Inner Peace

Every week Alicia posts a topic for the Group Blogging Experience & tons of us roll with it. This weeks' topic is Inner Peace.

Inner peace. Sometimes it feels as elusive as a white elephant. Chasing the impossible. You feel calm and like you can actually just be for awhile when BAM life drops another anvil on your head. It always happens and as long as we are all human, expect those anvils to keep falling from the sky. It's not supposed to be easy we just want it to be. I know I do. I want to coast on a rainbow and love every second of every day but damn the negative things that always seem to get in my way.

It took me until I was well into my 30's to really get that life is supposed to be filled with pot holes & that those would be more common than smooth patches. I also realized something amazing once I stopped being so fixated on the bad: There is ALWAYS good. Always. It is easy to be tangled in drama, crap, stress & bull shit. It is easy not to allow all the bits of good in every day to have equal importance. There's calm in the good. There is a sense of peace that accompanies the positivity. I just needed to be willing to see it. I then had to be open to continue seeing it.

I also went on a mission to cut out as much drama from my life as possible. I took control of what I could and made it a personal rule never to say anything behind someones back that I won't say to their face. I'm at peace knowing that my words won't really come back to bite me too badly & that my friends know that this is how I live.

Remember when you were 18 and you were pretty sure you'd know what your life would look like in 10 years? It's almost like we're conditioned to have built in expectations for what our lives will look like and very often they just don't. I've known a lot of women that had their marriage, first & second children mapped out years in advance only to not have those things in the designated time.

What happened to living in the present? Doing the very best that you can do, living the most productive and healthy life possible and seeing the good in that? Why does being healthy and having a good job and good friends amount to nothing if you aren't as married by 28 as you thought you'd be?

I ditched a lot of my silly expectations and started making a mental list of what I have instead accomplished. Seeing my life realistically has brought me peace even when the waters are choppy. There are always options to make things better. There are usually happy kids. Friends are always a phone call away. I should feel a sense of peace by now. It's a journey and one that I've been on for a long time. I should see enough good to be able to laugh in spite of the bad. I should live in and enjoy the present because it brings comfort at least part of the time. Comfort that I've earned. Peace that I need because even a small dose carries me far.

The Thaw

About a year ago, almost to the day my mother & I pretty much stopped talking- again. I say again because it has been a theme throughout my entire adult life. She's around for a little while & then a cult church cult elder pulls her aside & lambastes her for associating with me. Like, 18 years into my NOT WANTING TO BE A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS they still tell her that if she shuns me, eventually I'll come running back & embrace the- teachings. So my adult life has seen her float in & out. She pulled an "I can't talk to you." on me 6 weeks before I had Emmy & that led to her not meeting Em until a week before her first birthday. She has missed a lot because of them.

Back to the point. A year ago we were at a back to school lunch for the kids & she was as always admonishing me to hurry back to a Kingdom Hall because "Things are REALLY bad now. The end is REALLY REALLY close now..." I told her that even if I ever set foot in the place again there were still things that I would never ever do because I think they are simply, morally wrong. She asked for an example & so I gave one. She pushed for it, so I picked one. I told her that I think it is very wrong to use children to peddle Watchtowers. To have a 3 year old ring the doorbell & to open a door & find an itty bitty kid on your porch holding an Awake is just wrong. It is manipulative as hell. These kids don't know what they're doing. People won't be rude to a child & thats why they do it. It's to "place" another magazine because believe me, they cOUNT every book and magazine they unload each month. They have to turn in their "time" at the end of the month which is a rundown of how many hours they spent preaching, what literature they unloaded & how many people they TALKED to. I told her that once the homeowner shuts the door their reaction is quite different. They are often pissed to see children so blatantly used to further the teachings of a religious group. My kids would never ever be allowed to do such a thing. Ever.

I stated my beliefs & because it didn't jive with hers, I was disrespectful.

No really. I disrespected her by believing something other than what she does. So much so that she was angry and waiting for an apology.

Back up, she wanted me to apologize for stating with logic & detail something I believe (or don't) in. Well that wasn't going to happen. In my mind apologizing means compromising my beliefs or saying that they somehow are LESS valid than hers.

