. It is basically resting upside down in one of our normal parking spaces. We bagged up ALL the ripped up carpeting & floor padding & put that out there too. I have empty boxes of new flooring stacked on my porch. It is a flippin mess & the hauler was coming at 4pm. Said hauler is running late I found out. Not running late on this lovely July day are the foot police walking the neighborhood looking for, LOOKING for eyesores. Yards should be neat & tidy y'all.
I so shityoumothertruckinnot.
The chick cop was RABID. My neighbor knows her, babysat for her & sat she is a mean bitch, not that I needed that reaffirmed.
Me. Little miss anal about the flowers, things being swept, J having his manshit picked up. Me on the one day where things are less than that.
I almost busted out laughing right in the bitchpatrols face. The friggin irony as I stood there saying, "I have a hauler coming & he's running late..."
She just looked like uh-huh as I offered to SHOW her my mostly completed living room floor with just enough undone to prove it is a brand spankin new endeavor.
Fucking hilarity as I stood on my porch calling J in front of her half laughing on the phone while explaining the situation. Hauler should be here in 45 minutes. If he's not I'm screwed I think, LMAO.
You know how timing really is EVERYTHING?
Right, it is.
So today at approximately 3pm J & I drag the couch out the front door & heave it off the front porch. It is basically resting upside down in one of our normal parking spaces. We bagged up ALL the ripped up carpeting & floor padding & put that out there too. I have empty boxes of new flooring stacked on my porch. It is a flippin mess & the hauler was coming at 4pm. Said hauler is running late I found out. Not running late on this lovely July day are the foot police walking the neighborhood looking for, LOOKING for eyesores. Yards should be neat & tidy y'all.
I so shityoumothertruckinnot.
The chick cop was RABID. My neighbor knows her, babysat for her & sat she is a mean bitch, not that I needed that reaffirmed.
Me. Little miss anal about the flowers, things being swept, J having his manshit picked up. Me on the one day where things are less than that.
I almost busted out laughing right in the bitchpatrols face. The friggin irony as I stood there saying, "I have a hauler coming & he's running late..."
She just looked like uh-huh as I offered to SHOW her my mostly completed living room floor with just enough undone to prove it is a brand spankin new endeavor.
Fucking hilarity as I stood on my porch calling J in front of her half laughing on the phone while explaining the situation. Hauler should be here in 45 minutes. If he's not I'm screwed I think, LMAO.
Friday, July 4, 2008
With A Rebel Yell
Keylogger? Again? I'm not positive but my laptop has been running extremely slow & there was something that kept tripping spybot up yesterday & freezing it. Then last night he saw me & quickly clicked out of a program that looked much like a logger at a distance. Can I be 100 percent sure? No. Do I even care? No. I restored the hardrive because the system CLEARLY had a problem that is now fixed. Otherwise I just don't care because I don't say anything behind anyones back that I wouldn't say to their face.
It's ironic because if he actually spent ANY time with me talking he'd know everything there is to know. Nothing is hidden by any means, he is just to busy selfish to be bothered.
I keep hearing about how uneeded he feels. Well WTF. If you want to be part of the family then stop separating yourself from it then whining about it later.. Act like a 37 year old with a family rather than putting that second. Example, we were going to see fireworks, something that was planned with him. He CHOSE to go and "catch up" with drinking buddies & ended up passed out by 7pm the other night. Needless to say, he did not go & was not part of the family plan. In a way it's fine because I expect it but then to have him come back upset is ridiculous. Get your vices out of your own damn way already.
Oh & I'm a bitch.
No, really? I'm SURE I am at this point. Sure of it. When kindness & intelligence are replaced by booze & slights I'll hate your fucking ass REAL fast.
So this week, he is NOT working. What can make it even more stressful? Home improvements thats what.
I know, I hate you, you hate me so lets rip up some carpeting, lay a new floor, paint the downstairs, etc.
Somebody quick, come & slit my left wrist for me, kay?
