03:29 pm
2 of my kids love Snow White & both call her something different.
maya refers to her as "Snow Wipe" while Bridget prefers, "Snope White".
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09:12 am
It's raining, it's pouring & oh, no one is lucky enough to be snoring.
The kids are multitasking, watching the Wizard of Oz while having a tea party. I have to plot out a mini party for Maya on Sunday. You know, a hey Monday is your birthday & you'll be in school & your real party isn't for another week & a half sort of mini party. Cake & a few little prezzies.
I'm realizing something. Even just a month of the prozac left me emotionally stiffled. Is everything lovely? No, but I haven't felt capable of getting very upset. Not that I want to get upset, but I'm someone that embraces my emotions- all of them. Cutting myself off from them is really not healthy at all. I don't want to be nutsy. I'm just hoping for balance here.
My hair...cut it...grow it...I don't know. It's about at my shoulders, just touching. The in-between stage that I hate so much. I love it chin length or else long. This point sucks. Short feels so free & good but I love having a huge mane of flaming red hair.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Friday, August 26, 2005
11:17 am
Yeah, I've been fairly MIA this week. Not a whole lot to say, lots to get done & I've been really busy with work.
My week did get better until this morning. Well, no it's all in how you look at it. I could say shit the motor blew in my washing machine...or I could say, THANK GOD I discovered it smoking & burning when I did so that there wasn't a full blown fire.
Just making lemonade here :D
That aside I'm in a good mood. John's chef's jacket arrived the other day & is already wrapped & put away. The sitter comes at 5pm and I have a very simple plan. I want to get Maya something special for the first day of school & I want to go to Barnes & Noble. If I can't do those two things children free then I'm truly useless, right?
Oh. My mother called yesterday. It's been a full month since her last call. She wanted to be sure that I was okay because, in her words, "I wanted to check because if you aren't ok I'm not sure that you'd call me..."
Bingo. She's getting it. I will not call her, period. It occured to me she hasn't seen any of us since before Christmas. How does a grandmother justify living 30 minutes away & NOT seeing her grandkids once in nearly 9 months? Unreal.
The good thing though, I have really distanced myself emotionally because I truly felt nothing while on the phone. That may sound sad but the reality is that it's a relief.
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Yeah, I've been fairly MIA this week. Not a whole lot to say, lots to get done & I've been really busy with work.
My week did get better until this morning. Well, no it's all in how you look at it. I could say shit the motor blew in my washing machine...or I could say, THANK GOD I discovered it smoking & burning when I did so that there wasn't a full blown fire.
Just making lemonade here :D
That aside I'm in a good mood. John's chef's jacket arrived the other day & is already wrapped & put away. The sitter comes at 5pm and I have a very simple plan. I want to get Maya something special for the first day of school & I want to go to Barnes & Noble. If I can't do those two things children free then I'm truly useless, right?
Oh. My mother called yesterday. It's been a full month since her last call. She wanted to be sure that I was okay because, in her words, "I wanted to check because if you aren't ok I'm not sure that you'd call me..."
Bingo. She's getting it. I will not call her, period. It occured to me she hasn't seen any of us since before Christmas. How does a grandmother justify living 30 minutes away & NOT seeing her grandkids once in nearly 9 months? Unreal.
The good thing though, I have really distanced myself emotionally because I truly felt nothing while on the phone. That may sound sad but the reality is that it's a relief.
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Wednesday, August 24, 2005
This week is fast becoming a real joke. No. I have hope, faith & whatever else that today will get better. 2 lovely bits of fun from yesterday. Bridget taught Emmy the fine art of jamming blueberries up her nose. That was after the bead in the nose incident so I had 2 toddlers with stuff stuck in their noses near dinnertime.
My new comforter...put it on our bed & it is cozy but by this morning I'm not feeling so good. Labored breathing & then it hits me without even checking the tag. They sent the wrong one. The one on my bed is lined with feathers which I am allergic to. I'm surprised I made it thru the night actually. Already called the doctor this morning & already ran to pick up a steroid pack. A week of Prednisone thanks to fucking feathers thank you very much.
