Chloe

About a week ago I watched this movie & loved it. Very dark & dirty. Amanda Seyfried plays Chloe, a high end call girl paid to set up the husband.  Not your typical hooker by any means. There is a heart there but not in that cliched hooker with a heart of gold way either. At one point she says that she tries to find one thing good about everyone that she's with. One thing that makes them special or worthwhile. I think at that instant I identified a lot with Chloe. I look for the good too. If I can find something good or if I can understand on some level why you do bad things, then that is a lot. I try not to rip people apart and disect even though it is so easy to do. I also tell people what I feel. If I love you, you know it. I think sharing the good is as important as the negative stuff. People just need to know what they do right & what matters. We need to know these things & I think we hear them far less then we should.

Why is that? Why is it so hard to share the good when the shit piles come tumbling out like nothing?

Anyway. Chloe.  She totally has that lost little girl thing going on. You get the feeling that she gives to others exactly what she herself needs.

I feel like I walk around all day wearing the strong-woman-shera princess of power-hat when really I just feel like a Chloe & I wonder how many people realize exactly that. Small & insignificant but forever trying to get it all right so that no one around me feels as lousy as me.

Yes I know I'm in a serious funk & I have had the emotional shit kicked out of me to the point that even days later I can taste vomit if I think about things for too long. Food has not been my friend this past month and I just feel deflated. Everything is an effort right now. Feel like that untrusting little lost girl  & I hate it.