Old Continental Ad + One

Not Myself Tonite

I'm out of character...

I'm in rare form
If you really knew me
You'd know it's not the norm
Cause I'm doing things that I normally won't do
The old me's gone I feel brand new
And if you don't like it fuck you.


Last night while dumping a bunch of new music onto my iphone I decided to clean out my desk.  It contains two drawers that haven't been actually cleaned out in years. How many years?  Well, i found a day planner that was never used from 2007, okay? 

2007.  When I was still semi-married. Dealing on a daily basis with crazy ass.  When my kids were 7, 5 & 4.  Babies basically.

I dumped so much stuff in the garbage, obviously. Truth be told, I had completely forgotten about a lot of what those drawers contained.  I also felt like I was going thru someone elses' desk because I have changed that much.   It was like sifting thru a best friends personal belongings.  Familiar, yet not quite mine. Half finished writing projects that are pretty damn good.  Distance from them gives me clarity.  They will be cleaned up & land in an old lit agent friends' hands.  Stuff that I don't remember really writing & am semi-impressed by myself.  Envelopes filled with developed photos of little girls, my gardens, the beach, skating shows, etc.  Things taken back when I really shot daily.  It was a goal back then.  I still do shoot daily but it's not quite the same.

Remnants of a life that I lived while being as detatched & unaffected as possible.  I was miserable.  The things that I found really didn't reflect the unhappiness but rather me, trying to hang on to what did make me happy. Certainly not him.  I can honestly look back & say that I was happy with him for about 2.5 years- out of 11. The first year & then a year & a half much later on when we seemed to have fixed things. That 18 months was the best we had ever had.  OMG I really thought we had done the work & had made it. I never saw the huge unraveling that was going to happen. Never. I think that's why there was so much of that year sitting in my desk. I detatched to deal, got lost in stuff to keep me from really thinking.

The only regret I have is that I don't have the time to kind of be that person still.  I mean, I need to bridge things a bit. I had time to be so much more creative & at root that is a huge part of who I am. I'm supposed to be writing, shooting, planting...  But now I'm also very, very practical & focused.  I need to work a LOT. I need to drag my ass thru these courses because I need this degree to get to the job that I belong in. I need to make more money because these kids deserve as much as I can give them. I don't want to say we need to wait another month to go to the beach because your birthday parties & end of school stuff has left me broke!  I want to drop everything & be able to just go.  I want to know that on my time off we can do things.

I found a ton of notebooks, completely unwritten in. I rarely put pen to paper now. It's a joke. I sit- I sleep. Pretty much that quickly. I go to check email on my phone & am asleep before it loads. I'll wake still holding my phone!  I need to make awake time to be creative.  I think my desk area is maybe the next thing to change.  Maybe if I actually see creative stuff out & waiting for me, I'll use it.

I hope. I'd like to reconnect with that girl.

Smile :)

Get Off Your Ass & LIVE Already!

That sentiment could be applied to SO many people that I know, somedays myself included. The past two weeks have brought several situations that have made me think this. From crushdrivers "discontentment" at trying to (maybe? who knows these days) beat the corpse of the dead horse, to friends that procrastinate even thinking about how bad they procrastinate their lives away.  Situations have happened that have made me stop to appreciate close calls. My sister being hit by a deer while driving 65MPH.  Lily's pool accident (see a few posts back & BTW, she is HOME :). Last night brought another example. A good friends ex husband passed away. They were amicable. He had an accident & an unknown blood clot went to his lungs. Gone. Just like that. Young, productive, happy in a new relationship. But gone nonetheless.

We assume every bit of todays shit will be waiting for us tomorrow & rest assured, it will be. But there's no garuntee that we'll be around to find a new shovel to try to dig ourselves out.

Seriously. Think about it.

