So. Much. To. Say.




Talked to my mother for the first time in nearly 4 months. 2 hours worth of shit there. I am left angry. Hurt. Talked down to. strong for telling her exactly what I really think. Could kill Cassie, truly. Actually discussed her "replacement" daughter Chemire & she said this girl is not a replacement but, "Don't take this the wrong way Tania, but the bible(naming scripture) says that when you let one thing go you are blessed with something else." I'm better for telling her exactly how judgemental she is & how the message is loud & clear- go to her church or you're not worthy. Redirected her back to Cassie about 50 times until I nearly lost my flippin mind. Cassie saved all of my responses to her yet managed to delete everything she had written first. Every ledge that I talked her down from, every bit of understanding & support was seen. Except that traces of the suicidal, harshly judged girl were wiped out. I just looked like I had nothing better to rant about or think about. My mother's comment, "No one wants to speak to you, not even Cassie." My comment, "Really? Then why is she still emailing me?" I could hear my mother's jaw drop thru the phone. I got things out, not that she absorbed much I'm sure, but I held my ground. "You know I love you & think of you every day. I've wanted to pick up the phone & call. I don't want to leave the kids hanging...How could you believe I don't care...?"



My response..."I can't believe, as a mother, knowing that my child has cancer & not going out of my way to be there. Not being ACTIVE in their life. I can't as a mother, imagine making so many excuses not to see my grandkids."



It'll take time to sort out the wreckage. How angry am I with Cass...I do know that I still have no intention of contact though. That is still my feeling.



What else happened today? Hmmm. I watched a neighbor's friend get out of her car then reach in and pull out a baby boy who was probably 5 months old.



The tears were plentiful.



I officially can't look at baby boys. At least not today.



When I woke from the surgery almost 2 weeks ago my doc told me my uterus was swollen to the size of about 12-14 weeks pregnant. I'm used to swelling around the incision site. I figured it was scar tissue & I knew my 2 bottom abs were shot anyway so I never thought much of it really. Let's go back...I got pregnant with Em in Oct. 2001...got pregnant 10 weeks after having Em in Oct. 2002 & then was left with scar tissue anyway. How the hell would I remember what normal looks like???



This week, I am normal & omg was I swollen! I was used to having a 4 pack & thinking ab work was wasted on my bottom abs. Now they are not cut, but my entire stomach is flat. John commented on it without me saying anything.



Emily. After peeing in every godamned room of the house today & demolishing 3 pairs of shorts, finally, finally at 5pmEST pissed ON her potty. OMG the hysterical euphoria. You'd think we'd won the lottery. Hell, with 2 in diapers getting one trained is kind of like winning the lottery.

Hormonally whacked. That's how I'd describe myself nowadays. Not even bitchy, cranky, moody- I'm straight happy/sad.




I'm going to see how this week goes & will see my counselor on Friday. If I'm still jangled then I need to consider either hormone therapy or an antidepressant. Many doctors send you home with a script for one or the other right after surgery so this melting down is pretty common. It just comes down to whether or not I'll need help with it.



I just want to feel better. Not even sane, just better :P



I have to start plotting next weekend. We're having a party for the 4th. Certainly won't rival the last bash because I cannot pull that off, but. I need to get a plan on paper. Our 8th anniversary is next week also. Next Tuesday. We'll have the sitter for next weekend. I really want to do something nice. Last year, we stood in our old kitchen saying that if we spent that anniversary together there was no reason to think we'd ever be apart. Last year we were a few days into just speaking & testing the waters. This year is Eutopia in comparison & I want to do something surprising. Don't ask me what that is though. It's a good thing to be planning though.



See? Happy/sad...



And another thing that I haven't thought of much at all...we're still set to renew our vows in September. Is this still my dress (though in pale blue)





I'm thinking not. It went with the long flowing red hair. The hair is still red but not long. I think I need to look again

The good thing, I got everything dones yesterday that I wanted to. I pushed myself & accomplished all of the things that were backed up. Of course, as with everything it seems lately, there was a downside. I was scrubbing freezepops off of the front porch & felt beyond tired. Moving the porch furniture & cleaning the porch was just exhausting. Like I felt I didn't have enough strength to do it. That never happens. i'm used to being the Energizer Bunny. It was a big reminder that, although I pushed myself, I am not feeling like myself at all.