I WANT to tackle the project but I don't know HOW we'll get along.
We'll either end up getting along better or someone will be strangled with the measuring tape for real.
It's ironic because if he actually spent ANY time with me talking he'd know everything there is to know. Nothing is hidden by any means, he is just to busy selfish to be bothered.
I keep hearing about how uneeded he feels. Well WTF. If you want to be part of the family then stop separating yourself from it then whining about it later.. Act like a 37 year old with a family rather than putting that second. Example, we were going to see fireworks, something that was planned with him. He CHOSE to go and "catch up" with drinking buddies & ended up passed out by 7pm the other night. Needless to say, he did not go & was not part of the family plan. In a way it's fine because I expect it but then to have him come back upset is ridiculous. Get your vices out of your own damn way already.
Oh & I'm a bitch.
No, really? I'm SURE I am at this point. Sure of it. When kindness & intelligence are replaced by booze & slights I'll hate your fucking ass REAL fast.
So this week, he is NOT working. What can make it even more stressful? Home improvements thats what.
I know, I hate you, you hate me so lets rip up some carpeting, lay a new floor, paint the downstairs, etc.
Somebody quick, come & slit my left wrist for me, kay?
I WANT to tackle the project but I don't know HOW we'll get along.
We'll either end up getting along better or someone will be strangled with the measuring tape for real.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Not Oblivious, I Just Pretend To Be
It's funny. The other day when I mentioned how different I see my life in even a year I got a bunch of questions in my mail. I sit here & some days I semi coast thru, other days I want to friggin kill someone but in the end, I know what's up. I've always known my bottom line.
I have three kids to raise. Three kids that need an education & I'm a realist. They are not brilliant- ok maybe one dances on the edge of brilliance- so I'm not going to have three college scholarships presented to my girls in another decade-ish. That's unrealistic. I've always, always known that I would need to become a decent breadwinner once the littlest one was in school. Funny how you watch a grown man for 12 years and you realize that he is just NOT going to ever get it together fully. If I were "dad" to these kids & I worked in sales my ass would have been back in night school like 5 years ago. By now I'd be looking for if not already having a solid career. The ducks would have been in a very straight row but then, that's just how I am. He never has done that, never will do that & so I've felt probably since having Emmy, like this is another responsibility left in my hands.
The fact that he has ALWAYS liked to throw the topic of money in my face has only propelled my NEED to earn more than him.
That said, I'm going to go thru flight attendant training next summer one way or another. It is supposedly hellish. 3 weeks pretty much straight you eat/sleep/drink procedure & safety stuff. They say it's like learning another language in record time & it will definetly not be here. If I got into Delta's program I'd train in Austin for example. I want & need to do this & I've felt that the soonest I can leave especially B is next summer. I wanted to go this year but her seperation anxiety made me decide to wait. As for actually working I'm able & willing to work all of the less popular shifts anyway because I'd want to be with the girls during school hours as much as possible.
I've also decided that within the next 3 years I want to buy a house. ME. A home for the girls and I. If I knew I could pull that off then I'd be ok with sitting right here for the next few years if necessary.
I see myself alone with the kids most definetly. I usually am anyway & I've come to realize that I prefer just my company to that of shitty company for the sake of having a set of eyes to glare into. I see myself as someone that will find my version of the love of my life, later on in life. My brain tells me that if I just get these kids settled, on track & out the door to college before making me a grandmother then I'll be rewarded.
My bottom line. I can wait another 12 months to go & train for a job I REALLY want if I know it'll happen. It just gives me more time to dot my i's.
I can wait to find that great house because I don't need to rush things at all. It will be in front of me when I'm ready for it.
I'll be in my late 40's when all of my kids are almost out of high school. That gives me 20ish years with someone, still.
