Things I will do today...




Get the kids out to do some shopping. Emmy wants new shiny's, Maya wants a puzzle & B will love pretty much anything with a puppy plastered on it.



Go & get the groceries that I should have gotten at the beginning of the week.



Clean up the house.



Drink vanilla coffee because I've barely even done that!!



Tie up my falling over Lisianthus so that it doesn't die.



Run to Barnes & Noble ALONE later.



Give John the priviledge of making dinner. He wants to grill & despite my not wanting grilled food, it's a break.



See Tom this afternoon. He actually called me yesterday to check in & to tell me he left a space for me. His vacation is next week so I guess venting would be good.



Fill the Prozac script so that I can be fat & on a zooming caffeine-like high for the next 30 days all in the name of sanity.



Take pictures of something. Anything.



Yoga. Period.



In other word, force things until they feel good again.

09:24 am - Tagged


Three nicknames - Tan, punkin, Daphne (as in "Ditzy Daphne")

Three things I like about myself - my long legs, my 2 different colored eyes, my moral compass(usually)

Three things I don't like about myself - my temper, sometimes I see all sides of a situation too much & I end up getting walked on, my ex-dancer feet

Three things that scare me - spiders, planes, losing a child

Three everyday essentials - coffee, vanilla lotion, something to read

Three things I'm wearing right now - a gray polo shirt of John's, Old Navy slippers with cats all over them, my librarian glasses

Three fave bands growing up - Duran Duran, Whitesnake, Def Lep

2 truths and a lie - I worked as a hair stylist for years,I hate cats, I love candles

Three things I can certainly live without - stress, John's family, seafood

Three places I want to go on vacation - Paris, Banff, Ireland

Three things I want to do before I die - build that dreamhouse, raise good kids, relax

Tag three people - No pressure!

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09:20 am

So I'm much better. Perhaps it's the Prozac Placebo Effect? No seriously, I'm joking on that. Last month I sank like a rock and after about a week I slowly felt better. Not good, but hella good compared to how bad that was. So that's where I am. Not good, but better than that.



Follow?



Yesterday felt better but I wasn't fooled. I know that this is an imbalance so I filled the prozac. This time next month I'll bottom out again & by then the meds should be working to level everything out. I'll revaluate in a month but if this works then I'll probably do a second month to be safe. I know it'll take 2-3 weeks to feel any changes & in 3 weeks I'll be heading into the craptastic zone again.



Lots of stuff bouncing around my head. I looked into a Montessori school like 5 minutes away. If all goes as hoped & CAN start Em & B together there next year. They both need to be 3 by Sept. 1 & they will be.



We're definetly not renewing our vows in late September. There is just no way. A Christmas renewal is being kicked around though. Something just for John & I basically. We actually both agree, no kids, no family. It's about us. Selfish yes. But at this point that is okay We both want to resolidify things & have that memory to help cancel out the bad shit. It has nothing to do with anyone else. It'll definetly be out of state, in NY where we married anyway. Right now it's a toss up between Lake Placid where we originally married or NYC. December in the Adirondaks or Christmas in NYC. Both are gorgeous in completely different ways. Both are magical in their own right. Lake Placid is just amazing 7 I can't gush enough about it in any season. We've pooled lots of possibilities there. Something a bit traditional to hell, renew vows on the lake during a sleigh ride. NYC it would definetly be at the Algonquin. So...Tania needs another type of dress. Damn, I'll need to shop.



John was cooking obsessively last night. I was watching him & realized that I really was watching a chef at work. I mean, I know this. But last night, I really saw it. Right down to presentation. The man took pictures with his cell of his grilled salmon.



Insane.



He mentioned Gordon Ramsey & I asked him, if the producers of Hell's Kitchen happened to be at a restaurant that you worked at & offered you a spot on the next season, would you do it. His response, "Definetly. In a minute." I thought about it while he babbled about work. He was a sous chef in an upscale Italian restaurant, he was pastry chef & ran an Italian bakery, he has cooked in a bunch of other places. He can truly do it all. He is anal about his cooking. It HAS to be perfect or he is pissed at himself.



After 5 minutes of kicking it around I decided, I'm applying for Hell's Kitchen 2 on his behalf. I'm guessing they'll have info about it after the season finale on Monday. It seems like a real longshot but after thinking about it, given a chane I think he would do really well.



Have I mentioned how tired of the sound of screaming little girls I am?

09:25 am


I looked back & realized it was this time last month that I turned into a hormonal basketcase. This week I've been slipping, seemingly nothing can stop the slide. Yesterday was beyond hard & today I was near tears again upon waking. This basically tells me there is a definete imbalance at work thanks to the ablation in June. I climbed out of it a bit, not entirely, but a bit, for a few weeks & now here I am again. That said, I'll start the meds tomorrow, looking at it as a temporary thing to balance me out. I can't live like this that much I'm sure of. The things that normally are my escapes & loves I could care less about. How many NEW pics have I taken in the last month? I've painted nothing. I am FORCING myself to work out today. The garden, who cares is my thinking. You get the idea.



Totally not myself.



I haven't said much at all to John about how bad I feel again. He is scrambling at work & under typical last week of the month stress. I told him this morning that I feel really bad again but didn't elaborate. If I did I would have fallen apart & he didn't need to start his day that way. Maybe later I'll spill.

I'm the nutjob that calls this blog home. I'm a journalist by profession & a writer by nature. Words just flow & when I'm really hormonal emotional then they really flow. Seriously, I need to write. it's part of who I am.




Who I am also includes 35 year old mom to 3 diva princesses & wifey of 8 years to John. I'm forever trying to climb out of the role of "everybody's favorite maid" but my compulsive need to clean freeze pops off the front porch immediately keeps me stuck.



My interests are all over the place. I'm a fitness goof that loves Yoga, Pilates, running & dance in all of its incarnations. I also drink more coffee on any given day then Juan Valdez & could hide out happily in a bookstore for hours on end. Music...I love some of everything EXCEPT country. I don't care how redneck funny that Larry The Cable Guy is, his choice of music sucks in my opinion. I'm an artist in many respects.It runs in my families blood I think. I paint, draw, love pastels, charcoal & am especially fond of B&W or sepia photography.



Much of last winter was spent planted on the couch watching old Law & Order episodes & I've come away from that needing a 12 Step Program for my rampant crushes. Criminal Intent's Vincent D'Onofrio & SVU's Chris Meleoni. I always prefer the hulky kind of offbeat guy.



The past year has been heaven & hell combined. We came thisclose, no closer to divorcing & somehow turned the mess back into a stronger marriage. Add to that lots of other speedbumps & it has been interesting to say the least.



John~







35 year old hubby & daddy to the divas. He is a workaholic & lives at a car dealership 5.5 days a week. No really, he pretty much does. However his days off are pretty much devoted to family time (that wasn't always the case). He is even more of a bookworm & music fiend than I am. He also loves cooking in any way, shape or form. His idea of a perfect Saturday night at home includes cooking & talking while Garrison Keillor plays in the background.



He comes from a family possibly more fuckered than mine. My mother is a bible thumping Jehovah's Witness while his mom starts drinking the minute one eyeball pops open & she keeps the party going until she passes out. Religion is to my family what Jerry Springeresque chair throwing is to his.



Somehow we meet in the middle & try to avoid them all like the plague.



