Moments.

There have been several *moments* in the last 24 hours that made me stop and just, appreciate it. You know, living it, in that second aware that it matters. Yesterday while transcribing an interview it clicked- I mean really clicked- I come and go from this writing thing. I'll work for a year or 3 then take a break when I burn out but I always circle back. I always will. I may juggle other jobs to keep a roof above our heads and I may think I belong elsewhere but in the end, this is who I really am. First & foremost I'm a writer...a journalist...whatever. It's what I've done for two-thirds of my life and it's just normal.

Em came out of school today completely elated. She got her progress report a month into the second quarter & FINALLY the marks are starting to reflect the student I live with. Math still sucks but everything else was 90 & above-ish. Her Accelerated Reader looks fab. She is already 10 points OVER her goal for the quarter & there are still at least 6 weeks left in the quarter! She is working so hard and slowly but surely she is SEEING that the marks are indeed coming.

Tonite it was nearly dark & B was laying on the front sidewalk with her friend Austin. Side by side, shoulder to shoulder looking up at the dark gray sky talking about the colors of the Christmas lights from that angle. What were they doing? It was easier to catch snowflakes on their tongues that way! DUH.

Last night I had put the kids to bed, washed the makeup off my face & piled my hair onto the top of my head. I went downstairs to make Spanish Rice because I was starving and my doorbell rang. I open it & it is HIM (you know the CRUSH that has been discussed in detail here this year???). We haven't hooked up in maybe a month. I have talked to him 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there but I have honestly been busy. I just figured we're on the same page. Chemistry? Check. Deep emotional connection? Check. Can discuss anything & everything without judgement? Check check. It's bigger than us and neither of us is ready for it in more than small doses. There are those people in your life that you just KNOW once they become a regular fixture, it'll be life-altering. He is one of them. I've made peace with it & I figure we're where we need to be & we'll end up where we are supposed to. I know he loves me and I'm actually really fine with what would frusterate others. But then it's probably because I do LOVE being single. Love time with my girls alone. I love having my big bed to myself.

Anyway, he is standing on my porch holding hot pink dipped roses.

A first.

Why was he here? He missed me. Humble as anything, sweet and just needed a connection. I completely forgot that I was a train wreck the minute he walked in. He took off his coat, grabbed a comfy blanket in the living room and we spent two hours curled up together (NOTHING significant happened aside from a heavy duty makeout session for a change get your mind out of the gutter!). I sat there swaddled having a *moment*. Why do I do this? Hold out for something that moves at a snails pace?

Why?

Because when he is open & honest, when the walls are down no one has loved me more. I know it like I know I have girls. I see it, I feel it. He makes sure that I know how much I matter. Nothing & no one else compares. No one else ever has.

Do I need him here tonite? No. Seriously I don't. I think part of really growing up & being an adult in relationships is understanding that TRUE feelings don't disappear when the other person is out of view.