Aubrey LaRue

So. Much. To. Say.




Talked to my mother for the first time in nearly 4 months. 2 hours worth of shit there. I am left angry. Hurt. Talked down to. strong for telling her exactly what I really think. Could kill Cassie, truly. Actually discussed her "replacement" daughter Chemire & she said this girl is not a replacement but, "Don't take this the wrong way Tania, but the bible(naming scripture) says that when you let one thing go you are blessed with something else." I'm better for telling her exactly how judgemental she is & how the message is loud & clear- go to her church or you're not worthy. Redirected her back to Cassie about 50 times until I nearly lost my flippin mind. Cassie saved all of my responses to her yet managed to delete everything she had written first. Every ledge that I talked her down from, every bit of understanding & support was seen. Except that traces of the suicidal, harshly judged girl were wiped out. I just looked like I had nothing better to rant about or think about. My mother's comment, "No one wants to speak to you, not even Cassie." My comment, "Really? Then why is she still emailing me?" I could hear my mother's jaw drop thru the phone. I got things out, not that she absorbed much I'm sure, but I held my ground. "You know I love you & think of you every day. I've wanted to pick up the phone & call. I don't want to leave the kids hanging...How could you believe I don't care...?"



My response..."I can't believe, as a mother, knowing that my child has cancer & not going out of my way to be there. Not being ACTIVE in their life. I can't as a mother, imagine making so many excuses not to see my grandkids."



It'll take time to sort out the wreckage. How angry am I with Cass...I do know that I still have no intention of contact though. That is still my feeling.



What else happened today? Hmmm. I watched a neighbor's friend get out of her car then reach in and pull out a baby boy who was probably 5 months old.



The tears were plentiful.



I officially can't look at baby boys. At least not today.



When I woke from the surgery almost 2 weeks ago my doc told me my uterus was swollen to the size of about 12-14 weeks pregnant. I'm used to swelling around the incision site. I figured it was scar tissue & I knew my 2 bottom abs were shot anyway so I never thought much of it really. Let's go back...I got pregnant with Em in Oct. 2001...got pregnant 10 weeks after having Em in Oct. 2002 & then was left with scar tissue anyway. How the hell would I remember what normal looks like???



This week, I am normal & omg was I swollen! I was used to having a 4 pack & thinking ab work was wasted on my bottom abs. Now they are not cut, but my entire stomach is flat. John commented on it without me saying anything.



Emily. After peeing in every godamned room of the house today & demolishing 3 pairs of shorts, finally, finally at 5pmEST pissed ON her potty. OMG the hysterical euphoria. You'd think we'd won the lottery. Hell, with 2 in diapers getting one trained is kind of like winning the lottery.