So things have to get better from this point on. Good things, good things. We have the sitter for Friday. That's a good thing. John's chef's jacket should come today (I'm praying to God, Elmo & UPS that it isn't lost too).
Lots to get done also. My fingers are crossed the kids cooperate at least a bit.
My new comforter...put it on our bed & it is cozy but by this morning I'm not feeling so good. Labored breathing & then it hits me without even checking the tag. They sent the wrong one. The one on my bed is lined with feathers which I am allergic to. I'm surprised I made it thru the night actually. Already called the doctor this morning & already ran to pick up a steroid pack. A week of Prednisone thanks to fucking feathers thank you very much.
So things have to get better from this point on. Good things, good things. We have the sitter for Friday. That's a good thing. John's chef's jacket should come today (I'm praying to God, Elmo & UPS that it isn't lost too).
Lots to get done also. My fingers are crossed the kids cooperate at least a bit.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
07:08 pm
Different variations on the same theme today- that theme being how to stress & piss me off. My bedding came, sort of. The 12 pound package was clearly opened & weighed maybe 2 pounds. I have a lovely cream comforter but am missing the bedskirt, shams & 2 sheetsets. I called customer service who then informed me both sheet sets are now out of stock so they refunded everything but the amount of the comforter & then recharged me for the shams & skirt.
Except. No refund is showing but the new charge went thru. Blew my flippin lid on poor "Irene" who then cancelled the shams & skirt & refunded everything but the cost of the comforter. As of right now I'm in the hole $250 for a mother truckin comforter because all of the charges are still showing against my Visa.
And I still need matching shams & a bedskirt not to mention sheets.
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02:18 pm
This is turning into the kind of day where I'd rather be a 2 dollar hooker than a mother.
No, I'm serious.
So far today I spent an hour removing a shiny necklace bead from Bridget's nose, I'm scrubbed squished blueberries off my kitchen floor & I've steam cleaned 2 carpets because of apple juice spills- purposeful ones.
While doing those things I've listened to Maya & or Emmy continually get in trouble, make messes, whatever while repeatedly blaming each other. Apparently the old "Not Me" ghost from Family Circus now resides with us.
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10:01 am
My brain is swirling in a zillion directions this morning. Maya starts school next week. It occured to me that in another year I'm going to be living in my car. 3 kids two different schools, 4 trips every day. I'll soon be morphing into the mom that is always running as opposed to the mom juggling toddlers. I'm really excited to get Maya out the door all day every day. That probably sounds horrible but it's really what she needs too. She needs to be with bigger kids & she needs to come into her own a bit more. It just feels like such a good transition time for all of us. I'm anxious for alone time with the babies. We noticed over the weekend just how toddlerish they become when Maya isn't home. The rest of the time they are trying to act like big girls but when it's just them, they are just silly. It'll be good for them to interact alone more.
I've been busy the last few days plotting & planning a bunch of stuff. We decided to push Maya's party back til the 18th. That date is a done deal. Plus she'll be in school & maybe want a few kids there which would be good too.
Prozac...is it helping? I haven't a clue. I didn't bottom out in the last few days & I likely would have so I guess it stopped that. I have 4 left & I'm wondering if I do another month or if I'm leveled out enough. Otherwise the only change in anything is appetite or complete lack of one. I just don't know.
Otherwise I've been writing a bit more than usual. Working on a few projects at once. It feels good to be somewhat productive at least.
Different variations on the same theme today- that theme being how to stress & piss me off. My bedding came, sort of. The 12 pound package was clearly opened & weighed maybe 2 pounds. I have a lovely cream comforter but am missing the bedskirt, shams & 2 sheetsets. I called customer service who then informed me both sheet sets are now out of stock so they refunded everything but the amount of the comforter & then recharged me for the shams & skirt.
