Not Oblivious, I Just Pretend To Be

It's funny. The other day when I mentioned how different I see my life in even a year I got a bunch of questions in my mail. I sit here & some days I semi coast thru, other days I want to friggin kill someone but in the end, I know what's up. I've always known my bottom line.

I have three kids to raise. Three kids that need an education & I'm a realist. They are not brilliant- ok maybe one dances on the edge of brilliance- so I'm not going to have three college scholarships presented to my girls in another decade-ish. That's unrealistic. I've always, always known that I would need to become a decent breadwinner once the littlest one was in school. Funny how you watch a grown man for 12 years and you realize that he is just NOT going to ever get it together fully. If I were "dad" to these kids & I worked in sales my ass would have been back in night school like 5 years ago. By now I'd be looking for if not already having a solid career. The ducks would have been in a very straight row but then, that's just how I am. He never has done that, never will do that & so I've felt probably since having Emmy, like this is another responsibility left in my hands.

The fact that he has ALWAYS liked to throw the topic of money in my face has only propelled my NEED to earn more than him.

That said, I'm going to go thru flight attendant training next summer one way or another. It is supposedly hellish. 3 weeks pretty much straight you eat/sleep/drink procedure & safety stuff. They say it's like learning another language in record time & it will definetly not be here. If I got into Delta's program I'd train in Austin for example. I want & need to do this & I've felt that the soonest I can leave especially B is next summer. I wanted to go this year but her seperation anxiety made me decide to wait. As for actually working I'm able & willing to work all of the less popular shifts anyway because I'd want to be with the girls during school hours as much as possible.

I've also decided that within the next 3 years I want to buy a house. ME. A home for the girls and I. If I knew I could pull that off then I'd be ok with sitting right here for the next few years if necessary.

I see myself alone with the kids most definetly. I usually am anyway & I've come to realize that I prefer just my company to that of shitty company for the sake of having a set of eyes to glare into. I see myself as someone that will find my version of the love of my life, later on in life. My brain tells me that if I just get these kids settled, on track & out the door to college before making me a grandmother then I'll be rewarded.

My bottom line. I can wait another 12 months to go & train for a job I REALLY want if I know it'll happen. It just gives me more time to dot my i's.

I can wait to find that great house because I don't need to rush things at all. It will be in front of me when I'm ready for it.

I'll be in my late 40's when all of my kids are almost out of high school. That gives me 20ish years with someone, still.

Here But Kinda Not

I've been going to write for days. What exactly, have I been going to say? Oh who knows. Lots of different things that have no real connection to one another.

I could tell you how in the last few weeks this nifty internet thing has reconnected me with several people I haven't had contact with in years.

I could discuss my hair dilemma- to cut or not to cut. I'm pretty sure it's not going anywhere, yet. But I loathe humidity hair.

I could tell you ALL about how J's roomate in Memphis stole J's rental car, went to jail, was bailed out & then rearrested because he had a cokestash in THEIR hotel room. I could also tell you about how J gets on a plane late tomorrow with no drivers license because the roomate stole that as well. I could venture into my "Keep your godamn drama THERE, do not bring it into my house" speech. I could tell you that I have crazy amounts of peace when he is gone & the return is usually an instant whiplash of drama. So ahead of time I'm doing the math...home Weds. leaves for Pittsburgh Sunday...okay I can handle that...

I could tell you about the brand new itouch that he bought for me before leaving last week & how quickly I uploaded 700 music files & 1500 photos to it. With a smile.

I could tell you that I'm insanely plotting a princess pajama party for later in July. I know this will also kick J's ass into gear. He keeps threatening to redo the living room only to procrastinate. The way I see it by July 25th I'll have a house of screeching happy girls, a crew of of martinied up moms, PLEASE GOD NO MORE KITTENS and a new living room to be grateful for.

I could tell you that I'm looking for another home for us, closer to the school. Another of those take matters into my own hands things. It'll take months probably to pin down a place but if I can have us closer to the school by November even...I'll be thrilled.

I could tell you that I'm counting the 28 days until I get to the beach. I can smell the water, feel the sun and need to run on the boardwalk early in the morning.

I could tell you I'm prepping for those runs by running 25 minutes a day now overday hoping to build up stamina by months end.

I could tell you that a year from now I see my life quite a bit different than it is right now and I like that.

