What Has Been Lost?

Every week Alicia posts a topic & myriad's of people take & blog it. You can find more HERE.

This week's topic:

WHAT HAS BEEN LOST?

I could go ridiculously deep with this one but quite honestly, I have no desire. I've done it to death already. The topic really does fit exactly how I'm feeling today though, just in a bit of a different way.

I'm generally all for structure & schedules when it comes to the kids. Always have been a real stickler since babyhood because smart moms know, schedules WORK. Conditioning kids helps them to find a groove, not just you. Coming off of the overscheduled school year I decided to just let the kids sort of "be" this summer. I debated & made calls about a few different activities & sort of just let it all float to the side. Let them play. Let them rest. Let them set there own pace. Let them stay up late. Let them sleep late. Let them be. It is only for two months & then we'll return to 3 trips a day to drop off/pick up at school & dance lessons & god knows what else.

This plan has ultimately worked, I think. I can say for certain that they have had a really good summer & I know with equal certainty that if asked, they'd readily agree. Mission accomplished & I'm happy about that. But, we are all dead from it. The kids are OVER it & need structure desperately. This week I really see it as they are fighting nonstop. Usually they are the kids that if I take them out with me alone in public, they're angels. Not now. I took them this morning to look for (as in NOT find) shoes & backpacks. Found the backpacks but it was a full session in hell for me, maybe even them. Constant bickering, a few shoving matches & two out of three actually got smacked by a sister. Whose kids are these?

It proves me general belief in structure & scheduling has been right on the money.

So they're ready to go back to school. I realized this morning that I'm feeling like somewhere in the last two months I've really kind of lost myself, again. I say again because any mother will tell you that if you don't make yourself a priority there comes a point when you don't recognize yourself. It's a recurring theme after having kids & the best thing you can do is to take good care of yourself & be self aware on a daily basis.

But here I am, a bit lost. We were out this morning & the time frame followed my normal morning school schedule. I grabbed coffee at the same Starbucks as always, at my normal time. Ran into a bunch of familiar faces & thought, I MISS THIS. I need my normalcy back again. I need those 5 minute conversations here & there in between the school hustle in the morning. I need to begin to rebuild my days, around theirs again. I'm lonely. How insane is that? Rarely alone, but lonely. I've traded in daily face to face adult interactions for nonstop chats with kids under the age of 8 & after 2 months my brain feels like mush. I miss Miss Maribeth Emmy's former & B's now teacher that I talked to daily. I miss the other school moms even though I talk to a few still. I miss the regular coffee barista & I miss various other people that for 10 months will pop up daily & make my life feel normal & routine. Routines bring me comfort. I think I'm really noticing it because after 3 back to back babies I spent years having to focus on babies while out. Now I have finally flipped the page & CAN interact with adults while watching big girls.

I feel panicky this morning because I realize how much I NEED to go back to normal.In 3 short weeks everythin g resumes, they'll strap on their Mary Janes & uniforms and head back, I'll be starting school myself & I'll be cramming my marathon training into early, EARLY mornings whenever possible.

All will be right in my little world then but for now, I feel LOST.