I have three kids to raise. Three kids that need an education & I'm a realist. They are not brilliant- ok maybe one dances on the edge of brilliance- so I'm not going to have three college scholarships presented to my girls in another decade-ish. That's unrealistic. I've always, always known that I would need to become a decent breadwinner once the littlest one was in school. Funny how you watch a grown man for 12 years and you realize that he is just NOT going to ever get it together fully. If I were "dad" to these kids & I worked in sales my ass would have been back in night school like 5 years ago. By now I'd be looking for if not already having a solid career. The ducks would have been in a very straight row but then, that's just how I am. He never has done that, never will do that & so I've felt probably since having Emmy, like this is another responsibility left in my hands.
The fact that he has ALWAYS liked to throw the topic of money in my face has only propelled my NEED to earn more than him.
That said, I'm going to go thru flight attendant training next summer one way or another. It is supposedly hellish. 3 weeks pretty much straight you eat/sleep/drink procedure & safety stuff. They say it's like learning another language in record time & it will definetly not be here. If I got into Delta's program I'd train in Austin for example. I want & need to do this & I've felt that the soonest I can leave especially B is next summer. I wanted to go this year but her seperation anxiety made me decide to wait. As for actually working I'm able & willing to work all of the less popular shifts anyway because I'd want to be with the girls during school hours as much as possible.
I've also decided that within the next 3 years I want to buy a house. ME. A home for the girls and I. If I knew I could pull that off then I'd be ok with sitting right here for the next few years if necessary.
I see myself alone with the kids most definetly. I usually am anyway & I've come to realize that I prefer just my company to that of shitty company for the sake of having a set of eyes to glare into. I see myself as someone that will find my version of the love of my life, later on in life. My brain tells me that if I just get these kids settled, on track & out the door to college before making me a grandmother then I'll be rewarded.
My bottom line. I can wait another 12 months to go & train for a job I REALLY want if I know it'll happen. It just gives me more time to dot my i's.
I can wait to find that great house because I don't need to rush things at all. It will be in front of me when I'm ready for it.
I'll be in my late 40's when all of my kids are almost out of high school. That gives me 20ish years with someone, still.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Here But Kinda Not
I've been going to write for days. What exactly, have I been going to say? Oh who knows. Lots of different things that have no real connection to one another.
I could tell you how in the last few weeks this nifty internet thing has reconnected me with several people I haven't had contact with in years.
I could discuss my hair dilemma- to cut or not to cut. I'm pretty sure it's not going anywhere, yet. But I loathe humidity hair.
I could tell you ALL about how J's roomate in Memphis stole J's rental car, went to jail, was bailed out & then rearrested because he had a cokestash in THEIR hotel room. I could also tell you about how J gets on a plane late tomorrow with no drivers license because the roomate stole that as well. I could venture into my "Keep your godamn drama THERE, do not bring it into my house" speech. I could tell you that I have crazy amounts of peace when he is gone & the return is usually an instant whiplash of drama. So ahead of time I'm doing the math...home Weds. leaves for Pittsburgh Sunday...okay I can handle that...
I could tell you about the brand new itouch that he bought for me before leaving last week & how quickly I uploaded 700 music files & 1500 photos to it. With a smile.
I could tell you that I'm insanely plotting a princess pajama party for later in July. I know this will also kick J's ass into gear. He keeps threatening to redo the living room only to procrastinate. The way I see it by July 25th I'll have a house of screeching happy girls, a crew of of martinied up moms, PLEASE GOD NO MORE KITTENS and a new living room to be grateful for.
I could tell you that I'm looking for another home for us, closer to the school. Another of those take matters into my own hands things. It'll take months probably to pin down a place but if I can have us closer to the school by November even...I'll be thrilled.
I could tell you that I'm counting the 28 days until I get to the beach. I can smell the water, feel the sun and need to run on the boardwalk early in the morning.
I could tell you I'm prepping for those runs by running 25 minutes a day now overday hoping to build up stamina by months end.
I could tell you that a year from now I see my life quite a bit different than it is right now and I like that.