Uh-huh. No. At first I didn't even realize this was going on. My sister told me she was mad and my reaction was confusion, I had no idea why!

So now fast forward to the end of last month because from last August up until the end of last month I don't think I spoke to her at all. Seriously. No wait- she came to the kids graduations in June! My mistake anyway...My parents anniversary was last month & so the kids made cards & stuff for them. She called to say thank you & we talked for awhile. A few days later she called on a whim to see if she could take the kids for a few hours. She lives 3 blocks away and rarely sees them at all. If she wants them my feeling is that I'm not rearranging scheduled plans but if they're available of course she can see them. She calls 20 minutes before arriving usually so its a crapshoot- for her. But I figure as long as they get that they don't see her a lot but that once in a while they can spend time, it's cool. She's not an every day grandma & they know that & jump at a chance to see her anyway.

Today she called again to see if she could take Emmy. We had nothing going on & I knew Em would be thrilled. Her plan is to take each of them alone before they go back to school in 16 days- yes I AM counting. Instead of waiting in the car she rang the doorbell & came in for the first time in a year. She met the dog, met the kitten, saw the renovations & acted like she's never been gone.

She came as close to apologizing to me as it would ever, ever get. She is never wrong so apologies are far & few between with her. She did not say the word sorry but then, she wouldn't. I did tell her that I was sorry for anything that I said that she took as disrespectful because it hadn't been my intent. That's the best I could do. My beliefs are my beliefs end of story. But it was just bizarre. What caused the thaw? I assume it is because she knows that my other sister will be watching B 4 days a week for me when school starts. Kiki is always here, my other sister will be here, she probably realized she is fast becoming out of the loop.

I've always said you look for the good in situations & just leave the bad fall to the side. Sounds so easy & yet it is one of the toughest things to do. It took me a long time to look past all the shit & judgement & criticism. It took me half an adult life to accept, like REALLY accept that I will NEVER be good enough by her standards as long as I'm not sitting in a Kingdom Hall. I could lead an exemplary life and it amounts to nothing because of her beliefs. It took trial & error...thinking, well, maybe this time-maybe now-maybe if I... scenarios galore before I finally made real peace with things. I am me & this is it. This is what you get, someone true to themself. Someone that won't change because a group of people think they should. Someone that most days is very comfortable in their own skin.

So today I really can just take the good. She wants to spend time with her grandkids. She's not in shun mode or she'd never have set foot in my house. She actually sort of apologized. Then I can leave all the rest of the shit fall to the side, for real.

Thinking of Ghosts

Half a lifetime ago I was a real mess. I'd spent like 12 years being raised in what amounts to a cult. One day in middle school my mother decided I shouldn't have "worldly" friends anymore, meaning if you didn't sit in a Kingdom Hall I'd ONLY see you at school. I HAD to spent 6 hours a week at church or meetings as they call them. I had to spend my Saturday mornings ringing doorbells praying all the while that no one would answer the door. I watched my mother have her ministers come to exorcise demons from our haunted home. I fought & snuck around for every inch of freedom that I had. I worked a lot for a teenager because it was an OUT. Plus I needed money because she kept throwing out my cassette's & clothes so I was forever replacing & rehiding my stuff. I like to have control by nature so by the time I was in my late teens an eating disorder popped up and I was THRILLED. I could piss her off & it was something mom could NOT control. I was too young to climb out from under her thumb and too insecure to take real control over my life so I became textbook. I controlled eating, or not.

My mother never ever got & to this day does not. She is so wrapped in her religion that she can't possibly entertain the bad side. She is programmed, 30 years now worth of programmed never to see any of it is bad. It was my problem period. I was screwed up period. So off to a therapist I went when I was 20. I don't think at the time I actually liked the guy but he was a comfort. He was my parents age, nonjudgemental, soft spoken & had kids slightly younger than me. He was kind of like proof that not all parents parented as fucked up as mine. I was relieved to see that & resented him for it as well. How dare other people not screw up their kids. How dare other parents be supportive.