Maya~





Maya will be 6 in September. She is the queen diva, the oldest of the bunch. Stubborn from day one, when she wants something she sinks her heels in & waits. John says she gets this from me. She also gets the artistic vibe from me. Everything is visual. She draws, paints, does crafts, has to make something everyday. In between that she does puzzles- 300 piece ones. She loves Disney Princess' & Barbies but if forced to choose, art always comes first. She is also a nurturer. She treats Bridget like a little mommy. It astounds me the connection that they share.



Emmy~







Emmy was the sweet angel baby. I knew that the whole time I was pregnant. I didn't know she'd have a head full of red curls & big blue marble eyes. She is a future heartbreaker & she already knows it. She is truly the diva of the bunch. Girlie girl all the way. Her day is like Groundhog Day only it involves dressing, getting her hair done, shiny jelwery, lotions-potions-etc. She is only 3 but already says hi to every single boy she sees. This is the kid that you look at & just KNOW she is out-thinking you.



Bridget~









Bridget (AKA B or Beezy) is the oh-my-gawd-we-can't-be-pregnant baby. She was born 50 weeks AFTER Em, making them IrishTwins. 10 days out of every year they are the same age. While B was a shock she is the best gift in the world. Always happy, always sweet. She lives to entertain, seriously. If something makes us laugh we see it a whole lot. If things are quiet B is singing to herself while dancing. All of that & she is a cuddler. She loves cozy time with me & a pile of book. Animals are another huge thing. She loves puppies best but her birthday kitty is a best friend. Ella actually sits willingly on B's lap & sleeps next to her at night! She might be the smartest of the bunch. Everything Emmy does B can do just as well & sometimes better.



The Cats~

09:21 am


Sometimes you're better off dead

There's gun in your hand and it's pointing at your head

You think you're mad, too unstable

Kicking in chairs and knocking down tables

In a restaurant in a West End town

Call the police, there's a madman around

Running down underground to a dive bar

In a West End town

~ Pet Shop Boys ~



Sometimes my dreams really do speak volumes. This morning I woke simply disturbed. I dreamt I had been walking in a marshy, open kind of area. Think of what it's like behind a stripmall minus the pavement. On each side of me was trees & behind the trees on both sides was a line of brush fire. In the area where I was walking was what looked like a huge abandoned building. I was paniced exactly, just anxious to find my way out of there.



According to the dream dictionary...



Fire

Spirit. Energy. Unpolluted and cleansing. Need to be inspired or renewed.



Flame

Inspiration.I ntensity of emotion. Need to release a feeling.



Burning

Consuming energy. Fiery release. Being passionate towards something.



Walking

Freedom. Movement. Ask yourself where do you want to go



Warehouse

Storage of resources. Ready to put away some feelings.



Weed Useless.

Unwanted. Feelings of being undesired .



Moving

Change. New start. Ready to leave something behind.



Mud

Slanderous charges. Messy feelings. Family disturbances.



Anxiety

Overcoming enemies. Happiness. Good health.



Smoking or Smoke

Restricted vision. Cloud. Screen .Looking to hide certain feelings.



Yeah, I'll just leave it at that.



I woke this morning, looked at the clock & felt a really sinking sense of dread. Why? Because it's morning & I have to get up. It hit me hard this morning, I am really depressed. Somehow I have to shove myself into gear & I have to do something with the kids today. It has been hot as hell, 90's with the heat index well over 100 this week. Today should be a tiny bit better. They are beating the hell out of each other out of sheer boredom this morning.



It's also John's swamped week at work so his presence has & will be minimal until Friday.



I should call Tom & make an appointment. I know this but what is there to say, really? I'm fucked up hormonally, miserable, depressed...blah, blah, blah.



Get over it already Tania.

Gretchen said something earlier that really hit home. She also has 3 girls & she said something to the effect of feeling like she has lost a son. I'm not sure the exact context that it was meant in, but it just made me think. And feel. And realize an awful lot.




When I was pregnant with Maya we were repeatedly told she was a boy. Proof that sono's can be wrong. Even an hour before delivery the doc took a look & still thought, boy. We spent 4 months preparing for our son. The baby was referred to as "Ian"(pronounced E-N) until I actually delivered a Maya instead. We were shocked & surprised & more than anything just thrown for a loop.



Ian had become so real in those few months that at first it was hard to connect all of the inutero stuff to Maya & not some little boy. I think after time John & I both really felt that he would eventually be here because he became too real not to ever exist. Whereas now the reality is that he will not ever exist.



I never really saw it before today but I've spent the last 6 weeks grieving a son I felt like I'd already, in some fucked up sense, carried. Even though that son never really truly existed, all of the things that go with expecting a boy, I experienced those things. Minus ever having the son.



I don't think I mentioned Suz emailing me last week some pathetically sugar laced pile of shit about the baby. All is happy-happy to hear her tell it. I'm not buying it for a second but the fact that she keeps trying to sell it makes me iller.



If she were a good person I'd still have conflicting feelings about the situation. I want Andy to be happy & I know he wanted a baby so I'd be happy yet resentful. Pure selfishness on my part, I fully own that. Yes I decided to work things out with John & I decided things WERE working so it's unfair to hope that he spends the rest of his life missing me. But the human side thinks it would be kind of...nice? Nice to know I was that loved even after the fact.



Yep. Pure selfish Tania right there.



But to know what I do. To know that she has used 2 pregnancies in one year to keep him there. To know that if I'd opened my mouth she would not have had a chance to quick get pregnant again. To know that he isn't happy because if he was she wouldn't work so hard to convince me. She forgets I know him as well as she does. She tries to forget that he & I are alike in our needs & so I know by her words what is missing. And to know that a month from today she'll be having their son...could leave me heaving and hyperventilating for a good long time.



Timing is fucking everything is it not?



Am I bitter much?



So with those thought whirling I did what I do when I'm supposed to be resting. I power cleaned today. Keep busy, don't think. I also went a little overboard in the kitchen. Dinner is homemade pasta, homemade sauce, homemade meatballs & homemade apple pie.



On a saner note because there actually is one. John has been back on track and the reconnecting has happened. We are really okay again. I sort of retreated into my head & the goings on here & just held on until we passed the speed bumps.



I haven't shot anything in days so here is an old Bridget...

Feb. 2003



And an old Emmy & B



Maya & B

09:46 am - All The Little Pieces...








I just want to stay in bed, if for no other reason then because I just don't know what comes next. As of right now I am cancer free. It was all cut out yesterday. I'm likely to spend the next few weeks with a sick, freaking out body and then I'll be good for awhile. I won't know until November if this is truly done. If it grows back again then I'll have a full hysterectomy and it will be definetly done then. What I'm sure of is that I cannot spend the next few months with this eating away at the back of my brain. I have to figure out how to once again shelve it for awhile so that I'm living and not just passing time. The transfusion that I so didn't want last week boosted me up to nearly an 11. Anything over a 12 is a good hemoglobin reading so I'm nowhere near anemic now. That's good overall. Although I kind of preferred to blame my dragging ass on that rather than the underlying condition. I need to gain some weight back but I've managed to keep myself really fit in spite of everything. Doc said that I'm tiny but actually look very strong, "Good thing Tania, you don't appear sick. Pale, but not sick. You're already strong your body just hasn't been able to feel it."



I got myself thru yesterday and watched Hell's Kitchen with John last night. I'm hoping Ralph wins at this point. We went up to bed after that & I told him about the doctor's. Not the medical, but the emotional stuff. I didn't need to say much for him to get it. I mentioned the little boy in the stroller & John's grip on me tightened.



He knew exactly what I was thinking without me needing to really elaborate.