I could tell you how in the last few weeks this nifty internet thing has reconnected me with several people I haven't had contact with in years.
I could discuss my hair dilemma- to cut or not to cut. I'm pretty sure it's not going anywhere, yet. But I loathe humidity hair.
I could tell you ALL about how J's roomate in Memphis stole J's rental car, went to jail, was bailed out & then rearrested because he had a cokestash in THEIR hotel room. I could also tell you about how J gets on a plane late tomorrow with no drivers license because the roomate stole that as well. I could venture into my "Keep your godamn drama THERE, do not bring it into my house" speech. I could tell you that I have crazy amounts of peace when he is gone & the return is usually an instant whiplash of drama. So ahead of time I'm doing the math...home Weds. leaves for Pittsburgh Sunday...okay I can handle that...
I could tell you about the brand new itouch that he bought for me before leaving last week & how quickly I uploaded 700 music files & 1500 photos to it. With a smile.
I could tell you that I'm insanely plotting a princess pajama party for later in July. I know this will also kick J's ass into gear. He keeps threatening to redo the living room only to procrastinate. The way I see it by July 25th I'll have a house of screeching happy girls, a crew of of martinied up moms, PLEASE GOD NO MORE KITTENS and a new living room to be grateful for.
I could tell you that I'm looking for another home for us, closer to the school. Another of those take matters into my own hands things. It'll take months probably to pin down a place but if I can have us closer to the school by November even...I'll be thrilled.
I could tell you that I'm counting the 28 days until I get to the beach. I can smell the water, feel the sun and need to run on the boardwalk early in the morning.
I could tell you I'm prepping for those runs by running 25 minutes a day now overday hoping to build up stamina by months end.
I could tell you that a year from now I see my life quite a bit different than it is right now and I like that.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
To Board or not to Board
So, for over a week now J KNEW he would be working in Mississippi this week. It was "positive" at the beginning of last week. By the end of last week he was suddenly not so positive & might, maybe work near Philly again this week. All the while though he was adament about going to Mississippi in the end. By Friday I heard that he was driving up to a coworkers in NY on Sunday & then they'd drive down to NYC for early Monday morning & fly out together. Then that wasn't going to work so he had to get himself to Laguardia instead. I suggeested flying straight out from here because by the time he drove 2 hours & parked his car for a week it might be worth the extra cost to just leave from here. Close to 200 bucks for him to park plus gas...
Then on Sunday it looked like he might DRIVE with another guy...18 hour drive... That turned into a clusterfuck & wasn't going to happen either. Mind you J was here from Saturday night thru late Sunday connected to his friggin phone the whole time wasting family time in order to figure out "where the hell I need to be, when & how"
I get it, totally. He HAD to sort it out but in the back of my itty bitty head I'm wondering WHY he let it all wait til the last second. Why doesn't he HAVE a plane ticket & all HIS ducks in a row? You know if everyone around you is a scatterbrain why are you waiting for those people to basically call the shots, make up your mind, committ & breathe already.
LATE Sunday night he came in & by that time I didn't even ask the plan. I woke Monday morning & quite literally asked if he had work because at that point who knew! He said he had to be to Laguardia for 12:30. It's 7:30am & he is barely moving. I'm thinking WTF? 12:30 means 10:30 & you have at LEAST a 2.5 ride into the city given the morning commute.
He leaves at 8:30 and still has to go to the bank. He had just finished packing too. Ducks so not in a row. Needless to say, dude did NOT make that plane nor did he try! By 10:30 he was here on the computer staring blankle at flights to Memphis which is the closest airport to where he needs to be. I'll make what transpired over the next few hours short but I finally came to the conclusion that he is CHICKENSHIT to fly alone. There were 3 ALMOST runs to the airport before he finally went only to claim the intended flight was overbooked LMAO. Now, it could have been because in between dying of laughter at his expense though not to his face I was on Wilkes Barre Scranton's International Airport site & he goes from here to Detroit then to Memphis. Detroit flights were delayed until the time of his intended flight so it could have been overbooked.
