Aubrey LaRue

The good thing, I got everything dones yesterday that I wanted to. I pushed myself & accomplished all of the things that were backed up. Of course, as with everything it seems lately, there was a downside. I was scrubbing freezepops off of the front porch & felt beyond tired. Moving the porch furniture & cleaning the porch was just exhausting. Like I felt I didn't have enough strength to do it. That never happens. i'm used to being the Energizer Bunny. It was a big reminder that, although I pushed myself, I am not feeling like myself at all.




Or am I? Is this who I now am? Too weak to simply just do it.



I was upset because I feel like I should be stronger & I know that I'm usually far better so it's like I'm watching my body give out. No real warnings just something normally a breeze isn't on that particular day & the only thing different is me.



This morning I pushed myself thru some yoga & it was more of the same. Simple stretches are hard. Everything is taking longer because I can't move as well, strongly or smoothly.



Upsetting to no end. And it shouldn't be because in theory I'm fine & in reality I will be fine for real by summers end. This is just so much harder emotionally than I thought it would be.



I feel disconnected to John for a few reasons. Physically, well no sex for almost 2 weeks now. Affection & intamacy has been there but I still am needing more. More what? Nothing anyone can give I think. I'm half feeling like a child that just needs to be scooped up & sheltered from whatever. Not good when you're 35. We spent a good chunk of this morning in bed together. I needed that & he did also. But last night I called it, "Tomorrow morning we're staying in bed." The kids were fed, amused, glued to the Disney Channel. Whatever. I just needed to feel close to him.