Shitty.
That is how I feel. Emotionally just shitty. And before anyone starts with the list of good things I'll beat you to the punch & do it myself:
- M had her eye surgery & it went EXTREMELY well. Her doc was able to anchor the back wall of her eye so it didn't crumble like the other eye. Start to finish it was easier on him and especially on her. She breezed thru, had a big plate of hospital chicken fingers & by 7pm was curled up with Emmy looking at a Justice clothing catalog- albeit patched eye- but still... it went well. Her pressure is up but we expect things to go much better & with less recovery time.
- Em & B are fine. No one is sick. Grades are good. Friends are great.
- Work is as good & as busy as I want it to be. My mood is affecting it for sure but it's fine.
- 2nd bid is in on a great house. It would be damn near perfect & that's all I'm saying for now for fear I jinx it.
- CD & i have reconnected in the last month. Had some SERIOUS conversations & he has explained the hot & cold BS. I went from writing him off to respecting him more than I had before. He backed away from me in order to take care of a serious situation. He had done the right thing.
- Mr. Vodka is still in the loop. Serious talk there too. To quote him, we are good for each other & can help each other. Very true.
******************************************************
Good things, right?
I should be happy about the good & the potential extra good. I know this.
I know it.
I know it.
Instead, somewhere in the last week my normal independent, strong, self-sufficient, I'm-fine-ness went out the window.
I am still alone.
I get a kiss (or ambushed) and an "I love you." from CD every time I see him now. But nothing more. He still isn't stepping outside that safe little box for very long. And we have talked. Because we can really communicate. The connection is years worth of deep. He gets me. Sees thru the tough, capable front. Told me the other day that he sees the fragile little one that needs so much more than she ever admits too.
Bingo.
So now what?
I'm still alone.
Do I believe that he loves me? Yes. I've seen it, heard it, felt it long before he said it. Is he capable of giving me anything that I need? We always end up in the same exact place & I swore I would not do this again. I swore it & yet, here I am. He throws me nuggets with real feelings attached & so I hang on & he freezes. CarrieAnn & I have talked about this a lot. I swear there is something wrong with me. I know better than to be tangled & yet here I am, again. Yesterday was not pretty. I ended up yelling at him, "Just once can you please follow thru on something & give me what I need? Just once can you think about someone other than yourself."
You know what I realized? I am absolutely, positively sure that at that very moment I became his exwife. Wonder how many times he heard that from her.
And, continuing my truly out of character behavior I wanted to go back & somehow fix it! (<--moron) Like I could somehow talk it into being ok & different. I didn't. He needs to sit with it himself. There was a lot of truth in my words & he knew it.
But here I am, still by myself. I am loved & cared for & understood & connected with. But not fully.
So out of character for me. I don't want a man here all the time. I don't want to see anyone every day. I like having my bed to myself without getting elbowed, bounced around or snored onto the couch. I love calling the shots & I love my privacy. I love that it's just the girls & I.
But I need something. Damnit.
I have 3 weddings coming up. Friends that divorced after me that are remarrying seemingly good guys. I'm happy for them. Then I think, what the fukc? When is it my turn? Why do I get the part-timers? The ones who have too much on their plate or loyalty is elsewhere or the lying married guy.
Mr. Vodka is great. Head to toe, inside & out everything I'd be looking for- but he is married to his job. I get fit in somewhere.
Is there not one single, available good guy left for me- only me?
Pathetic, no? I am and I know it. It is what it is.
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Oh, my friend....I simply love you. I could have written every word of this myself, so I can completely relate. Those nuggets blow, and yet I find myself being a stage three clinger to them myself. Sometimes, I think having a part-timer is better than nothing, but then I think that I deserve the full-time, too, except that I would get annoyed with him and want him to go away. Is there no happy median? How about a full timer that lives in a different house? or city? Sigh.
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