Or maybe it's just not supposed to? I think I'm done even thinking things will ever make sense. I need to just really, truly go with the flow rather than say I do. I started off December (THIS month) decorating my house. 25 days later I have packed up that entire house, moved it, reorganized, hung pictures as well as Christmas lights and settled IN. By IN I mean, there are no boxes. There is nothing left to hang. No pile of things to do later. We live HERE in spite of living THERE just a minute ago. My relationship THERE was one of comfort. We were solid. We would get married. I was plotting a dress, music, etc. I willingly stayed up until he got in from work at 1am because I WANTED to. Add 3 short weeks of chaos and I have learned an EXTREMELY valuable lesson. Patrick is a phenomenal guy when its all easy. He loves me loves the girls and we are lucky. When things get tougher & he is actually NEEDED he crumbles. Common sense eludes him and I have been left dealing with in essence another child. Something I don't need. I have been left to feel like he not only doesn't have my back but worse, he doesn't UNDERSTAND that he doesn't have my back. I can not make him grasp things that are beyond him. Finally had to accept that this is pretty much DOA. Mr. Right Now on a good day (provided I could ever stand the sight of him again which in itself is iffy) but definetly not Mr. Right.
It's a blur, this past month. Every inch of my both & mind has been raked across crushed glass yet I somehow feel just fine. Not the kind of fine that you lie & say you are before escaping into the bathroom to cry a million tears in private. But really, just fine.
I need to write again. I've let everything get in the way of just purging & it'll be one of the things I work on this year. Daily.
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