Aubrey LaRue

02:33 pm


So everyone's cat sleeps like this, right?



???????



I'm just saying, she is bizarre.



I'm debating about canceling my session with Tom tomorrow. I feel like I have little left to say & like words falling from my mouth won't help much now. Maybe I'm wrong but I think i just have a lot to figure out on my own.



John. I don't know what I'm thinking really. Either I'm with him & supportive or else I'm not. I'm supporting him, but am I with him really at this point? I'm not sure. He has done a complete turn around over the last year & really stuck to his word. When he says he'll never repeat last weekend because it scared the hell out of him, I have very little reason not to believe him. When he says he'll do whatever necessary to keep himself in line, I believe he will. I do believe that he wants & intends to do everything necessary to hold onto us. I think he was far enough removed from his former self that he forgot he could slip, badly. I believe he will put his foot down with his mother & close her out if need be. I have seen him do nothing but cater to OUR family even while she has been around. It was me the last few months saying, let's meet her later...tell her she can stay tonite...it was me trying to help pull people together. Not him. His list of unforgivables regarding her behavior is actually longer than mine is.



It isn't about what he will do & what I really trust. I mean, I fear, yes. But I do trust he wants things as they were. But the reality is that he is in recovery & slips can & do happen. Can I deal with that? Can I accept that he might slip smallscale & learn something in the process, or is that not good enough. If I can't accept that he may slip & need some extra help then I can't be here. If I can't support him thru the rough spots, truly just support him & trust that it'll work because nothing else is an option, then he deserves better. Or someone different. I'm not perfect & I can't expect him to be the perfect man that I need him to be all of the time. If what he has turned into isn't good enough, then I can't stay.



What he has turned into is the man that cooks for me, caters to me, is constantly entertwined with me either lumping on the couch or sitting outside on the swing, he calls twice a day from work just to say hi, he comes home for lunch because he misses us, he does anything at all that I ask him to when it comes to the kids- be it putting B back to bed for the 5th time in 30 minutes or playing ball with Maya, he has embraced his familytime and goes out alone maybe once a month as opposed to 3 hours a night, the kids cry if he walks out the door without kissing them goodbye, he is a great provider and works his ass off for the extras, after he wrapped his head around the word cancer he has been an enormous support, walking the line of nurturing NOT caretaking, he communicates everything & has become my best friend.



If I can't look at all of the good & accept a royal fuck up here & there then this won't work.



I don't know if it is all enough. That is the problem. Maybe I'm coming off of last weekend still. Maybe it's my hormones being completely fuckered. Maybe it's the fact that I'm sick a bit more than I ever let on & after 6 months I'm just tired & drained from having something eating away at me.



The "I don't knows" are very calmly stated in my head. I'm not crying, it's matter of fact. I have no plan of tossing him so that tells me I'm more inclined to see how this plays out. Maybe watching him do all that he promised & watching him verbally pummel his mother will help. Maybe the meds that I'm most definetly asking for next week will help as well. I intended to talk to Dr. Tsous about the hormonal whackedness & ask for a script...just in case. Now I can't imagine coming home without a filled script. I'm waving a white flag here. I concede. I need more help.

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11:02 am



Blue - Rational and sympathetic. You are the best

friend anyone can ask for. You tend to put

others ahead of yourself.





What Color Glow Stick Are You?

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09:17 am - Tomorrow Looks Lovely

Don't give in, without a fight~ Pink Floyd



I'm supposed to get the sitter for tomorrow night. I truly could care less. Will it matter? will it make things better? What if it makes it all simply worse?



I'm questioning or simply overthinking everything. You know...What if this was wrong...what if I should have divorced him...what if I chose WRONG, dead WRONG...



In the pit of my stomach & in my heart am I really questioning these things? I don't know. Maybe it is a protective surface-level thing. There's just too much right now.



I am so tired. It occured to me that my body has been fighting off this shit for 6 months now that I'm sure of. 6 months is nothing yet it is a long time all at once. I just want to be alone somewhere, a little bungalow on a beach or something. Leave me the fuck alone already. In reality, I agreed to a transfusion tomorrow. One stupid bag to lift my hemmoglobin. I could barf thinking about it, but I know the difference it can & hopefully will make. I'm still below a 10 (12+ is normal) & the surgery Monday will knock me down a bit more. I need anything that will boost me so that I can get back up to speed faster. I pretty much know my body will react for a few weeks after cutting out the cancer & I'll be sick. So logic says, Tania needs to fuel up.



But damn.