January Stars

In January I:

<3 Figured out school, applied, was accepted, & funding is now in place for April.

<3 Wrote something every single day. It's about time.

<3 Started running again after taking a month off.

<3 Lost a Dee Dee Dee & reconnected with crushdriver.

I accomplished a few good things. I should feel MUCH better than I do.

Song of the Day: George Winston January Stars..skated by Torvill and Dean

Scared Sh*tless

Creeping up on day 8 of sick kids. Em came home Thursday after throwing up & I kept her home Friday to be safe. Her teacher TOLD ME to do so. It was an early dismissal anyway & we figured give her the weekend & she'll be good for Monday. Last night she spiked a fever & coughed like mad. Today she seemed a bit better but pretty much refused to eat. Still I thought I was seeing improvement. She has been washed out for days (think Edward in Twilight minus the glitter, no wait she always has glitter somewhere...) which scares me. A year ago my Emmy was very sick. We went thru months of testing & being passed around from specialist to specialist before finally they determined it is early Gall Bladder disease. She has since been stabilized & while surgery will be inevitable, holding it off for as long as possible is the goal. She has gained 8 pounds since last spring & went from washed out & fevers daily to full of the energy that a 7 year old should have. Tonite she was sprawled on the couch & my heart just stopped for a second I swear it did. I was looking at the Emmy from last year. Her fever spiked again tonite and she is coughing in her sleep as I type. I know it's probably Bronchitis at this point so we're heading to the doctor's in the morning. Thankfully she can be seen on a Sunday. I know it's the same thing that B had and exactly what Maya (who started coughing finally today) is getting. But relapse with her GB scares the hell out of me. We went thru months of her spiking fevers daily. High ones. A couple times a week the school would call because Em was over 103. I fear anything that could trigger her body & send us back to that.

Just Let Me Clear My Throat

Okay. This is probably not going to sit well with some people but I really could care less. I'm not attempting to insult or criticize anyone, simply would like people to actually think.

Haiti is a disaster. We all know this. I suspect even if you lived under the proverbial rock you would somehow still know it. They need help. They need everything. Some have lost everything that is irreplaceable- loved ones. It is terrible & the media has made sure that everyone knows just how horrid it is. The media has made sure that people know exactly how to donate. Call... text... click here...send...buy the new We Are the World single...

Help is needed & it is great that the US is a country so ready & willing to help. That is one of our stronger points as a nation. We don't just sit back and let others fix things, we...do what we can when we can.

Here's the thing. If you have given to help Haiti are you as quick to help others in our country in need? If you are on the East coast it is a BITTER cold winter. I'm in a city with about 80,000 and there are shelters for the homeless. They don't have enough blankets. They need gloves. The pantries in some of these are filled on a voluntary basis & are empty. Our local news has had several stories about the needs right here. Years ago when you thought homeless you'd picture an old, disheveled guy that reeked of booze. Now it is a thirtysomething that lost his great job & subsequently lost his home & is scrambling to find work without a contact phone number. Now it's a small family that is living on one income due to sickness of the other adult. Banks, landlords, etc. only care so much when you can't pay.

If you've given to Haiti have you also helped your local women's shelter? Several times a week they have women coming into shelter, emergency situations where she has left an abuser for good. We all say women NEED to do this but have you ever actually done anything to help a woman transition? They never leave with more than the clothes on their backs & on their children's backs. They need EVERYTHING & if they don't see that there's help it makes it that much easier to go back to an abuser because he now has all the necessities. Next time you walk into your kids closets, sort out their clothes. Many schools now run on uniform policies. Chances are your kids have stuff that doesn't quite fit right there. Bag it up & drop it off. Women that are displaced have children that NEED to go to school. They NEED uniforms & they need the normal routine while she figures out her next steps. Next time you're in a dollar store, grab a couple extra toothbrushes or toiletries & drop them off. The little things matter so much when you've got nothing.

If you've given to Haiti have you checked on the woman across the street? You know, the one whose husband ditched out & left her holding everything? Of course you do, everyone is talking about it! But have you actually talked to her? Have you offered to watch her baby for an hour while she walks into custody court scared shitless, for the very first time? What she doesn't need is to be carrying a small child to stress her even more.