I hope that this sadness passes soon. It just occured to me Suz's boy is due in a month & I'd put money on John's sister having a boy. Count. On. It. I feel crazy sitting here with 3 kids & still being upset over this. It's one of those things I can't say outloud because it is just thankless & hormonal. All of the logic in the world doesn't make me feel less...like I am less. Less of a woman. Less of a youngish woman anyway. Officially old at 35. I jumped straight to the head of the insanity line a few weeks ago by actually apologizing to John for not giving him a son.



Fucking crazy chick.



I know this. I know the realities of gender selection. I know I had no say in it. I know. I know. Yet I felt bad enough to be sorry. Bawling my eyes out sorry. That was the point where John pretty much KNEW he was dealing with a hormonal, sometimes irrational nutbag.



Forced menopauce & cervical cancer don't mix well.



The prozac...I don't want to take it & am reading up. I'm thinking I'll just look at it as another area that needs to be balanced out right now. Everything is out of whack so maybe a month on it isn't a bad idea at all. I like that he suggested a nontraditional approach. Take it for a month & then see how I am as opposed to here's a 6 month script...



That makes it feel better. Temporary, like everything else is.

07:09 pm - Just A Little Pin Prick...


Pain lies on the riverside

So put your feet in the water

Put your head in the water

Put your soul in the water

And join me for a swim tonight

I have forever, always tried

To stay clean and constantly baptized

I am aware now that the river's banks are dry

And to wait for a flood

Is to wait for life

I've got to learn to live until no end

But first I must learn to swim

All over again~ Live



It is the kind of day where I sit crunched up in this chair listening to "Monster Ballads" (think Cinderella, Warrant, Kix) and eating peanut butter ripple ice cream for a nice brunch/dinner combo.



Has it been rough enough to warrant nearly 20 year old hair band tunes and ice cold comfort? Yeah, though not in the ways that I saw coming. The surgery...well. After last months uterus burning, this was nothing. Seriously, nothing. I felt a bit crampy just like cryo does and it was over as fast. Cancer is gone at least we think, for now. What was removed will be biopsied and even if part of it ended up being stage II it won't matter because it is already out. That, I was really prepared for. Physically as ready as I can be. Mentally prepared for the uncertainty and waiting that lies ahead.



Somehow, it hadn't occured to me exactly where I was going. I was so focused on getting in there, getting thru it and then discussing the menopausal shizzle that I forgot. He is an OB/GYN. Mondays are bigtime preggo days. I used to be a Monday appointment with both Em & B.



Somehow while mentally preparing I forgot about emotionally readying myself. I walked in & there sat 3 very pregnant women. Deep breath, sit down. Today he was backed up too. So for the first time in YEARS, I really waited. 45 minutes before being called. That has only happened one other time in 6 years. Today was a waiting room of very pregnant women & not one, but two women with baby boys in strollers. One beside me was named "Ben" & 7 months old. Looked like a china doll but with dark hair & eyes. The cutest baby & for whatever reason he kept going out of his way to get my attention.



By the time Ann Marie(nurse) called me back I was on the very edge of tears. Thankfully half of my ablation pathology report was MIA & that provided a distraction. She called & had it faxed over while I was there & at least everything doc removed last month...the several polyps were all nothing.



Have you ever tried to tell your doctor that you are basically a hormonal, emotional basketcase? Ever tried to figure out exactly what to say to get some help without getting yourself locked away for awhile. Ever tried to do that while still be very upset by pretty much the entire waiting room you knew you'd have to face just to get yourself out the door?



Bad. Bad. Lousy. Humbling. Just awful.



He suggested waiting on any hormone replacement type stuff & trying an antidepressant for a month or 2. He said try it then go against the norm & stop it after a month & see how I feel. It might be that I just need something to balance me out and 30 days might be enough.



So hello Prozac.



John is back to being ridiculously supportive. I got out of that office & got home before a few tears fell. He realized & went into "It's going to be fine..." mode & I thought how friggin ironic. I'm not crying about cancer or the concept of being sick. It's the thought of that bitty boy making me so upset.



I shoved him out the door for a few hours to work. I needed to gather myself a bit. He has called 3 times in 5 hours. Last night we were talking & for the first time I really saw it- just how worn out he is from worrying. Worrying about me. It has taken a big toll on both of us.



Tonite the plan is to go to bed early. He wants to just curl up together & I'm heading there anyway. There's nothing I want to do other than to stretch out and try to cope.



I feel like that's where I'm at. I need to figure out how to cope.

11:00 pm


My mother called tonite.



Yes, you read that right. My mother called me.



She remembered I have surgery on Monday & since it's a family situation & all, she & my dad would be very willing to help out since the cult says family situations are A-OK. She wanted to know if I needed help, babysitting, anything at all.



I turned down all offers.



A first. Truly it is. Before I've thought, be grateful for whatever she can give. Not tonite though.



Tonite I was gracious in the moment while being simply insulted. She hasn't seen me since December. she lives 30 minutes away & now that her fellow cultists elders say its ok, now she wants to see me under the guise of being helpful.



No move is ever just genuine & in the moment. It's all carefully plotted.



Maybe, if we help she'll be impressed & start studying her bible. Maybe she'll come to a meeting. Maybe she'll see how we have verbally beat Cassie into zoned out submission & become curious.



Or maybe I can be offended that it took your cults permission to offer a moment of kindness to your firstborn.



I've never stopped her from seeing my kids before. I've never blown her off on the rare occassions that she would show interest. Tonite was different. Tonite I told her we're fine. I feel fine, John will have the kids & all is well. She was shellshocked & had no idea how to even react. It obviously never occured to her that I'd say no thank you.



No thanks, I'd rather spend the afternoon alone with the kids then allow your superficial help. I've weaned them off of all of you & it is better that way.



In the moment, my end of the call was a no brainer. It was exactly as it needed to be & it felt good to be strong enough to do it. I felt good when I hung up.



Now it's just really pathetic.

06:43 pm - Vocabulary, Bridget Style


Two things...



Bridget has been playing with mini Strawberry shortcake dolls this evening & can't quite say "Orange Blossom". Instead she keeps calling her, "orgasm".



Never saw that word butchering coming!



Also, why the hell has it taken NYC THIS long to start doing random subway searches??? Why didn't that start after 9-11 & I don't mean nearly 4 years after!

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09:08 am

I needed for yesterday to be better, simply a normal day. No inner turmoil, no conflict, no overthinking. We woke up and I decided the last thing that I needed was to talk more about the past week. I told John I wasn't going to see Tom and offered him the time before canceling all together. He and I both needed the same thing. Calm, normal family time so that's exactly what we had. I went in for my gross before surgery re-fueling and then we spent a few hours out with the kids. They were happy to come home with happy meals and I cleaned up while John took a nap.



We ended up going out last night and it was nice. We both agreed it was the first day we had both felt remotely relaxed in a week. John's mother had called earlier in the day. I'm not sure where she is but before that he told me "no one gets in this weekend unless we invite them" and on the phone with her he stated, "We are busy all weekend long". He wants to see her as much as I do.



We went to Barnes & Noble and in between finding Elmo & Princess books we ran into old friends & spent an hour catching up. They may come over on Sunday for dinner. Instead of looking for books last night I grabbed several magazines- Yoga, gardening & trashy. Seemed more comforting in the moment. Dinner was comfort food, white pizza with garlic & sundried tomatoes.



Comfort things were the theme of the entire day & night. It worked. By last night we both felt reconnected.