Except. No refund is showing but the new charge went thru. Blew my flippin lid on poor "Irene" who then cancelled the shams & skirt & refunded everything but the cost of the comforter. As of right now I'm in the hole $250 for a mother truckin comforter because all of the charges are still showing against my Visa.
And I still need matching shams & a bedskirt not to mention sheets.
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02:18 pm
This is turning into the kind of day where I'd rather be a 2 dollar hooker than a mother.
No, I'm serious.
So far today I spent an hour removing a shiny necklace bead from Bridget's nose, I'm scrubbed squished blueberries off my kitchen floor & I've steam cleaned 2 carpets because of apple juice spills- purposeful ones.
While doing those things I've listened to Maya & or Emmy continually get in trouble, make messes, whatever while repeatedly blaming each other. Apparently the old "Not Me" ghost from Family Circus now resides with us.
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10:01 am
My brain is swirling in a zillion directions this morning. Maya starts school next week. It occured to me that in another year I'm going to be living in my car. 3 kids two different schools, 4 trips every day. I'll soon be morphing into the mom that is always running as opposed to the mom juggling toddlers. I'm really excited to get Maya out the door all day every day. That probably sounds horrible but it's really what she needs too. She needs to be with bigger kids & she needs to come into her own a bit more. It just feels like such a good transition time for all of us. I'm anxious for alone time with the babies. We noticed over the weekend just how toddlerish they become when Maya isn't home. The rest of the time they are trying to act like big girls but when it's just them, they are just silly. It'll be good for them to interact alone more.
I've been busy the last few days plotting & planning a bunch of stuff. We decided to push Maya's party back til the 18th. That date is a done deal. Plus she'll be in school & maybe want a few kids there which would be good too.
Prozac...is it helping? I haven't a clue. I didn't bottom out in the last few days & I likely would have so I guess it stopped that. I have 4 left & I'm wondering if I do another month or if I'm leveled out enough. Otherwise the only change in anything is appetite or complete lack of one. I just don't know.
Otherwise I've been writing a bit more than usual. Working on a few projects at once. It feels good to be somewhat productive at least.
Friday, August 19, 2005
08:44 pm
Getting one little girl ready for school is tiring. I cannot even imagine this time next year when there are 3 little girls needing stuff. Maya & I shopped today. She came home & immediately Em started tearing thru the bags, fashionista that she is. She picked out of pair of Maya's new jeans, put them on herself & spent an hour wearing them, holding them up the entire time. Maya loves her clothes but seems much happier with the new 96 pack of crayons she scored. And her Braatz backpack. That was a must have in her mind.
Me. I figured since I'm really skinny at this point I might as well work the cool mom angle & picked up a green shrug. Never after having three kids did I ever think I'd feel confident enough to wear half the shit I'm able to pull off nowadays. Even with the yoga. So I guess I should high five the cancer for making me have to take really good care of myself, right?
Calm night. My house is clean. reading material awaits. Take out is soon to be picked up. Can't complain about much, truly. Life is good.
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Getting one little girl ready for school is tiring. I cannot even imagine this time next year when there are 3 little girls needing stuff. Maya & I shopped today. She came home & immediately Em started tearing thru the bags, fashionista that she is. She picked out of pair of Maya's new jeans, put them on herself & spent an hour wearing them, holding them up the entire time. Maya loves her clothes but seems much happier with the new 96 pack of crayons she scored. And her Braatz backpack. That was a must have in her mind.
Me. I figured since I'm really skinny at this point I might as well work the cool mom angle & picked up a green shrug. Never after having three kids did I ever think I'd feel confident enough to wear half the shit I'm able to pull off nowadays. Even with the yoga. So I guess I should high five the cancer for making me have to take really good care of myself, right?
Calm night. My house is clean. reading material awaits. Take out is soon to be picked up. Can't complain about much, truly. Life is good.