If you've given to Haiti have you taken a minute to visit the old woman two houses down that has Meals-On-Wheels (food) delivered to her at the same time every day? You know she has food but it's winter, does she have heat?

If you've given to Haiti have you seen someone around you in need and extended a bit of help because you could?

The little things to us are absolutely monumental to someone in need.

Sick Muppets

I have seen a LOT of this over the past week. Day 7 of sick kids here :(

Song of the Day is Edison Gem's Time Stands Still.



LOVE it, they are so soothing. You can find it & more of them right HERE.

I'm Not A Stalker, I'm Just Curious. (By the Way, You're Out of Milk)

My friend M met a guy 2 weeks ago. They have seen each other twice. Nice guy. Cute guy. Decent guy. But no sparks. She just wasn't feeling it at all. Liked him as a friend but knew it was going to stay that way. She is very independent, has a son & is just really busy. She plays no games & was in touch but not leading him on at all. She didn't think she had to spell it out because she thought the friend factor was obvious. He suggested a third date and she hedged, truthfully holding the spot open for her high school sweetheart that has just remerged after 20 years of hiding. She told the dude she wasn't sure what her plan was or if she could get a sitter. His response, "Oh, I see how this relationship is going to go. You'll always be moody, right?"

Relationship?

Um, yeah. No. Just no.

Realizing he was looking at them as an item she really backed off & basically became very unavailable to him while verbally reminding him that they were friends. With two dates. And no chemistry.

So he has started text bombing her, commenting on every FB status she posts. Can't get rid of him. I listened to her whining about the dude & it reminded me of a guy that I saw for about 15 minutes.

Ben described himself as Mr. Wonderful (don't they all?). Smart, good looking, athletic, energetic, loves kids especially his daughters, he's an EMT, doesn't drink (remember that part), looking for someone to love... blah blah blah insert the rainbows, chirping birds & hearts falling from the sky. The first time I really talked to him the positive description didn't jive with the voice. He sounded depressed. After a few conversations I figured he was nice, maybe just not a phone person. First date went ok. Second date Mr. I-Don't-Drink showed up trashed. So trashed that it felt irresponsible to have him drive his ass home. When he campaigned for a third date I refused. That's when Mr. Depressed turned into Mr. Batshit Crazy. We talked at 8pm & I stopped responding to him FOREVER at around 9pm. I was inundated with texts, emails, voicemails in rapid succession. I mean as I read one email 2 more appeared. And those voicemails, each one a bit drunker than the previous. "Ruuuuubbbbbyyyyy. I neez zu. How canu dodis to (long pause) me..." In 24 hours I recieved 43 texts, 50 emails, 4 FB messages, 9 voicemails & a total of 42 phone calls.

I remember at some point doing what I always do when things are reaching new pathetic lows, I started laughing my head off. It became hilarious. I laughed while replaying messages for friends who listened in disbelief. I laughed extra hard while starting a "Ben file" on my computer because, a girl never knows when she might need a restraining order.

Seriously.

Song of the day:



3 days of crazy & then he was gone. Maybe sober & embarassed. Maybe face down in a puddle. Maybe in rehab. My bet is that he latched onto some new poor sucker woman that very quickly ran like the wind.

It's amazing that I can look at any man & even contemplate dating ever.

Signs from Above- or Something or Other

Ever have a situation where you are on the fence about how to handle it & then BAM! The choice is made for you. Just like that.

I decided I was NOT going to be accessible to crushdriver but visual... that might not be a bad idea, right? I contemplated timing my morning run to coincide with his morning- run. Then a bit later when he would hope for a chat I'd be damn sure that I was NOWHERE in sight. At this point he HAS to come to me or nothing will happen because I do NOT chase people in general. Men? Forget it. So I tossed the idea around, got out of bed to find the coolest snow ever! Heh. Ok maybe not coolest ever but it was that wet, big flaked, super slippery stuff that you can't walk on without risking broken bones. I took the kids to school and just in case I was a total Dee Dee Dee and thinking about running, my phone rang. Back up, the kids have to be to school for 8:20 okay? My phone rings at 9:12, "Hi, this is Melissa...the nurse from...(insert school) is this Emmy's mom? Okay well Emmy just THREW UP IN CLASS can you come get her?"

Can I come get her? Like, they were giving me an option???? What if I said no?!