Part of me is so flippin drained. i just want to sleep. Another part just wants to do. Create stuff. Write more, photograph more, paint more. My garden is a mess. I have to get that cleaned up this weekend. I think tomorrow morning that'll be my priority & John can watch the kids.

02:33 pm


So everyone's cat sleeps like this, right?



???????



I'm just saying, she is bizarre.



I'm debating about canceling my session with Tom tomorrow. I feel like I have little left to say & like words falling from my mouth won't help much now. Maybe I'm wrong but I think i just have a lot to figure out on my own.



John. I don't know what I'm thinking really. Either I'm with him & supportive or else I'm not. I'm supporting him, but am I with him really at this point? I'm not sure. He has done a complete turn around over the last year & really stuck to his word. When he says he'll never repeat last weekend because it scared the hell out of him, I have very little reason not to believe him. When he says he'll do whatever necessary to keep himself in line, I believe he will. I do believe that he wants & intends to do everything necessary to hold onto us. I think he was far enough removed from his former self that he forgot he could slip, badly. I believe he will put his foot down with his mother & close her out if need be. I have seen him do nothing but cater to OUR family even while she has been around. It was me the last few months saying, let's meet her later...tell her she can stay tonite...it was me trying to help pull people together. Not him. His list of unforgivables regarding her behavior is actually longer than mine is.



It isn't about what he will do & what I really trust. I mean, I fear, yes. But I do trust he wants things as they were. But the reality is that he is in recovery & slips can & do happen. Can I deal with that? Can I accept that he might slip smallscale & learn something in the process, or is that not good enough. If I can't accept that he may slip & need some extra help then I can't be here. If I can't support him thru the rough spots, truly just support him & trust that it'll work because nothing else is an option, then he deserves better. Or someone different. I'm not perfect & I can't expect him to be the perfect man that I need him to be all of the time. If what he has turned into isn't good enough, then I can't stay.



What he has turned into is the man that cooks for me, caters to me, is constantly entertwined with me either lumping on the couch or sitting outside on the swing, he calls twice a day from work just to say hi, he comes home for lunch because he misses us, he does anything at all that I ask him to when it comes to the kids- be it putting B back to bed for the 5th time in 30 minutes or playing ball with Maya, he has embraced his familytime and goes out alone maybe once a month as opposed to 3 hours a night, the kids cry if he walks out the door without kissing them goodbye, he is a great provider and works his ass off for the extras, after he wrapped his head around the word cancer he has been an enormous support, walking the line of nurturing NOT caretaking, he communicates everything & has become my best friend.



If I can't look at all of the good & accept a royal fuck up here & there then this won't work.



I don't know if it is all enough. That is the problem. Maybe I'm coming off of last weekend still. Maybe it's my hormones being completely fuckered. Maybe it's the fact that I'm sick a bit more than I ever let on & after 6 months I'm just tired & drained from having something eating away at me.



The "I don't knows" are very calmly stated in my head. I'm not crying, it's matter of fact. I have no plan of tossing him so that tells me I'm more inclined to see how this plays out. Maybe watching him do all that he promised & watching him verbally pummel his mother will help. Maybe the meds that I'm most definetly asking for next week will help as well. I intended to talk to Dr. Tsous about the hormonal whackedness & ask for a script...just in case. Now I can't imagine coming home without a filled script. I'm waving a white flag here. I concede. I need more help.

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11:02 am



Blue - Rational and sympathetic. You are the best

friend anyone can ask for. You tend to put

others ahead of yourself.





What Color Glow Stick Are You?

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09:17 am - Tomorrow Looks Lovely

Don't give in, without a fight~ Pink Floyd



I'm supposed to get the sitter for tomorrow night. I truly could care less. Will it matter? will it make things better? What if it makes it all simply worse?



I'm questioning or simply overthinking everything. You know...What if this was wrong...what if I should have divorced him...what if I chose WRONG, dead WRONG...



In the pit of my stomach & in my heart am I really questioning these things? I don't know. Maybe it is a protective surface-level thing. There's just too much right now.



I am so tired. It occured to me that my body has been fighting off this shit for 6 months now that I'm sure of. 6 months is nothing yet it is a long time all at once. I just want to be alone somewhere, a little bungalow on a beach or something. Leave me the fuck alone already. In reality, I agreed to a transfusion tomorrow. One stupid bag to lift my hemmoglobin. I could barf thinking about it, but I know the difference it can & hopefully will make. I'm still below a 10 (12+ is normal) & the surgery Monday will knock me down a bit more. I need anything that will boost me so that I can get back up to speed faster. I pretty much know my body will react for a few weeks after cutting out the cancer & I'll be sick. So logic says, Tania needs to fuel up.



But damn.

What the hell is wrong with me today. i don't even know. i mean there are so many possibilities it's silly. So I've been crying.




And crying.



Crying while realizing just how trashed my flowers are (6 plants dead & counting).



Crying while fighting with John this morning.



Crying while he kisses ass & apologizes.



Crying while doing every damn thing that I've needed to do today.



Crying while playing outside with the kids.



Crying while dealing with breakthru bleeding due to extreme stress according to Dr. tsouso-greek-dude.



Crying while deciding to have the LEEP done on Monday after all because cold knife conization would require anesthesia after all.



Crying while finding myself wondering, "What if I did make a huge mistake here."



Crying while looking at Suz's baby registry online & seeing a load of obvious boy stuff has been added.



Crying while typing now.

09:17 am


Hello?

Is there anybody in there?

Just nod if you can hear me.

Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.

I hear you're feeling down.

Well I can ease your pain,

Get you on your feet again.





Yesterday was just lousy. I had such a hard time holding my temper, I don't know how I actually did it. Today I don't feel nearly as angry but I have chest pains instead.



John is ok. Almost too mellow now. The emotionally spent kind of mellow. I wasn't sure what to even say to him yesterday. I mean, there is so much that went on that he didn't even know about. So much his mother said, the way Peyton found out...so many things directly linked to my rage. Things he needs to know to understand but I wasn't sure how strong he is.What can I tell him & what will push him back over the edge. I just didn't know. Plus, she, her hubby & Peyton are supposedly coming back this weekend so time is a real issue. I will not have my house in an uproar & then have surgery Monday morning on top of that.



No fucking way.



So last night I told him some of the stuff.He didn't react much at all & I found myself getting pissed. He reacted to everything else in the last few days...but I know it was better he stay calm. I know he'll deal with his mother & thats good because I really don't want to. I explained how she systematically poisoned everything in the house. Good moods were gone, drama was front & center, she kept literally barging in, wouldn't respect the fact that she was a GUEST...she refuses to get her own drink but thinks nothing of storming my bedroom while I sleep...The disrespect was insane & just completely unacceptable. It won't happen again. She's toxic, kills everything on contact including 2 of my lisianthus plants.



I know that he has been weakened but by the end of this week I need him to keep her the fuck away from me.



I don't feel strong enough to handle more. Nothing feels like much of a comfort unless I'm buried way in my own thoughts to the point of spacing out.

09:01 am


So much I left out. Like how MIL kept campaigning to take Maya back to Pittsburgh with her for 10 days. As she did nothing but drink booze every second I saw here, she thought she could persuade me. As if the booze didn't clinch it- & believe me it did- she says, "Well, she doesn't miss you or John when she stays at his dads overnite with Peyton. She only cries for Emmy & Bridget."



Ok, she cries for her sisters just going overnite. Sure let's add 9 nites onto that.