He didn't help my issues but other ones were surfacing & I was having lots of nitemares. He had given me a hotline number to call for a women's center if I woke & was a total mess. Probably the best hands on thing that he did because they actually guided me towards getting better for real.

I've always been a numbers person. If you have a phone I'll find your number & that was back before Googling & the internet made it easy. My best friends mom changed their number & she was going to call me after school to give me the new one. I literally picked up the phone & dialed 2 random numbers, the second was her new phone number. I didn't know it yet & actually I had no idea what I'd even dialed, but I found her. I've done things like that a lot. So I had the therapists home number. Never used it, never ever would call it on purpose but it was ingrained in my brain.

I woke one night hyperventilating & picked up the phone. I misdialed & the lady on the other end said to me,

"Oh honey. I am so so sorry but you have the wrong number."

Total kindness with a tinge of angst in her voice. She wanted to help but I had misdialed.

In the middle of my next session I mentioned this scenario as, yet another thing I can't do right- I can't even call a helpline damn it! His expression was priceless. I told him about the lady on the other end & how truly kind she had seemed. I'd wished she had answered at the right number.

I walked out of that office & it clicked, I had called HIS HOUSE at midnite & I was talking to his wife. He knew it the minute I said it & tried to cover his reaction.

His wife was also a therapist. She was involved with so many organizations & worked for Visiting Nurses for a long time. If there was a cause or a way to help someone in pain, she was involved. I knew that much about her

In 18 years I've made a million other phone calls but that one has always stayed with me. Yesterday I was googling the local marathon that I intend to run in October. I was looking at results from previous years & there was her name from about 10 years ago. On a whim I googled her interested in her running & instead I pulled up her obituary from TWO WEEKS AGO. She died of lung cancer while on vacation at the beach the same week I was away. She was only 58, my mother's age now. It has eaten at me since yesterday. I've contemplated leaving a message in the guest book for the obit because at midnight 18 years ago she impacted me. She was a calm, kind lifeline. A ghost that has always stayed with me, impacted me & I've felt a great deal of gratitude to her for half of my life. If she had just hung up on me I might have done something really stupid. Instead her kindness set an example and proves to me how we can impact complete strangers without even knowing it.

Things I Hate

Fighting little girls because when fighting they are no longer little princesses but red-eyed, head spinning...

- Momma cats that think they should take their 2 week old babies on a field trip overnite, from their crate to the back of my upstairs closet.

- The fukctarded Dope De Dope puppy that is actually much, much better than before. I mean she can lay on my flipflop without eating it! That is huge. Unfortunately she is now crapping in one spot on the new carpet. She's not ALL dumb because she drops it in the small spot where it BLENDS IN!

- Dudes that wear "shorts" that stop 2 inches above their ankles that are covered by crew socks. WTF is the point?

- Men that are ALL talk. Men who talk the talk usually can never follow thru.

- Old ladies with piss colored teased up hair & coral lipstick that actually believe it is their right to comment on my parenting. It was too cold to have my kids out without coats today. What was I thinking, it was only 76 sunny degrees??

- Loser, criminal family members related ONLY thru marriage that opted to give MY PHONE NUMBER to their creditors as a contact for them! I've met these idiots once and somehow they've obtained my unlisted home phone & used it. What. The. Hell.

- Being hit on by every dirtbag in my path but not bumping into thecrush(tm) even for a sec.

- Waiting in line for 15 minutes at Starbucks only to get the RARE coffee from there that tastes like dirt.

- My Mexican neighbor that must have found love recently. He usually saves his live Spanish guitar backporch concert for Saturday afternoons. Now once the sun goes down there he is, dude friend sitting opposite him:

Plink plink plink. PLINK PLINK PLINK. Plink plink plink." Insert a Spanish yodel in between the plinks.

- How I can walk fine in sneakers but am limping like a total gimp in flip flops.

- Myspazzles totally jacked blog & comment mess this week!

Don't worry, I'm sure I have more coming. In the meantime, what are you hating today??