Or am I? Is this who I now am? Too weak to simply just do it.



I was upset because I feel like I should be stronger & I know that I'm usually far better so it's like I'm watching my body give out. No real warnings just something normally a breeze isn't on that particular day & the only thing different is me.



This morning I pushed myself thru some yoga & it was more of the same. Simple stretches are hard. Everything is taking longer because I can't move as well, strongly or smoothly.



Upsetting to no end. And it shouldn't be because in theory I'm fine & in reality I will be fine for real by summers end. This is just so much harder emotionally than I thought it would be.



I feel disconnected to John for a few reasons. Physically, well no sex for almost 2 weeks now. Affection & intamacy has been there but I still am needing more. More what? Nothing anyone can give I think. I'm half feeling like a child that just needs to be scooped up & sheltered from whatever. Not good when you're 35. We spent a good chunk of this morning in bed together. I needed that & he did also. But last night I called it, "Tomorrow morning we're staying in bed." The kids were fed, amused, glued to the Disney Channel. Whatever. I just needed to feel close to him.

Have I mentioned my weird food issues this week? Not weird exactly and not even issues, but I'm just kind of going with the cravings. I've lost weight in the last week in spite of thinking I was holding my own. I put on my skinny jeans on Friday only to find them roomy. My lower body is usually the last to lose inches. I love my yoga, I still run & I have long lean legs that I like to have nice and toned. Best asset I think so since I have long muscles I kind of always do my leg work, squats, etc. If nothing else because it doesn't feel like work to me anyway. So losing muscle is kind of hard when you work to keep it there. But somehow this week, I'm smaller. Ever since the big pasta meal a few nights ago I have craved carbs like mad. I usually pay attention to cravings because if it's for carbs, salad meat it's usually something my body is needing. So the last few days I've just kind of gone with it. Rice & veggies was a hit Friday. Yesterday morning I was craving egg salad. That's one of those things I forget about & then crave once a year. So it was breakfast yesterday. Yesterday as John grilled an insane amount of food (cheeseburgers, chicken with homemade "top secret" bar b q sauce, salmon...) I made KFC's Mac & Cheese. This recipe is the real deal & it went over well. Breakfast this morning? Mac & Cheese.




Needed it.



Who's body is this anyway??



I'm really so far off my normalness it's just...something. I'm usually so energetic & everything is just done. Now I'm backed up. It's lack of energy, lack of motivation, lack of feeling like that person that usually has these things. Today, I have to be productive in spite of the haze I feel like I'm in.



You guys know how garden obsessed I am. I haven't weeded in nearly 2 weeks.



That's a milestone for me.



I'm praying I can get my ass in gear & the next time I'm here in this chair I'll have accomplished a whole lot.



Tom Cruise. Ok. I have to go here. I saw the footage of his Today show interview late last night & all I can say is...what an arrogant fuck. I do not believe meds are always the answer but I do think they can be part of it in many situations. I think it is situational & sometimes imbalances do occur. Sorry Tom i'm walking proof of that right now. Extra vitamins & more yoga will not prevent me from crying this week. Not that meds are necessary either (or maybe they will be who knows!) but the point is that there is no sure cure for anyone, period. Differing opinions are fine with me. That's something I actually love, that people are different. It makes life interesting. Being arrogant & rude about your opinions is just arrogant & rude. Only a young girl with stars in her eyes WOULD tolerate that crap from a man so maybe he HAD to find a Katie Holmes. Manipulating a woman in her 30's or 40's would be a lot harder. Katie...she probably feels like he is teaching her so much & she is probably foolish enough to hang on his every word.



I've never been a Cruise fan though. Just sort of indifferent I guess. Some of his movies I've loved & others I haven't. I guess I'm a bit different because the Cruises' & Brad Pitt's don't actually appeal to me in general. I prefer the Vincent D'Onofrio's & Nicolas Cages'. Quirky guys that can act their butts off.

I have a feeling I'm in for a bit of a ride. I've read about the hormonal insanity that an abalation can cause. I guess it's like anything else in a woman's body, mess with the chemistry and internal hell breaks loose.




Yesterday, very good. Perhaps too good. Deliriously happy. Last night? Heh. Basketcase. Crying hysterically. Why? "I have no idea because my brain and emotions aren't in line". Nothing felt wrong but I was a blundering idiot.



