Protocol = Ridiculousness

This working for the government thing is really...something. I get the perks of the job. Even better, I really like the job. It's actually become a fast favorite already.

But, the red tape is about exactly what you'd expect of anything government related. Training KILLED brain cells because every bit of info had to be read verbatim from the manuals, then reread. Then after you were over it you'd skip to another book & get it all over again. Sometimes over-prepping backfires. At the very least people get bored and mentally exhausted. That's why government employes always look like they are truding along. It's not the job, it's the bullshit attatched.

I have this nifty hand held computer. It has been drilled into my head- Don't lose it. Don't drop it. If you get hit by a car shield it. If you get shot bleed out, just save the hand held.

So mine isn't transmitting properly. I suspect this happens a lot. Can I go into the office to switch equipment? I'll only be in and out of there today and then back again for testing at 6pm. Can I do that?

No.

My crew leader actually has to do a switch in person herself, AT MY HOUSE. This is the protocol. Then comes a mountain of paperwork connected to swamping computers & making sure that I've been ID'd properly. If I just brought everything into the office no one else could help & if they tried we would all have been reprimanded.

Ever...

...Just absolutely need to have a conversation with someone so much that nothing will be right in the world until it happens??

Permanent

Love this.

I'm A Magnet, for Dee Dee Dee's

And if you know me, you already are well aware of this.

I live in a city of about 70,000 people. Decent size. Drive 30 minutes & you're looking at Pocono mountains & cows but right here, there are probably 10 Starbucks within 30 minutes of driving in any direction. Once in awhile, if I have to take a bus, I don't really mind. I'm actually VERY amused by the people out in the morning. as in most cities the bus has a main stopping area smack in the middle of the downtown portion of our city. In the morning it's fine. The familiar people are really nice, and it's all just very...chill. Once in awhile I'll call my sister with my head spinning but usually I'm calling her in amusement. Afternoons are a whole other story. I HATE being in that same area after say, 2pm & rarely will you see me there. Like once every 6 months. Okay every 3 months. The last time I was there was when B was practising for prek graduation & that was last year.

Today I had to go to a Western Union agent & the closest one is right off the bus stop literally, I walked 7 steps to get in the door. I got into town 3kids in tow at 2:45 & figured...maybe it won't be so bad.

Maybe.

I treated the girls to ice cream in the candy store located in the mall across the street & we were coming home at like 3:30pm.

After the batch of Ebonics slanging kids left- no wait because truly they weren't kids (or black for that matter) but more like in their 20's - got onto a bus to head to a housing project I thought, okay...it doesn't look so bad.

Then SHE appeared. The lady was probably younger than my 38 years & looked like the bus driver lady from South Park. She had two kids with her, the youngest was 5.5 & she was pushing a stroller of groceries.

Hold up, the youngest kid was 5.5 & she was pushing a stroller.

Yeah. Her daughter might have been Maya's age. I'd say Maya looks older but then Maya does not look 8 but more like 10. The kid had eyes full of make up. Not Emmy & B play omfg look at all that blue shit clumping off their eyelids kind of makeup, but neutrals schalacked on in layers. I saw it & thought, "That'll be the day..."

I have to tell you, I've perfected my watching every single thing going on around me but looking totally oblivious stance. Blissfully unaware, but not really. Always ready to spring into action.

The lady was yelling at her little boy. I don't know what he did but she was going off as they stopped to wait beside me. The boy walks right up and asks me if I'm waiting for his bus. Damn. So much for my unaware act. He was standing at my feet babbling away about how his dad was going to "dead his mom just like grandma got deaded". Mom tried to change the subject & told me about him just getting kindergarten shots today as he kept interrupting telling her that if she deaded him then dad would dead her. She ignores the kids comments & informs me that she's pretty sure he "is ADD" and then points at her daughter and says, "that fucking bitch over there is giving me a horrible time today."

I was like, WTF?? By this time the boy was pitching Comcast Digital Cable to me. Really. Verbatim.

Comcast Digital Cable features channels...HBO Family Network...movies playing this month include....

**Sidepoint- We all KNOW how much I LOVE Comcast**

Somewhere in the midst of this I heard about the whole "grandma being deaded" situation. She was "crossing Main Street in her Jazzy Chair last December when that car hit her and killed her...no charges were filed so we're going after the driver and his family..."

I'm not sure when my bus came. I'm pretty sure I never even said goodbye to this chick or the future Comcast Customer Service Rep with ADD, maybe.

But My Thoughts You Can't Decode

Clippy goodness brought to you by Paramore.