Elmo Left But Spongebob Remains

Bridget & I were having a conversation yesterday while walking down the street. We went to cross at an intersection & I reminded her to be careful. She mentioned that we don't want to be "crushed" by a car. I think it's kind of ingenius that while the rest of us avoid being "hit" by cars my 5 year old actually grasps the weight of a car and sees it as something that can crush us. Anyway, the question of the day from my non-Elmo-loving baby:

"If a car crushes us does that mean we'll be flat?

Me: "Flat??"

Bridget- "You know, will it make us flat like Spongebob??"

Good to know we haven't gone cold turkey on the kid stuff.

Another Brick Chipped from the Wall

I've discussed my semi-whacked family here on a few occassions. My mom converted into a full blown bible pummeling Jehovah's Witness when I was 9 and her religion pretty much wrecked any & all chance for me to have a "normal" upbringing. That sounded bitter didn't it? Actually, I'm not at all. It totally shaped who I am as an adult & more importantly it helped me to see exactly what I did not want to become. I try HARD not to judge. I don't ridicule. I'm very tolerant and you can live however you please as long as it doesn't directly affect mine or my childrens lives in a negative way. I'm sarcastic as hell but those who know me, know that I'm usually joking. I will say what I think & I'll often say that thing that you're also thinking but dare not say, but I do it tactfully. People walk away & 5 minutes later realize the actual content of my statement. I don't hide & I don't hide behind supposed ideas of what my family thinks I should believe. I am who I am & you can take it or toss it. You know what you're going to get from me is honest & it is real. I'll never say anything behind your back that I wouldn't say to your face. These things have served me very well. According to my mother this approach to life is BAAADDD. Mainly because I don't sit in a Kingdom Hall 6 hours a week & because you won't find me ringing your doorbell, Watchtower in hand at 10am on a Saturday morning. Whatever. I've made real peace with this situation. My family lives 3 blocks away and I'm kind of a "bad influence" so we rarely speak with the exception of the infamous Kiki. You guys know she is the sister that jumped religious ship a year ago and now shares a brain with me. If she's not here she's on the other end of my phone.

We have a younger sister that seemed until recently to be wrapped around moms finger. It was scary for awhile, she was saying things at 20 that my mom would say at 50+. Direct statements out of their religious literature. And then, something happened. No idea what but suddenly, she seems to be waking up. The true test kind of came today. Up until now she has been in my mother's boat, thinking I'm something to mostly avoid. Is that hurtful? No, not really. She's young & wanted to please mom. I get it. It's ok. Today I was looking at the kids school schedule & it is a clusterfuck. 8:20am school starts. B is out at 11am, the other two are out at 2:25. B gets miserable if she is run around too much. She is little still & I'm seeing the 2:25 pick up as a nitemare, especially on bus days. The school won't bus them because I REQUESTED a biundary exception. I CHOSE to send them to a school further than necessary. Fair enough. My other sister is home during the day & I wondered if she'd be willing to watch B in the afternoons for me. If she was feeling religious it would be a no, plus my mom will so NOT be happy. In her mind it is bad enough that Kiki spends so much time with "that one down the street" (that'd be me), having my other sister at my house...oh god no.

Kiki ran the scenario by our other sister today and she actually readily agreed to watch B. My life just got considerably easier & B is excited to get time with her other aunt.

Maybe more importantly, she is climbing out from beneath the strongarm of what amounts to a cult. There is hope. While mom is a lost cause there is a good chance that the three of us can eventually pull together a mostly sane family. 3 sisters...their kids...their kids significant others...their grandkids...

There's hope.

Elmo Doesn't Live Here Anymore

My baby is so not a baby anymore. I mean, I've known this for a long time obviously. I've spent the last year listening to B "want to be a big girl" and playing like one but here's the thing, she'd always revert back just a bit. She'd go to school like a big girl but then come home & curl up under her Elmo blanket, to watch Elmo. There is no greater love than that shared between B & Elmo. Or there was no greater love. Elmo no longer matters.

Yesterday while looking at backpacks she was campaigning HEAVILY for a High School Musical bag. I refused not because I've banned all things HSM related, but because she's the baby. My baby can't possibly walk out the door with "Troyd" strapped to her back.

Can she?