Going back to yesterday morning he was never getting on that plane at Laguardia. The man I know would have been packed & schizing about being out the door with time to spare.
And he would have set his alarm!
Where is he now? I just talked to him, he is boarding his flight I pray in about 5 minutes, should hit Detroit by 7pm & land in Memphis for 9ish.
I hope.
Because after the drama of just watching him I need to be alone for probably the next week, LOL.
Then on Sunday it looked like he might DRIVE with another guy...18 hour drive... That turned into a clusterfuck & wasn't going to happen either. Mind you J was here from Saturday night thru late Sunday connected to his friggin phone the whole time wasting family time in order to figure out "where the hell I need to be, when & how"
I get it, totally. He HAD to sort it out but in the back of my itty bitty head I'm wondering WHY he let it all wait til the last second. Why doesn't he HAVE a plane ticket & all HIS ducks in a row? You know if everyone around you is a scatterbrain why are you waiting for those people to basically call the shots, make up your mind, committ & breathe already.
LATE Sunday night he came in & by that time I didn't even ask the plan. I woke Monday morning & quite literally asked if he had work because at that point who knew! He said he had to be to Laguardia for 12:30. It's 7:30am & he is barely moving. I'm thinking WTF? 12:30 means 10:30 & you have at LEAST a 2.5 ride into the city given the morning commute.
He leaves at 8:30 and still has to go to the bank. He had just finished packing too. Ducks so not in a row. Needless to say, dude did NOT make that plane nor did he try! By 10:30 he was here on the computer staring blankle at flights to Memphis which is the closest airport to where he needs to be. I'll make what transpired over the next few hours short but I finally came to the conclusion that he is CHICKENSHIT to fly alone. There were 3 ALMOST runs to the airport before he finally went only to claim the intended flight was overbooked LMAO. Now, it could have been because in between dying of laughter at his expense though not to his face I was on Wilkes Barre Scranton's International Airport site & he goes from here to Detroit then to Memphis. Detroit flights were delayed until the time of his intended flight so it could have been overbooked.
Going back to yesterday morning he was never getting on that plane at Laguardia. The man I know would have been packed & schizing about being out the door with time to spare.
And he would have set his alarm!
Where is he now? I just talked to him, he is boarding his flight I pray in about 5 minutes, should hit Detroit by 7pm & land in Memphis for 9ish.
I hope.
Because after the drama of just watching him I need to be alone for probably the next week, LOL.
Monday, March 10, 2008
7 Things
Okay so Ted at BSYTYCD tagged me. Here goes...
- Link to the blog who tagged you (above)
- Post the rules on your blog
- Share seven random and/or weird things about yourself.
- Tag seven people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
- Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
- I have completely neglected this blog because I've been busy devoting extra energy to Shimmy.
- I like BAD reality shows way too much. Rock of Love for example. I like Daisy with her fish lips & circus boobs. Kristy Jo makes me want to throw things at the tv which is precisely why she remains in that house. Bring on the booze fueled fights, bleached out extensions & barely there tops that leave inplant scars in clear view. Sad, I know...
- My perfect day would involve Starbucks, a bookstore, my ipod & not a single person to interact with. Some days people are just too damn much work.
- I might as well be a kitten breeder because I have TWO sets of kittens downstairs born a week apart living with their mothers in a Tinker Bell Fairy Tent. No lie.
- I love winter but at this point I'm so over it. I want shorts, little dresses, flip flops and to run the boardwalk at 6am in complete bliss.
- Since I ask it all the time, what is on MY ipod. (laptop, or the stereo included) Common, Step Up 2 soundtrack, Omarion, Luda, Flyleaf, Shiny Toy Guns, She Wants Revenge, Anything with Timbaland, Flo Rida, Led Zep, GNR, Piazzola tangos, Linkin Park, Ratt, Nelly Furtado, Madonna, old skool rap, Placebo, Depeche Mode...
