These Are Days

Another crazy weekend here topping off a crazy week. Yesterday the girls wanted to bring drawings & flowers to my sister to cheer her up. She is recovering well but still living with very blurry vision & sunglasses 24/7. There is concern because her vision never returned to normal after the first retina tear, so healing from the second one... we don't know what the outcome will ultimately be. She was in good spirits though & we ended up staying at my moms for a few hours. After that we headed up to the newly renovated playground at McDade Park. That place is phenomenal & I'm not sure exactly what the surface is but it's like walking on a springboard. NO FILTHY KIDS when you leave :)

It started raining at about 8pm & has yet to stop so our opening day ceremonies for softball are postponed. SO glad. I can deal with the FREEZING cold practice that Em had last week. Or the one that ended in a thunder storm for B. But 12 hours of mud is a whole other thing.  No thank you. Looks like we'll be ordering pizza and having a nice, comfy movie day instead.

Update coming on Maya later on. Surgery is scheduled and that's a post in itself, In the meantime, here's some new pics!

T-Ball

Oh was B nervous. She told me yesterday that she had "callapitters" in her tummy and that today those "callapitters" would turn into butterflies.  So she played for an hour tonite & skipped away saying she loved it.  Good thing considering her first game is this weekend. EXACTLY at the same time as Emmy's first game! And what time is that at?  Their first games are 90 minutes BEFORE their team pics are taken.

Heh.

Another of those "firsts"

Emmy's very first softball practice was today.  She loves to play & decided to join a league this year. As luck would have it, she is already friends with 5 of the 11 girls on her team.  We walked over to the fields this afternoon & my poor girl was SO nervous. She kept gripping my hand as we walked, telling me, "I'm so so so so wanna die nervous."  Em will get like that but at the last minute she always takes that big leap & usually has fun.  I've talked to her coach a few times & I knew he was nice. We got to the fields & three coaches were working with them today. She spent a little over an hour batting, chasing balls & catching a few here and there.  We left exactly the way I figured we would- with her anxious to go back.  One more practice until opening day.

As Em played the rest of us were popsicles. It was 52 frigid degrees thanks to wicked wind & sprinkling rain. I seriously needed coffee & a Suggie & I will remember that if next week doesn't warm up!

Another good weekend here. I remember a few years ago thinking that my bad mommy years would be elementary school. By bad mommy I mean my most uncomfortable years. Its funny how you go from chasing toddlers to helping with homework & it feels so overwhelming.  I thought having kids that could answer back, that I needed to explain myself to would make this whole motherhood thing BEYOND hard for me.  I remember missing the baby years & thinking nothing would ever be as fun.

Shock.

I love this 1st, 2nd, 4th grade thing. LOVE it. The homeroom mother thing...the posse of little girls...watching these little kids that I've known for years now growing...

The crazy schedule.  Trying to cram in work-work-school-my school-homework galore-and then all the extras.  This insanity is priceless and precious in a whacked kind of way.  Some days I'm shocked the way things actually work out. This weekend included 2 birthday parties, roller skating, shopping yesterday,  softball today and somehow the house is clean, 6 loads of laundry are done and put away, dinner was a huge home cooked meal, everything is ready for tomorrow...

I'm amazed.

B had fun today at the park. She brought her Alex doll and was picking blowies.

One Two Three

They Were Rewarded :)

Report card day. Something went right this week.

Ironic.

I got a call from my sister yesterday afternoon. Our other sister had retinal surgery a few months ago. TODAY was supposed to (finally) be her first day back to work. Her vision has changed drastically, reading & computers require things to be maximized. She is depressed by this but is so glad to be getting back to normal things at least. Until yesterday. Yesterday she re-tore the same retina. Kiki calls me to tell me that she has to take Cas & my mom to Philly again for more surgery. She's stuffing things into an overnite bag & you can just hear crickets on the phone line between us. Neither of us really wants to start the obvious onslaught of shit-fuck-wtf-why now that we are both thinking.