Burpee Needs To Sell Money Tree Seeds

I rarely bitch about actually being a single mother. I mean, oftentimes I think if I didn't actually STATE it here, you wouldn't be sure. The giveaway might be the lack of dad pictures more than what I actually say. I have always somewhat hands on raised them alone. He worked a lot & then spent a lot of hours "out" (wherever that was). When we split my day to day life felt absolutely the same minus bullshit rolling in the door late in the day. I didn't have to adjust to juggling kids alone- because I realized then that I always kind of had been alone.  Now I actually like being alone with them. I like holding all the cards with them. I like having the final say. They are really good kids that really do listen. We were leaving a park yesterday as it was starting to sprinkle. They were at the top of playground equipment & I stood up, told them we were leaving & headed for a park gate. The response? Not "One more minute...just let me...I don't want to go..." Instead they all came running immediately, quite happily & followed me like little ducks.  Even when mad at me, they do as their told.  I'm lucky. After everything we've gone thru what I say goes & they respect me.

This past Father's Day left me slightly twisted. The last week of school B was doing a project- list ten things you know about day. One of her best friends raised her hand & asked Tracy (teacher) what B should do since "she doesn't have a dad anymore". B recounted this story as cheerfully as she tells anything else- in the middle of Wendy's while eating a cheeseburger. I was horrified at the phrasing of it. I mean, we are so used to the situation that it takes an outside comment to make me think, "Oh yeah, thats right...".  (the project BTW, was adaptable. B did ten things about grandpa)

They haven't seen their father in almost 2 years.  Yes, he is in theory bound by a restraining order but could request visitation. It would be supervised visits, but he could have chosen to see his children weekly to rebuild a relationship with them. He has made no attempt at this at all.  I had a moment the other day when I wanted to run. I desperately needed to be alone, preferable on a beach.  I am RARELY really alone. Alone means I'm going to work basically.  I realized that the space & freedom I crave, he has every day of his life. What is that like to have 3 kids & no responsibilities?  Can't imagine. I hear friends complain about their situations & I have a hard time holding my tongue. Wait, he wants more time with the kids?... Wait, you think $1500 a month is too little for child support?... Wait, you got your child support 2 weeks late?... Wait, he'll only pay half your childcare?...

Wow. Try never sending your kids with dad. Try having a child support order of only $800 a month for THREE kids & rarely EVER seeing any of it at all. Like maybe twice a year because a warrant was issued for non-payment & so he has to pay to stay out of jail. Imagine having to pay $246 bucks a week for summer childcare for the priviledge of going to work.  Almost a grand a month just to GO to work. I've been one a subsidised childcare list for a year waiting for help to offset the steep cost. When & if my name comes up I'll still probably have to pay $250 a month for fulltime daycare.  I got paid this morning & an extra tax of some sort was taken out. Once a year governmental thing I think. What I know is that it's 90 bucks that I needed this week.  This is my bad week every month because the big stuff is due in a few days. That 90 bucks was going for food.  Please tell me how I'm going to feed 3 kids til next Weds. on $25 bucks?  Anyone know because I sure as hell don't have a clue. Not a joke. Not an exaggeration. My bottom line. Everything necessary is paid & I've got nothing for the next week.

There's the bottom line of a single mother that busts her ass to do everything by herself.  If you scramble & work & do all the right things, this is where you end up. This is the reality. Ask any single mom that you know that would tell you the truth. Ironically, a single mom will be the first one to bail you out of a jam if she can. I bailed a few people out just last month. We know what it's like to be stuck & we also know that if you do good & help when you can, if you're lucky it comes back to you.

I don't think $25 would even buy enough Ramen noodles for a week. Not when I add in the necessary drinks to offset the 90 degree heat & humidity!

FML.

Lily Update

If you are a FB member here is a link to a group devoted to LILY.  I'll warn you. If you join & click into the pics you are going to fall in love with this little one.