- My chocolate lab puppy Lucy has eaten one of every pair of shoes that I own & I suspect she will NEVER be trained. Ever
- Link to the blog who tagged you (above)
- Post the rules on your blog
- Share seven random and/or weird things about yourself.
- Tag seven people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
- Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
- I have completely neglected this blog because I've been busy devoting extra energy to Shimmy.
- I like BAD reality shows way too much. Rock of Love for example. I like Daisy with her fish lips & circus boobs. Kristy Jo makes me want to throw things at the tv which is precisely why she remains in that house. Bring on the booze fueled fights, bleached out extensions & barely there tops that leave inplant scars in clear view. Sad, I know...
- My perfect day would involve Starbucks, a bookstore, my ipod & not a single person to interact with. Some days people are just too damn much work.
- I might as well be a kitten breeder because I have TWO sets of kittens downstairs born a week apart living with their mothers in a Tinker Bell Fairy Tent. No lie.
- I love winter but at this point I'm so over it. I want shorts, little dresses, flip flops and to run the boardwalk at 6am in complete bliss.
- Since I ask it all the time, what is on MY ipod. (laptop, or the stereo included) Common, Step Up 2 soundtrack, Omarion, Luda, Flyleaf, Shiny Toy Guns, She Wants Revenge, Anything with Timbaland, Flo Rida, Led Zep, GNR, Piazzola tangos, Linkin Park, Ratt, Nelly Furtado, Madonna, old skool rap, Placebo, Depeche Mode...
- My chocolate lab puppy Lucy has eaten one of every pair of shoes that I own & I suspect she will NEVER be trained. Ever
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I Heart Target
Because they cracked out a PLETHORA of Valentine's Day stuff, including knee sox
Happy Happy.
What else is happening? Oh yes, since several of you guys asked, I didn't have to clock Maya for the cat throwing incident because after B finished bleeding all over the sleeves of her fav High School Musical shirt she totally "brained" her.
Again. Who throws a cat???
Speaking of cats, no kittens yet but poor momma cat is miserable & in obvious pain today. She chose to sleep on the bathroom floor during three kids baths & my shower this morning. It was a water park & the CAT stayed in the room. Any hour now I'd say.
I had stuff to write about & as usual now that I'm here I totally forget most of it. I nixxed the kids V-Day party because it's going to creep up on me way to fast & there's a lot of other stuff coming mid-late January. Two birthday parties & Princesses On Ice all fall within a three day time frame for starters! So I'm thinking a sleepover of some sort, something small for Heart Day.
You all know I LURVE winter right? But i have to admit that I'm secretly wanting it to warm up. I want flip flop weather ok and since Mother Nature is indeed still a junkie we are like, thisclose to contemplating flip flops if this is at all accurate:
Happy Happy.
What else is happening? Oh yes, since several of you guys asked, I didn't have to clock Maya for the cat throwing incident because after B finished bleeding all over the sleeves of her fav High School Musical shirt she totally "brained" her.
Again. Who throws a cat???
Speaking of cats, no kittens yet but poor momma cat is miserable & in obvious pain today. She chose to sleep on the bathroom floor during three kids baths & my shower this morning. It was a water park & the CAT stayed in the room. Any hour now I'd say.
I had stuff to write about & as usual now that I'm here I totally forget most of it. I nixxed the kids V-Day party because it's going to creep up on me way to fast & there's a lot of other stuff coming mid-late January. Two birthday parties & Princesses On Ice all fall within a three day time frame for starters! So I'm thinking a sleepover of some sort, something small for Heart Day.