To Board or not to Board

So, for over a week now J KNEW he would be working in Mississippi this week. It was "positive" at the beginning of last week. By the end of last week he was suddenly not so positive & might, maybe work near Philly again this week. All the while though he was adament about going to Mississippi in the end. By Friday I heard that he was driving up to a coworkers in NY on Sunday & then they'd drive down to NYC for early Monday morning & fly out together. Then that wasn't going to work so he had to get himself to Laguardia instead. I suggeested flying straight out from here because by the time he drove 2 hours & parked his car for a week it might be worth the extra cost to just leave from here. Close to 200 bucks for him to park plus gas...

Then on Sunday it looked like he might DRIVE with another guy...18 hour drive... That turned into a clusterfuck & wasn't going to happen either. Mind you J was here from Saturday night thru late Sunday connected to his friggin phone the whole time wasting family time in order to figure out "where the hell I need to be, when & how"

I get it, totally. He HAD to sort it out but in the back of my itty bitty head I'm wondering WHY he let it all wait til the last second. Why doesn't he HAVE a plane ticket & all HIS ducks in a row? You know if everyone around you is a scatterbrain why are you waiting for those people to basically call the shots, make up your mind, committ & breathe already.

LATE Sunday night he came in & by that time I didn't even ask the plan. I woke Monday morning & quite literally asked if he had work because at that point who knew! He said he had to be to Laguardia for 12:30. It's 7:30am & he is barely moving. I'm thinking WTF? 12:30 means 10:30 & you have at LEAST a 2.5 ride into the city given the morning commute.

He leaves at 8:30 and still has to go to the bank. He had just finished packing too. Ducks so not in a row. Needless to say, dude did NOT make that plane nor did he try! By 10:30 he was here on the computer staring blankle at flights to Memphis which is the closest airport to where he needs to be. I'll make what transpired over the next few hours short but I finally came to the conclusion that he is CHICKENSHIT to fly alone. There were 3 ALMOST runs to the airport before he finally went only to claim the intended flight was overbooked LMAO. Now, it could have been because in between dying of laughter at his expense though not to his face I was on Wilkes Barre Scranton's International Airport site & he goes from here to Detroit then to Memphis. Detroit flights were delayed until the time of his intended flight so it could have been overbooked.

Going back to yesterday morning he was never getting on that plane at Laguardia. The man I know would have been packed & schizing about being out the door with time to spare.

And he would have set his alarm!

Where is he now? I just talked to him, he is boarding his flight I pray in about 5 minutes, should hit Detroit by 7pm & land in Memphis for 9ish.

I hope.

Because after the drama of just watching him I need to be alone for probably the next week, LOL.

7 Things

Okay so Ted at BSYTYCD tagged me. Here goes...


- Link to the blog who tagged you (above)
- Post the rules on your blog
- Share seven random and/or weird things about yourself.
- Tag seven people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
- Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.



- I have completely neglected this blog because I've been busy devoting extra energy to Shimmy.

- I like BAD reality shows way too much. Rock of Love for example. I like Daisy with her fish lips & circus boobs. Kristy Jo makes me want to throw things at the tv which is precisely why she remains in that house. Bring on the booze fueled fights, bleached out extensions & barely there tops that leave inplant scars in clear view. Sad, I know...

- My perfect day would involve Starbucks, a bookstore, my ipod & not a single person to interact with. Some days people are just too damn much work.

- I might as well be a kitten breeder because I have TWO sets of kittens downstairs born a week apart living with their mothers in a Tinker Bell Fairy Tent. No lie.

- I love winter but at this point I'm so over it. I want shorts, little dresses, flip flops and to run the boardwalk at 6am in complete bliss.

- Since I ask it all the time, what is on MY ipod. (laptop, or the stereo included) Common, Step Up 2 soundtrack, Omarion, Luda, Flyleaf, Shiny Toy Guns, She Wants Revenge, Anything with Timbaland, Flo Rida, Led Zep, GNR, Piazzola tangos, Linkin Park, Ratt, Nelly Furtado, Madonna, old skool rap, Placebo, Depeche Mode...

- My chocolate lab puppy Lucy has eaten one of every pair of shoes that I own & I suspect she will NEVER be trained. Ever

I Heart Target

Because they cracked out a PLETHORA of Valentine's Day stuff, including knee sox


Happy Happy.

What else is happening? Oh yes, since several of you guys asked, I didn't have to clock Maya for the cat throwing incident because after B finished bleeding all over the sleeves of her fav High School Musical shirt she totally "brained" her.

Again. Who throws a cat???

Speaking of cats, no kittens yet but poor momma cat is miserable & in obvious pain today. She chose to sleep on the bathroom floor during three kids baths & my shower this morning. It was a water park & the CAT stayed in the room. Any hour now I'd say.