My Biggest Fear

The other day I was reading thru blogs & found myself god knows where. You know how you follow a few links & end up somewhere new? Anyway, as I was reading I found a post about a 5 year old drowning victim. The accident happened last weekend & at that point she was on life support & it was very dicey. This is Lily.  If you scroll down her mom's Facebook badge features a current picture of her. She is still hospitalized but expected to make a full recovery. Lungs & brain fuction is absolutely fine thank god.

This story has eaten away at me all week. You'd think I knew this family. I think every mother has that thing that scares the shit out of them. Drowning is mine. It doesn't matter if my kids can swim AND are weighed down  by perfect swimmies AND tubes. I am absolutely positive that if I look down to grab a piece of gum I'm going to find a floating child. It's bad. My sister handles pool parties because I can't do it. It's not even that I think about it so much as I react. I'm fine in water. Not the strongest swimmer but I think a smart one. You'll never find me attempting to ride a huge wave because I really don't want to turn my life into a Baywatch scene ever. I know better. But throw me in a pool & that's cool.  Go back a zillion years to a pool party when my sister was a baby... you know the pudgy, can't yet walk but crawling everywhere stage (she's now 24)?  I was in the pool & my mom was going to get in so she handed me Kiki. "Hold her until I get in." Ok, no big deal I think. I take my sister & all of a sudden I'm shaking. OMG if I should drop her she'll sink. OMG she can't swim & is in 4 feet of water. OMG what if... I reacted before I thought any of these things, but this was my first glimpse at how jangled I get with little kids around water. Maya is ok & so much bigger. People think she's 13 at least because of how tall she is. She comes up to my eyes. I can no longer see above her! Truthfully I forget that she's 10 too. She's not chubby or a BIG girl, but a solid one. She steals my t-shirts and hoodies... at ten. Em I think has a healthy fear of the water. B forget it. She still believes she's completely invincible. Scares the shit out of me on a daily basis. B was swimming at a friends last week (I trust the mother completely) & I was like, "She is a WEAK swimmer at best but she thinks she's bionic." They put swimmies on her, an adult is in their pool at all times & still I worried.

I was talking to someone about it yesterday. I don't think there is any real way for me to get past my unhealthy fear at this stage. I just need to bite my bottom lip a lot & ride it out until they are bigger & stronger.

4 Minutes Without An Interruption IS A Lot To Ask, I Know...

Every once in awhile I miss having kids that couldn't read because I really hate being interrupted  by a child asking what I just wrote means!  Or better yet hanging a whole new meaning on my words & insisting they are right! Really?? You are 8.

Eight!

That's what I get for saying we are staying IN today until after dinner. We have been out all week plus I've worked. I need to clean my house, do laundry & be sitting here at nearly 2pm still in my jammies not yet having taken a shower.

House is almost clean (there is a child talking at me) and if I don't steal a few minutes now it likely won't happen. B has her last game tonite. I thought it was last night until an hour before when my friend informed me that her daughter was playing but mine was NOT. B's coach has been a dumbass all season. Her husband/co-coach is wonderful It's unanimous. Parents love him, dislike her. She arrives 5 minutes before every game, well except for the last one. Tuesday she was running late & strolled in at the TOP OF THE SECOND INNING!  3 of us parents took over. One guy was pitching, one was catcher & I was getting them ready to bat!  So she made a whole procution out of THURSDAY being the last game. Except that it's actually Friday.

The other night at the kids games I felt eyeballs on me. When they play at the same time there's a place between fields where you can bop from one fence to the other & see two games at a time. So I was there & I look over & see this cop I had dated.  He was with his (ex) wife I'm guessing because the girl playing looked JUST like the woman so she had to be about 6. I had heard some horror stories & then, there they were together. I was thankfully too far away to even say hi. I knodded to him & wow, it was just awkward. I figured his daughter was playing against B. Imagine my shock when she is ON B's team! I had never seen him at any other game! Kinda sad I think. Maybe he was at a game I'd missed but he was def. not a regular feature.