You all know I LURVE winter right? But i have to admit that I'm secretly wanting it to warm up. I want flip flop weather ok and since Mother Nature is indeed still a junkie we are like, thisclose to contemplating flip flops if this is at all accurate:
I Sense A Shift Is Coming
I never go political here. Ever. Mainly because of my own confusion at this point in time. Not that I'd ever beat anyone over the head with religion politics anyway, but I might mention it. 4 years ago my generally Democrat self thought re-electing Bush was the lesser of the evils. Not necessarily "good" but better than the Kerry alternative that's for sure. So Bush, um, embellished a whole bunch & we are still at war & we are still sitting in a few places that I believe we have NO business occupying aside from the obvious two. I flip flop between wanting a government that will act & preemptively strike when necessary and wanting the US to stop believing that it has a say in every other countries disputes- a hands on say. I believe that when fucked with we need to respond or else we will as a country be repeatedly walked on. 9-11 was hell & I am pretty sure that if we didn't strike back then we would have had a few more bombings here in the last 6 years. I also am pretty damn sure that there's another biggie coming down the pike because it has to be. Simple good vs. evil mentality. A country can only prevent so many terrorist incidents before something slips thru a crack.
Just like 9-11 did.
So. I'm definetly Democrat this time around & I have seriously, seriously flipped between Hil & Obama. I like that she is a she, a mother, that she sat & watched the day to day running of the country while her husband played with cigars & interns was at the helm. I liked some of her ideas , actually many of them when she was First Lady. I often thought SHE should be in "the seat" rather than her husband. And Clinton had it easy. He fucked things up for himself personally but when it came to the US, Reganomics were still trickling down (& that worked, hello!) and it was a time of peace. Anyone that was president after Clinton's run was going to be in deep. The budget was going to crash as would the stock market after 9-11. I cannot ever blame Bush for the countries financial outlook because it would be bleak for anyone in office this decade. Clinton's sending jobs overseas really helped too...
Back to the flipping. I think I've leaned more towards Hil but I've also liked Obama's inexperience. He's not a career politician. He has new ideas & thinks like one of "us"- sort of. Maybe these are good things? Could he make it any worse? I don't know. I also read that since Hil's numbers have dropped like a hooker's panties she may pull out of the race.
I can't see her throwing in the towel. Can you? I don't know that I see her caving in embarassment.
So I'll open the door a crack. What are YOUR thoughts on the election? Who is holding your attention & why?
Just like 9-11 did.
So. I'm definetly Democrat this time around & I have seriously, seriously flipped between Hil & Obama. I like that she is a she, a mother, that she sat & watched the day to day running of the country while her husband played with cigars & interns was at the helm. I liked some of her ideas , actually many of them when she was First Lady. I often thought SHE should be in "the seat" rather than her husband. And Clinton had it easy. He fucked things up for himself personally but when it came to the US, Reganomics were still trickling down (& that worked, hello!) and it was a time of peace. Anyone that was president after Clinton's run was going to be in deep. The budget was going to crash as would the stock market after 9-11. I cannot ever blame Bush for the countries financial outlook because it would be bleak for anyone in office this decade. Clinton's sending jobs overseas really helped too...
Back to the flipping. I think I've leaned more towards Hil but I've also liked Obama's inexperience. He's not a career politician. He has new ideas & thinks like one of "us"- sort of. Maybe these are good things? Could he make it any worse? I don't know. I also read that since Hil's numbers have dropped like a hooker's panties she may pull out of the race.
I can't see her throwing in the towel. Can you? I don't know that I see her caving in embarassment.
So I'll open the door a crack. What are YOUR thoughts on the election? Who is holding your attention & why?
Saturday, January 5, 2008
My PSA of the Week
Apparently I need to state something that one would think is common sense. Do not, under ANY circumstances THROW A CAT at your 4 year old sister. Picking up a sleeping cat & shotputing him across the room until he collides with another childs face equals this:
Nothing quite like trying to put a Barbie Band Aid on your daughters eyelid before sending her to preschool.
WTF.
Who throws a cat??
Nothing quite like trying to put a Barbie Band Aid on your daughters eyelid before sending her to preschool.
WTF.
Who throws a cat??
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