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Monday, August 15, 2005
05:39 pm
I've had the priviledge of just watching the babies this afternoon. Take a 5 year old out of the equation & they get along well, usually. I was really struck by the spontonaity of their actions while talking to Aimee. B & Em were side by side bopping to Zoom when Em reached over and smacked B across the face without even glancing from the tv. The fighting snowballed downhill for what seemed like a very long time. 5 minutes after hanging up the phone I was on the floor trying to pry little bodies apart while they attempted to beat the piss out of each other for absolutely no reason at all. And this...this is as close to a break as I get this week because I have 2 kids instead of 3 for the night.
John's chef jacket shipped yesterday & will be here a good 10 days BEFORE his birthday. Speaking of him & his chef-ing skills. He was stressed last night & decided to make a cheesecake that finished baking at 12:30am. This morning the poor guy pulled it from the fridge & went to put fresh fruit on it but hit an invisible slick spot on the kitchen floor. Can you see it coming, you know you can...I got out of the shower to find him with half of a mangled cheesecake that was salvadgeable. That is the kind of crap that usually happens to me. I felt bad for him but I also know for him the catharsis is in MAKING the food not eating it.
The maggot pulled a fast one of course. John managed to blow her off for 2 full days before she landed on our doorstep this morning. He had work at noon & told her he would visit HER at his dads. This got all twisted of course & she called me last night to say John told her to come over to our house at 7am this morning! I didn't know she twisted things until late last night so she was here pathetically early this morning. But. But. I hid my wine for nothing because she drank Pepsi & nothing but that. Didn't ask for any booze thank god.
She attempted to start about Angie & I think she quickly realized no one wanted to hear it. She kept saying the new boyfriend is very naieve though. I must agree there. She quickly changed the subject to John's dad's birthday. it's in 2 weeks & she wanted to know what we're getting him. John won't tell her & simply said it's a surprise. She heard that, looked at us funny and then I swear to god says, "Are you having another baby???Maybe it'll be a boy."
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I calmly looked at her & assured her that Angie will likely have a son.
That emotional rollercoaster aside, I'm ok.
I've had the priviledge of just watching the babies this afternoon. Take a 5 year old out of the equation & they get along well, usually. I was really struck by the spontonaity of their actions while talking to Aimee. B & Em were side by side bopping to Zoom when Em reached over and smacked B across the face without even glancing from the tv. The fighting snowballed downhill for what seemed like a very long time. 5 minutes after hanging up the phone I was on the floor trying to pry little bodies apart while they attempted to beat the piss out of each other for absolutely no reason at all. And this...this is as close to a break as I get this week because I have 2 kids instead of 3 for the night.
John's chef jacket shipped yesterday & will be here a good 10 days BEFORE his birthday. Speaking of him & his chef-ing skills. He was stressed last night & decided to make a cheesecake that finished baking at 12:30am. This morning the poor guy pulled it from the fridge & went to put fresh fruit on it but hit an invisible slick spot on the kitchen floor. Can you see it coming, you know you can...I got out of the shower to find him with half of a mangled cheesecake that was salvadgeable. That is the kind of crap that usually happens to me. I felt bad for him but I also know for him the catharsis is in MAKING the food not eating it.
The maggot pulled a fast one of course. John managed to blow her off for 2 full days before she landed on our doorstep this morning. He had work at noon & told her he would visit HER at his dads. This got all twisted of course & she called me last night to say John told her to come over to our house at 7am this morning! I didn't know she twisted things until late last night so she was here pathetically early this morning. But. But. I hid my wine for nothing because she drank Pepsi & nothing but that. Didn't ask for any booze thank god.
She attempted to start about Angie & I think she quickly realized no one wanted to hear it. She kept saying the new boyfriend is very naieve though. I must agree there. She quickly changed the subject to John's dad's birthday. it's in 2 weeks & she wanted to know what we're getting him. John won't tell her & simply said it's a surprise. She heard that, looked at us funny and then I swear to god says, "Are you having another baby???Maybe it'll be a boy."
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I calmly looked at her & assured her that Angie will likely have a son.