I also neglecting to even touch how Peyton was on the cordless phone when MIL called her hubby on Friday & confirmed Angie's pregnancy. You know it was a "how can she throw away her daughter & have another baby" conversation 7 when Jules hung up he found Peyton in the bathroom with the cordless. She then put herself to bed. He ended up attempting to do major damage control.



This morning John has left for work & I'm finally alone in some semi-normal state with the kids. I slept 2 hours because B decided that last night was a good one to be up demanding attention from midnite til 4am. I was exhausted before that & now I'm much worse but she never gets up like that so I feel bad even complaining. I can't remember the last time she stayed up during the night.



Rage is still the most dominant emotion right now. I feel like I could destroy half of this house in under 5 minutes. Not good to be juggling that type of rage when there are 3 little kids running around. I hear a screech & I want to smash something. Bad. Bad.



My game plan is to just power clean. Get any sign of the bitch out of my house. Reclaim my turf because its bad enough that I feel like I need to do that. Get the kids out for a long walk. I hate feeling this way. I can feel myself expending a crazy amount of energy just trying to keep my temper in check while knowing that I have every reason to be this furious.



The nightmare...


Me saying the last 28 hours are some of the worst ever kind of makes a statement in itself. Some of it is already a bad blur, with details fading behind others that seem more important. Yesterday, no matter how bad it felt I thought I'd seen the worst of it. I thought John would be ok that day. A simple slip easily corrected. He kept saying he cracked & while I completely agreed, I had NO idea how bad. He was guilty, apologetic, devestated, sickened by his own behavior. All things indicating a slip. I thought, sober up, talk to Tom (our counselor) & make a solid plan. Solid way of dealing with his mom. He kept saying, "No, I lost it. If you kick me out I don't blame you, if you hate me I don't blame you." I asked what he did & realized pretty quickly that he did something. First he drank a few glasses of gin. As soon as I heard that I knew he did something really awful. One gin makes him awful, extremely angry I can't imagine more than one glass. It didn't take much for him to spill his guts while crying hysterically.



"Since I don't know where Angie & her boyfriend live I drove over to___(gives me Andy's apartment address) during the night-"



I cut him off while just sinking in my chair, asking repeatedly what he did.



"No one got hurt. But whatever car was in his driveway I TORCHED IT. The drivers side door was open so I poured gasoline on the front seat & tossed in a match."



I couldn't even get words out. While I know Andy lives with Suz now he does keep the apartment because he is still that boro council prez. The car was likely his second rarely used one.



I was hyperventilating right along with him. That is fuckin . It is a crime & if he is caught I will have to deal with Andy. I can not believe he would do anything to risk bringing him back into our lives. Can not believe it.



The things I couldn't say. Oh my god. Like I cannot be anywhere near Andy for either good or bad reasons because I still, miss him & grieve losing him. I can't bear the thought of seeing him. I could simply not handle it. I say that about next to nothing, I can & will handle whatever is thrown my way but I definetly can not handle that.



So many things that until now I haven't even allowed myself to think about.



John spent the day begging me to turn him in. He feels so guilty he may turn himself in. He believes he is basically a demon at least this weekend. He said it was like watching someone else torch the car until he got hit with flames. And yes he is burnt in case I had any questioning of his story. 4 fingers on his right hand are just nasty & his right eyelid has to hurt.



I actually did not give him hell yesterday because I didn't feel I had to. He was already tortured by his own actions. I felt bad for him because he has done fantastic for a year. He has to really be hurting to fall so fast. I flipped between thinking he should be picked up & hoping this one just might slide. Finally thinking whatever should happen will.



By about 6pm he was sobered up & was trying to stabilize himself. I thought, ok he is seriously sorry, he has learned something here...then the maggot calls. She tells me she fought with everyone she had contact with all day. My FIL was bad mouthing me which she felt the need to use as a conversation starter & it was downhill from there. She thought she'd end with, "Well, I'm going to sleep on your couch tonite so that I can see the girls before I leave tomorrow." Before that she ran down a list of things to rail John about. I cut her off & was simply feeling very protective of him. He has cracked on a weekend. He debated signing himself in somewhere just to get meds in his system before Monday. I told her she could NOT come here to start shit, he needed to be left alone. I felt like a protective mother, "You will not mess him up more today..."



I got off the phone & just wanted to go to bed. I felt like I'd spent 36 hours playing crisis counselor & couldn't take any more. I had nothing to give & I just felt sick. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally sick. I hate what he did but I understand that he lost control & I really understand all the heavy things that led to it. At that point I just wanted to help him & myself. We decided to invite his friend Bill over. Bill is calm, stable & honest. I was going to bed, he is good for John & if the maggot showed up he'd be here.



I got a shower & climbed into bed at 8:30ish with trashy magazines & 2 cats. I turned out the light at about 9 once Bill arrived. Next thing I know I'm awakened to the maggot flinging open my bedroom door, throwing on the big overhead light & blubbering some shit about John calling her a whore.



No fucking respect for me in my own house. They were all outside so she had to come in & upstairs to find me. I asked her to leave & she sat down on my bed so I told her to get the hell out. That failed to so I got up knowing she'd follow me. I took her back outside to John & said, "You called her a whore?" Bill interrupts & says, "No, SHE keeps SAYING he called her that" Bill looks irritated as hell & John is downing the Jack Daniels she brought. I just looked at Bill after noting the bottle & he says, "Go ahead, I'm staying." so I went back inside & up to my bed. I wanted no part of this fucking family shit. Sad that she'd come & find me anyway, but I wasn't dealing with a second night thanks to her. I lay back down trying to relax. I heard nothing thanks to the a/c until a horn is blaring. I get up to look & see her car half in the driveway with my husband standing on the roof of it. Of course I bolt back down the stairs thinking I'm really ready to kill someone. Bill & I are both trying to calm John down as she preaches about her wonderful daughter & how maybe THIS baby will be good for her. Mother fucking button pushing 101. Purposeful too. What I didn't know until hours later was that when I came out she had just pulled into the driveway after driving 6 fucking city blocks with him on the hood or roof of her car. I guess he asked for Angie's addy after she goaded him & she went to leave so he figured hopping on the hood would stop her. Instead she took off trying to knock him off her car. Into oncoming traffic? When Bill finally told me he said all he thought was "OMG she is going to throw him off & he'll get hit. I hope Tania isn't watching this."



And it is a really good thing that I didn't see that whole thing. He wasn't getting off the car so he wouldn't get hit. Had I seen her take off with him I probably would have truly clubbed her with her own booze bottle. I am so serious.



I got him into the house & he is hysterical, just hysterical asking me to promise I'll have him cremated. Wonderful. Now I'm stuck doing serious damage control. I got him to sit & calmed him a bit before making an excuse to get him something from outside where Bill was. I was ready to 302 him & I wondered if Bill agreed. I get outside & tell both of them he is threatening to hurt himself & the maggot says she just doesn't know what the hell his problem is.



Is stopped dead & went off momentarily about the long stressful work hours, 3 kids, sick wife...pressure to take Peyton...And the bitch says:

"I've never asked you to take Peyton."



I reminded her of less than a month ago you know, "Will you two promise me you'll adopt Peyton when I can't handle her..." and she snaps, "Yes & you said no & that you would never even take in your own sister."



What. The. Fuck.



Never said that. Said even if my sister had a child I wouldn't take it right now because I can't. Can't handle another child I have 3 in 5 years & hello, I have cancer so I'm not 100% here. Bill is totally nodding in agreement because he has 3 kids with 5 years too, then I say the word "cancer" and he looks at me & says, "OMG, you do???" So much for no one knowing. All of that took probably 2 minutes to actually say & then Bill & I were circling about John. Sorting options while his mother kept interrupting..."And another thing Tania, do you remember when..."