I zoom to get her, find her flat out in the medical room. In the hour since I'd left her she had transformed into a very sick kid. OMG she looked like hell. I talked to her teacher this afternoon when getting B & her teacher said they were having a Spelling Bee. Usually Em is bubbly & loves them. Today her teacher called on her, Em stared blindly before putting her head on her desk! Then she picked her head up & asked to go to put a cold cloth on her face. Em said the room was spinning while she got sick right at her desk. Poor kid. She spent her day cuddled up on the couch with the remote & library books. She reads chapter books now, a few a week. My sister called me tonite from Target & I was thrilled because she grabbed more Junie B books for Emmy.


So yeah, I went nowhere aside from my 3 trips to school and back. As of now, tomorrow isn't looking much more promising.

I'm stressed. Really, really stressed. A week straight of sick kids, less earned income, I feel kinda crappy & on the verge of sick. Really stressed.

Song of the day? One from the mid-80's that I loved :)

Time Tested Beauty Tips ~~(Sam Levenson )

For attractive lips,
Speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise,
Walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things,
have to be restored, renewed,
revived, reclaimed, and redeemed;
Never throw out anybody.

Remember,
If you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older,
you will discover
that you have two hands,
one for helping yourself,
the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman
is not in the clothes she wears,

The figure that she carries,
or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman
must be seen from in her eyes,
because that is the doorway to her heart,
the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman
is not in a facial mole,
but true beauty in a woman
is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
the passion that she shows,
And the beauty of a woman
with passing years-only grows!

Song of the Day

Alice...By Sephora

Alice In Wonderland Book of Shadows. Thank Sephora :)

CrushDriver Chronicles

Saw him today, briefly. This after a voice mail message asking me to catch up with him today, if I could. So I did. I only had a few minutes so I figured I'd grab the usually empty bus for a few blocks & see what he had to say. Me? I'm fine. We feel similar. If it goes somewhere ok & if not then its still not the time. That is truly how I feel. Together or not this man will weave in and out of my everyday life until the timing is right. I suspect. Anyway, I hop on the bus to see a lady was there. Fifty something but looked older, chumy with him. She had brought him lunch, whatever. I know they get friendly with regulars so its not a shock. He & I spoke in code for the first few minutes. Are you thinking about IT (meaning last week)? Hell yes, nonstop, are you? Yep so now what?... The woman, looked at me, at him, at me and just watched. We stopped at the Community house/park as he is supposed to wait for a few. She informs us she needs a smoke & asks if he cares if she goes outside for one. "By all means! Go have a cigarette! (To me) You, get back here." as he motions to the back of the bus. He carts his lunch as I follow. We both sit in the very backm he leans over & gives me a brief kiss & points out that SHE can't see in the windows. He cracks open his food, a pile of chicken, mashed potatos, gravy mush and tells me the ball is in MY court! Um, no. I informed him that he needs to decide where his brain is & then he needs to be brave & a bit aggressive. THEN it's in my court. Until then it's still in it's wrapper. Bottom line, he is scared still. I told him that I know & I also know that he is afraid because the more time he spends with me the more he would want to & THAT is what really scares him. He thought about it & searched for a response. Like, he searched on the roof of the bus, on the floor, looked everywhere before telling me that I'm too damn smart. At this point smoking lady gets on the bus & we both come to the front of the bus. As I go to sit down she says to me (while motioning frantically at him) "We're just friends! He & I! We're just friends. If he's having lunch sometimes & I see him I join him but there's nothing more than that going on you need to know!" I look at her in utter shock and smiled in amusement. "Oh, okay! Lunch smelled great!" She thought we were a couple! She picked up on the change in him I'm sure because she knows him as a friend of sorts. He was louder with her, kind as ever to me. I'm guessing the chemistry must have really hung in the air for her to assume things because I have NEVER seen her before. As we drove a few minutes to where I'd get off the conversation went like this:

Him: Where are the girls, school?

Me: Yes.

Him: How long?

Me: 2:30. Do you have overtime today?

Him: Nope.

SHE INTERJECTS!: They called him when I first got on & he turned it down!

Me laughing: Ok. My night is pretty boring. Kids, homework, they're in bed by 7:30.

Him: Cool. Thanks for telling me about the kids today.

Hmmmm. Will he get his nerve?

Thoughts???