That emotional rollercoaster aside, I'm ok.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
11:25 am
I'm worried about Bridget. She has been acting really quiet the last 2 days & this morning she keeps saying her tummy hurts & then bursting into tears. No other symptoms, no fever, no one else is sick. She is barely moving around at all & can't stand straight.
This is the part of mothering I hate. Trying to figure out what is wrong. Trying to guess whether it's a tummy bug or something serious. I hate not knowing what to do. Wait it out...call the ped...Crap.
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09:54 am
Someone said something the other day that really made me think. The relationship with Andy will always be different from any other because of how it ended. It wasn't that things turned to utter shit or that there was no communication or connection. It wasn't unraveled by lies or deception. Everything was very good when it ended. There was nothing between he & I personally to end it. Nothing in our actions or interactions it was completely situational. Simply a wonderful situation at the wrong time.
How often does that really happen in life? That you walk away because you have to for outside reasons. Not very. Because of that it will always feel like it had the potential to be better than it really could have been. It'll always be different.
Not in a great mood this morning. Everything just feels heavy. Going thru the motions feels heavy. The weight of the kids needs feels like it is crushing me. Breathing just feels like a necessary, energy blowing effort. I don't want to leave the house & yet I know staying in will be no good for any of us.
I'm worried about Bridget. She has been acting really quiet the last 2 days & this morning she keeps saying her tummy hurts & then bursting into tears. No other symptoms, no fever, no one else is sick. She is barely moving around at all & can't stand straight.
This is the part of mothering I hate. Trying to figure out what is wrong. Trying to guess whether it's a tummy bug or something serious. I hate not knowing what to do. Wait it out...call the ped...Crap.
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09:54 am
Someone said something the other day that really made me think. The relationship with Andy will always be different from any other because of how it ended. It wasn't that things turned to utter shit or that there was no communication or connection. It wasn't unraveled by lies or deception. Everything was very good when it ended. There was nothing between he & I personally to end it. Nothing in our actions or interactions it was completely situational. Simply a wonderful situation at the wrong time.
How often does that really happen in life? That you walk away because you have to for outside reasons. Not very. Because of that it will always feel like it had the potential to be better than it really could have been. It'll always be different.
Not in a great mood this morning. Everything just feels heavy. Going thru the motions feels heavy. The weight of the kids needs feels like it is crushing me. Breathing just feels like a necessary, energy blowing effort. I don't want to leave the house & yet I know staying in will be no good for any of us.
Monday, August 8, 2005
04:24 pm
I'm not really upset & in a depressive funk BTW. Yes, there's heavy stuff but I'm okay.
Good highlites of today...
Maya is FINALLY writing her full name.
Em volunteered to wear her panties all afternoon & had NO accidents.
I thought the sitter is away this week & today I found out I was wrong so John & I have a date night Friday.
I scheduled an appointment with Tom (AKA marriage counselor extraordinaire) on Friday morning.
It's 4pm & somehow my house is clean, laundry is put away, kids had early baths & a huge Italian homemade dinner is simmering.
I figured out John's birthday prezzie...a chef's jacket.
Decided Maya's birthday party will be Sept. 4.
And...I get to shop this week.
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I'm not really upset & in a depressive funk BTW. Yes, there's heavy stuff but I'm okay.
Good highlites of today...
Maya is FINALLY writing her full name.
Em volunteered to wear her panties all afternoon & had NO accidents.
I thought the sitter is away this week & today I found out I was wrong so John & I have a date night Friday.
I scheduled an appointment with Tom (AKA marriage counselor extraordinaire) on Friday morning.
It's 4pm & somehow my house is clean, laundry is put away, kids had early baths & a huge Italian homemade dinner is simmering.
I figured out John's birthday prezzie...a chef's jacket.
Decided Maya's birthday party will be Sept. 4.
And...I get to shop this week.
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Saturday, August 6, 2005
Not a whole bunch to say this morning. Little things to look forward to...
Criminal Intent is on tonite & it's one of my favorite albeit fuckered episodes. Emotional Vincent D'Onofrio always puts me in a good mood.