B is going into kindergarten, the grade Emmy has just graduated so I thought hard. I thought about how big Emmy looked to me all last year & how big all of her friends seemed to. I thought about how it really was a world of HSM, Hannah Montana & Barbie. Disney Princesses seem reserved for PreK girls now.

Kindergarten. Home to slumber parties, birthday parties, movie dates, etc.

This is where my baby is now going. She is officially a big girl.

We comprimised & she left the store with a Hannah Montana backpack. I can't stand Hannah but B loves her solely based on the singing aspect. Singing Hannah has replaced singing Elmo in B's heart.

At least Hannah is a better example than that Miley chick, right?

What Has Been Lost?

Every week Alicia posts a topic & myriad's of people take & blog it. You can find more HERE.

This week's topic:

WHAT HAS BEEN LOST?

I could go ridiculously deep with this one but quite honestly, I have no desire. I've done it to death already. The topic really does fit exactly how I'm feeling today though, just in a bit of a different way.

I'm generally all for structure & schedules when it comes to the kids. Always have been a real stickler since babyhood because smart moms know, schedules WORK. Conditioning kids helps them to find a groove, not just you. Coming off of the overscheduled school year I decided to just let the kids sort of "be" this summer. I debated & made calls about a few different activities & sort of just let it all float to the side. Let them play. Let them rest. Let them set there own pace. Let them stay up late. Let them sleep late. Let them be. It is only for two months & then we'll return to 3 trips a day to drop off/pick up at school & dance lessons & god knows what else.

This plan has ultimately worked, I think. I can say for certain that they have had a really good summer & I know with equal certainty that if asked, they'd readily agree. Mission accomplished & I'm happy about that. But, we are all dead from it. The kids are OVER it & need structure desperately. This week I really see it as they are fighting nonstop. Usually they are the kids that if I take them out with me alone in public, they're angels. Not now. I took them this morning to look for (as in NOT find) shoes & backpacks. Found the backpacks but it was a full session in hell for me, maybe even them. Constant bickering, a few shoving matches & two out of three actually got smacked by a sister. Whose kids are these?

It proves me general belief in structure & scheduling has been right on the money.

So they're ready to go back to school. I realized this morning that I'm feeling like somewhere in the last two months I've really kind of lost myself, again. I say again because any mother will tell you that if you don't make yourself a priority there comes a point when you don't recognize yourself. It's a recurring theme after having kids & the best thing you can do is to take good care of yourself & be self aware on a daily basis.

But here I am, a bit lost. We were out this morning & the time frame followed my normal morning school schedule. I grabbed coffee at the same Starbucks as always, at my normal time. Ran into a bunch of familiar faces & thought, I MISS THIS. I need my normalcy back again. I need those 5 minute conversations here & there in between the school hustle in the morning. I need to begin to rebuild my days, around theirs again. I'm lonely. How insane is that? Rarely alone, but lonely. I've traded in daily face to face adult interactions for nonstop chats with kids under the age of 8 & after 2 months my brain feels like mush. I miss Miss Maribeth Emmy's former & B's now teacher that I talked to daily. I miss the other school moms even though I talk to a few still. I miss the regular coffee barista & I miss various other people that for 10 months will pop up daily & make my life feel normal & routine. Routines bring me comfort. I think I'm really noticing it because after 3 back to back babies I spent years having to focus on babies while out. Now I have finally flipped the page & CAN interact with adults while watching big girls.

I feel panicky this morning because I realize how much I NEED to go back to normal.In 3 short weeks everythin g resumes, they'll strap on their Mary Janes & uniforms and head back, I'll be starting school myself & I'll be cramming my marathon training into early, EARLY mornings whenever possible.

All will be right in my little world then but for now, I feel LOST.