Crushdriver & I have finally spoken.  I avoided him for a good month. Ok, not avoided exactly, just didn't go out of my way to talk. Like when he was driving and stopped 20 feet in front of me head-on all I managed to do was wave... and keep running.  Finally the other day he caught me. I had the kids at the park & he literally parked & came over to talk to me. He's torn.

Blah Blah Blah.

He loves me.

Blah Blah Blah.


He doesn't know what to do because he wants to be with his kids FT but clearly can't make the marriage work.
 
Blah Blah Blah.


Luckily, I just don't care at all. Whatever. I was ambivalent towards him at best, told him I settle for nothing half-assed, won't be a second choice & that if he is back in her house then I'm not even an option. But that he needs to remember that while he is afraid of his feelings for me, other people are not.
 
SO glad that I'm not twisted & torn up over him. Single feels quite good & I'm so happy about that!
 
Time to transform back into the cleaning fairy.  Thank god I like being her. It's therapy only cheaper :)

Oh And Why Not?

Earlier today I was thinking that I had a few funny stories to tell here & that I'd do it later on tonite. Yeah. So I'm curled up on the couch with kids YELLING at me that I'm sleeping thru the dance for your lives section of SYTYCD (Hey I was WIDE awake for Usher though! Go me!) when I get a text. My sister just hit a deer.  Well actually, it hit her. Ran tight into the side of the car as she was going 60MPH on a country highway. She is ok. One side of the car is not. This is on the heels of a day of family shit. The religion topic was front & center today especially between her & my mother. Kiki pointed out several examples of howshe doesn't think for herself but does as she's told (um yes hello- that makes it a CULT). I'm not going into that mess but you guys that know me already know how messy it can get. Bottom line, it was already ugly at my parents & poor Kiki had to walk in there like this now tonite & that for sure won't be pretty.  My father is flipping rather than being grateful shes ok. She started to swerve & stopped herself. Had she done that she would likely have rolled the car & ended up in a ditch.

Funny? WTH was so funny? I don't remember at all. I'm going to go & crawl into bed & hopefully tomorrow I'll remember.

LoveNote

Just Another Manic Monday, No Wait- It's Tuesday. Right?

We've already discussed my utter confusion at days of the week anymore.  I know if I'm working graveyard then my day basically starts at 10:30pm when I get a shower but then that day just kind of goessssssssssssssssssssss onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr until I'm not sure of what day it is, is it really that day or that day only on my time sheet, is it normal time or military time. Should I have coffee or a martini? A bagel or baked ziti?

So basically I just don't care anymore. I look at my phone clock & calender constantly (cuz there's a special app for people as confused as I am) & wing it.

This could turn into a magical summer. Why you ask? Because B has been sleeping past 6:15am. She is usually up like clockwork, I hear feet run & the bathroom door slam. B's up. Always with a huge happy smile but still...

It's 6:15 in the morning...on a Sunday even.

The last few days she has slept later. This morning she got up at 8:30.

8:30

Holy Hell!

The other two sleep. Em just wandered downstairs & will stay curled up half awake under a blanket for an hour or two. Maya is still down for the count.

Me? I am on cup of coffee number two, already went for a 5 mile run (at 6am. It was cloudy & cool when I left & sunny with humidity by the time I walked back in the door), laundry is in & I'm zooming.  So much stuff is going on just this week alone. Yesterday we had a friends daughter for the day so we hit the park. I think I have her again today & lots of softball later. Tomorrow is Emmy day.  It's the first chance I'll have to celebrate her birthday from me. I mean yes, we had the party & yes she had red velvet cake ON her birthday too but I haven't given her a gift yet. We discussed it & she wants an MP3 player. Yes I know, 8 going on 15. She also wears a ring that was mine (yes my fingers are small enough that my 8 year old shares rings! I'm a 4.5 ring size!) & thinks she lost it at the park yesterday cause it is gone. She was really upset because she wants a ring to wear all the time from me. So that gift number two. I asked if she wanted to pick a ring out & I was told that I need to buy it & surprise her. Gift three, she wants to shop. Or should I say, money to shop.  Uh huh. 8 going on 18 right there.