I had stuff to write about & as usual now that I'm here I totally forget most of it. I nixxed the kids V-Day party because it's going to creep up on me way to fast & there's a lot of other stuff coming mid-late January. Two birthday parties & Princesses On Ice all fall within a three day time frame for starters! So I'm thinking a sleepover of some sort, something small for Heart Day.

You all know I LURVE winter right? But i have to admit that I'm secretly wanting it to warm up. I want flip flop weather ok and since Mother Nature is indeed still a junkie we are like, thisclose to contemplating flip flops if this is at all accurate:

I Sense A Shift Is Coming

I never go political here. Ever. Mainly because of my own confusion at this point in time. Not that I'd ever beat anyone over the head with religion politics anyway, but I might mention it. 4 years ago my generally Democrat self thought re-electing Bush was the lesser of the evils. Not necessarily "good" but better than the Kerry alternative that's for sure. So Bush, um, embellished a whole bunch & we are still at war & we are still sitting in a few places that I believe we have NO business occupying aside from the obvious two. I flip flop between wanting a government that will act & preemptively strike when necessary and wanting the US to stop believing that it has a say in every other countries disputes- a hands on say. I believe that when fucked with we need to respond or else we will as a country be repeatedly walked on. 9-11 was hell & I am pretty sure that if we didn't strike back then we would have had a few more bombings here in the last 6 years. I also am pretty damn sure that there's another biggie coming down the pike because it has to be. Simple good vs. evil mentality. A country can only prevent so many terrorist incidents before something slips thru a crack.

Just like 9-11 did.

So. I'm definetly Democrat this time around & I have seriously, seriously flipped between Hil & Obama. I like that she is a she, a mother, that she sat & watched the day to day running of the country while her husband played with cigars & interns was at the helm. I liked some of her ideas , actually many of them when she was First Lady. I often thought SHE should be in "the seat" rather than her husband. And Clinton had it easy. He fucked things up for himself personally but when it came to the US, Reganomics were still trickling down (& that worked, hello!) and it was a time of peace. Anyone that was president after Clinton's run was going to be in deep. The budget was going to crash as would the stock market after 9-11. I cannot ever blame Bush for the countries financial outlook because it would be bleak for anyone in office this decade. Clinton's sending jobs overseas really helped too...

Back to the flipping. I think I've leaned more towards Hil but I've also liked Obama's inexperience. He's not a career politician. He has new ideas & thinks like one of "us"- sort of. Maybe these are good things? Could he make it any worse? I don't know. I also read that since Hil's numbers have dropped like a hooker's panties she may pull out of the race.

I can't see her throwing in the towel. Can you? I don't know that I see her caving in embarassment.

So I'll open the door a crack. What are YOUR thoughts on the election? Who is holding your attention & why?

My PSA of the Week

Apparently I need to state something that one would think is common sense. Do not, under ANY circumstances THROW A CAT at your 4 year old sister. Picking up a sleeping cat & shotputing him across the room until he collides with another childs face equals this:





Nothing quite like trying to put a Barbie Band Aid on your daughters eyelid before sending her to preschool.

WTF.

Who throws a cat??

Enchantment

So I settled in yesterday to actually watch Stars On Ice. It used to be a tradition for me. It used to be videotaped & rewatched until the tape died. It used to be something that I traveled up to Lake Placid, NY over Thanksgiving weekend to see the opening show each year.

Used to be.

It was the greatest thing, hands down, on ice every year. Then it tanked a bit. I realized how absolutely phenomenal the cast had been & how amazing the pair, dancers & group numbers were- once they kind of sucked. I took it for granted as normal until it became mediocre & then I missed the previous awesomeness.

I used to see the show twice. Years on end I saw it in Lake Placid & then somewhere in PA. I think the last time I went was 2002, maybe.

So yesterday I sat & watched, deflated by the fact that even the television broadcast has been sliced. It used to be 2 hours & now a two hour show with 14 skaters gets an hour of time not counting commercials.

So I watched, kid & dog both on my lap. Micheal Weiss...ick. Todd Eldredge...ick. Ina & Zimmerman...GOOD!...Chinese pair...GOOD!...behind the scenes footage of group numbers that I'll just so want to see...eh maybe...concept- Live And In Color!...ok I guess. The idea is that tv is nothing compared to being in the rink & seeing the speed, feeling the wind even up high as skaters fly past...yeah that does work & it's true. Live is nothing like tv. I really had no expectations at all. I watched to see if maybe I'd want to go & see it live in March.