So they go & I'm left here with my girls. I'm also on dad duty since he stayed behind because of work. I throw together pasta & homemade meatballs, power clean & try not to worry. Kiki & I are in constant contact by text. I know they were stuck on the Sure-Kill for an hour in traffic. I know when they finally found a hotel. I know it cost 6 bucks for Kiki to be a soda & M&M's. Nobody slept well. I'm still jangled by crushdriver so at some point last night I wrote him a note. I realized I needed to give my emotions to him. I had to spill my heart as he did.  Back to bed yet no sleep.  I get up this morning, take the kids to school except Maya. She has an eye appointment, needs new glasses I figure. No biggie.  On the way over to the Eye Docs I see crushdriver. Figure I'll give him my note later because I know I'll have the opportunity.

Maya is a bit nervous as usual. They put her at ease typical eye stuff. As we're there I'm getting texts. Cas is in surgery. She is still in. They test Maya a bit. Cas will be out soon. Another eye test for Maya. Cas is in recovery it went well. Maya's doc sits down & says, "Her cataract has moved down & is blocking her vision. She is seeing about 20-80 out of that eye. A surgical option is really in her best interest now because it won't improve on its own."

WHAT????????

Wait. My SISTER is the one with the eye issues, not my DAUGHTER. Someone is confused, right?

Right??

No.

And it gets better & by now you all know that by better I mean a whole lot worse. There is a new cataract in her other eye that needs to come out too. We see a surgeon on Tuesday & he will be scheduling her in.

I'm thinking April needs to be the worst month of this year which would me the burning pile of crap is almost half over.

Pieces...More Pieces...Oh Look, There's More Pieces Over There

I'm a disaster. Glorified trainwreck.  I have not been like this in... (drawing TOTAL blank) in.... I have NO idea how long. Tears started falling late last night and I thought, ok, this is ok. My heart is on the line & it's serious.  I get it. It's ok. Problem?  The tears have continued dropping ALL day. I am not like this. I'm not generally a crier. I'm not blocked either I just think precious little is worth losing tears over.

Apparently he is.

I feel heartbroken and I'm not even sure if it's justified, yet. I know I have put my heart out there for awhile and now he opened his to me. He handed me pieces of his heart and I just don't know what to do with them. I know he needs time to process stuff. I know coming out of a divorce after a long marriage, to have deep feelings for another is scary. He told me I'm right up there with his ex & his girls & how scary that is. I understand. He's not a serial anything. Late 40's, only married once & for a long time. He doesn't fall hard or often. The emotional connection IS overwhelming. I myself have never had one with any man that rivals this.  So he needs time. When I give him time he always circles back a bit more sure and steady.  I need to nail my fingers down & not call. I cannot.

Can. Not.

But in the meantime I'm sitting here with all these pieces. Everything that I've wished & prayed for him to say, everything that I have felt for well over a year and that I've seen in his eyes and heard in his voice, it is all sitting definitively in my lap. It is all out in the open and within reach now but is it safe to hold onto it?  Is this the part where we finally become solid or is it going to be a near miss?  Thisclose and he slips away again? Only this time it would be so much worse.  Just contemplating the possible hurt is crushing me today. He said he had to give me everything, every bit of love & affection, everything not said, every random thing that I've done (& forgotton) that has made him feel special. I've gathered all these extra pieces and I don't know how to deal here. I didn't really know where to hide my own before this week.

So If He Loves Me Why Am I Heartbroken?

Seriously.  I saw the downside of our talk coming. I have heard everything I needed to hear, we feel exactly the same way, yet I'm here alone.  I respect that he needs time to think things thru, I get it & understand it. But, you don't just say everything you said & walk away.  I feel terrible.

And... Life Continues

Yes, Satan was let out last week.  By that time I had my head around the situation, taken every precaution available to me & refused to shut down shop here. Life went on. The girls had only a 4 day school break but we crammed it with stuff. The park, softball & trip up to a favorite mall in NY state.

Easter...

The weather broke for real & brought some 80 degree days...

Emmy read several more books...

and started a diary...

Last night wrapped up a great week with a kids dance party. I'm sorry, a girls only dance-dance-dance party which benefitted our softball teams...I suffered thru Justin Beiber to get to Lady GaGa..