Crossing fingers, I think Thursday is Sex In The City 2 night finally.

A few park pix...

Hello Hello Baby You Called I Can't Hear A Thing.

My brain is tossing around the whole connection thing again.  For me that is the relationship dealbreaker. I'm finding myself in a constant catch 22. Great guy, but he's married. Lots of potential, good verbal banter but married. Oh this one is completely available, adores me and I feel... precious little. He & I had a long chat today. We made it about 8 great months & he turned into a full blown deedeedee. Warning. If you become too stupid to talk to I won't waste time. Can it be good again? I'm doubtful.

Like really, really doubtful.

Something is always off and maybe it's me. Maybe I'm not supposed to be with anyone now. This ephiphany has occured to me. I am really fine & quite content to crawl into bed alone. Maybe I will sabatoge ANYTHING in my own head right now because it is simply not right, for me, right now. Maybe I thinki I'm open to it but I'm really not.

I can tell you this, I certainly haven't been looking. It's not even been a thought because I'm just too busy & absolutely happy with that.  Crushdriver can't get a conversation with me to save his life. DeeDeeDee. Well when you call & start off by saying, "Well, I worked out today" and that is as predictable as daybreak coming tomorrow, my phone may just so happen to purposely accidentally die.

So if I'm not really thinking about men in general & no one is getting much attention then why am I even discussing it now? A phone call triggered it. A friend that I grew up with called the other day on a whim. Instant chemistry. Instant banter. He amuses me & can keep up with me conversationally. There's common ground. He's a detective & we all know how anything criminal intrigues me. He's married and completely off limits. But it got me thinking of those who have been available. About the only thing I'm absolutely sure of is that I won't settle.

Happy 8th Birthday Emmy

Holding Baby Chicks

In case you hadn't noticed, B has become quite the artist!

         

"Momma Said Knock You Out, I'm Gonna Knock You Out!"

So  last month a girl moved in next door upstairs (strange huge house divided up oddly. I get all of one side, the other side has up/down apartments). She's college age & a bit louder than I'd expect. I say that because the guy beneath her is the same age & I never ever hear him. She is like a bull in a china shop. Not home much & neither am I so it works out fine. Until last night. At about 3am something came barreling thru my bedroom wall.

Oh. Wait. No it didn't. It just sounded that way.  I wake & think furniture is flying & I hear her yelling. I get up & open a window to try & figure out if there's a guy with her. I'm thinking domestic dispute for sure. Also know she wasn't home at 1am so she's probably been drinking.

No. No. And I don't know about the booze but that might be legit. She was screaming, yelling TRASHING her apartment & crying hysterically while on her phone.

It was a loud as hell indoor/outdoor cell tirade that lasted for 45 minutes. I know everyone has THOSE moments where they lose their mind. I know we have all gone ape on someone over the phone. I know I know. But when you wake me at 3am causing me to bolt down my stairs armed with phone & Mace to make sure my house is secure & then you continue the insanity for a LONG time when you damn well know kids are asleep nextdoor... it better only happen once.  Because it made me want to go all kind of ghetto & knock a bitch out.

Seriously.

Sleep is in high demand here.

I might cut you.

Or something.

I couldn't get back to sleep so I made coffee at 5 & figured I'd crawl into bed & read. I placed the coffee on my nightstand which is NOT wide. The top is seriously as big as a large magazine cover. Still there is a stack of books & my coffee cup. And the cat. Yes he decided to try to cut across the table but instead of stepping onto a book he stepped onto the rim of my coffee cup, tipping it of course. Was it all over the floor? Of course. On the edge of my bedding? Yup. That was nothing though compared to the real mess. The table has 4 drawers & two of them were slightly open. The lotions & potions in the top drawer were floating in coffee. The ipod, Emmy's b-day ipod that she gets tomorrow, the kids cell phone, etc were in the other open drawer. Lots of stuff is currently packed in RICE to dry out as I cross fingers & pray!