John's actually only working til 5 so I'll have help for what seems like the first time in days.
I'm actually hungry for something, anything. Bruschetta & salad. I haven't felt hungry in over a week.
John earned a surprise bonus in next week's commission. He actually made me promise to spend it on me. Not the kids, the house, bills, whatever. I've been ordered to shop for myself.
Otherwise...a few bits...
Dear Bridget,
My dear, it is virtually impossible to pee on the little potty when you insist on taking it apart. I know, I know. It does look like a "silly hat" when you put it on your head, but please. You have other silly hats, let's let Emmy actually use her potty.
Love,
Mom
Dear Mr. Hot Gardener,
Yes, I've seen you the last 2 days, turning off the main street and driving 6 houses down mine only to have it put you back out onto the Main street all over again. I've seen you NOT stop at the neighbor's but instead staring at my house as you slowly drive by.
Yours truly,
The "Pretty Gardener"
Dear John,
Honey, I loathe cheesecake. It's not personal, it's a texture thing. Feeding me your gourmet cheesecake at midnite is not going to go over well. I'm not a good judge of taste, richness, etc. It tastes like an overpriced sponge to me.
Love the chef's jacket though,
"Punkin"
Dear Slowest Grcoery Cashier on The Planet Earth,
If I don't want my gallon of milk in a bag there's a really good chance that I won't want my 4 gallons of juice, laundry detergent, bleach, CASE of pepsi(How does that fit in a bag???) or anything else bulky in one either. You don't need to ask on EVERY SINGLE ITEM. If I didn't want the first apple juice in a bag you can bet your tired ass I don't want the other apple juice in one either.
P.S. You look like Suzanne Vega circa. Luca...
Never picking your line again,
The Bitchy, eye-rolling redhead
Criminal Intent is on tonite & it's one of my favorite albeit fuckered episodes. Emotional Vincent D'Onofrio always puts me in a good mood.
John's actually only working til 5 so I'll have help for what seems like the first time in days.
I'm actually hungry for something, anything. Bruschetta & salad. I haven't felt hungry in over a week.
John earned a surprise bonus in next week's commission. He actually made me promise to spend it on me. Not the kids, the house, bills, whatever. I've been ordered to shop for myself.
Otherwise...a few bits...
Dear Bridget,
My dear, it is virtually impossible to pee on the little potty when you insist on taking it apart. I know, I know. It does look like a "silly hat" when you put it on your head, but please. You have other silly hats, let's let Emmy actually use her potty.
Love,
Mom
Dear Mr. Hot Gardener,
Yes, I've seen you the last 2 days, turning off the main street and driving 6 houses down mine only to have it put you back out onto the Main street all over again. I've seen you NOT stop at the neighbor's but instead staring at my house as you slowly drive by.
Yours truly,
The "Pretty Gardener"
Dear John,
Honey, I loathe cheesecake. It's not personal, it's a texture thing. Feeding me your gourmet cheesecake at midnite is not going to go over well. I'm not a good judge of taste, richness, etc. It tastes like an overpriced sponge to me.
Love the chef's jacket though,
"Punkin"
Dear Slowest Grcoery Cashier on The Planet Earth,
If I don't want my gallon of milk in a bag there's a really good chance that I won't want my 4 gallons of juice, laundry detergent, bleach, CASE of pepsi(How does that fit in a bag???) or anything else bulky in one either. You don't need to ask on EVERY SINGLE ITEM. If I didn't want the first apple juice in a bag you can bet your tired ass I don't want the other apple juice in one either.
P.S. You look like Suzanne Vega circa. Luca...
