Not Myself Tonite

I'm out of character...

I'm in rare form
If you really knew me
You'd know it's not the norm
Cause I'm doing things that I normally won't do
The old me's gone I feel brand new
And if you don't like it fuck you.


Last night while dumping a bunch of new music onto my iphone I decided to clean out my desk.  It contains two drawers that haven't been actually cleaned out in years. How many years?  Well, i found a day planner that was never used from 2007, okay? 

2007.  When I was still semi-married. Dealing on a daily basis with crazy ass.  When my kids were 7, 5 & 4.  Babies basically.

I dumped so much stuff in the garbage, obviously. Truth be told, I had completely forgotten about a lot of what those drawers contained.  I also felt like I was going thru someone elses' desk because I have changed that much.   It was like sifting thru a best friends personal belongings.  Familiar, yet not quite mine. Half finished writing projects that are pretty damn good.  Distance from them gives me clarity.  They will be cleaned up & land in an old lit agent friends' hands.  Stuff that I don't remember really writing & am semi-impressed by myself.  Envelopes filled with developed photos of little girls, my gardens, the beach, skating shows, etc.  Things taken back when I really shot daily.  It was a goal back then.  I still do shoot daily but it's not quite the same.

Remnants of a life that I lived while being as detatched & unaffected as possible.  I was miserable.  The things that I found really didn't reflect the unhappiness but rather me, trying to hang on to what did make me happy. Certainly not him.  I can honestly look back & say that I was happy with him for about 2.5 years- out of 11. The first year & then a year & a half much later on when we seemed to have fixed things. That 18 months was the best we had ever had.  OMG I really thought we had done the work & had made it. I never saw the huge unraveling that was going to happen. Never. I think that's why there was so much of that year sitting in my desk. I detatched to deal, got lost in stuff to keep me from really thinking.

The only regret I have is that I don't have the time to kind of be that person still.  I mean, I need to bridge things a bit. I had time to be so much more creative & at root that is a huge part of who I am. I'm supposed to be writing, shooting, planting...  But now I'm also very, very practical & focused.  I need to work a LOT. I need to drag my ass thru these courses because I need this degree to get to the job that I belong in. I need to make more money because these kids deserve as much as I can give them. I don't want to say we need to wait another month to go to the beach because your birthday parties & end of school stuff has left me broke!  I want to drop everything & be able to just go.  I want to know that on my time off we can do things.

I found a ton of notebooks, completely unwritten in. I rarely put pen to paper now. It's a joke. I sit- I sleep. Pretty much that quickly. I go to check email on my phone & am asleep before it loads. I'll wake still holding my phone!  I need to make awake time to be creative.  I think my desk area is maybe the next thing to change.  Maybe if I actually see creative stuff out & waiting for me, I'll use it.

I hope. I'd like to reconnect with that girl.