We'd talk over her. Another interruption, talk around her all the while watching to make sure that John is still seated where I left him. She interrupted a third or fifth time for all I know & finally I just told her point blank to shut the hell up. "Did you NOT hear me say that your son wants to HURT himself?"



Stupid fucking herecomesthatwordIneveruse CUNT.



We all go inside & Bill starts talking to John about me, how lucky he is to have me because it is very clear that I just want to help him. Bill's wife is really awful. Cold hearted bitch. He reminded John of how last night could be going down.



He went back outside with Bill and I searched everywhere including the maggots stuff for booze, dumping any hint of it. Bill stayed until 1am & John slept on the loveseat while his mom slept on the couch.



I go to bed thinking he needs help but it really is simple. No booze, we know Effexor works for him, more time with Tom, he'll be ok. Clear his head & simply make rules regarding his mom. I do see it as that simple. We know what to do because it is what has worked for a year so getting him ok is actually not going to take long. I woke to him crawling into bed at 6am & the next time I opened my eyes it was 7:30. The maggot was up for hours & I found new obviously used & faded shit everywhere. Faded Scooby Doo blankets. Cracked bowls from god knows where in my cupboards. She had gone thru the little envelope thing in the kitchen looking at our just paid bills. I was irritated by trying not to let it show. Keep things calm for John's sake, get her the fuck out once & for all never to repeat this again. It is lucky for her I found the flower mess AFTER she left. She had said she left a few birdhouses outside. I thought, ok, whatever. Then I saw it. 20 fucking stakes. The one by my tomatoes she wrote "tomatoes" on with a black sharpie. So motherfucking tacky & she killed roots of some plants. While yanking them out & flinging them across the yard & realized how fucking furious I really am.



I have never felt that NOT in control of my own home before. This is my house god damnit & how dare she think that any of this shit is acceptable let alone welcome. I have been keeping my own blatant rage in check all day for the greater good but fuck, I'm going to need to vent it soon.



John saw the flower mess & really got pissed. He kids me about the flowers but god forbid anyone else mess them up. "I swear to god if she killed your flowers that is just IT".



He is sober. Talked to an AA hotline counselor for an hour today & is at a meeting now. He sees Tom in the morning & the meds will follow. Drying out was the biggie. Once his head is clear & thoughts can form he isn't stuck in the pain. She threw him off a cliff & the booze kept him stuck in the pain. We both agreed this feels so much worse now than it would have a year ago. We've worked too hard to let anyone or anything topple our family. I know Tom thought this was coming & really will push John to set solid boundries on contact with his mother. John actually is more honest with Tom than I when it comes to his irritation with her. He cannot stand her, period.



I just have every emotion running thru me tonite & I've felt like I had to make sure he'd be ok first...before I could feel anything.

07:18 pm


This weekend has turned into the biggest clusterfuck that I've experienced in a year plus. John was MIA a good chunk of the night & was a basketcase this morning. He finally cracked from the stress of my health not being the best, his sister's situation, his mom moving out here, work...He lost it bad.



I mean really bad.



He drank gin which is on his no drink ever list because it makes him fucking evil. He says that himself. He hasn't touched it in about 3 years, until last night. When he was here he was horrendous until he finally broke & started bawling. Only once did he say anything directly in refrence to his sister but it was obvious that was what he was upset about. Lots of projecting feelings onto other situations & such.



The maggot never came back. She called at 8:30 this morning to tell me that she went bar hopping looking for John. She picked one of the worst places in town & got stuck in there. A few of the patrons kept blocking her in so she couldn't leave. She finally resorted to calling the cops while in the ladies room and having a police officer come in and escort her out.



Meanwhile John has been a remorseful basketcase on & off all day. I believe it was a slip & not a pattern he intends to continue. He has said that he can't ever have another night like last night. He can't go thru that again himself even. We both spoke to our counselor today & Tom thinks John is sincere as do I. He said people slip often what matters is that its only a slip & that something is learned from it. I believe that to be true in some respects. But I will not do this scenario ever again. That much is sure. I am too old for this shit & I'm just not doing this. If nothing else has become clear to me this past year, I know I thrive on peace in my house. This just is completely unacceptable.



I feel weak & am emotionally drained although I have yet to drop a single tear. I am not everyone's crisis counselor & the kids & I will not live in this drama. If that is all his assclown mother has to offer than she will not be setting foot in here again.



"Why did John get so upset?" she asks me. Well fuck. Because you are 60, Peyton is 6, Ang is having another baby & she is her dude are both probably going to croak of AIDS before Peyton is out of grade school. The only other people in this family under 60 that can help are he & I. Another kid, insta-pressure. Fuck, remember last fucking month his mom asked us to take Peyton???



Ugh.



03:56 am


The last 20 hours have truly been a Jerry Springer episode complete with chair throwing. All I'm positive of is that I don't know where my husband or his mother are. He went for a walk at around 10pm, returned TRASHED-ER at midnite & just crumbled into a million pieces. I spent an hour literally mopping up tears & then figured he would come to bed or fall asleep somewhere. I woke now to find his car & no him.



His mother, I defused at about 8pm & then watched her drink, cry, slurr & try to quote poetry until midnite. then she went looking for barfood never to be seen again.



There was no night out. John was horrendous & I made it about 3 blocks before saying, "No. Bad idea." getting out of the car, walking home & sending the sitter packing. He was just raging over his sister but I wasn't going to be the target

12:59 pm


This will be fast. At least I don't have much time & I have so friggin much to blurt it is insane.



MIL shows up & man am I tired of making myself be nice, the better person, whatever the fuck it amounts to. John looks out & says, "Shit, it's my mother." 6:30am & I throw shorts on as he is staggering around & I go down to kindly let her in. My porch table is loaed with McDonald's bags, coffees etc. She copmes in walks to my counter & picks up a Vodka bottle & FUCKING DUMPS a third of it into her coffee. She says 2 minutes later that we need to excuse her if she doesn't seem right but Angie is 3 months pregnant, due right near Peyton's January birthday. Of course then we find out we're the last to know because when she came in for the babies party she thought she looked it and knew Ang was late. She told everyone but us then.



Of course they are praying its a boy and his name is already Hunter David if so... All this before 6:45am.



John refuses to even listen to any of it. Can't comprehend anything. He told his mom not to tell Peyton & get this..."Oh I told her about a month ago, I said I think your mom is having another baby'"...Tactless, stupid, motherfucking, ignorant ass clown.



Make the kid feel even more disposable then she already does.



Fuck.



She told Ang this kid will not land on her doorstep when they inevitably split & the response was that it wouldn't because she only gets "one" of Angie's babies. As if Peyton were a gift for a 60 year old woman to raise.



As I'm taking all of this in my brain keeps bouncing back to where it was last night & when I first woke up. The ablation was 4 weeks ago today. A full 28 day cycle has passed with no sign of Flo. I'm officially now in menopause. Today kind of solidifies it.



My night out, motherfuckingtrashed. We were going to have dinner at a little Italian Bistro. John suggested it before the devil knocked this morning & the food is awesome. His mother is a wreck & is going for barfood at a place near our house. We agreed to meet her. The food is great but I want my 10 day late anniversary night out damnit. Yet I feel bad for her. We'll have about 3 hours alone before meeting her at least though.