I definetly do. If for nothing else, then to see this:



I kind of remember liking Sasha Cohen a long time ago. She is clearly the selling point this year, even for someone like me that usually sleeps thru ladies skating. This was amazing. She's basically a ballerina in slippers being carried all over the ice by three pair skaters. The lifts are just amazing and I have to shoot it. Amazing stuff & I'm really thrilled to find it. I love when I have no expectations for something & then end up surprised & excited by it!

To Don't List

The kids are going to stay at my parents tonite. Let me explain the real concept, my mother WANTS them to stay over but Kiki will actually do all the hands on attentive stuff. Seriously. Now, my mother & I haven't spoken a word since August so in order for this visit to even happen my sister has to be the go between. Sad no? They live 3 blocks away & because of God we need a third party to set up time with her grandkids. Anywho... my mother truly believes that she is all knowing & any one (especially one of her daughters) that challenges her ideas is just looked down upon. I mean, way far down. So last night my sister who is at my house no less than 4 days a week gave mom the rundown on what to get for the kids to eat. well, this was offensive because mom has fed children since the stone ages since long before MY kids were ever even a thought & therefore she "knows" what kids eat. I could say well I live with 3 so I know what kids eat too except that any parent with a few kids will tell you thats a crock. There are standard stereotypical kid foods but all kids are different with their weird prefrences & such. So anyway, my mother rattled off the kids OLD food likes because they do change just like adults & then quietly realized she should listen to someone that actually is involved in their lives actively rather than making a monthly appearance.

Out of this visit stemmed a to-don't list. Grammie wants the girls over but:

-she wasn't sure if she'd make it to the store today so my sister should do that.

-wants to spend time with them but ASSumed they'll go to bed around heh) 7pm

-wants to make them breakfast but isn't getting up early

-might be gone in the morning so my sister was already alerted to the fact that she'd be on duty

-isn't going outside with them & chasing them around the yard

I'm sure there's more but, wow. That really is enough isn't it? Is it really so hard to put aside your own personal prefrences for 12 hours to not only cater to your grandkids, but to make it fun??

On a good note, I've been uploading a Christmas concert video of B to You Tube for hours today. It's almost done so it'll be up here later :)

Appetite 4 Nostalgia

Ya know how when you think back to adolescence there are a few pivital years that jump out? The few that just stick in your head as best years ever for whatever reason? I had a few of those years. 1987 was a big one. That was the year that I turned 16 & 16 equalled freedom. My dad gave me a month to find a job after I turned 16 (You know, back when he not only encouraged, but insisted his kids work & be productive individuals). I had 2 jobs in about 2 weeks. 2 that left me working probably 6 days a week by choice. It got me away from the at home bible thumping & around other, normal kids. If my mom had her way I'd never have been home schooled & I swear the only reason that I wasn't was because my mother didn't want to actually have to, you know, teach me.

Back then I was kind of an undercover headbanger because it was certainly not something that could be out in the open in our house. I use to buy cassette tapes (gasp!) weekly, basically replacing the ones she'd find & toss out. If the cover art was questionable it was gone. If the dudes had long hair & make up it was gone. If there was red & black it was gone because those were the colors of debasing music (Huh?? really, who dreamed up this shit that i was supposed to both believe & embrace??)/. I remember buying several copies of Skid Rows Youth Gone Wild & Guns N Roses Appetite For Destruction...holy shit I think I bought 5 of them!
Five.

Guns N Roses broke out that year & they were just massive. Welcome To The Jungle was my favorite video ever up until that point & everyone around me in the "real" world was obsessed with them. They came to play in April of that year at a local racetrack because back then that's where everyone played. No arena. No amphitheatre. The racetrack was the biggest venue from here to Philly or NY. My mother thought I was working that night & I was most definetly not. I was at the concert with 3 friends. G N R opened for Aerosmith & we actually left halfway thru Aerosmith's set to be home in time to keep up the illusion of working. It was pouring & the whole place was mud. All of us left with one shoe because the mud was so deep it was devouring sneakers all over. Still, best first show ever.
Covering my ass was easier than I expected too. I went to the fast food place that I was working at, got cleaned up, put on the day before's wreaking uniform & waited for my dad to pick me up. Piece of cake.

Why am I even going here today? A Christmas gift. J dug really deep & gave me two GNR concert shirts from Appetite. It showed that he actually paid attention & it was painful for him to shell out ANY cash on ANYTHING GNR related! I know it hurt.