Had to be hormonal. The only other time in my life it reminded me of was right after I had Maya. Then I WAS a hormonal nutjob.



Poor John. He is in for one heck of a ride. i went to bed last night curled in a ball in tears while telling him I'm actually fine. I just couldn't stop the tears. I woke this morning & in 30 seconds realized I felt exactly the same & started bawling all over again.



3 hours later...I'm fine. The world is a lovely place. I'm serious. Life is beautiful.



I know, I know. What. the. Hell.



Some women need hormone therapy & I'm guessing time will tell just how crazy I'm left being once the dust settles.



I'm a cuddler but when I need to sleep I'm the girl that rolls over & needs a bit of space. Apparently every other furry animal needs me at bedtime. Chloe has finally decided to reclaim her sleepy spot, right beside my pillow. She purrs loudly and sleeps all night next to me. I'm guessing she realized Ella is here to stay so damnit, she was taking back her space. Last night after drenching John & his pillow I rolled over and Chloe nestled right beneath the covers. She was attatched to my stomach. Suddenly I feel feet 7 there is Ella behind me. Beneath the covers, she lays down right against my shoulder. Pashie meanwhile is laying at my feet. I couldn't move because of the furry people.



From the other side of the bed John groggily mumbled, "They love you so much."

Yesterday I made homemade sauce with pasta. Last night I sat down to eat with John outside & realized I was starving. It was the first real meal I've eaten in about 2 weeks. You know, with salad & pasta & bread. And I had seconds. And then I was sick for the rest of the night. You know, the kind where you've eaten too much except that I hadn't eaten too much, I had just shrunk my stomach too much instead. We sat outside for 4 hours talking about everything & nothing. I realized at some point yesterday that I'm really not worried about the medical stuff much. I'm coming down to a point where decisions are evaporating & all that is left is procedures to fix things. That's almost a comfort. For someone that loves shades of gray, black & white, in this case is very comforting.




There has been so much stress over the last month. His mother. My medical stuff. Andy. Leftover emotional baggage. His job. The kids. Parties, holidays, plans. Yesterday it really sunk in...it's all really good.



I mean, I know this. I know that we are lucky, I know that there is so much good right here, but actually feeling it...is harder sometimes. It's hard not to get tangled in chaos, fear, apprehension. But at the end of the day, sitting outside in my comfy chair with my icy drink, there is nowhere I'd rather be. Last night was an eye-opener of sorts. The things, words that fall freely between us now. The thoughts that were probably once stiffled. John was holding the kitten & said, "She smells like a newborn.". I looked at him oddly because no, she does not. Before I could respond he simply said, "No. Maybe that's just me wishing that we could have another baby so even a kitten smells like one."



Sad sentiment. Shared sentiment. But also very honest. Very real & just simply, said. No holding back because there's no need to. He spaced out a few minutes later & when I asked what he was thinking he was plotting his weekend grilling. He is obsessed with his huge ass grill/smoker (& so is every other guy that sees it, or so it seems)& I'm glad. Grilling means he'll be here He'll be home.



I talked to my doctor's office again today. Yesterday I got the pap results. The cells did return & we're going to do a knife cone biopsy on July 25th. It's done in office & literally cuts out the bad cells. Much better chance of them not returning that way. Plus the testing on those samples is much more conclusive. Why so long? If it's being cut out it can wait a few weeks & since I'm already healing from last weeks voluntariy scorching...a month was mandatory. The results from the polyps that were removed last week are still not all back. Half of that report is MIA. If it's not back tomorrow Dr. Tsous-o-greek-name has to personally get pissy & hunt it down.



The bad news, was anticipated & it actually doesn't feel so bad. It's a blip on the screen compared to the good right now.

It's 9am & I am so freakin tired. I swear I am dragging so much lately & it is just not like me at all. I get up at the asscrack of dawn, change diapers, get juice, plop kids on the couch, feed the cats, put coffee on & then I go back to bed. Not only do I go back to bed, but I go back to sleep. Where is that woman that used to go for a run or do yoga at 6:30am?? I hauled my lethargic ass out of bed a little after 8 to make breakfast, keenly aware that I am just not myself.