John is coping by grilling for the masses. He talked to our counselor this morning & we're dropping off food for him to bring home for dinner. I'm sure that is no fluke. His reaction to this mornings bomb was a literal gasp.

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07:37 am

6:30am the kids are downstairs while John & I still are in bed. Maya yells that someone is at the door. It's the maggot. She comes bearing breakfast & bombshells.



My SIL (the hiv+ crackwhore that doesn't have custody of Peyton) is 3 months pregnant.

07:08 pm - The Beast Within


I'm so used to my body being "off" that I sometimes, ok often, don't notice. Like this morning. I didn't notice the huge swollen lymph nodes under each arm until I was in the shower. They hurt like hell & I didn't notice until then. The glands in my neck are swelling too.



I hate this. Uncertainty. Out of nowhere fear when I truly believed my emotions were in check & my worries were realistically minimized.



It's not that I'm thinking, "Oh shit, the cancer is spreading..." gasp. Horror. No. It's that I think this is one way that my body reminds me that it is fighting it even when I feel ok. Even on the good days. It is continuously fighting this shit off.



I just want to not be reminded because I don't want there to be anything living in me that needs serious attention.

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09:17 am - Antisocial Much?

I've been quiet this week. Not really a whole lot to say I guess. I've been busy with the kids & busy here & just not near the computer a whole lot.



John called his mom last night to find out what is going on. remember, she was moving this week. Well, that has been postponed for another 6 weeks. she is hauling more stuff out here, today in fact. But she won't be LIVING here til September. I think John was more relieved than I even!



We finally get a night out tomorrow. Finally no kids. I need a break desperately. John asked what I want to do & truly I want to hide out ALONE in Barnes & Noble for a few hours & then maybe interact with someone!

Remember that day 2 weeks ago when I talked to my mother AND Suz emailed me all within hours? Well, there was one other twilight zone experience within those 48 hours. Let me go back...




My friend Leila & I met about 15 years ago & were really close for about 12 years. She dated this guy Tom the entire time & he was nice. Weird, but nice. Finally about 4 years ago she was taking their camcorder somewhere & found a tape already in it. She looked to see what it was & lo & behold...

Tom was videotaping neighborhood little girls- from behind their living room curtains.



He actually admitted to being some sort of predator (inactive one of course) & she shoved him into therapy. He is apparently the only pedophille on the planet that has been cured after a year of therapy & so he quit. I knew they spoke, but they lived apart & to my knowledge there was no longer a romantic thing happening.



Until...she called about 3 years ago to tell me they had set a date. A wedding date.



John & I thought, holy shit...crazy?...Desperate?...Gullible?...All of the above?... I did the math and realized that I was due with Emmy about 2 weeks before this fiasco. What kind of wedding would a pedophille have? A theme wedding of course. Princess Bride to be exact.



That was the point where I really backed off. It had been made very clear up until that point that she was welcome in our house, he was not. I wanted him nowhere near Maya & I had no desire to see him anyway. Then the engagement really threw me. I was glad she/they lived 90 minutes away because spur of the moment stuff couldn't really ever happen. Planning was key & I was never available. I stopped calling her period so any contact was initiated by her. A few months after theengagement she found out she was pregnant. I bit my tongue nearly off not to yell at her, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???".



What she was doing was marrying him that July & having his child, a daughter the following November.



I didn't want to know anything at all. Didn't want her kid around mine while wondering what is really going on, etc. Is that negligant of me? Maybe so. I guess with anyone else it'd be different but I felt like there was nothing that I could say to get thru to her. When her daughter was about 6 months old I couldn't stuff it any more & I asked point blank, "Don't you worry about her around Tom? How could you NOT ever worry?..." At the time it went right over & he was fine, doing well, etc. No worries. I thought she was in blatant denial.



Last time I saw her B was maybe a month old so it was nearly 2 years ago. She brought her daughter to visit alone & it had been forever at that point. I'd never seen Maeve until that day. Since then, John & I split & got back together, moved, etc. She & Tom went thru some crap, are in couples therapy & moved out of state.



She lives in Maryland now & was heading up to her sisters wedding in Maine so she called when she arrived here. Her family is still here in NE Pennsylvania so she was staying a few days before everyone drove up to Maine. She called & I figured sure, it has been years, stop in. She & Maeve arrived at maybe 6pm & were here until midnite. She said to me after about an hour, "Remember that question you asked me awhile back?" & I knew what she meant. She thanked me for having the balls to say something because she felt like she knew I was one person she could spill to. In the last year the blinders finally fell off & while she moved with him it was because the divorce laws are better in MD. They own a house but she is also now renting an apartment with out his knowledge. Once it's functional she & Maeve are out. She has been keeping the baby away from him not because she thinks anything has occured but because the mother protective instinct is in full swing. She has also been copying his encrypted or PW protected files because she believes they are loaded with stuff & intends to turn whatever she finds over to the police.



What do you say to all of that? I was thinking, thank god. THANK GOD.



But man, how does one become so desperate & have such non-existant self esteem that a pedophille looks like husband & daddy material???

:06 am - ...For Everything Else There's Master Card


One 15,000 BTU's Air Conditioner...$300



New Phillips Head Screwdriver to replace the 6 that the screwdriver gnomes stole earlier today...$4.99



Take-Out pizza & wings for sustenance...$12.00



Watching a 35 year old man lose his mind while trying to put the a/c together...PRICELESS



Not to mention funny as hell. At one point I asked if I could help & he told me to go & do something I'm "good" at...like "shampoo your hair or something"



I absorbed that comment, busted out into hysterical laughter & left him alone in the heat while I went up to bed.

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10:43 pm


I just finished being HIGHLY amused by VH1's Most awesomely Bad Break Up Songs Ever. I love when they get comedians & actors to comment & stuff. This one really is hysterical. What I also realized is that I love or have loved a startling number of these at one point in time or other! Here's the list or what I remember of it. I'm going to bold the ones I love & you guys copy & do the same :D



~If I Could Turn Back Time~ Cher



~Hard Habit To Break~ Chicago...It was 1984 & I was in 7th grade

loving this song. The video is so over the top now it's funny though.



~I'll Be Over You~ Toto



~She Hates Me~ Puddle of Mudd



~Foolish Beat~ Debbie Gibson...If you were a teenage girl when this broke in 1986 you cried right along with Debbie & then bought a big bow to wear in your hair just like she did!



~Must Have Been Love~ Roxette



~Been Around the World~ Lisa Stansfield...1990ish. Loved her eyes & the weird curlie Q on her forehead. Now it's a stalker song. If you're traveling the world looking he doesn't WANT to be found.



~All Cried Out~ Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam...This still makes me cry. Shut up, it does.I got all of my friends into Lisa Lisa too.



~One More Night~ Phil Collins



~As Long As You Love Me~ Backstreet Boys



~I Still Believe~ Brenda K Starr...I think this played on "adult contemporary" channels back in the mid-80's. I still knew it & loved it in spite of my metalhead status.



~It's Not Right But It's Okay~ Whitney Houston...sing it Whitney,"...It's Not right, but it's okay...don't do as I do just do as I say..." Okay, not a lyric but it should be. Listen to this song then think of her with Bobby. Yeah. Think of that.



~On My Own~ Patti Labelle & Michael McDonald



~Sara~ Starship



~Sometimes~ Britney Spears



~Missing You~ John Waite...He was Canadian & to a 13 year old that meant he was way foreign & not just 6 hours away by car foreign like it does now.