Never picking your line again,
The Bitchy, eye-rolling redhead
Tuesday, August 2, 2005
09:22 am
The maggot called yesterday & informed me that she'll be out "in a week or so". Now, I know that she never gives notice & in all actuality she could be halfway across the state heading in our direction as I type. She went off about John needing to think only of his kids, etc. I agreed & told her that in order to do that he intends to set down groundrules. That concept zoomed right over her head. Didn't even occur to her that those might apply to her. Tom (marriage counselor extraordinaire) sensed the next visit would be a battle of "Gettysburg proportions". Sadly, John & I both agree. I dread even thinking about it. I wish I could be completely left out of the impending disaster but that just isn't realistic. John is being very strong & stern in what he will deal with though, thank God. In his words, he needs to be even more solid because we won't be part of her Springer show antics.
My energy really is slowly returning- as evidenced by my 6am yoga session. The physical helps the mental a lot. I don't feel so friggin defeated when I feel at least a bit like my normal physical self. Still zero appetite though. I mean, zilch.
This just pisses me off. WTFuck. If they couldn't launch the damn thing safely scrap the mission. If you've watched since last week there are like THREE completely different problems that could cause Discovery to disintegrate upon rentry. Honestly I'll be shocked if that thing makes it back onto the ground in one piece. I feel bad for the crew. I mean, they know the risks & choose to take them but...they likely believed they were more safe than ever after the last NASA shuttle clusterfuck.
Rant over.
The maggot called yesterday & informed me that she'll be out "in a week or so". Now, I know that she never gives notice & in all actuality she could be halfway across the state heading in our direction as I type. She went off about John needing to think only of his kids, etc. I agreed & told her that in order to do that he intends to set down groundrules. That concept zoomed right over her head. Didn't even occur to her that those might apply to her. Tom (marriage counselor extraordinaire) sensed the next visit would be a battle of "Gettysburg proportions". Sadly, John & I both agree. I dread even thinking about it. I wish I could be completely left out of the impending disaster but that just isn't realistic. John is being very strong & stern in what he will deal with though, thank God. In his words, he needs to be even more solid because we won't be part of her Springer show antics.
My energy really is slowly returning- as evidenced by my 6am yoga session. The physical helps the mental a lot. I don't feel so friggin defeated when I feel at least a bit like my normal physical self. Still zero appetite though. I mean, zilch.
This just pisses me off. WTFuck. If they couldn't launch the damn thing safely scrap the mission. If you've watched since last week there are like THREE completely different problems that could cause Discovery to disintegrate upon rentry. Honestly I'll be shocked if that thing makes it back onto the ground in one piece. I feel bad for the crew. I mean, they know the risks & choose to take them but...they likely believed they were more safe than ever after the last NASA shuttle clusterfuck.
Rant over.
Monday, August 1, 2005
Long relaxing day yesterday. I went absolutely nowhere at all. We didn't budge. John grilled a ton of food, the kids played in their pool & that was about it, with a bunch of lazyness in between.
We decided, we want to send the babies to Montessori NEXT Sept. I'm going to call this week for info to be sure that we can get them both in since it's early. I'm not sure about full or half days yet. I'm on the fence. Bridget will only be 3 & I'm thinking maybe half is better. Tuition is steep considering they are babies 4 grand (for both kids combined) for half days, 6 grand for full but there is a discount if you enroll more than one child. It's the only sure way to send them to school together & if they are still at the same level the following year then B's age will be irrelevant. She'll be allowed in anywhere.
John mentioned Maya's birthday yesterday. It's about 5 weeks away which means I have a party to plan. I asked her yesterday what theme she wants & she said either Disney Princesses or Braatz. I still think she is too young for Braatz but have budged with Braatz shirts & puzzles. Maybe I'll find her a doll that is okay for her age & the princess theme it'll be. But I get to plan a cool party for a cool big girl.
Day 4 of Prozac with no side effects other than one...I have NO appetite whatsoever. I mean, none. No matter how sick I've been in the last few months, I've been hungry. I've needed to eat. Now I feel like my stomach doesn't exist. i realized this last night when John asked what I ate yesterday. Salad at lunch & um...um...um...nothing.He went & reheated chicken for me & I swear I FORCED 3 bites before pushing it away. I felt like I'd eaten a ton & would get sick if I ate anymore. I expected to be hungry all the time or at least to have no problem eating. I actually told John this morning to keep tabs on me a bit when he is around. I get busy & if I'm not hungry I don't think to eat.