Passing Thoughts While Painting

Hi there. I love coffee. I hate mushrooms and beans. I am better at arguing than you. You are better at cleaning out the fridge than me. I think LL Cool J videos are the perverbial bomb. I sing, badly. I am a sarcastic fuck. Fat girls asses in bikinis look like a hundred pounds of chewed bubble gum. I'd rather try to get smoke inside of a glass bottle using a baseball bat than listen to someone complain. I wish I was a pole dancer just so I could say "I'm a stripper" when asked what I do for a living, then step back and watch the inevitable bad reaction. I believe in treating people how you want to be treated. I brush my teeth with hot water. I am a sucker for reality tv. Going to church doesn't make you any more a Christian than going to the garage makes you a car. I am busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. Materialistic people crack me up, because they actually think they are happy. Thinking that we are the only ones in the universe makes you nuttier than a squirrel terd. American Psycho and Silence of the Lambs should be in the comedy section of Blockbuster right next to Starship Troopers & all The Mummy movies. . I have to watch TV with the remote in my hand, or else I feel like I'm swimming with one flipper on. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. Pop Up Video should NOT have been canceled. Saying "thank you" and "please" is extremely important. I pretty much live for music and humor. Those dating phone service commercials on late at night always feature fugly chicks from 1987. If you let your friends drive drunk, you have no soul. I think shit-talking on the internet is about as useful as trying to kill an elephant by throwing a tic tac at it. I love people watching at bars. People look funny when they're mad. I WILL beat you at your own game. The fact that Bill Paxton was killed by an Alien, the Predator, AND the Terminator should AUTOMATICALLY qualify him for an academy award. Holidays are over-rated. Dave Chappelle is a viable GENIUS. I love the beach. I'd like to watch Gary Busey and Rosie O'donnell grind each other on a dance floor to a Billy Ocean tribute band. I love Vanilla everything. Laughter can cure more than you think. Fast food is so bad for you, but sooooo good. Spell check is one of the best inventions next to the wheel. . Paul Walker is about as good of an actor as Keanu Reeves. I wish I could use the Jedi mind trick on people. I think humans should fling poo at each other like monkeys do when they get angry. The "25 year old balding/comb over jacuzzi mcdougal", and the "Drunk white girl who can't dance" are the best people to stare at while at a club. Money doesn't impress me. When I say I'm home alone I usually mean that it's just me...with the 3 kids, 5 cats & dog.

I'll Give You Something Different

Because if you know me at all obvious answers are easy.

Nine ways to win my heart...

- Be nice to me, it's really that simple.

- Make me think. Challenge the things that I think I already am sure I believe.

- If I am wrong about something clue me in without making me feel like a total dumbass.

- Cater to my love of coffee.

- Understand that you'll likely never come first but that doesn't mean that you won't be well cared for.

- Let me watch you & realize that you treat everyone as kindly as you do me.

- Venting is allowed, chronic negativity is not.

- Act like a grown up that is comfortable in their skin & knows exactly what they want.

- If you can make me laugh when things are REALLY bad, well then you're worth your weight in gold.

Eight things I want to do before I die...

- Raise three kids that graduate school & begin good adult lives before making me a grandmother.

- Um yeah, the grandmother thing.

- Run that friggin marathon.

- Spend more than a week straight lounging on a beach. Maybe rent a house for a summer. Maybe move closer to the beach.

- Travel. London, the south of France, Ireland here I come.

- Grow old with the love of my life.

- To do enough good that leaves me actually feeling like I HAVE done good & been a good person.

- Dance! Ding da ding ding ding.

Seven ways to annoy me...

- Be two-faced

- Talk to me as if you're dealing with a child

- Lie to me, get caught & still try & make excuses

- Treat others with complete disrespect right in front of me.

- Constantly see your glass as only an inch full

- Incessant bitching. Really, no matter how bad you think it is, it's NOT THAT BAD.

- Self Absorption is just so damn annoying. Get over yourself.

Six things I believe in...

- Karma.

- The power of kindness.

- Karma.

- A good cup of coffee can make most anything a little better.

- Karma.

- Pay It Forward.

Five things I am afraid of...


- Spiders

- Outliving my kids

- Not setting a good enough example

- Finding one centipede because I know they travel in twos

- Standing in my own way

Four of my favorite things...


- B blowing me kisses

- Kittens on my lap

- Bunny slippers

- peanut butter ice cream

Three things I do everyday...


- Listen to my ipod

- Log in to Myspace

- Read- something, anything.

Two things I want to do right now..


- Work out

- Click my heels and have a clean house

One person I want to see right now...


- CrushCrushCrush