Thank You...

...for flooding my inbox since the last post. (Comments are not working here for me at least, I'll figure it out soon...) I'm grateful to every single one of you that offered support or shared your own story with me. I'm always saying that we need to look beyond what is in front of our own face to see what others may need. You guys have done that so, thank you.

Thank you Michael for shoving me off the fence.

So When Am I Going To Post A "Real" One?

I've heard that question asked a few times in the last few weeks. Usually before that comes...You used to put everything out there in black & white...You used to say what everyone else things...I used to connect with your words...

I'm moving my own mental roadblocks here. Yes, I USED to do all of those things with great ease. The problem? I've had to shut myself down for months. Had to. I couldn't put myself, the real me ANYWHERE. My ex was tracking my every word, looking for every insight into my thinking & grasping at whatever nuggets he could find. Stalking. Watching. Stalking a little more. Watching anything I wrote both professionally & personally. Watching me quite literally thru windows while standing in my backyard. Following every move that he could. So I cut him off and in doing so, I had to cut myself off as well. I couldn't ramble on about day to day bullshit. I couldn't tell you where I was going, what I had done or where I might be. I couldn't interact here that's for sure. I became keenly aware that the more info I divuldged the more I put friends at risk for his nuttiness. He was latching on to anyone at all in contact with me.

So I kind of disappeared. He is now locked away tight and won't be walking free anytime soon. I still feel as though I've disappeared. I'm trying to figure out how to revive myself. How do you return from self imposed non-existence? Especially when you realize while taking your first free breaths that you had NO fucking idea how much you've HAD to hold back. You've had no idea how on alert you've been until you realize that you CAN sleep without your cell in your hand because he will NOT be busting in a window on this night or any other one. You can sleep in your bed upstairs rather than on the couch near the front door. You can let your kids run freely in the yard without worrying (more than the normal mother) that they'll be snatched away by a vindictive idiot whose personal mission is to get even.

With me.

Because it is quite simply, over.

How do you return to the land of the living when you had no idea that you'd even left?

I had no idea that the bottom of the rabbit hole was this far down. But I'm trying to find the top. Maybe just putting it all out here right now, refusing to reread it, refusing to edit or spellcheck will move the huge boulder that has been in my way.

I have so much more to say than I did before. I understand things so much better than I did before. I get it now, really, truly- get it.

What's important. What's a useless, irrelevant pile of crap. I get it. People are everything. Good friends are precious. Emotional connections are the next best thing to god.

And yes, now I WILL be back daily.

Spongebob Is A Factor In Everyday Situations

B & I were having a conversation yesterday while walking down the street. We went to cross at an intersection & I reminded her to be careful. She mentioned that we don't want to be "crushed" by a car. I think it's kind of ingenius that while the rest of us avoid being "hit" by cars my 5 year old actually grasps the weight of a car and sees it as something that can crush us. Anyway, the question of the day from my baby that is so not a baby:

"If a car crushes us does that mean we'll be flat?

Me: "Flat??"

Bridget- "You know, will it make us flat like Spongebob??"

Good to know we haven't gone cold turkey on the kid stuff. One cartton character still exists in my house.

Oh, Well That's Just Not Ever Gonna Happen

Ledge at the Sears Tower in Chicago

See that up there? That's an inch & a half of glass that keeps those clowns from plummeting 1,353 feet to the sidewalk below. I freely admit to being a sissy bitch about heights & there is no way you'd get me to put one toe onto that glass.

My Life According to SHE WANTS REVENGE

Pick an artist, and using ONLY SONG TITLES from only that artist, cleverly (preferably) answer these questions. This is harder than it seems! ADDITIONAL RULE: You cannot use the same artist I did, or duplicate song titles even if they were performed by another artist.

1. Are you a male or female?
Rachael

2. Describe yourself.
Black Liner Run

3. How do you feel about yourself?
Stripped

4. Describe your EX boyfriend/girlfriend.
Tear You Apart

5. Describe your CURRENT boy/girl situation.
he Loves Me he Loves Me Not

6. Describe your current location.
Killing Time

7. Describe where you want to be.
Out Of Control

8. Your best friend?
Sister

9. Your favorite color is?
Written In Blood

10. You know that:
Someone Must Get Hurt

11. What's the weather like:
What I Want

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called?
Pretend The World Has Ended

13. What is life to you?
Red Flags And Long Nights

14. What is the best advice you have to give?
Red Flags And Long Nights

15. If you could change your name what would it be?
Monologue