My Biggest Fear

The other day I was reading thru blogs & found myself god knows where. You know how you follow a few links & end up somewhere new? Anyway, as I was reading I found a post about a 5 year old drowning victim. The accident happened last weekend & at that point she was on life support & it was very dicey. This is Lily.  If you scroll down her mom's Facebook badge features a current picture of her. She is still hospitalized but expected to make a full recovery. Lungs & brain fuction is absolutely fine thank god.

This story has eaten away at me all week. You'd think I knew this family. I think every mother has that thing that scares the shit out of them. Drowning is mine. It doesn't matter if my kids can swim AND are weighed down  by perfect swimmies AND tubes. I am absolutely positive that if I look down to grab a piece of gum I'm going to find a floating child. It's bad. My sister handles pool parties because I can't do it. It's not even that I think about it so much as I react. I'm fine in water. Not the strongest swimmer but I think a smart one. You'll never find me attempting to ride a huge wave because I really don't want to turn my life into a Baywatch scene ever. I know better. But throw me in a pool & that's cool.  Go back a zillion years to a pool party when my sister was a baby... you know the pudgy, can't yet walk but crawling everywhere stage (she's now 24)?  I was in the pool & my mom was going to get in so she handed me Kiki. "Hold her until I get in." Ok, no big deal I think. I take my sister & all of a sudden I'm shaking. OMG if I should drop her she'll sink. OMG she can't swim & is in 4 feet of water. OMG what if... I reacted before I thought any of these things, but this was my first glimpse at how jangled I get with little kids around water. Maya is ok & so much bigger. People think she's 13 at least because of how tall she is. She comes up to my eyes. I can no longer see above her! Truthfully I forget that she's 10 too. She's not chubby or a BIG girl, but a solid one. She steals my t-shirts and hoodies... at ten. Em I think has a healthy fear of the water. B forget it. She still believes she's completely invincible. Scares the shit out of me on a daily basis. B was swimming at a friends last week (I trust the mother completely) & I was like, "She is a WEAK swimmer at best but she thinks she's bionic." They put swimmies on her, an adult is in their pool at all times & still I worried.

I was talking to someone about it yesterday. I don't think there is any real way for me to get past my unhealthy fear at this stage. I just need to bite my bottom lip a lot & ride it out until they are bigger & stronger.