One two hour workout later...

and the day has at least not gotten any worse!

It's the first full day of summer vacation for the kids here.  Graduations, ice cream parties, homeroom mom activies, report cards- all of the craziness of the past week is done & now quite simply, here we are. Here are some highlites.

B & her teacher :)

Softball...

Field Day

BFF's

Graduation Gifts :)

Some Things

My love affair with vanilla coffee has been derailed like a torrid love affair. Slowly but surely I drifted away from it. It's always there but I'd usually rather something else. Unless I'm standing in a coffeehouse then it's all about the flavored coffee. But at home I now like my coffee the same way that I like my men: strong  and reliable with the ability to keep me awake.

My latest favorite color is orange. I know- how did THAT happen??????? I haven't owed an orange article of clothing in my entire adult life, until recently. Now there's a hoodie, shorts, flip flops... but it has to be the RIGHT shade of orange.

I'm *really* enjoying my alone time with the divas. We can always have people/friends around but I love the bookstore runs alone. I like rewarding the slushies myself after the games. I don't know how I'd do now if I had to coparent. I'm so used to doing it all & I'm so ok with that.

I think working graveyard is easier on me than working til midnite, at least when the kids are in school./  I am in rough shape if I sleep 2 or 3 hours & then have to get up. It's better for me to walk in the door & get kids up for school.  2nd shift is by far the roughest. Who knew?

The kids have just under 3 hours of school left. I'm all kinds of happysad. It has been a great year but we all NEED a break so bad. They are dismissed early tomorrow & we then have to run & get teacher's presents because I haven't had a chancve before now to do it. My day is...drop kids at school...run for ice cream party stuff...drop that at 9:30...get kids awhile later......bank...shopping...grocery shopping...playdate...work.  The last entire week has resembled this scenario an awful lot. Em's birthday is Sunday & I still need to get her big gift.  After that....we finally get a break.

Waiting...

Waiting to bat...

Her thoughts on tea T- ball...

Farewell To First Grade :(

It has been a very busy week for first grade.  Graduation.  The last field trip.  A 45 minute slide show yesterday  that demolished every parent in attendance. ( I get my DVD of it today & cannot wait to steal pics of B from it!!)  It has been a fabulous year and I feel so lucky to have shared it with B. I may miss it more than her.  It was a great group of kids (ok, there is always that ONE exception & I'll let you pick HER out LOL) & I've loved every minute with them. The little boy two over (on the left) from B is her future husband. He asked her to marry him (his twin will be there)  in his back yard over a year ago. What I recently found out is that she writes him love notes that he saves in his sidetabledrawer (I'm seeing talking furniture...). The girl cheek to cheek with B is a newfound friend. She started in their class after Xmas & now she & her older sister are often at my house. The 3 girls in the backrow are all B's BFF's. They have been together since preschool and can't imagine being seperated next year. The kid on the far right end in the back row is Emmy's BFF's brother. He & B play under the bleachers while their sisters have softball games. Em once pointed out that he looks just like The Elf on the Shelf & OMG he is a deadringer.  I think it every time I see him & everyone I've mentioned it to now does the same. I could go on & on. I could tell you about them all driving back from the Crayola Factory passed out, asleep on each other. I could tell you about how sweet they were when finally getting to hold the newly hatched baby chicks.  I could try (& fail) to describe walking onto the playground at recess to see them bonkers over a kickball game- because the principal was playing too (he was on third base).  I have been there when THAT ONE purposely upsets a child & I have seen the entire rest of the class jump in to try & "fix" it.  I could explain the Xmas show & how one boy was terrified to go on the big high school stage. They huddled protectively around him until they had to line up. Then his best friend stood in line with him holding his hand all the way onto the stage & thru their performance. 

They love each other so much & it has been an amazing this to see.