~Stronger~ Britney Spears



~I Miss You~ Klymaxx



~Don't Turn Around~ Ace of Base



~Total Eclipse of the Heart~ Bonnie Tyler



~Unbreak My Heart~ Toni Braxton...Love. This. Song. Always. Will.



~On Bended Knee~ Boys II Men



~Don't Want You Back~ Eamon



~Missing~ Everything But The Girl...Big time club hit. If you could dance you weren't missing him that bad.



~Red Red Wine~ UB40



~How Am i Supposed To Live Without You~ Michael Bolton



~That Billy Vera & the Beaters Song...



~Hold On To The Night~ Richard Marx

Today ending up being good in the end. John ran into work briefly this morning & returned home normal. He somehow left the stress & garbage there. He then proceeded to spend a huge amount of time cooking for the neighborhood grilling. A ridiculous amount of food, as usual so several neighbord are happy tonite.




The kids went to bed & I weeded everything then we sat down on the porch to talk about anything & everything. There are several churches nearby & it is definetly Church Bazaar season so I am STILL hearing polka music playing as I type. It sounds like David Byrne of the Talking Heads is singing though. David Byrne & a polka band? Could almost see that happening...

"...and you may ask yourself, where is that Bingo card..."



I love going to them actually because John & I play 2 games...count the number of old ladies in white pants but even better, "The Bob Game"



What is The Bob Game? We made it up. Heh. You walk up to a complete stranger and say to him, "Hey Bob how are ya? It has been so long since I've seen you. How's the family..." Odds are 15-1 the guy plays along trying to figure out who the hell you are.



Totally messed up aren't we?

10:43 am


I am so glad it's Monday Tuesday. I am so glad there is just me & the kids here. No hubby, no guests. Just normalcy this morning.



My body is really fucked up & I don't know why. Could be a beginning UTI, bacterial infection. Could be ovulation pain. Could be phantom Flo. I haven't a clue but my lower stomach has hurt since last night & I'm a bloated toad. I feel like my body is constantly playing a physical version of Dualing Banjo's. Exhauston. insomnia. Ovulation. Menopause. Old. Youngish. I'll leave this topic with what I know, I'm uncomfortable today.



That i'm sure of.



Cassie's birthday is today. I think I'm glad about how I left the whole mom-Cass-fiasco last week. I was angry with Cass for not taking any responsibility but then really, it was a no brainer for her. She knew my contact with my mother was limited so letting me take the fall could have worked for her, or kept her in less trouble. I contemplated emailing her & CC-ing it to my mom. Never did that & I'm glad. Better to just let it go I think. I'm also if anything, more firm about staying away from them all now. I never even told John about that phone call last week. I wonder why that is. Is it irrelevant or am I avoiding an I told you so? Not that he'd say that, but maybe I feel like an ass for even going there again.



Fireworks last night were very cool. We had a clear view of 3 different shin digs from our front porch. An hour and a half straight.



I have a week to put together his Anniversary gift. I say that because we're not exchanging gifts until our nite out this weekend. Wracked my piddly brain trying to come up with something he'll like. Of course there are easy things to get him but the unique one stumped me. Finally I decided on music of course. A compilation of stuff from the last 8 years. Songs we've worn into the ground, stuff he loves that drives me nuts, fav tv & movie theme songs, comedy bits by Denis Leary, Dave Atell, chris Rock, screwy South park songs, anything that triggers a moment or a smile. So my work is cut out for me but it's fun already.



While on a walk yesterday we passed the back of a garden center with a huge heap of mulch. Em says, "I don't like dirt mommy, I like to eat pickles!". The funny diva is wearing 3 tshirts as I type, one pair of jean shorts & flip-flops.

02:35 pm


Happy 4th of July.



The last few days have been ridiculously busy here. Something like company Thursday & Saturday, Sunday was spent at a picnic out at the lake & then today is our bar-b-que. John is monster grilling as I type. Lots of people around & it has been cooler thank God. I have a lot more energy when it's not 95 & humid. The kids have had a lot of fun & man have I heard some zingers. Maya was drawing an obvious person yesterday & I asked who it was. "It's you mom with your rainbow hair."



Even my 5 year old notices that I need a dye job!



Emmy & I were stringing beads earlier to make her a special bracelet (read that as she STOLE some of my beads & it was easier to let her have a few then to fight over them) & she says, "I'm happy with you mom. I think I'll keep you."



Told you she sees me as her personal maid.



We decided to take the kids on a family walk last night. Got out of the car after driving home from the lake and they were all hyper so we let them walk it off. Maya was pointing out flowers & stuff to Bridget. Bridget was singing most of thre way. What did Emmy do? She made it a point to say hi to every boy, man, grandpa we saw- even the ones across the street! Girls & women were completely ignored. The quote aside from, "Hi! Hi! I'm Em-A-Weee!" was a real winner. We saw a huge bunny in a yard & stopped to make sure the kids all saw it. Em says, "I'm not gonna grab it by the neck & shake it just like I won't grab Ella(the new kitten) by the neck and shake her?!"



I'm afraid to think of her in 12 years.



I seem to have dualing side affects here. The anemia exhausts me & Men-o-fucking-pause causes insomnia. The last 3 nights, ohmymothertruckingawd. IF my exhaustion causes me to fall asleep fast I'm up all wide-eyed in an hour. But, i may not fall asleep. instead I might be shampooing the downstairs carpeting at midnite & washing down walls at 1am like I did last night this morning.



We made it another year. Our 8th Anniversary has rolled around. One that was unlikely at best. We're celebrating tonite at home & then have the sitter next weekend to actually do something. A lovely perk about this house- we're less than a mile from the big local park & their huge fireworks display will be clearly visible from my front porch. More on the mushy stuff tomorrow.

01:23 pm - Walking Waterworks


Yesterday was hellish for me physically. i was just beyond exhausted. Doing simple little things felt impossible. It took me all day to accomplish precious little & that in itself had me really discouraged. John was home and was very aware of my patheticness. I swear every time he passed me he'd stop to hug me. Then last night he made a typical sarcastic comment, one that would normally get a sarcastic reponse- our typical banter.



"So do you intend to weed the garden anytime soon?" Insinuating the obvious, it needs it. I started bawling my eyes out because I of all people KNOW that it needs attention. The problem is I bend down to do it in 90 degree heat & feel like I'm going to pass right the hell out. I'm having bloodwork every week until the next surgery & if my hemoglobin doesn't go up enough my doc suggested considering a transfusion. My normal reaction would be no freakin way. Bad enough I needed them having babies but I really did NEED them. I told John in the middle of hysterics that now I'm thinking about it & instead of shooting it down I'm thinking, "Well, maybe." That means I feel REALLY shitty if I'm willing to resort to that.



I'm glad it was his long week at work & I'm glad he wasn't around as much as normal because I've been a portable sprinkler system in flip flops all week. Later last night I had a grand scale meltdown. I mean really huge.



Complete with an apology for not giving him a son.



Yes, everything you are thinking I already thought & know. But that is how abysmal I was.



He for his part has been nothing but wonderful. Frankly I don't know how the hell he can stand me right now but if anything he is clearly more loving than even just a week ago.



Today it is so much cooler. Only mid 70's & that has made a huge difference for me. Everything outside is weeded & cleaned up. The house is for the most part clean, the kids have had their baths & I still have energy.



John got suckered into grilling for everyone at work today (they're open but expect no business really) so I volunteered to make macaroni & potato salad if he took Maya & Em with him for a few hours. He is coming for them now so that's about the closest I get to childfree, like, ever.