Burpee Needs To Sell Money Tree Seeds

I rarely bitch about actually being a single mother. I mean, oftentimes I think if I didn't actually STATE it here, you wouldn't be sure. The giveaway might be the lack of dad pictures more than what I actually say. I have always somewhat hands on raised them alone. He worked a lot & then spent a lot of hours "out" (wherever that was). When we split my day to day life felt absolutely the same minus bullshit rolling in the door late in the day. I didn't have to adjust to juggling kids alone- because I realized then that I always kind of had been alone.  Now I actually like being alone with them. I like holding all the cards with them. I like having the final say. They are really good kids that really do listen. We were leaving a park yesterday as it was starting to sprinkle. They were at the top of playground equipment & I stood up, told them we were leaving & headed for a park gate. The response? Not "One more minute...just let me...I don't want to go..." Instead they all came running immediately, quite happily & followed me like little ducks.  Even when mad at me, they do as their told.  I'm lucky. After everything we've gone thru what I say goes & they respect me.

This past Father's Day left me slightly twisted. The last week of school B was doing a project- list ten things you know about day. One of her best friends raised her hand & asked Tracy (teacher) what B should do since "she doesn't have a dad anymore". B recounted this story as cheerfully as she tells anything else- in the middle of Wendy's while eating a cheeseburger. I was horrified at the phrasing of it. I mean, we are so used to the situation that it takes an outside comment to make me think, "Oh yeah, thats right...".  (the project BTW, was adaptable. B did ten things about grandpa)

They haven't seen their father in almost 2 years.  Yes, he is in theory bound by a restraining order but could request visitation. It would be supervised visits, but he could have chosen to see his children weekly to rebuild a relationship with them. He has made no attempt at this at all.  I had a moment the other day when I wanted to run. I desperately needed to be alone, preferable on a beach.  I am RARELY really alone. Alone means I'm going to work basically.  I realized that the space & freedom I crave, he has every day of his life. What is that like to have 3 kids & no responsibilities?  Can't imagine. I hear friends complain about their situations & I have a hard time holding my tongue. Wait, he wants more time with the kids?... Wait, you think $1500 a month is too little for child support?... Wait, you got your child support 2 weeks late?... Wait, he'll only pay half your childcare?...

Wow. Try never sending your kids with dad. Try having a child support order of only $800 a month for THREE kids & rarely EVER seeing any of it at all. Like maybe twice a year because a warrant was issued for non-payment & so he has to pay to stay out of jail. Imagine having to pay $246 bucks a week for summer childcare for the priviledge of going to work.  Almost a grand a month just to GO to work. I've been one a subsidised childcare list for a year waiting for help to offset the steep cost. When & if my name comes up I'll still probably have to pay $250 a month for fulltime daycare.  I got paid this morning & an extra tax of some sort was taken out. Once a year governmental thing I think. What I know is that it's 90 bucks that I needed this week.  This is my bad week every month because the big stuff is due in a few days. That 90 bucks was going for food.  Please tell me how I'm going to feed 3 kids til next Weds. on $25 bucks?  Anyone know because I sure as hell don't have a clue. Not a joke. Not an exaggeration. My bottom line. Everything necessary is paid & I've got nothing for the next week.

There's the bottom line of a single mother that busts her ass to do everything by herself.  If you scramble & work & do all the right things, this is where you end up. This is the reality. Ask any single mom that you know that would tell you the truth. Ironically, a single mom will be the first one to bail you out of a jam if she can. I bailed a few people out just last month. We know what it's like to be stuck & we also know that if you do good & help when you can, if you're lucky it comes back to you.

I don't think $25 would even buy enough Ramen noodles for a week. Not when I add in the necessary drinks to offset the 90 degree heat & humidity!

FML.