We talked the other night about the situation with his mother & sister for the first time in 2 weeks. I mean, he dumped his thoughts quite a bit.He wants nothing to do with Angie still, or the new baby. He feels he needs to focus any of that extra energy on Peyton, or at least that's where his loyalty needs to lie. The rest of the family will flip flop & Peyton will feel bad & all sorts of other negative things. She needs to see someone only in her corner. He hates his sister for creating this "abomination" (NOT the baby, but the situation is just that), knowing she & likely her boyfriend will not live long enough to raise this kid. When the maggot told Angie she won't raise another of her kids Angie laughed it off & said, "Oh, okay,." in a way that indicated she believes the family WILL take over again. I told John my honest to god feeling, that we are going to need to move completely away from here if we want peace. He cut me off & said this was part of his total meltdown a few weeks back. He agrees. We're going to have to completely uproot ourselves to get the hell away. Because of other people basically. I'm glad, very relieved that we are in agreement already. The line of thinking is identical thank god.
Bathing Divas...
(Thru the looking glass, literally)
John cheering on Emmy who just went underwater willingly...
All lifeguards hope to see naked chicks, just not THIS kind
We decided, we want to send the babies to Montessori NEXT Sept. I'm going to call this week for info to be sure that we can get them both in since it's early. I'm not sure about full or half days yet. I'm on the fence. Bridget will only be 3 & I'm thinking maybe half is better. Tuition is steep considering they are babies 4 grand (for both kids combined) for half days, 6 grand for full but there is a discount if you enroll more than one child. It's the only sure way to send them to school together & if they are still at the same level the following year then B's age will be irrelevant. She'll be allowed in anywhere.
John mentioned Maya's birthday yesterday. It's about 5 weeks away which means I have a party to plan. I asked her yesterday what theme she wants & she said either Disney Princesses or Braatz. I still think she is too young for Braatz but have budged with Braatz shirts & puzzles. Maybe I'll find her a doll that is okay for her age & the princess theme it'll be. But I get to plan a cool party for a cool big girl.
Day 4 of Prozac with no side effects other than one...I have NO appetite whatsoever. I mean, none. No matter how sick I've been in the last few months, I've been hungry. I've needed to eat. Now I feel like my stomach doesn't exist. i realized this last night when John asked what I ate yesterday. Salad at lunch & um...um...um...nothing.He went & reheated chicken for me & I swear I FORCED 3 bites before pushing it away. I felt like I'd eaten a ton & would get sick if I ate anymore. I expected to be hungry all the time or at least to have no problem eating. I actually told John this morning to keep tabs on me a bit when he is around. I get busy & if I'm not hungry I don't think to eat.
We talked the other night about the situation with his mother & sister for the first time in 2 weeks. I mean, he dumped his thoughts quite a bit.He wants nothing to do with Angie still, or the new baby. He feels he needs to focus any of that extra energy on Peyton, or at least that's where his loyalty needs to lie. The rest of the family will flip flop & Peyton will feel bad & all sorts of other negative things. She needs to see someone only in her corner. He hates his sister for creating this "abomination" (NOT the baby, but the situation is just that), knowing she & likely her boyfriend will not live long enough to raise this kid. When the maggot told Angie she won't raise another of her kids Angie laughed it off & said, "Oh, okay,." in a way that indicated she believes the family WILL take over again. I told John my honest to god feeling, that we are going to need to move completely away from here if we want peace. He cut me off & said this was part of his total meltdown a few weeks back. He agrees. We're going to have to completely uproot ourselves to get the hell away. Because of other people basically. I'm glad, very relieved that we are in agreement already. The line of thinking is identical thank god.
Bathing Divas...
(Thru the looking glass, literally)
John cheering on Emmy who just went underwater willingly...
All lifeguards hope to see naked chicks, just not THIS kind
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