Aubrey LaRue

01:23 pm - Walking Waterworks


Yesterday was hellish for me physically. i was just beyond exhausted. Doing simple little things felt impossible. It took me all day to accomplish precious little & that in itself had me really discouraged. John was home and was very aware of my patheticness. I swear every time he passed me he'd stop to hug me. Then last night he made a typical sarcastic comment, one that would normally get a sarcastic reponse- our typical banter.



"So do you intend to weed the garden anytime soon?" Insinuating the obvious, it needs it. I started bawling my eyes out because I of all people KNOW that it needs attention. The problem is I bend down to do it in 90 degree heat & feel like I'm going to pass right the hell out. I'm having bloodwork every week until the next surgery & if my hemoglobin doesn't go up enough my doc suggested considering a transfusion. My normal reaction would be no freakin way. Bad enough I needed them having babies but I really did NEED them. I told John in the middle of hysterics that now I'm thinking about it & instead of shooting it down I'm thinking, "Well, maybe." That means I feel REALLY shitty if I'm willing to resort to that.



I'm glad it was his long week at work & I'm glad he wasn't around as much as normal because I've been a portable sprinkler system in flip flops all week. Later last night I had a grand scale meltdown. I mean really huge.



Complete with an apology for not giving him a son.



Yes, everything you are thinking I already thought & know. But that is how abysmal I was.



He for his part has been nothing but wonderful. Frankly I don't know how the hell he can stand me right now but if anything he is clearly more loving than even just a week ago.



Today it is so much cooler. Only mid 70's & that has made a huge difference for me. Everything outside is weeded & cleaned up. The house is for the most part clean, the kids have had their baths & I still have energy.



John got suckered into grilling for everyone at work today (they're open but expect no business really) so I volunteered to make macaroni & potato salad if he took Maya & Em with him for a few hours. He is coming for them now so that's about the closest I get to childfree, like, ever.