See, life continues just as it should :)

Connection

I had just dropped the kids off this morning, ran to the grocery store & returned home when my phone started ringing. It was well before 9 & I grabbed the phone without looking at the caller id. It was crushdriver.  Haven't spoken in about 2 weeks & quite frankly I've been more than a little preoccupied with life, batshit crazy people & well, more life.  He told me he had a break between 10-12 and asked if he could come over. I hedged. Not exactly sure why but I did.  Honestly I made up an excuse about a quick appointment at 9:30 & told him to call me back at 10. This would buy me time. I was apprehensive but I still can't pinpoint why. Somehow I just sensed that he needed to talk.  He has come out of a marriage that he tried to save & has talked about that but there has just been this wall. He'll say he is afraid but can never truly explain that fear. Now, I know exactly what that fear is. I see it in his eyes. He cares too much & it scares the hell out of him so he runs. I get it & I won't run after anyone. I figure he'll come to me when he is strong enough or he'll come to me when it's too late. We've already discussed the connection here in earlier entries, whether we're together or not this man & I will likely collide with each other for the rest of our lives. It's one of those kind of connections so I get the fear.

This morning he sounded different. I should have spent that hour power cleaning, pulling myself together- all the typical girl stuff. I did none of that. He called me before ten and I talked to him still in my sweats not a stitch of makeup on my face. I conned myself into thinking I might not let him in the door. Eventually I found myself applying eyeliner while holding the phone & opening the front door.

He immediately scooped me up and we curled up together on my couch.  I have watched this man build walls galore. I KNOW that he loves me & I have watched him run from it for a very long time.  Today was different. It all came tumbling down, finally.  Today I finally understood why he runs. Today I could relate to how he deals with things.  Today when he looked me dead in the eyes, my face in his hands & told me how much he loves me  I believed him. When he told me how peaceful he felt after finally pushing thru his fear, I felt that peace. He was a different man when he left. A calm, less tortured man.  At one point he said that he almost never wanted to see me again because almost everything else we do would pale in comparison to this morning. That could sound borderline cheesy unless you've experienced it yourself.  I've waited for a year & a half for him let it all go and be honest, to feel the comfort that comes when you do & how breathing is even easier.  Having that happen was priceless & precious. Not much else can rival that.

He left 90 minutes later, headed back to work.  Where are we now?  Everything is kind of hanging & that feels right.  I know what we are, not just because I know it but because he told me as well.  This was a step he needed to take in order to be with anyone else ever again. He needed to break down walls & see that it's ok. It may have taken me 39 years to actually feel true unconditional love for a man. I'd like him with me, but I want him at peace & happy. If that leads him elsewhere, it's really ok.

It really is ok.  I still have that precious memory & somehow it would be enough.

Dear Bunny, Please Go Away!

Em is still afraid of the Easter Bunny. She does an impersonation of him hopping thru the house saying, "I'm coming to bite you Emily." The other day in art they had to draw an Easter related picture. She got creative & decided to solve her problem. She drew the bunny robbing a candy store, getting busted & being hauled off to jail where he can NOT deliver eggs.

She watched Harriet The Spy last weekend & so this week she decided to start keeping a diary. I discovered it accidentally  & then she started showing it to me.

Love the creativity that pours out of this kid!

Day One of Groundhog Day

It's over.  He is OUT out. Walking the streets again. Driving the stolen car he statshed. No doubt throwing back too many martini's  while plotting my demise.  The kids know. Safety plan is in place. I'm stocked. Mace. More Mace. Taser. Yes, I said taser. That's where dating an ex-cop came in handy.

One day down many more to come. But we got thru it and somehow, that seems like enough. An accomplishment. A big deal of sorts. We walked out the door into the sunshine on this first day of spring break & headed to the park. That's where the kids belonged no matter how apprehensive I felt or what thoughts I had. Life goes on... in spite of him. Perhaps that is the best fuck you I can ever hand him. No, I don't need your money. No, I don't need you to run these kids to activities. No, I don't need you to help with homework, make a great family meal or do ten tons of laundry. I've done all that with time to spare.  Fuck you, life goes on quite happily, without you.

Knowing that today seems like a lot.