Or feeling like myself.



No results yesterday & honestly it wasn't shocking. I remember now how doc always expects things to be back in a snap & they never are. The OR was backed up Friday, I didn't get in until almost 1pm...I'm betting no one even looked at my polyps, etc. until late Monday at the earliest...So today in all liklihood would be the earliest I'd know anything. Somehow, I'm no longer worrying about it. I think after last week I feel like I'm semi-prepped for anything. I'm confident the uterine stuff is fine. As for the cervical...I've done cryo, I've had c-sections & a hyst. is the same basically as far as recovery. If he does either a leep or knife cone, it's in office as opposed to the nitemare from last week. So I'm nursing a feeling of either been there, done it, survived it or...I've gone thru worse. So why stress? I'm just not.



I just need to find a way to build up more energy. Any ideas? What do you guys do that gives you extra energy?



Last night Bridget was fighting bedtime in a big way. she has this tradition of (if not wanting to sleep)laying down to humor me, then getting up once I go downstairs. I'll hear clopping & realize she's trying on Em's shoes. So last night B was completely bedazzled. Em's sandals, hat, necklaces & a boa. I took stuff off her, put her to bed & took the boa with me. I left it on my bed. A few minutes later I see Ella strutting around with the boa...



She spent several minutes dragging it all over the house. Very funny.



Did I mention that Chloe might be knocked up??? She got out for about an hour a few weeks ago & i found her in the yard running with a few stray cats. She definetly got some, as proven by the preening & weirdness once dragged inside. Is early June a heat time for cats? She is always weird so I can't go by that. She was scheduled to be spade the week I had Maya & John & I both compared notes just 2 weeks ago & realized we never took her! I thought he brought her in while I was in the hospital with Maya & he thought I took her later on. Never spade. You all know our luck & if there is any way she CAN be pregnant, she will be. Especially since we just got a kitten.



And if that isn't enough animal insanity...my neighbor Gina is moving this weekend. She is heading back to her parents to save some money. She's working & going for her law degree with no extra time to pick up a second job to offset the cost of her classes. She has a 6 month old Jack Russell Terrier named Buddy that John & the kids just love. She thinks she'll have to get rid of him which kills her. She offered him to us & I suspect if it comes to that I'm going to have a dog. John really wants to take him & he is very sweet plus Gina could still see him & steal him part time. I'm not a fan of small dogs, I prefer dogs that can take me for a walk. But I know I'll lose if i protest.

I am SO much better this morning. The pain is almost non-existent as long as I take 2 Darvacet every 4 hours. If the 4 hour mark approaches & I feel ok then I still have to take one. Round the clock drugging until tomorrow morning & then I should feel fine.




I'm weak, but mobile :)



No really, compared to yesterday it IS so good.



I have full color photos of my polyp infested uterus, wanna see??? I'm joking of course but I'm figuring he gave me pics so that I'm more likely to be in agreement with whatever he suggests on Monday. I vaguely remember him saying they did the Ablation but it was very hard with an enlarged uterus. John said maybe he'll just call to check on me Monday.



Um, no. The surgery center does follow up on Monday. If everything was fine & if my biopsy from last week was clear he would have had them make me a follow up appointment. But ya know, I went in yesterday knowing there'd be more still so it's ok. I was prepared for more procedures to come quickly.



They actually contemplated admitting me yesterday because I recovered so badly. My fever spiked at 104 & i do remember being covered in wet clothes and sweating like mad. Getting sick was from the anesthesia & everything else was a reaction to pain. Now I'm glad I was knocked out.



John was laughing this morning because of the extent they went to to get me out of their. Toradol in my IV, Morphine shots in each leg, naseau patch by my ear. The nurses were great thank goodness since 2 of them literally dressed me & plopped me in a wheel chair to get me to the car.



The kids were very good for Jamie thank goodness. I felt so awful leaving Bridget yesterday. She started crying while hanging onto me for dear life saying, "Don't go mom, don't go. You be RIGHT back mom? Right back??" Leaving her even for just awhile yesterday was so hard. I kept thinking of her and felt like crying. She's such a mommy's girl.



Here's a funny, you know you are good & drugged when the very first thing on your list of going home instructions is (I quote):



Do not sign any legal documents or make any important decisions in the next 24 hours."