Aubrey LaRue

07:09 pm - Just A Little Pin Prick...


Pain lies on the riverside

So put your feet in the water

Put your head in the water

Put your soul in the water

And join me for a swim tonight

I have forever, always tried

To stay clean and constantly baptized

I am aware now that the river's banks are dry

And to wait for a flood

Is to wait for life

I've got to learn to live until no end

But first I must learn to swim

All over again~ Live



It is the kind of day where I sit crunched up in this chair listening to "Monster Ballads" (think Cinderella, Warrant, Kix) and eating peanut butter ripple ice cream for a nice brunch/dinner combo.



Has it been rough enough to warrant nearly 20 year old hair band tunes and ice cold comfort? Yeah, though not in the ways that I saw coming. The surgery...well. After last months uterus burning, this was nothing. Seriously, nothing. I felt a bit crampy just like cryo does and it was over as fast. Cancer is gone at least we think, for now. What was removed will be biopsied and even if part of it ended up being stage II it won't matter because it is already out. That, I was really prepared for. Physically as ready as I can be. Mentally prepared for the uncertainty and waiting that lies ahead.



Somehow, it hadn't occured to me exactly where I was going. I was so focused on getting in there, getting thru it and then discussing the menopausal shizzle that I forgot. He is an OB/GYN. Mondays are bigtime preggo days. I used to be a Monday appointment with both Em & B.



Somehow while mentally preparing I forgot about emotionally readying myself. I walked in & there sat 3 very pregnant women. Deep breath, sit down. Today he was backed up too. So for the first time in YEARS, I really waited. 45 minutes before being called. That has only happened one other time in 6 years. Today was a waiting room of very pregnant women & not one, but two women with baby boys in strollers. One beside me was named "Ben" & 7 months old. Looked like a china doll but with dark hair & eyes. The cutest baby & for whatever reason he kept going out of his way to get my attention.



By the time Ann Marie(nurse) called me back I was on the very edge of tears. Thankfully half of my ablation pathology report was MIA & that provided a distraction. She called & had it faxed over while I was there & at least everything doc removed last month...the several polyps were all nothing.



Have you ever tried to tell your doctor that you are basically a hormonal, emotional basketcase? Ever tried to figure out exactly what to say to get some help without getting yourself locked away for awhile. Ever tried to do that while still be very upset by pretty much the entire waiting room you knew you'd have to face just to get yourself out the door?



Bad. Bad. Lousy. Humbling. Just awful.



He suggested waiting on any hormone replacement type stuff & trying an antidepressant for a month or 2. He said try it then go against the norm & stop it after a month & see how I feel. It might be that I just need something to balance me out and 30 days might be enough.



So hello Prozac.



John is back to being ridiculously supportive. I got out of that office & got home before a few tears fell. He realized & went into "It's going to be fine..." mode & I thought how friggin ironic. I'm not crying about cancer or the concept of being sick. It's the thought of that bitty boy making me so upset.



I shoved him out the door for a few hours to work. I needed to gather myself a bit. He has called 3 times in 5 hours. Last night we were talking & for the first time I really saw it- just how worn out he is from worrying. Worrying about me. It has taken a big toll on both of us.



Tonite the plan is to go to bed early. He wants to just curl up together & I'm heading there anyway. There's nothing I want to do other than to stretch out and try to cope.



I feel like that's where I'm at. I need to figure out how to cope.